Seems like being out is the thing to do.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2010 8:26 PM GMT
    I'm at the point where I don't really give a fuck anymore.

    If u know I'm gay, good for you. I've never really told anybody I'm gay but word got out from a ex's younger brother among other sources and a good chunk of people around me (some groups of people I hang out with and most are clueless) know but its more of a don't ask don't tell unhealthy kinda thing... I don't talk about it they don't talk about it.

    Hell, I don't even know who knows and who doesn't and I bullshit about straight stuff all the time and probably look like a fool.

    Being in the closet has made me more or less a dishonest person. I find myself telling white lies allot and I hate that of me. It's not even intentional.

    At any rate, I'm the captain of our varsity track team among other teams and I don't know if it's best that I just stop the bullshitting.

    I'm thinking I just keep up the straight act for 2 more years till I'm out of university but I don't know whats best...

    The reason I'm in the closet to start is to avoid conflict and avoid being treated differently than I am now.

    any thoughts?



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    Sep 20, 2010 10:43 PM GMT
    the question of the century, to gay or not to gay....that is the question and the answer rests solely and only within you. You know that, i know that, but we sometimes need a push or validation. Hey your only a sophomore in college, i'm knocking on 60 and exactly where you are, and you know what? i don't give a fuck either. It just ain' t that important unless i see it as that.....Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Sep 20, 2010 11:03 PM GMT
    track_boi saidThe reason I'm in the closet to start is to avoid conflict and avoid being treated differently than I am now.


    There is already conflict. People have found out through gossip and you cover your tracks with lies. Better to come out on your own terms and be honest about it. People, generally, will respect you a whole lot more and you wont feel so bad about being who you are.
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    Sep 21, 2010 12:46 AM GMT
    I really know how you feel. I was/am in a similar boat. I'm lousy at coming out mostly because I'm a shy and somewhat private person, and my freshman year at college, I told three people, one of whom was a gossip and promptly blabbed to half of everyone on the floor (to be fair, I did tell her partly because I knew she would do that). Anyway, to this day I don't know if some of my friends from freshman year know, and that was 3 years ago! It made for a lot of uncomfortable moments, and I missed out on a lot. Regardless, I'm not gonna suggest that you come out, because that can only happen when you are ready and no sooner. Just want you to know that I've been there and you're not alone.

    And as for your lying, that's probably just not good in general. I've never pretended I was straight and generally you don't have to pretend that you're straight just so people won't think you're gay-they just assume straightness, anyway. I always try my best to be honest and hope that others do the same. I'm one of those honesty is the best policy dorks haha

    Well, hope everything works out well with you and that you are happy and comfortable with being yourself. If you ever wanna chat, feel free to hit me up icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 21, 2010 12:56 AM GMT
    Being out is a personal choice.
    Who you choose to come out to is another choice.
    The single Most important thing is for you to be HONEST with yourself...ARE YOU GAY, BI, STRAIGHT, ASEXUAL, TRANSSEXUAL, do you really know?
    I chose to kick the closet doors off 14 years ago at the age of 36.....
    There had always been whispers and rumors about me....it caused alot of internal conflict for me and I attempted to kill myself 3 separate times rather than face the truth and what I was SURE was going to be mass rejection and pain......The last attempt, I actually stopped my heart with an electrical shock. I was dead for about a minute they said.......and the paramedics brought me back. (Thank you!)
    The entire thing is.... be honest to yourself and to those that matter in your life. You can tell whom ever you choose, whenever and for whatever reason you choose, The beauty is that you can quit worrying about the pronoun game and who you told what and who is talking to whom.....Your stress levels go down and you are much more at peace with yourself....
    Understand that coming out is something you do for yourself, to clear the air and calm your mind. It is not something you do because your friends are gossiping.
    Consider the worst that could happen and then plan accordingly. When you find that you don't need to use those worst scenario plans, you are even more relaxed.....
    Beware of those with control of purse strings ($$$) parents, families, coaches, that may be homophobic or just uninformed and ignorant....they may try to use $$ as a way to force you back into the closet....just be aware of the possibilities....
    Good Luck......icon_cool.gif
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    Sep 21, 2010 1:01 AM GMT
    There's a fine line when it comes to coming out between being too evasive on one end and being too imposing on the other. You don't necessarily want to lie about who you are, but announcing your sexual preference to everyone you meet at the first opportunity is a little overbearing.

    We've all been there.

    You're probably at that stage that many find themselves at sooner or later. And that's to be honest with those you're close to as the subject comes up, in the context of conversations about who you're dating, who you find attractive, etc.

    It's probably best use those opportunities to present your true self.
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    Sep 21, 2010 1:07 AM GMT
    track_boi said
    The reason I'm in the closet to start is to avoid conflict and avoid being treated differently than I am now.


    Everything you wrote before this sentence reflects that being in the closet has if anything created conflict and different treatment.
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    Sep 21, 2010 1:09 AM GMT
    Sporty_g saidThe entire thing is.... be honest to yourself and to those that matter in your life. You can tell whom ever you choose, whenever and for whatever reason you choose, The beauty is that you can quit worrying about the pronoun game and who you told what and who is talking to whom.....Your stress levels go down and you are much more at peace with yourself....
    Understand that coming out is something you do for yourself, to clear the air and calm your mind. It is not something you do because your friends are gossiping.icon_cool.gif


    Agreed. I came out last year. First, my mom took it a little hard, but my dad and friends are fine and nothing really changed. I don't walk around and tell each and every person on the street that I'm gay (lol) but it's nice in a sense that I feel that I am more of who I am and true to myself. What sucks is that I didn't have many gay friends and I still don't... So being in the gay community is another story, I suppose. But anyways, I have many (straight) friends that are understanding and I feel blessed. icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 21, 2010 3:15 AM GMT
    To be honest staying in the closet doesn't prevent conflict. It simply forces all the conflict on you. You are in a state of war with yourself as you said with the lies and half truths.
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Sep 21, 2010 3:31 AM GMT
    Yeah, OP, I get you. I was the same way in college, but my senior year was radically different from the freshman year. I had accepted I was attracted to guys. I told my closest, 'legit' friends and some of my professors. I was not a flamer, but if anyone asked, I didn't lie about my sexuality. I think you have reached a point I did the Spring semester of my junior year.

    I think I reached a level of unhappiness and such dissatisfaction with life, that I just couldn't do it anymore. The only people I skirt the issue with now is with family (religious issues) and with potential employers (no non-discrimination statutes protecting gay employees). In short, just be you, and be happy. I'd suggest tactfully dealing with the people who do not accept you for you - if all else fails, part ways with them. They'll only make you feel like shit.

    also... I'd like to add something about 'conflict.' You are facing 'internal' conflict being in the closet. If you come out, I honestly believe that you'll decompress and feel so much better about yourself and your place in the world. Yeah, you'll face some 'conflict' as a result of being out, but you'll be happy... let someone else bitch and be unhappy : )
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    Sep 21, 2010 3:33 AM GMT
    There is no telling? only YOU will know when is the right time to come out of your shell! sweetie there is no such thing as when, why, or what is best for you to embrace your sexuality? just be you! just remember that whether you remain in the closet or decided to come out, YOU, my dear friend was, is, and will always be the same person you ever were!


    Leandro ♥
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    Sep 21, 2010 3:36 AM GMT
    OP, I did the same thing for a long time until most of my friends had figured it out, and I got depressed about it. I was 19 and I knew I was gay; I've never gotten it up for a chick and figured it was gonna stay that way. So I came out on Facebook and things have been better since. People pick up on things, and even if you think some people have no idea, most of them do. Come out and get on with the rest of your life. Being in the closet is a bunch of unnecessary bullshit.
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Sep 21, 2010 3:44 AM GMT
    I'd agree that being in the closet can make someone incredibly skilled at deceit.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Sep 21, 2010 3:50 AM GMT
    if you're not ready to come out, particularly because of athletic teams you are involved in but also want to stop lying, then just stop lying and start being EXTREMELY vague... make sure pronouns never have a gender and don't go along with all of fucking-my-bitches banter, but you don't need to clarify your preference either.

    i think if you came out, there'd be few, if any problems, but if you think waiting until school is done is ideal, the above solution should be a good band-aid for the situation
  • idkagudname

    Posts: 87

    Sep 21, 2010 5:04 AM GMT
    DOOOOOOD I've been in the same boat as you bro.

    I played sports and being in the closet gave some obstacles.

    I think it always got in the way of bonding with my team mates.

    I don't really have any good advice for you because I really don't know your exact situation. I live in NYC which is more diverse and knowledgeable.

    I can only say what I experienced.

    I played volleyball but I didn't tell anyone in the team except for one because
    I thought he was into guys too. It turns out I was right but then he didn't admit it to me. So I had a tough time 'cause I felt my social life and support circle was not as developed as my other team mates.

    so i stopped playing for a while and focused of my social life.

    I think in the end its all about balls. whether or not you have balls to tell your team or not. Or whether to tell your friends or not.

    I say as long as you don't act differently when you come out then they won't act differently. As long as you don't make it awkward for them they won't make it awkward either.

    I never told all my teammates but,
    I told my room mate.
    I told my close friends.
    And you know what they appreciated it. All my straight friends still stuck with me and are all my good friends. They felt good that I trusted them with my secret.
    Don't be like HHHEEYYY to the whole school like a pink flag but keep it to your close friends that you think you can trust.
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    Sep 21, 2010 5:15 AM GMT
    track_boi saidI'm at the point where I don't really give a fuck anymore.

    If u know I'm gay, good for you. I've never really told anybody I'm gay but word got out from a ex's younger brother among other sources and a good chunk of people around me (some groups of people I hang out with and most are clueless) know but its more of a don't ask don't tell unhealthy kinda thing... I don't talk about it they don't talk about it.

    Hell, I don't even know who knows and who doesn't and I bullshit about straight stuff all the time and probably look like a fool.

    Being in the closet has made me more or less a dishonest person. I find myself telling white lies allot and I hate that of me. It's not even intentional.

    At any rate, I'm the captain of our varsity track team among other teams and I don't know if it's best that I just stop the bullshitting.

    I'm thinking I just keep up the straight act for 2 more years till I'm out of university but I don't know whats best...

    The reason I'm in the closet to start is to avoid conflict and avoid being treated differently than I am now.

    any thoughts?



    I think u should stay where are comfortable with, i have been there before, Captain of my Basketball team, played soccer and never told a soul, but its where i was comfortable, just because i like guys doesnt mean i have to flaunt it.... Some people knew or heard rumors, but none was man enough to approach me and ask....So who gives a shit what rumors goes around, Just go about your routine and finish school... But if u feel like you are ready and want to be open about it, then i wish you the best of luck, definitely brave enough and inspiring for most who are in the same boat as you and are still athletes in school...Good luck mate!!
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    Sep 21, 2010 4:40 PM GMT
    thanks for the insight guys, at the end of the day i probably wont have to balls to out myself haha...

    on a more serious note, I guess ill try and plan it vs doing it on a limb. I appreciate allot of the stuff you guys said tho, made me think about it in a better light.

    the way i see it is that i will be living a happy lifestyle out of the closet and the sooner i do it the sooner i can start living that life.... i think icon_razz.gif
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    Sep 21, 2010 4:53 PM GMT
    the force is strong in you hehehe
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    Sep 21, 2010 5:03 PM GMT
    track_boi saidThe reason I'm in the closet to start is to avoid conflict and avoid being treated differently than I am now.

    any thoughts?



    Conflict is inevitable for people of every sexuality.
    People always treat others differently when they don't understand them.
    Whether you're in or out of the closet, people who hate will find a reason to hate you.

    However, living out of the closet shows more courage to those who don't hate.
  • abflexman

    Posts: 121

    Sep 21, 2010 5:12 PM GMT
    Hey mate - i can relate to the Sports stuff for sure. I am out to the majority of my family and my good mates, but my Hockey team don't know. Well they didn't until I told the club captain last week.

    First of all he said he didn't believe me, then he was cool, and said don't worry bout it. He wasn't going to go around telling the other club members, so I guess my team still don't know.

    It does worry me a little with all my team knowing, more so with the social side of things. But it will come to a point soon when it will come out and i will have to deal with it.
  • OklahomaBreak...

    Posts: 167

    Sep 21, 2010 8:45 PM GMT
    I can really relate to this. I am going through the process right now, and have told a few people. My family and most of my friends still don't know, but I have told some people I trust.
    I am from a small town and finishing up grad school so the purse strings issue that was mentioned is utmost on my mind. I have friends that had to drop out of school because they came out. I don't know your exact situation so I would really weigh the pros and cons. I can say that I am much closer to those I have told, but otherwise there has been no change between us.
    I think making a plan is good thinking. Other than two people I went into the reveal with a plan every time. Just make sure to give them time and don't expect a reaction right away. Everyone I have told was pretty shocked and it took awhile for it to sink in and then they were really cool about it all.
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    Sep 21, 2010 8:53 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie said
    track_boi saidThe reason I'm in the closet to start is to avoid conflict and avoid being treated differently than I am now.


    There is already conflict. People have found out through gossip and you cover your tracks with lies. Better to come out on your own terms and be honest about it. People, generally, will respect you a whole lot more and you wont feel so bad about being who you are.


    Its demographic, and age-related. Straight people will either hate you to your face or hate you to your back. Some areas people are more tolerant than others, and some age ranges are more tolerant than others. I only tell people if I'm asked directly. A coworker kept hinting around that I might be gay and at lunch one day I said I was. Well, that pretty ended the speculation and shut her up. Then she started coming into my cube and pressing her breasts against my back, when she would talk to me. Really strange. I couldn't figure that one out, but I'm sure it was some sort of an insult. I wound up leaving the company after subtle harassment from other coworkers, all male. Females didn't care. but the men sure did.

    So let them hate to your face, or to your back. either way it doesn't change the fact that you are who you are, and you need to carry yourself with pride and dignity in the face of adversity, which takes courage and strength.


  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 21, 2010 10:59 PM GMT
    You know what?
    College is such a great time
    Why spoil it with lies and deceit

    If you're out enough to have BF's
    You're going to have to be ready to jump out of the closet if someone confronts you with the truth
    Unless you cultivated a crop of homophobes as friends I bet you that it won't be anywhere as bad as you think it will

    Best of luck
    and all I can say is I wish I had been out in College
    cause I woulda had a blast and a half icon_cool.gif
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    Sep 21, 2010 11:20 PM GMT
    It just takes time for certain people and I can totally relate, having waited until after I finished college, I was also on a couple sports teams. The part that was bothering me most is what people would think, not my friends/family, but other people that I didn't know that would judge me. Having had a lot of bullying growing up and being teased for being "gay" and then realizing I actually was upset me for awhile and I tried not to be. However, it was actually mentally painful having to pretend I liked women and I would try to be vague but I failed so miserably at it. I think you have that moment where something clicks in your head whether it's something that someone says, or a hot guy you meet, or new things that are happening around you will make you decide to come out and tell your close friends, and let the rest figure it out, or if they ask you, you don't lie. I decided one day that I wouldn't lie if someone asked me straight out (no pun intended) if I was gay. No one really does and all of my friends accept me for the crazy person that I am and always have been, and I just happen to like guys too. Having that support is really what keeps me sane and the fact that my attitude of complete paranoia turned into "I could give a fuck what you think about me". It really is one of my greatest accomplishments..as corny as that may sound. But I've never been happier to finally be me. And you will really feel this weight lifted off your shoulders. I guess depending on where you live (being in LA here) it isn't really a big deal as you might have made it out to be.