• Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2010 12:36 AM GMT
    Has anyone heard of how shame plays a large role in the minds of gay people?
    I recently read ''The Velvet Rage", a book about how to overcome pain and shame of growing up gay in a predominantly straight world. If you haven't read it, it's extremely insightful. The author is a psychologist who has worked with many gay men in particular

    My question is how many of you guys have really evaluated the degree of being different has affected you since you were a child? Maybe you made it through life so far with great acceptance. Maybe not. It's amazing how society's view really takes a toll on us as gay guys(and anyone in the lgbt community)

    A lot of us have been damaged, weather we know it or not. It's important that we help each other out, support each other and encourage everyone in the lgbt community to overcome any emotional baggage society has given us. I've been working with a therapist to understand how it has affected me. I want to let everyone know that a gay life can be just as meaningful, happy and worthwhile as any straight life. Committed relationships are very possible as well.

    hopefully this was enlightening for you, please comment!icon_lol.gif
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    Sep 21, 2010 2:42 PM GMT
    One thing I've noticed in regards to growing up in my family is that the older generation think that any deviation from societal expectations and responsibility (like going to university and getting married) are temporary and you will end up doing them anyhow. My mum still tells me I should go to University when I've already done a 2 year Diploma in Arts and another one in Textile, Clothing & Footwear but they aren't industries where you make money which apparently is the only reason for higher/further education.
    It's never about what you want, it's about what everyone expects of you and that really makes introverts of many family members I know (me included). I don't discuss much with my mum because I know that she doesn't understand my actions or lifestyle. It's a constant tug of war when it comes to ideals so to keep the peace, I say nothing. To make someone understand when they don't want to or cannot articulate the concepts, is really difficult.

    But being the eldest in all of the first generation born in Australia and being male is a big responsibility on my head as I'm expected to be the shining example for everyone else and get married and have kids when I'm the total opposite and so everyone still nags me on when I'm going to do this and that. Apart of me is thinking that I'm letting everyone down because what I'm pursuing is selfish and the more I do what I want the more I hurt the supposed 'name' of my family.
    So if I did tell my mum outright that I'm gay, it would shatter her self deluded hope that I would get on the straight and narrow and settle down with some woman and have a 40 year career in the same job like 'I should'. Everyone in the family knows I'm gay, even her I highly suspect, but to verbalise it would mean something more.
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Sep 21, 2010 2:46 PM GMT
    Sweet, good post.

    I don't have much to comment at the moment but I'll check that book out
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    Sep 21, 2010 2:59 PM GMT
    Nice topic!

    When I looked up the book I stumbled across this site offering other books as well (scrolling down the page).

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    Dec 14, 2010 7:41 AM GMT
    I'm in the middle of reading this book now. I do not have shame in my life... at least I don't believe that I do, ha. I used to when I was closeted and maybe a little bit after coming out. But I am currently a very proud out gay man and wouldn't have it any other way... so, that doesn't sound so shameful right?

    2 of my buddies are seeing the author right now as their therapist.