Rejected Reject - Pathetic None Existant Love life.

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    Sep 21, 2010 1:24 PM GMT
    Prefixes: I am not depressed and am NOT suicidal! lol. Everyone feels blue sometimes.

    I come from a very loving born-again Christian home life. My parents don`t always say they love me, but I understand that they really do.

    I have been out of a relationship for one year now and immediately following the termination of the relatinoship I started to feel lonely. I have heard wisdom from some guys saying that I need to take time to work on myself. The problem is two fold - I am a better guy when I have someone to love in my life. Secondly, I have been working on my shit and accept that it is a process. I also feel like I have it together. Up to now, I have been surrounded by great friends who would keep me busy and distract me. Now that I am home for several months...I am confronted with these feelings of being alone and unloved. Yes, i am sure there are deeper rooted issues here that I haven`t delt with. When i say I have my shit together, I mean I dòn`t just hold my life together, I am generally very happy with most aspects of my life, except for my pathetic love life.

    So, the answer is simple: get out there and date someone. Problem: I work for the army and will be leaving in 4 or 8 months. i realize that I am fooling myself but can`t i have a relationshp for a few months? Whatever happened to summer flings (or automn flings?).

    I feel like if i go to the bar now...that I am easy because I want that connectiveness, which mistakenly doesn`t come from one night encounters. What am I doing? There are some great guys online here, and I get flattered all the time with remarks that I am attractive, but why can`t i find a decent guy who will fall for me (time restrictions aside).

    Alright....here it is. I need encouragement to stay strong and focus my sexual/relationship energies towards working out. Anyone else ever feel like this?

    Rejected Reject,
    Dave
    Note Bien: My profile says I am looking for friendship which is true BUT...I am open to meeting someone. Did that come across as desperate? dooh!
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Sep 21, 2010 1:47 PM GMT
    Don't worry everyone feels this way at some point. You can have your pity party, but just don't stay too long. And maybe being too available is what's stopping you from meeting the right kind of guys.








    ** Also did you ever find any information on what I asked you about on July 30?
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    Sep 21, 2010 2:28 PM GMT
    Well, if you're in Victoria it's going to be not-so-easy to meet a lot of gay singles, unless things have changed considerably since we were last there.

    Both of us can relate to some of what you've typed. We each feel (rightly or wrongly) that we are better people when we are in a relationship. Likely because there's a potential to exercise emotional muscles etc and grow them in a loving/romantic relationship in a way that's quite unique.

    So here, have a hug *hugs* and consider that Bill and I met when I was 34 and he 32.

    ...as well, my spidey sense is telling me you'll be involved in some really big love in the next few months. And no, I can't explain this; just a hunch, if you will.

    -Doug
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    Sep 22, 2010 4:34 AM GMT
    Thanks guys.
    Yes, being too single might be the problem.

    And Doug, spidey senses? I don`t know but I like the sounds of it. I appreciate your kind words. Just knowing that others can relate with what I am currently going through, is an aid.

    And Victoria, yeah...very closed gay ciruit there. Even to make friends, I found that I pretty much just had my military buds. Civilian gay guys, ....very hard to make friends.

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    Sep 22, 2010 4:42 AM GMT
    You'll be alright, buddy. We've all been there at some point and time.

    FYI. If I was closer to you I would definitely date you and if nothing else I would be fine with a simple summer/autumn month fling :-)
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    Sep 22, 2010 1:18 PM GMT
    Like you I also work away from my home town for long stints (usually 4 years) with short intervals back home (between 1 to 2 years)
    This make finding a lover very difficult because you know you are going away and don’t want to hurt someone when you have to leave and also don’t want to get hurt…so you hold back a bit and guys feel this and also hold back ..thus the close connection just doesn’t get made.
    I hang out 99% of the time with straight men, and made great friends who love me for who I am, and weirdly enough it was they who introduced me to some very nice gay guys…
    Now I have some great friends “with benefits” and don’t feel lonely at all…
    Still hope that one day I will find a guy that will be willing to move with me all over the world as my work send me around
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    Sep 22, 2010 1:28 PM GMT
    Do this several times in your car till you get it out of your system:



    I know it can be tough being alone, but it can also present you with the opportunity to get to know yourself better or to do something different. Volunteer somewhere, take a free class, take little road trips, play volleyball or softball, etc.. You don't have to go to a bar or online to meet people, either. Practice being approachable and confident. I'm shy and not overly confident, but I meet a lot of people just by striking up a conversation (just as friends - I'm happily partnered).

    I grew up in a town of 25,000 and felt like the only gay in the village, so I know how difficult it can be. One thing my father used to say when I would tell him I was bored, is "Only boring people get bored." That really made me upset so I learned to enjoy my own company and do the things I like to do. It's really made a difference. I don't mind doing stuff by myself at all and don't feel self-conscious.

    Put yourself out there with no expectations. You may meet a fling or you may wind up making a new best friend.
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    Sep 22, 2010 1:33 PM GMT
    I'm a strong beleiver things will just flow when it is time for you to find someone again, leave yourself open to the possibility and be patient. If a real companion / "Partner in Crime" is what your looking for, One great one is worth more than a thousand not to great...
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    Sep 22, 2010 8:17 PM GMT
    Boring people get bored - Nice one. I like it. I don`t have this problem, I have the opposite. I just HAVE TO MUCH I could do but...i don`t know what to do! :-) Typically, I would ask my mother her opinino as to what I should do. Her respnose: <> Lol. I might respnose, <>.

    Also, Partner in Crime, worth waiting for. Agree. It just sucks in the meanwhile.

    Everyone who has responded, publically or privately, thank you so much. I feel very encouraged and am grateful to you guys for the pick-me up.
    I know I sound like a broken record, but I am encouraged that i am not alone.

    Smiling,
    Dave
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    Sep 22, 2010 8:30 PM GMT
    Ll I wouldnt even know where to begin... I really hate myself outside of a relationship, or not having anyone.. to me the old adage of "loving onself" jsut seems like nonsense.. love is something that is done to another by one.... that to me is the definition of love.. Caring for another, caring for oneself is boring and not motivating at all

    My solution was to love everyone and care for everyone unconditionally.... feeling like Im married to the whole world, it helps me alot
  • Geoedward

    Posts: 657

    Sep 22, 2010 8:45 PM GMT
    Hey buddy, you are correct, you are not alone. We have all been there at one time or another. Before I met my partner, I was single for about 3 years. I dated on and off. I didn't think I would like being alone. The first year was hell after being with someone for 5 years. After a while I stopped looking for love and got involved with other things. I volunteered at the homeless shelter, I server foods to homeless people with AIDS. I volunteered at the clinic. I got involved with animal rescue. The important thing is keeping yourself busy. I finally found my love but it was when I wasn't looking or even expecting it. Find something that interest you and get involved. You have to live for today and make the best of it. The past is the past, we don't know what our future holds for us, but we can make the most of today. You will find someone very special. Until you do, take time for you. Learn to live for you, to love you. Take care, George
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    Sep 22, 2010 9:30 PM GMT
    amar_m saidLl I wouldnt even know where to begin... I really hate myself outside of a relationship, or not having anyone.. to me the old adage of "loving onself" jsut seems like nonsense.. love is something that is done to another by one.... that to me is the definition of love.. Caring for another, caring for oneself is boring and not motivating at all

    My solution was to love everyone and care for everyone unconditionally.... feeling like Im married to the whole world, it helps me alot


    I cant hep but agree with amar. When you focus on the love that you do not get the world can become a really undesirable place to be in. But when you focus on what you can do/give to others around you, whether it be a day trip or a weekly thing, you then become less self-centered and life becomes more satisfying. I am sure there might be someone who you can talk to, someone who you know might need something - and you could be there for them. Maybe you only need to feel needed to lift your heavy moods, and not necessarily feel passionately desired! I m convinced that despite your personal life problems you are still able to make a difference for someone!

    Ask yourself not only what you want out of a relationship, but also what you are willing to give, even to sacrifice. Think whether it would then be a fair relationship if all played out this way - would you go out with yourself if you would treat your date like that? icon_smile.gif This might help you be a little more realistic when you are faced with a choice of whether or not to commit to someone in your life. And yeah, I would stay away from one-night stands coz it is really only an illusion of the things you seem to be needing the most now.

    Finally, you said you are from a Christian background. I personally find that praying and talking to God really lifts most, if no all, of my loneliness away and gives me cheers - how about you?

    Good luck, bud!
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    Sep 22, 2010 9:53 PM GMT
    I wouldn't let the fact that you are leaving in a few months stop you. If you happen to meet someone and after a few dates you think there is something there, just be open and honest about the situation. Some guys mights be ok with it and some not... but no point in letting that stop you from going out and meeting them in the first place.
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    Sep 22, 2010 9:56 PM GMT
    Dave,

    We've all been there....and surprisingly I feel the same at times, but I've learned to focus myself even more within my career. Love/Relationships/Companionship will always find a way into your soul - it’s true.

    As for the Army part - I was involved with someone who live far away (Ft. Rucker, to be exact), but we made it work even with our busy schedule and with me living in Vegas; I still miss it - it was good times.

    I certainly believe that the feeling you have now is a desire in which you miss; companionship. The environment you were raised is something that is core to you (I share that same feeling) - I am going to assume your a person who gives the relationship their all.

    Anyhow...just my short brief thoughts. icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 23, 2010 1:38 AM GMT
    amar_m saidLl I wouldnt even know where to begin... I really hate myself outside of a relationship, or not having anyone.. to me the old adage of "loving onself" jsut seems like nonsense.. love is something that is done to another by one.... that to me is the definition of love.. Caring for another, caring for oneself is boring and not motivating at all

    My solution was to love everyone and care for everyone unconditionally.... feeling like Im married to the whole world, it helps me alot



    A man after my own heart! beautiful words my sweet man! unfortunately most people nowadays are either too afraid, lazy, or just plain selfish to give love! while most of us "out of convenience" will agree the best kind of love is self love, those of us who have expressed it unconditionally to others know too well that sharing it with another there is no greater kind of love.


    Leandro ♥
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    Sep 23, 2010 4:11 AM GMT
    Hey Guys.

    Thanks. Alot to think about.

    Thank you, sincerely.

    Dave
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    Sep 23, 2010 4:21 AM GMT
    The thing about relationships: every single relationship you'll be in will fail... until one doesn't. I hope you aren't dwelling on that.

    As for the summer fling or whatever you're looking for before you deploy, there is nothing wrong with a not-so-serious relationship, as long as you are honest and tell the guy you're leaving and aren't looking for something serious.

    As for the having too much to do: the best part about having lots of options is that you can come back to the ones you didn't choose. Just go with your instinct!
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    Sep 28, 2010 6:03 PM GMT
    An update

    Hey guys, again thank you for your replies both publically and privately. I still feel very encouraged and not so...alone.

    Amar et others:
    Thank you for your advice. I have been thinking about pouring my energies into other people and get it off my need to have someone to hold/love/care for. Thank you.

    As said, My solution was to love everyone and care for everyone unconditionally.... feeling like Im married to the whole world, it helps me alot- Amar.

    Thanks. I have definately been trying to listen and love everyone around me. So far, i am receiving positive feedback.
    Thanks guys!

    Oh...I am also redirecting energies to working out. SO,..maybe guarding alittle bit of selfishness for myself! lol

    Dave
  • RSportsguy

    Posts: 1925

    Sep 28, 2010 9:05 PM GMT
    Good luck Dave!! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Sep 28, 2010 9:17 PM GMT
    Hmmmm...............at the risk of sounding like an arrogant prick.........i really don't have this problem or understand people who do.........i'm single, and much prefer single me over coupled/trapped me...........relationships have a way of making me feel smother/suffocated. i have friends, i'm involved in a lot of things, and i'd rather read a book than waste my time trying be with someone who's just going to ef me over eventually. I don't know........i'd say spend some time getting to know you and doing the things you like to do - on your own.
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    Sep 29, 2010 1:32 AM GMT
    Skotty75,

    Thank you for sharing where you are coming from. I do not share this same opinion, however, we can agree to disagree. Another cliche woudl be, to each their own. I like how I am when I am in a relationship (period).
    Do I need to get to know myself. I think I am an expert at myself. We`ve been together for almost 27 years now. We really know each other. Thank you though.

    Dave
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    Sep 29, 2010 1:52 AM GMT
    I like being in a relationship too and how it changes me, gives me something to look forward to, gives me excitement and anticipation in life. But you can't force it. It always seems to happen when you're not looking or when you don't want it. Then it seems to get all screwed up and you regret what you had and lost.... Geez I'm a real downer!

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    Sep 29, 2010 1:58 AM GMT
    There's a business in this for someone entrepreneurial.

    Short Term Relationships

    It matches up guys who only want to hang for 3, 6, 8 months or so.
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    Sep 29, 2010 3:16 AM GMT
    Dave1984 saidSkotty75,

    Thank you for sharing where you are coming from. I do not share this same opinion, however, we can agree to disagree. Another cliche woudl be, to each their own. I like how I am when I am in a relationship (period).
    Do I need to get to know myself. I think I am an expert at myself. We`ve been together for almost 27 years now. We really know each other. Thank you though.

    Dave


    Good for you Dave! you are a giver. I had my share of failed relationships but I have not given up on it. I get a great deal of satisfaction caring and loving for someone because that in turn makes me the better person. I am currently single and won't deny how good it feels to be alone and independent, but I also love the company of someone in the long term. Nothing beats the feeling when you are thinking about someone you love and who loves you back 24/7.


    Leandro ♥
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Sep 29, 2010 3:38 AM GMT
    Dave1984 saidI am a better guy when I have someone to love in my life. Secondly, I have been working on my shit and accept that it is a process. I also feel like I have it together. Up to now, I have been surrounded by great friends who would keep me busy and distract me. Now that I am home for several months...I am confronted with these feelings of being alone and unloved. Yes, i am sure there are deeper rooted issues here that I haven`t delt with. When i say I have my shit together, I mean I dòn`t just hold my life together, I am generally very happy with most aspects of my life, except for my pathetic love life.


    Yes, I know.... and I can totally relate to this....


    Dave1984 saidSo, the answer is simple: get out there and date someone. Problem: I work for the army and will be leaving in 4 or 8 months. i realize that I am fooling myself but can`t i have a relationshp for a few months? Whatever happened to summer flings (or automn flings?).

    I feel like if i go to the bar now...that I am easy because I want that connectiveness, which mistakenly doesn`t come from one night encounters. What am I doing? There are some great guys online here, and I get flattered all the time with remarks that I am attractive, but why can`t i find a decent guy who will fall for me (time restrictions aside).


    I am sorry if this comes across as presumptuous, but to me, it doesn't sound like you are looking for a "fling" or sex, but a real, meaningful relationship. Sex is a component of a relationship - sex isn't a relationship. I don't think that is where you are lacking - or you could easily correct with your looks icon_biggrin.gif

    I think you hit the nail on the head though - you will be leaving a few months, and I think might make finding a boyfriend more difficult than it otherwise would be. You just need to find the right guy who is willing to stick it with you for the long haul. I am not going to be cheerleader here... because I'm in a similar situation as yourself, minus the military factor (yet...). I know how hard it is to find something like a meaningful relationship that fills that lonely, empty feeling. Sex can only take you so far icon_neutral.gif


    Dave1984 saidDid that come across as desperate?


    No Dave, you don't sound desperate. You sound realistic and human. I wish more guys were like you - up front with their needs and desires instead of fleeing to sex and macho-ism to compensate for their problems.