Not out... is that a problem?

• GoodPup
  
  Posts: 797
  
  
  Sep 22, 2010 5:38 AM GMT

  Someone asked me tonight if I was out... when I said no their reply was, "Too bad".
  
  Is it too bad? I don't see a problem with my not being out at home or work cause I just don't see it as their business.
  
  Is it just me?

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• disasterpiece
  
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  Sep 22, 2010 5:40 AM GMT

  That guy don't want to date "unouted" gays ?
  
  Too bad.
  
  ... His loss ;)

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  Sep 22, 2010 5:44 AM GMT

  You have a Fourth Amendment right to privacy in the United States.
  Generally, what you choose to share about yourself with others is your choice and your business alone.
  Generally, all bets are off if you are a public figure.
  
  

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  Sep 22, 2010 5:49 AM GMT

  I suppose it depends on the guy. I know there are people who don't want to date a guy who is not "out." I assume that it is to prevent any problems or awkwardness- it could be based on some event in his past. In one way it makes sense. Who does not want to be free to be in public with the person they are dating; who wants to sneak around in the shadows afraid of running across family, friends or the likes?
  
  Having said that, I am certain that it is not a problem for everybody. Keep looking.

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  Sep 22, 2010 5:51 AM GMT

  Once you've been out for a while, it becomes more and more difficult to be around closeted guys because you're so used to just being yourself without worrying about what others think. Not to mention becoming more and more prepared to deal with the occasional and inevitable crap that people throw at you from time to time.
  
  With that in mind, yeah, it's easy to say "too bad" when someone admits they're in the closet. I'm guilty of it myself (have a good friend who's not out yet). I love him - sexually - but we can't hang out in public because he's too nervous that someone might find out about him.
  
  I know there's nothing we can do to make you come out before you're ready...that's your decision...but the mindset of "I don't date closet guys" has long been part of the "out" crowd. Not everyone feels that way, but many do.

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  Sep 22, 2010 6:18 AM GMT

  disasterpiece saidThat guy don't want to date "unouted" gays ?
  
  Too bad.
  
  ... His loss ;)

  
  I was with a guy for 9 years who was in the closet, he was oart of my life but I really wasn't ever part of his.... In the end it was my loss.
  
  I wont date a closet case

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• disasterpiece
  
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  Sep 22, 2010 6:24 AM GMT

  lilTanker said

  disasterpiece saidThat guy don't want to date "unouted" gays ?
  
  Too bad.
  
  ... His loss ;)

  
  I was with a guy for 9 years who was in the closet, he was oart of my life but I really wasn't ever part of his.... In the end it was my loss.
  
  I wont date a closet case

  
  
  I probably wouldn't either, and I'm not gonna discuss your relationship with that guy (you know, the famous "Yeah, but think of all the good times through those 9 years...").
  
  What I was trying to say is that getting out of the closet shouldn't be a decision made for EXTERN factors (as the one exposed by the OP), but instead a personal decision.
  
  If you choose to get out of the closet (and a lot of you guys are well aware that such a move comes with consequences) just to be able to date that type of guy that turn off on you because you're closeted, well I'm not sure you're doing the right thing.
  
  In fact, my real opinion is closer to Paulflex's.

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  Sep 22, 2010 7:04 AM GMT

  I wouldn´t date a guy who pretended he wasn´t dating me, wouldn´t admit to dating me or generally was living a secret life. It´s too much of a hassle for anything more than an occasional fuck buddy.

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• GoodPup
  
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  Sep 22, 2010 7:20 AM GMT

  I guess dating would make it different... but having no interest in dating it hasn't been a big deal to just be friends with people.

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• AvadaKedavra
  
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  Sep 22, 2010 7:43 AM GMT

  paulflexes saidOnce you've been out for a while, it becomes more and more difficult to be around closeted guys because you're so used to just being yourself without worrying about what others think. Not to mention becoming more and more prepared to deal with the occasional and inevitable crap that people throw at you from time to time.
  
  With that in mind, yeah, it's easy to say "too bad" when someone admits they're in the closet. I'm guilty of it myself (have a good friend who's not out yet). I love him - sexually - but we can't hang out in public because he's too nervous that someone might find out about him.
  
  I know there's nothing we can do to make you come out before you're ready...that's your decision...but the mindset of "I don't date closet guys" has long been part of the "out" crowd. Not everyone feels that way, but many do.

  
  
  Well said.

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• tajsreve
  
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  Sep 22, 2010 8:03 AM GMT

  People have entirely different opinions of being "out" and what that means.
  Some may percieve it as being part of an Interduction.
  meaning that Hi, I am John... I'm gay and this is my boyfriend!
  others percieve it as just being part of who they are and being ok with self acknowledgement.
  Whatever the case may or may not be... if your "out" and with someone who isn't. You will tend to be "on guard" as to what you say or not say to others who know you or your "boyfriend." If your the out partner and you are really into the relationship you will have to be constantly clammed up about your partner, and your private life. As the "out" partner, you never know for certain what will be the boundaries for your "in" partner's closet. Because, the boundaries of "in the closet" are as broad and variable as the "out" boundaries... Some people don't want deal with that.
  Being in the closet or Out is not good or bad.
  It is how you handle it and/or how the other person deals with it.
  

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  Sep 22, 2010 8:40 AM GMT

  you do whatever you think is best for you, guys interested in dating will do whatever they think is best for them.

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• GQjock
  
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  Sep 22, 2010 10:14 AM GMT

  I think there's a difference
  
  If you are so in the closet about it that you have a set series of lies
  to keep everyone from knowing
  
  .... then it is Too Bad
  
  on the other hand if someone was able to come up to you
  and ask ... are you gay?
  and You'd be able to say - Yes I am
  Then there is nothing wrong

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  Sep 22, 2010 11:06 AM GMT

  GQjock saidI think there's a difference
  
  If you are so in the closet about it that you have a set series of lies
  to keep everyone from knowing
  
  .... then it is Too Bad
  
  on the other hand if someone was able to come up to you
  and ask ... are you gay?
  and You'd be able to say - Yes I am
  Then there is nothing wrong

  
  
  This.
  
  I was with a closeted guy for 6 years and the constant stress of being his "Straight" room mate for his family and straight friends was exhausting. Having to de-gay the house was insane. Always worrying if we had thrown out the local fag-rag we had picked up in the hood when we went out the weekend before and saying we were meeting girls we knew in other cities when we went on vacation made me sick to my stomach. Not to mention the dummy bedroom we kept downstairs for me that I had to make look like it was used.
  
  Too bad you're the type of person would make someone else lie to make you comfortable. If you want to be in the closet, that's your businesses and your right. I just think you're better off dating and keeping like minded guys in your life rather that sucking people that are comfortable with themselves into your vortex of lies, half truths and false appearances.

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  Sep 22, 2010 12:22 PM GMT

  Quoting Harvey Milk
  
  "Gay brothers and sisters,... You must come out. Come out... to your parents... I know that it is hard and will hurt them but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives... come out to your friends... if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors... to your fellow workers... to the people who work where you eat and shop... come out only to the people you know, and who know you. Not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake. For the sake of the youngsters who are becoming scared by the votes from Dade to Eugene."
  
  

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  Sep 22, 2010 12:38 PM GMT

  Maybe he meant it was too bad for him, because he would have liked to have dated you. This is definitely a comment that could have more than one meaning.
  
  Unless he was clearly trying to berate you, I would not think anything of it; otherwise, it might appear that you are the one who has an insecurity with not being out.
  
  When I was single, I made it a point never to date a guy who was in the closet. I also didn't want people to come out so that they could date me, which some had asked to do. You need to come out for yourself when the time is right.
  
  I have no problem with guys who have not come out. I think everyone has to deal with that in their own time and their own way. However, guys who are not out should not be so quick to take offense to those who have chosen to come out, are happy about it and would like to motivate others. Most of these people have faced a great deal of adversity to get where they are, and truly have the best of intentions when they bring the topic up.
  
  In the meantime do what feels comfortable to you, and make sure that you love and respect yourself at all times. If someone is really being an asshat, walk away secure in the knowledge that it is his own insecurities that are on display at that point.
  
  
  
  
  

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  Sep 22, 2010 12:40 PM GMT

  JaseinOC saidSomeone asked me tonight if I was out... when I said no their reply was, "Too bad".
  
  Is it too bad? I don't see a problem with my not being out at home or work cause I just don't see it as their business.
  
  Is it just me?

  
  I think it depends on the circumstances. I don't see an issue with not being out at work assuming you don't spend a lot of time socializing with your co-workers. The whole issue of sexual preference shouldn't be relevant at work anyway. As far as home, again depends. If you live near your family and go to many family functions, then it could be an issue. If that is not the case, and you can compartmentalize your social life separate from your family life, then again, it shouldn't matter, at least in the short-term.

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  Sep 22, 2010 12:45 PM GMT

  lilTanker said

  disasterpiece saidThat guy don't want to date "unouted" gays ?
  
  Too bad.
  
  ... His loss ;)

  
  I was with a guy for 9 years who was in the closet, he was oart of my life but I really wasn't ever part of his.... In the end it was my loss.
  
  I wont date a closet case

  
  
  This. Tried that twice, and both times I felt like a dirty secret. We never went out to places their friends/family/coworkers could see them (one guy and I ended up always sitting at my place, watching movies).

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  Sep 22, 2010 12:47 PM GMT

  I am not out. I am a college professor, am originally from India and have never had a relationship per say. Does that mean I will never be out? No!
  I believe it is a process and not an impulse decision. Being from India, it will be difficult for my family to understand what me being gay means. Do I care about them? Probably no. I do care about my mother who is visiting the US for the first time. For past couple months I have been trying to ease her into the idea of someone being gay. I have had her meet with my lesbian couple friends. She loved them. I discussed the whole idea of someone being gay with her over our evening walks. She seems to be OK with it but has no clue about me, or so I think. She still wants me to find a "well educated Indian girl" and get "settled" in my life . Again, its a process and it will take time.
  Getting back to the topic, I dated someone, who cheated on me and the excuse was that I was not a complete part of his life and although he loved me a lot, he couldn't feel that I could ever be a part of his life unless I came out to everyone. I did not think it was a decision that I would take because he wanted me to. I will come out when I want to. So, it did cost me a potential relationship. I am not sad about that now because if he really loved me, I would be a part of his life in any case; oh and he also wouldn't have cheated on me!
  
  I have been trying to put myself out there now. I am recently done with the graduate school, all the time while I was strictly not out. I am working as a college faculty now, still not out. I am now feeling the need to find someone I can completely trust and love.
  
  Hopefully I will find that someone, and when I do find him, he wouldn't care if I am out or not, and then, I would lean on him to come out publicly.
  

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  Sep 22, 2010 12:48 PM GMT

  I personally don't care if someone is out of not as long as it doesn't require ME to change anything about how I function day to day (I'm out but not HEY LOOK AT ME) or lie.

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  Sep 22, 2010 12:58 PM GMT

  It's perfectly fine for you to structure your situation as you have.
  
  Your question likely arises from not fully understanding that other people will want the same freedom and choice for their life.
  
  Most of us can respect someone who doesn't want to come out for whatever reasons, so long as they aren't malicious (i.e. politicians.)
  
  But the same respect has to be accorded to those who do not want that as part of their life. As czechshadow points out, don't ask me to alter my life in such a fundamental way if you're not willing to do the same.
  
  Of course, those of us on the other side will always preach that the honesty is easy...but we have to remember being inside the closet doors and the stress/anxiety that can come with that based on context.

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  Sep 22, 2010 1:08 PM GMT

  Bigsmiles saidQuoting Harvey Milk
  
  "Gay brothers and sisters,... You must come out. Come out... to your parents... I know that it is hard and will hurt them but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives... come out to your friends... if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors... to your fellow workers... to the people who work where you eat and shop... come out only to the people you know, and who know you. Not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake. For the sake of the youngsters who are becoming scared by the votes from Dade to Eugene."
  
  

  
  
  
  Even more true and relevant now after ~30 years since we've progressed and gained immense inertia.

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  Sep 22, 2010 1:32 PM GMT

  
  
  When you're out it's very hard to see why you were ever in the closet, all those paranoid feelings of what might happen if people found out never materialised, or you saw that they wern't such a big problem. It's very hard to revert back to that state of mind again.
  
  As such some people who are out and proud, don't have alot of time for those who havn't made that step yet. I was with a guy for 5 years who was deeply closetted, and it had the effect of not only numbing our relationship, but also to nearly drag me back into the closset somewhat. Not something I would do again.
  
  With all due respect to those not out, it's not a lifestyle choice, much and all as closetted people will tell you that, everyone should be open about their sexulaity and more importantly who they love.
  
  It's funny how this 'none of their business' ideal extends only to being gay, and guys will still share every other detail about their lives with co-workers or freinds,

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  Sep 22, 2010 1:42 PM GMT

  Your not out and it's not a problem.

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  Sep 22, 2010 1:59 PM GMT

  If the guy was really hot, and you were interested in him... I'd tell him whatever makes him happy...then, if it goes to the next level, you can explain more in detail later...
  May not be the totally honest, ethically correct thing to do... but he shouldn't be using that as a ruler when deciding if he is attracted to you... and that's what first meeting is usually about, is it not?? The rest comes later... if there is to be a later.

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