Dealing with bf fag hag?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2010 8:00 AM GMT
    How do you deal with your bf fag hag. I don't have one, so I don't really understand.
    But he said their relationship is "3 times that of Will and Grace" and said that "it's like im cheating on her" being with me.
    She's not too fond of me.

    But yeah I kinda get a bit jealous of their closeness so I'm just wondering what the best way of dealing with it is.

    cheers
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Sep 24, 2010 10:38 AM GMT
    I never realized just how much I hated the word "fag hag" until now.

    The friend comes with the deal, and don't expect the guy to change his attitude towards her for you. She'll still be there long after you move on. Don't be too jealous of their closeness; you're still the one rolling around with him in the nude. If you know him for as long as they've known each other, you will also be as close as they are.

    At this point, though, you can either tough it out if you really like the guy, or call it quits if you can't stand the company he keeps.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Sep 24, 2010 11:49 AM GMT
    This is tricky. If it's just a sense of jealousness you're feeling toward her (and the feelings are likewise from her), you'll just have to find a way to deal with it if you value your relationship with your BF. However, if you find that she's actively trying to undermine your relationship, then you need to take a firm stance.

    Some women irrationally "lay claim" to their gay male friends, often as substitutes for boyfriends that they lack themselves, and it can be hugely co-dependent, desperate and pathetic. They don't give up without a fight.

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    Sep 24, 2010 12:07 PM GMT
    Idk, I'm prob over-reacting.
    But basically she has never had a boyfriend and if he is with me and she messages him wanting to do stuff and he is like "sorry with jeff" she doesn't respond and gets shitty. Like she did the other day.
    He said he was over her immatureness but they are obviously hanging out tonight and he has gone back to putting his profile pic of one of them 2.
    I've pretty much never been his profile picture.

    I'm actually SCARED to ask him if I get to spend NYE with him cause he usually spends it with her every year and he hasn't asked me to spend it with him yet and i'm worried if he says no it'll just shatter me.

    She is all those things - hugely co-dependent, desperate and pathetic.
    I just wish she would FINALLY get a man to herself.

  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Sep 24, 2010 12:12 PM GMT
    Arrange to go out to dinner with both of them. Tell them both that you respect their relationship as friends and understand that they will of course want to continue to do things together, just as you hope she respects your relationship with him and will be equally as understanding.

    Having a bf doesn't mean becoming a symbiotic entity. Don't neglect your own friends, either.
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    Sep 24, 2010 12:18 PM GMT
    Unfortunately it probably won't work out with your BF.

    I too have a "Grace"

    She has liked both of my previous LTR, but she is very quick to let me know if she doesn't like an association I may have. Then, the association usually falls below standards and becomes disapparate.
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    Sep 24, 2010 3:27 PM GMT
    "Fag hag's" are tricky. They make sense in High School maybe, but people who have them in adult life often have them for the wrong reasons. The fag hag is often a girl who can't get attention from straight guys, and attaches herself to a gay guy to make up for it. Naturally, she will get extremely jealous when someone else (you) comes into the picture, and coupled with her own anger about her own loneliness, she will go at anything to end the relationship.

    A lot of it comes down to the maturity of your boyfriend. Regardless of whether she's a fag hag or whatever else you call a person--it's not ok to have a friend, especially a "best" friend, who puts her own needs over the relationship needs of her "friend."

    The closeness he shares with her should be going towards you, and if he continually chooses to do that, end it. Sometimes gay guys with strong fag hag relationships will try and use them almost as an asset--a "look how funny me and my fag hag" sort of thing, in an effort to get attention. If that's the case, he's clearly not mature enough to be in a relationship with someone.

    And NO, she is not going to get a BF anytime soon. They're not called "hag" because it's just a cute rhyme.
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    Sep 24, 2010 3:33 PM GMT
    You know, the problem is not her. It´s your boyfriend.

    If he can´t manage his relationships (especially close friendships) in a healthy way then I can´t seeing his relationship with you being any better.

    By no means try and compete with her, don´t get jealous of time they spend together, but if your BF won´t treat you as his BF then let him and his hag have each other. You can do better.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Sep 24, 2010 3:35 PM GMT
    Yes, it is incredibly important (and healthy) that you and your boyfriend have friendships outside of your relationship, but in my observation "fag hag" friendships can be such that there is no room for anyone else. Most of the ones I've seen have been dysfunctionally co-dependent, to the detriment of any relationship prospects for either the guy or his "hag".

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    Sep 24, 2010 3:48 PM GMT
    I'm not a big fan of that expression, but my BF had a female friend when we met that I wasn't crazy about. She wasn't anywhere near as demanding or jealous as what you're describing, but she wasn't a lot of fun, either, and she did date, but the guys she dated were typically not people we'd choose to hang out with. That cooled off when one of her boyfriends took a distinct dislike to mine, and now we rarely see or hear from her.

    On the flip side, I made a new female friend last year and we spend a good deal of time together. She and my boyfriend are not crazy about each other, but we have all gotten to the point where we are civil, and they do have their own little running jokes, etc., so it is not too bad.
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    Sep 24, 2010 4:02 PM GMT
    Simple...Do not date dudes that got fag hags. Gay dudes with a plethora of fag hags usually means something. :/
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    Sep 24, 2010 4:08 PM GMT
    Will and Grace are a fictional couple. Nothing from that show comes close to reflecting reality.

    Your b/f lives in a dream world.

    Nine times out of 10, fag hag is just another term for a woman with poor boundaries and a borderline personality disorder who thinks she can change the sexual orientation of the guy she's currently stalking.

    Fag Hags come and go. They never last long around men mature enough to handle them.
  • HankFit247

    Posts: 205

    Sep 24, 2010 4:35 PM GMT
    We don't use that term anymore. We call them Fruit Flys now....

    As it's been said above, It's a package deal.

    Don't turn it into a competition for his time, or a confrontation, as you will lose.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2010 4:37 PM GMT
    Lostboy saidYou know, the problem is not her. It´s your boyfriend.


    Exactly. Not that her behavior is a joy, but it's how he feels that will or won't be a problem.

    No point in being jealous though. As has also been said, she's known him longer so their relationship will have aspects yours doesn't yet. That's not your fault or her credit, just happenstance. Letting it bother you will just bring you down to her level, and if he TRULY is tired of her immaturity, he won't like it in you either, so stick to the high road.

    But your question is how. Only thing I can offer so far is "fake it till you feel it". If you pretend it doesn't bother you long enough hopefully it won't. And if you relationship continues to grow, you'll realize she's not a problem after all. Or she'll finally go too far and he'll dump her.

    Or, sorry to say, it will actually be a problem and you'll get out of the situation.

    About New Year's Eve. I think you have a right to know if you get to spend it with your bf. Not a right to do so, but a right to know if you will, so you can make other plans if not. Choosing between a longtime friend and new sex partner** is not easy and you shouldn't make it a bigger issue than it is, for both your sake and his. So go ahead and ask. It really shouldn't shatter you if he chooses her this time, it's just a general populace party night, it's not your anniversary! Look at the big picture of how much time you each get, not at the specifics of NYE.

    Also remember it's not his fault you and she don't get along.

    ** you haven't said how long you've been in this relationship, but obviously it's new compared to them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2010 4:39 PM GMT
    ummmm fag hag? <------- What is that?
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Sep 24, 2010 4:51 PM GMT
    I have always hated the term "Fag Hag". It is so disrespectful and mean-spirited towards the female friend. That said, I also know the "type" of lonely girl who latches on to a gay guy (or group of gay guys) and then proceeds to try infiltrate every aspect of their lives, involving herself in everyone's business, sometimes to the point that it's annoying and a nuisance. I have seen this become a huge problem, even ruin relationships, as the girl can become manipulative, spread gossip, while living her life vicariously through the gay group of friends she has latched onto in order to try and fill an empty void in her own life. If you're the boyfriend of a guy with one of these type women in their life, you have to walk a fine line between trying to also be a friend to her, but also setting boundaries so that both the boyfriend and female friend understand that you're not a threesome.
  • KepaArg

    Posts: 1721

    Sep 24, 2010 5:00 PM GMT
    Yea, no thank you to dating guys with fruit flies.
  • laguna07

    Posts: 124

    Sep 24, 2010 5:07 PM GMT
    One of you will have to go...probably you...no real loss!

  • Sep 24, 2010 8:01 PM GMT
    Don't waste your time. Their connection will always be an issue for you trying to do the right things in the relationship. If he can't devote quality time for a relationship with you and is going to allow some chick who can't get a boyfriend for herself in the way.. let him. She basically has him wrapped around her finger. Let him know you deserve more, back off from him. Give him time to realize you deserve just as much respect as the chick does.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11829

    Sep 24, 2010 9:59 PM GMT
    If indeed this girl is treating you badly...you need to be an adult ...go to your bf and tell him to talk to her....she doesn't have to like you...but since your an important part of bf's life...she needs to at least respect you...All the best....BUD
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2010 10:10 PM GMT
    The proverbial "fag hag" is almost like being in a pseudo relationship...it can be very emotionally enmeshed and physical stuff could potentially be involved. You are in essence the other woman, and your boyfriend refuses to establish boundaries with this woman which makes him in the wrong. Will and Grace times 3...hmmmmmmmm.

    I think there's a huge difference between having close female friends and a fag hag. My female friends would probably choke someone if anyone ever called them "a fag "hag" regardless of how many gay men they hang out with.

    If I'm out and about people always seem to start to tell me every detail of their personal lives, and I've had several women tell me that their best friend is an ex boyfriend or an ex husband....do the math. Then the guys act more loving and touchy feeling with these women than they probably ever did inside the marriage or relationship. It's really kind of sickening.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2010 11:50 PM GMT
    Like it or not she's more than likely a permanent fixture in his life. She was probably the first one he came out to and was his support system for dealing with that. With that said, if your relationship is realatively new (which it sounds like it is) and you make it a compeition, I guarantee you'll lose, just as you would if you made him choose between his dog and you. Now over time as your relationship matures that will change, but early on that's just how it is.

    My advice if you like the guy and want to make it work...make friends with her! Find some common ground other than your bf and wine and dine her! Guaranteed she wants to make sure your not going to do her bff wrong and like it or not it's your job to prove it to her. Who knows you just might become fast friends too.

    BTW the term "fag hag" is Insulting to everyone if you think about it. Just something to think about!
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Sep 24, 2010 11:50 PM GMT

    Let them have their relationship and you have yours with your bf...I wouldn't dream of getting in between friends or family...

    ...monitor those feelings of jealousy...and if need be talk about it with your boyfriend...

    ...and this is just me, but when I find someone who just might not like me...I see that as a challenge to make them my "new best friend" [ting of sarcasm here]...

    Treat her the way you want to be treated...

    - David icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2010 11:54 PM GMT
    Lostboy saidYou know, the problem is not her. It´s your boyfriend.

    If he can´t manage his relationships (especially close friendships) in a healthy way then I can´t seeing his relationship with you being any better.

    By no means try and compete with her, don´t get jealous of time they spend together, but if your BF won´t treat you as his BF then let him and his hag have each other. You can do better.


    For realz.

    But, let's also talk about you, OP.

    Do you spend time with him? Does he show you respect? Is your relationship with him alright?

    Great. You have the major things down. So don't sweat the small stuff of profile pictures. It is Facebook, not your wedding album.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 25, 2010 12:06 AM GMT
    Dang good luck! She will probably win, unless the two of you are really, really close. She will probably resort to trash talking you, get some guy to get in between you guys, try to third wheel anytime she can, or even try to get you two to fight, wow flashback!!!