Dating 4 guys and wanting a Monogamous relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 25, 2010 5:28 AM GMT
    So I've gone on 3 dates with each of them or so, and I'm not sure what to do. I know no one can make up my mind, but i could sure use some advice.icon_wink.gif

    I usually select guys based on personality, more so than good looks... and all 4 have great personalities. I'm also not shallow, but I know what I want.

    1) This guy is 2 year older than me and average to below average looking. His personality is great and he's not too far from me. He has the most available time, 2 decent jobs and he's college educated, which is definitely a plus.

    2) This guy is 4 years younger than me. He's Average looking. He's multi-racial, which is a huge plus. He cannot drink legally, which is a downer. He's fem/out, I'm more in to Masc. guys and people who are discreet. He seems to have the spunkiest personality, which is a plus. He's unemployed, looking for work and living at home. He lives very close to me.

    3) This guy is 10 years older than me. He's cute. He's not the closest, about 45 mins away and very easy to get to. He's got a good job, Is college educated and has his own place, and a car. Masc guy, not out to everyone, ++.

    4) This guy is 4 years older than me. He's cute. He's multi-racial, which is a huge plus. He's extremely far away and hard to get to. Good job, no college, has his own place. Masc guy, not out to everyone. Great personality and likes to show affection the most.

    I have not had sex with any of them and don't usually base relationships on that.

    All of them have similar interests, which is what I'm looking for.

    Not only am i having an issue deciding, but I'm also wondering the best way to let the others down? I don't like crushing people's feelings. Any suggestions?

    Again, I'm looking for a Monogamous relationship, I'm not looking for FWB. I'm just an honest guy here who posted an ad, got replies and can't make up his mind.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 25, 2010 5:33 AM GMT
    It will all happen the way it's supposed to. Could be either one or none at all. When it works you'll know it.
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    Sep 25, 2010 5:38 AM GMT
    So I should just continue to date them all and wait for destiny? Doesn't that seem even worse?icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Sep 25, 2010 5:40 AM GMT
    Not as long as you're honest. The worst thing you could do is start dating only one then switch to another later and another. That would be kinda weird.

    I love this phrase, "Average to below average looking"
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    Sep 25, 2010 5:41 AM GMT
    If they all know you're dating other people and are ok with it, continue having fun and don't worry about the mono thing.
    If they all think you're dating only them, you're already fucked...ya just don't know it yet.
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    Sep 25, 2010 5:45 AM GMT
    hauptstimme said

    I love this phrase, "Average to below average looking"


    That doesn't make me shallow, only aware of others. Atleast that's what a friend told meicon_razz.gif.

    I'm completely knew to dating guys and before was dating women solely, but I'm pretty sure i know what i want.
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    Sep 25, 2010 5:55 AM GMT
    I just think, "average to below average looking" is hilarious. I don't even know what that means.

    Looks are very important. I'll sometimes end up finding some crazy ridiculous thing on a guy's body that I don't like, and it will end up just disgusting me.

    -I once stopped dating this guy because his wrists were too small
    -I once stopped dating this guy because I couldn't stand to look at the shape of his chin
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    Sep 25, 2010 6:04 AM GMT
    hauptstimme saidI just think, "average to below average looking" is hilarious. I don't even know what that means.

    Looks are very important. I'll sometimes end up finding some crazy ridiculous thing on a guy's body that I don't like, and it will end up just disgusting me.

    -I once stopped dating this guy because his wrists were too small
    -I once stopped dating this guy because I couldn't stand to look at the shape of his chin


    Don't try to hard. It's Stuart. He has about 3 thread types. This one is his "Hey I'm living the gay lifestyle of frivolously dating and crushing guys' feelings and playing with them woo and it's ok right cuz that's what everyone does right!!???". So don't invest too much here.

    Also Stewie, be green. Recycle one of the pre-existing decoys you currently still have like Disappearing Act or something.
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    Sep 25, 2010 6:10 AM GMT
    Have you figured out what the guys you're dating are interested in? After a few dates, it's still usually tough to judge where things are heading. They may or may not be interested in a relationship....

    Also, isn't there one of them that you feel the strongest attraction to? When I date multiple guys at once, I'm usually really into ONE of them. One that I would give up all the rest for. One that I can't stop thinking about and looking forward to seeing again. Do you want a relationship just to have a relationship...or do you feel really strongly enough about someone that you want to make that commitment?
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    Sep 25, 2010 6:17 AM GMT
    Ciarsolo said...

    Don't try to hard. It's Stuart. He has about 3 thread types. This one is his "Hey I'm living the gay lifestyle of frivolously dating and crushing guys' feelings and playing with them woo and it's ok right cuz that's what everyone does right!!???". So don't invest too much here.

    Also Stewie, be green. Recycle one of the pre-existing decoys you currently still have like Disappearing Act or something.


    Score! One for C. None for Stewie!

    117416_76837_Unsuccessful.jpg
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    Sep 25, 2010 1:05 PM GMT
    Average to below average is a comparison of other guys I've gone out with. I would actually say below average for #1.

    To me looks are important, but I'm not a character on Seinfeld, I'm not going to go nuts over it. I enjoy a sexy personality + similar interests.

    sanddunes - They all have very similar interest to mine. I'd say I've gone on maybe 15 dates, but I was always flaked off. Sex/love isn't always on my mind and after 3 dates I'm still not any closer, but i did cut it from 6 to 4 guys. 1-2 stand out, but they are really far away icon_sad.gif.

    I definitely want a commitment down the line.


    Ask a mod (if there are any) to check my IP and they'll tell you I'm not that guy. Please get off my back, I'm only trying to get help here. Anymore of this nonsense and I'll just ignore your posts from now on.
  • rioriz

    Posts: 1056

    Sep 25, 2010 3:02 PM GMT
    Only you can make up your own mind on this one...don't wanna explain to the guy chosen "Well I chose you because I started a thread on the internet about which below average to average guy I should chose to be my bf. After all the votes were counted you won by a hair over guy #2! Congratulations!"icon_rolleyes.gif
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Sep 25, 2010 3:07 PM GMT
    So you have dated each 3 times and you want to settle down with one of them....I want to thank you....whenever I think I'm fucked up...I meet someone even more fucked up than myself....Cheers...BUD
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    Sep 25, 2010 3:14 PM GMT
    Is it that hard to understand I want a relationship now?

    I'm tired of waiting for it to come to me icon_cry.gif and I'm depressed as hell right now , so I need someone around that I know will be there for me.

    I never said anything about settling down... That doesn't mean I don't want to have a relationship.

    My only question is whether you think it's ok to string them along, even though they are aware they are not the only 1 ? Eventually I'm going to have to drop 3 of them.

    Assuming it takes 10 dates or more to find out who's the best choice, does that seem alright to any of you?

    I'm looking for advice, not criticism. Thanks
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    Sep 25, 2010 3:19 PM GMT
    QuadraticEquation said
    hauptstimme said

    I love this phrase, "Average to below average looking"


    That doesn't make me shallow, only aware of others. Atleast that's what a friend told meicon_razz.gif.

    I'm completely knew to dating guys and before was dating women solely, but I'm pretty sure i know what i want.


    Are you sure you know what you want? You can't even choose from among an unemployed kid, an employed adult w/o a college degree, and an employed adult w/a college degree?.
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    Sep 25, 2010 3:27 PM GMT
    I'm a non-judgmental guy... Financial wealth is not that important of an issue to me. I'm fiscally fit, so I don't mind.
    Some guys with College degrees also go nowhere in life or aren't as smart as college dropouts/high school diplomas/geds. So at the same time, you can't always judge someone based on that. I give pluses to College, because it usually means the person is an intellectual... atleast when they reply to my ads and I talk with them/get to know them.
    I wouldn't mind someone with no college degree, if they are still hard workers, as is the case with the 1 guy mentioned.
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    Sep 25, 2010 3:37 PM GMT
    Um, I might be missing something here, but are you expecting to turn a few dates into a monogamous relationship? I think you're putting the cart before the horse. If it were that simple, we'd all be in monogamous relationships.
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    Sep 25, 2010 3:42 PM GMT
    I truly believe each one of them is looking for a Monog. . I have a vibe for the good guys and can usually weed the others out.

    It's not just a few dates, I've also talked to them on the phone, emails and texts. They want what I want. Maybe this sounds too trusting, but I look for the good in others.
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    Sep 25, 2010 3:46 PM GMT
    You don’t think sexual compatibility is important?
    It is more important than all the other qualifiers you are using, especially for the long term.

    What’s with the main pic./avatar switch?
    and yes it is too trusting.
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    Sep 25, 2010 3:49 PM GMT
    You don't sound too trusting, but rather a bit naive. Not putting you down at all, so don't get me wrong. I'm saying that if you set your expectations to a certain standard, you may find yourself disappointed at the end result. Its great that you are shooting for what you want, but make sure you have your expectations set correctly. This sounds more like rapid dating, or fast tracking to the end result.

    Relationships tend to develop and evolve naturally. I have never planned out a relationship with someone and then did it, like we were going to see a movie or have a dinner. Because usually it doesn't work out.
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    Sep 25, 2010 4:11 PM GMT


    Well, so far not one of them is making your heart sing.
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    Sep 25, 2010 4:56 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidYou don’t think sexual compatibility is important?
    It is more important than all the other qualifiers you are using, especially for the long term.

    What’s with the main pic./avatar switch?
    and yes it is too trusting.


    no, i do... it's just that to me, it's not AS important as some of the other qualities.

    As for the pics, I'm not out and I figure I'll run into someone I know and it won't go over well with my family or them for that matter. I have them private, in case anyone wants to see them though.


    batman192 - no offense taken. I'll be honest, my standards ARE low. I'm clueless as to what I can actually get or deserve , so I figure go for anyone. These guys i feel different about though...

    What would you call seeing someone a lot, him being there for you, you stay at his place, etc. ? I wouldn't exactly call that dating... That's what I'm looking for.

    I guess my only option is to let nature take it's course, no?
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    Sep 26, 2010 12:27 AM GMT
    If you can't decide you aren't into any of them.

    You are dating. Not judging a fucking science fair.
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    Sep 26, 2010 11:45 AM GMT
    For goodness sake you are probably too immature to even think in terms of a more "stable" relationship yet?, and notice how I quote it! why? to want to be in a relationship requires a certain level of personal maturity, self love, and decisiveness on your part.

    I have no doubt you have the best intentions at heart, but it seems that you are having a big issue deciding which guy to date? most probably not just because of your inexperience but also your inability to figure out what you WANT! so sweetie go ahead date as many guys as you like so that in the short or long term it can help you to decide what you want and the kind of guy that molds to your personality.


    Leandro ♥
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    Sep 26, 2010 12:39 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    Well, so far not one of them is making your heart sing.


    I'm with these guys... I've read heaps of their posts and they usually make a lot of sense... at least in my little world they do...

    I think dating 4 guys at once is overkill... how do you actually locate 4 guys to date at one time? i live in sydney and that would take a lot of effort even here in the 'land of gay'...

    My first thoughts are that you're still living the straight 'playboy' lifestyle, like you did with girls, when you weren't that into them cause you were thinking of guys...

    I know I'm making a hell of a lot of assumptions here cause the info you've given is limited and i don;t have the full story so happy to be corrected...

    I really think you need to take some time out and get to know yourself as a single man... it might not be what you want right now, but it could do some good... it certainly won't do any harm... you've definitely got youth on your side... you're comment about being depressed is what brought me to this thought... it's cliched but if you learn to love yourself first then only then can you learn to love another...

    Gut feeling is that right now, none of these guys are right for you, else you'd be focusing on just one of them now...