Any ways not to find your best straight friend sexually attractive?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 26, 2010 5:35 PM GMT
    Ok, it is a long story but basically while on student exchange in another country I got a real close group of friends. Despite the fact we knew we would have to leave at the end of the year.
    One of the guys became my best friend ever. I did not fancy him, even though he is good looking, as I try not to look at straight guys in that way as I have been burnt in the past. I am not out and everyone believed I was straight.
    As time went on we became really close, did everything together and made eachother really happy. The other friends in the group referred our relationship as 'bromance' even though we still worked well within the group of friends.
    In the last month, I think we realised how much (platonic) love we had, maybe even him more than me, and also that we would lose eachother soon.
    In this time, we became physically close too. Nothing sexual just hugging intensively in secret. On our last night I stayed in his bed and we hugged all night and told eachother how much we loved eachother. When I left, he cried so much. But we promised to stay long distance best friends.
    I think at this point, I started to secretly hope that he might be gay too and that we could turn our relationship into something more.

    Since we parted, we kept in really good contact. Long messages saying how much we loved eachother and how much he was looking forward to hugging me again. I started seeing him in a sexual way too, cos it is hard not to when a great looking guy is telling you how much he loves me everyday, when no one else is saying that to me. We planned to meet eachother 2 months later on a group trip.

    While on holiday, we got physically closer in secret from our friends. We held and caressed hands whenever possible. We spooned and caressed our bodies and slept in eachother's arms. This made me horny. I planned to tell him I was gay as this was driving me mad, but I chickened out. The final night, when the others had gone, we shared a bed again and were very intimate. Pretty much foreplay. It got quite heated and then he asked me 'Do you love me as a best friend or love me in a sexually way?'

    I told him I was gay and I was confused about our friendship. He said he didn't want to lead me on, even though I felt he had. He is straight and liked hugging to show his affection. He was really understanding and we talked all night. He said he loved me even more cos I had shared that with him and that I was still his best ever friend. We still hugged. But in the morning it was awkward when we parted again. I didn't see how we could still be friends and I ignored his messages for the day. When we chatted I told him I think we should end our friendship. But he convinced me not to and I realised I actually can't live without him, our friendship is too important.

    I've tried to not find him sexually attractive but it has been hard to separate my feelings for him. We are meeting again in a month and I don't want to see him that way, but I still want to hug.

    Can we still be best friends? Any tips to help me not find him sexually attractive?

    Sorry for the longness of the post, I have looked at past similar posts on this message board but wanted to clear my head and hopefully find some direction.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 26, 2010 6:00 PM GMT
    1. I don't think your friend's completely straight at all.
    2. If he chooses to identify as straight, as a friend it's your obligation to respect that.
    3. It's his obligation to respect you as well by not doing the lovey dovey stuff while he figures himself out.

    It's not anything a little communication can't solve...in terms of turning off the attraction...I don't know. I have straight friends who i found attractive at one point, and now I don't. I just quit placing them on a pedestal and started seeing them for the non-ideal relationship candidates that they were.
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    Sep 26, 2010 6:07 PM GMT
    It sounds like he has strong feelings for you and he is conflicted.

    Give him the time he needs. he clearly loves you but needs to come to terms with it.
  • westsideindy

    Posts: 46

    Sep 26, 2010 6:13 PM GMT
    The answer your question is no. Hugging and sleeping together ruined it. If you hadn't done that then he would have turned into a bud. This is a tough one, I wouldn't be able to not think of him sexually if we slept together, hugged all night and did some foreplay. If you don't want to think of him that way then you have to have a talk and stay out of bed together. I really hope this helps. good luck!
    Personally, I read your story and if it happened to me it would be kind of a fantasy. Laying in bed with a straight guy hugging but not anything else. I'd be all worked up about it. Should I grab his butt and see what happens? Oh yea, I think I should. Oh that went well, whats next on the menu????
    take care
  • Karnage

    Posts: 704

    Sep 26, 2010 8:50 PM GMT
    Runninchlt said1. I don't think your friend's completely straight at all.
    2. If he chooses to identify as straight, as a friend it's your obligation to respect that.
    3. It's his obligation to respect you as well by not doing the lovey dovey stuff while he figures himself out.


    I completely agree with all of these statements - specifically the last one. It's very difficult to get over someone when they're sending you mixed signals. If he does start to get more physical, you need to stop him. Tell him that as much as you try not to be, you are still attracted to him. He says that he is straight, but when he does things like that, he is confusing you. You are trying to respect him by not crossing any of his boundaries, and he needs to know how to respect you and not lead you on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 26, 2010 10:17 PM GMT
    If you find him attractive then you find him attractive just accept it. No denying it. Just don't like hit on him or anything.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 26, 2010 10:19 PM GMT
    Imagine your friend with a vagina.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 26, 2010 10:46 PM GMT
    Wow. I'm glad I studied abroad in Cyprus with 66 girls and only other 7 other guys. What an odd situation to be in.
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    Sep 26, 2010 11:09 PM GMT
    It's quite easy for me. My bff has two lumpy fatty masses located at mid chest and a vagina between the legs. My other bff is about 3 feet tall, covered with black hair, has long ears and a snout, and sniffs my crotch whenever I come home.

    Try to get sex off your mind. Istead, think of Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day.
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    Sep 26, 2010 11:11 PM GMT
    Picture him in his underwear!

    ...wait that only works for public speaking......
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    Sep 26, 2010 11:27 PM GMT
    conscienti1984 saidIt's quite easy for me. My bff has two lumpy fatty masses located at mid chest and a vagina between the legs. My other bff is about 3 feet tall, covered with black hair, has long ears and a snout, and sniffs my crotch whenever I come home.

    Try to get sex off your mind. Istead, think of Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day.


    Or better yet, Madeleine Albright.
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    Sep 26, 2010 11:28 PM GMT
    He seems to be conflicted about his feelings, do you think you can wait for him to come around, esp not knowing how long that might actually take. If yes then you can keep on going with him like you are now. If not then tell him that you will need some boundaries.

    You can also try making him jealous and see if he actually loves you that way. If he does get jealous ask him why. If not you know what to do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 26, 2010 11:31 PM GMT
    FYI : He's not straight!
    I dont hug my straight friends all night in bed icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 26, 2010 11:40 PM GMT
    Runninchlt said I have straight friends who i found attractive at one point, and now I don't. I just quit placing them on a pedestal and started seeing them for the non-ideal relationship candidates that they were.

    We've all been there at some point.
    A relationship candidate is, at the very least, one who is willing and able to love you back. If he can't or won't, take him off the pedestal.
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Sep 26, 2010 11:48 PM GMT
    I just sort of stop caring.

    Your story sounds kinda confusing though. Sounds like he might need to see a shrink. My straight guy friends don't do that... I mean I can make them rub my back sometimes and we hug like for a second but.............. None of the rest of that stuff.