what lines/sentences/phrases did your parents say that shocked you?

  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Sep 27, 2010 2:01 AM GMT
    as much as they try to be perfect and set examples for their children; sometimes a mother/father will let loose and say what's exactly on their mind.

    what did your mom/dad say that made you gasp/giggle/smirk/chortle?

    here's a few from my polite, prim, proper, church going parents:

    my 9 year old sister had done a spectacular job of breaking both bones in her left arm. she was alternating between wimpering/bellowing bloddy murder. my father had managed to lasso all 4 kids in the family station wagon to bring us all to the hopsital. my mother was taking her usual sweet time dressing, was standing in front of the hall way mirror, carefully brushing her hair.

    dad totally lost it...he Bellowed at her in a voice that ( i thought) made the mirror shake: "wowan...FUCK THAT HAIR!! GET IN THE GODDAMN CAR NOWWWW!"

    icon_lol.gif


    another child, another broken limb. as we were getting out of the car, at the emergency room door a porter officiously tells us "youse cahn't paaaark dat caur heah...dis here beeeez paahkin fo' de emogincy ve-hik-ils".

    my june cleaver copy of a mother (carefully coufed blond hair, fake pearls, long white gloves, pleated skirt, white high healed shoes..yes, gentle reader, this WAS a long time ago!) stops from dragging her deformed-armed child out of the back of her beloved ford station wagon, hurls her white purse on top of her car and screams at him in a voice so shrill, so high pitched i'm amazed the car windows didn't shatter: "well what the HELLLLLLL do you this this car is? a GOD DAMNED GOOD HUMOR TRUCK??? get OUT of my way, DUMBASSSSS!!!!"


    icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif



    anyone else?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:05 AM GMT
    My Dad called the woman that just bought his house a cunt.

    I know we are on an adult level, but I've only heard him use that word twice. It gets me laughing because he's a very proper man.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Sep 27, 2010 2:11 AM GMT
    hauptstimme said....It gets me laughing because he's a very proper man.


    yes, exactly! both of my parents tried so hard to be the perfect models of politeness and decorum for their children to follow. the few times they became human beings and said out loud exactly what they had on their minds, in the strongest, most expleted/deleed words possible...their humainity and emotions brought tears of laughter to me and my siblings. icon_wink.gif
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:12 AM GMT
    *while holding a freshly cut bamboo twig for a "spanking" (aka leg-skin tearing)*
    "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you."
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:14 AM GMT
    "They call you a fag in school 'cause you act like one."
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:15 AM GMT
    From my mother:

    "I was born without you and can live without you."
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:16 AM GMT
    "You are adopted."

    Found that one out at 9 years of age. Thanks for keeping me informed, assholes.
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:17 AM GMT
    MOM - "your doctor called. they asked to swith ur anti biotic because ur caltur came back. Aparently u have soemthing resistent to what they gave u. they said to pick it up as soon as possible"

    ME - "oh ok great thanks"

    MOM - "...are u HIV positive?"

    ME - "... ...im sorry, WHAT?!"

    MOM - "dont get mad im jsut worried about u"
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:18 AM GMT
    The BEST from my Mom

    Me: I need to get laid Mom

    Mom: Go to a sex addicts anonymous meeting. They are filled with vulnerable, horny people. That's what I used to do.
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:20 AM GMT
    hauptstimme saidThe BEST from my Mom

    Me: I need to get laid Mom

    Mom: Go to a sex addicts anonymous meeting. They are filled with vulnerable, horny people. That's what I used to do.
    Your mom is a fucking genius! LMAO! icon_lol.gif
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:26 AM GMT
    My mom being from the south and clearly black had too many to mention but here are a few gems! LOL I should say... all empty threats that usually made both of us (she and I) laugh, but I got the message.

    "I will slap the taste out of your mouth!" This was said once when I tried to curse in front of my mom.

    " I will slap you into the middle of next week!"

    " I will slap the color off you!"

    And my all time favorite once when I was misbehaving with my cousin... she yells across the house " If you don't stop I will boomerang my house slipper at you!"

    I love my mom she is such a funny lady!

    "
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:27 AM GMT
    STEP-FATHER: "You can't sit at the dinner table; you have mono. I don't want any of that shit."

    ME: "I had mono two months ago... I'm not even contagious."

    STEP-FATHER: "Sure you are. They say it's in your system for the rest of your life. Now go sit in the living room and eat your dinner."

    ... I meander into the living room with my plate and prepare to sit on the couch...

    STEP-FATHER: "Don't sit on MY side, you idiot!!!"

    MOM: "Don't be such a jerk... you do realize that you share the same toilet seat, don't you?"

    STEP-FATHER: "You mean he doesn't clean it after every use?!"

    ... this coming from a man that pees in the shower... not necessarily while he's taking a shower.
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:30 AM GMT
    My 90 year old grandmother said... "I sure hope they pass that gay marriage law... and I hope they pass that marijuana law..."

  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Sep 27, 2010 2:38 AM GMT
    CaliBoySwag saidMy 90 year old grandmother said... "I sure hope they pass that gay marriage law... and I hope they pass that marijuana law..."

    i recall reading a comment from Johnny Carson that he always looked foward to interviewing the very old or very young, because they seldom held back and said exactly what was on their minds. icon_idea.gif
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:40 AM GMT
    me: so...im gay...

    mom: oh. okay, umm, so, i guess do u wanna go shopping?


    me: so my train leaves toronto at 3 am, should get to nyc at around noon tomorrow

    mom: oh baby boy, be careful, i know u like being independent and such, but ...well, okay, smoke a cigarette, spit a few times, look angry but not crazy, and dont talk to anyone but the driver.


    me as a baby: (touches ... well, anything)

    mom: hot hot hot hot! gennnnntllllleeee,,,,



    love u momma!!
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Sep 27, 2010 2:40 AM GMT
    my father, talking to my mother about my youngest brother's latest stupidity-in-action: "WHY weren't you on the pill that month when we made him?"


    icon_eek.gif
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:41 AM GMT
    Dad (to me): "Those pants are so tight I can see the outline of your vagina."

    I think he's just jealous because my dick is bigger than his.
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:43 AM GMT
    None that I can remember, but just recently my cousin told her son, who at 13 is already a man:

    "I'm gonna crawl up your ass and beat you from the inside!"

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    Sep 27, 2010 2:46 AM GMT
    My Dad said about my older sisters second husband. That guy is nothing but a big dick. icon_eek.gif
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:50 AM GMT
    I just remembered a funny gem:

    Me and my mom in the car, driving around a huge maze-like parking lot with apparently no exit, my mom all of a sudden yells out "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER!!" I'm like WTF ROTF!
  • BlackBeltGuy

    Posts: 2609

    Sep 27, 2010 2:55 AM GMT
    my dad says," damn out of all those sperm the gay one got in, I should have pulled out on your mother's leg"

    my dad to me after getting off stage in comedy, "your only funny because you came from my balls"

    or the phone call last week from the big fat Greek restaurant in my family,

    Dad says,"Hey order me a fleshlight but one thats not ribbed cause i'm Uncut and it will be too sensitive"

    he is my best friend and i love his guts wouldn't change a thing
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:59 AM GMT
    I did something wrong, reply by mom was "don't make me come over there and SCATTER your face!" lol

    and from Dad- "there are two things that would get you expunged from this family, marrying an ugly woman, I don't want my grandchildren to be ugly, and being a republican, better yet a gay republican. What kind of nonsense is that, its like a vegetarian lion"
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    Sep 27, 2010 3:04 AM GMT
    Stepmother, to my step-sister years ago.....
    SM: "Why are you crying?"
    SS: "I got a B on my report card!"
    SM: "And?"
    SS: "You know Im a straight A student, Ive never had a B before!"
    SM: "Girl, please, nothing wrong with a B. Do you know much dick your aunt had to suck in school to get Bs? Do you know how many times I had to bend over in short skirts to get Bs?"

    icon_eek.gif
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    Sep 27, 2010 3:05 AM GMT
    One time my dad actually asked me....
    " How do you have sex with another man?"
    icon_eek.gif
    uhm, you really want to know?
    Like, what do you say to that?
  • disasterpiece

    Posts: 2991

    Sep 27, 2010 3:53 AM GMT
    That happened just tonight. My brother's learning how to drive and he and my mother came pick me at the train station (I'm visiting them tonight).

    We're on the highway, approaching the end of it.

    Mother : Ok, slow down now, push the break.

    (Bro slows down at 35 mph. Light turns green, and we're still kinda far)

    Mother : Now whatcha doin', we're gonna miss the damn green light ! Push down the pedal, you slowmo !


    EDIT => Wow, that was funny, but not shocking. Sorry for being soooo Off-topic. My father once told me some shocking things, but he was very angry, didn't think them, and I forgave him. No need to bring that back here icon_wink.gif