Thinking about coming out of the closet?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 27, 2010 3:12 AM GMT
    Hi i'm new, just wanted some advise. When i was younger i really did like girls but through high school i new i liked guys but i was to afraid to come out of the closet and i could never say the worlds "i'm gay" to myself in my head i guess i was in denial. But now i'm 20 and for the last year i guess i've kinda come to terms with my sexuality (My best friend being a lesbian might of helped with that lol) and now as the days go by, I kinda feel an urge to be with another guy and always think what things would be like if that was to happen. When i went to a gay club for the first time (with my lesbian friend) i was being stared at alot (felt pretty uncomftable tbh) an kinda wish i wasn't in the closet then i could have enjoyed it if you know what i mean? Anyway i've been feeling an urge to just come out the closet lately as i'm sick of hiding who i am. Who should i tell first? I havent told my lesbian friend im gay (not told anyone) but i know she knows i am, an i think it winds her up that i don't just come out. And im pretty sure other people have an idea also. What do you guys think? Cheers icon_biggrin.gif
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    Sep 27, 2010 5:28 AM GMT
    Here's some advice coming from a guy not out of the closet.

    realize that it will only bring you more pain if you continue to hide your feelings/sexuality from others and yourself. At the same time, also consider your folks/friends/etc. and what kind of personalities they have... if you feel they have an accepting/non-judgmental one it might be best to come out to them.

    It's probably best to come out to friends/family who are in the same boat as you. Also, you probably don't want your family/friends hearing about it from others. It's best that they find out directly from you.

    Anyways, that's my 2 cents... and I wish you good luck.
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    Sep 27, 2010 7:53 AM GMT
    KickStarts saidHi i'm new, just wanted some advise. When i was younger i really did like girls but through high school i new i liked guys but i was to afraid to come out of the closet and i could never say the worlds "i'm gay" to myself in my head i guess i was in denial. But now i'm 20 and for the last year i guess i've kinda come to terms with my sexuality (My best friend being a lesbian might of helped with that lol) and now as the days go by, I kinda feel an urge to be with another guy and always think what things would be like if that was to happen. When i went to a gay club for the first time (with my lesbian friend) i was being stared at alot (felt pretty uncomftable tbh) an kinda wish i wasn't in the closet then i could have enjoyed it if you know what i mean? Anyway i've been feeling an urge to just come out the closet lately as i'm sick of hiding who i am. Who should i tell first? I havent told my lesbian friend im gay (not told anyone) but i know she knows i am, an i think it winds her up that i don't just come out. And im pretty sure other people have an idea also. What do you guys think? Cheers icon_biggrin.gif


    Hahaha Im in the same kind of situation you are in, but mines is worst -_-!
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    Sep 27, 2010 10:24 AM GMT
    Hey,

    Congrats on starting to come to terms with your sexuality. You'll likely get lots of good input from guys on here. But, being out of the closet is definitely the better choice - accept yourself, realize you're a normal guy, and live your life honestly and with integrity.

    If I can offer a couple pieces of advice:

    First - Be very careful and always engage in safer sex practices! Kids your age didn't live through the first years of HIV and how much it destroyed our community. Today, we have tragic reminders of how dangerous it still is:

    20% Gay Men: HIV-Positive – A recent report by the CDC has stated that nearly 20% of gay men in large cities are infected with HIV, but less than half of those people know it. The report stated that only 44% of homosexual men with HIV are aware that they are infected with the disease. This is an alarm statistic that shows that the battle in the United States against the spread of the disease is far from over, and could actually be worsening.

    http://www.washingtonblade.com/2010/09/24/nearly-one-in-five-gay-men-in-large-cities-has-hiv/

    Second - Don't let your sexuality be the only dimension of your personality. This site has a wonderfully-diverse representation of gay/bi guys. Don't assume that because you come out as gay or bi that you'll automatically 'change' into someone you're afraid of. Gay guys can be masculine, feminine, smart, funny, etc. Continue being who you are but accept and celebrate it.

    Third - Be thankful for your good friends, like your lesbian friend. They know you, think you're great, and will stick by you as you start your journey.

    Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 27, 2010 10:44 AM GMT
    I always thought when it comes to coming out, there are stages to it -

    1. Come out to yourself

    2. Come out to your friends

    3. Come out to your family

    4. Anyone else

    I think it's good you've ticked off the first stage, as in some ways that's the hardest one! When you grow up and you have these feelings you try to bury them and repress them because you don't want it to be true, but you know in your heart you are gay, and it takes a while to come to terms with that. For many (most?) gay guys, that's something that is even an on-going process throughout their lives.

    Next, when you come out to your friends it's best to do it to one or two close friends you know aren't going to blab, just so you are comfortable. Sounds like you have a friend who is going to be fine with it so that's a good start. When you feel more comfortable with the situation, start getting it out there - now might be a good time to tell someone you know WILL blab to the rest of your circle of friends, as it will get around to everyone quickly and it saves you the hassle of having to make some big announcement to each individual! Anyone that judges you or thinks any different of you after they find out, is not your friend and never was, so if you lose them from your life be thankful you found out now!

    Your family is a tricky one, everyone is in a different situation. I said nothing until it was basically impossible to not admit to it, and even though my mum had asked me a couple of times before and I denied it, I couldn't face lying any more so I admitted it. She then spoke to my dad about it, which I'm grateful for as although it was a bit cowardly, I just didn't know what to say. I then told my brother, and it slowly trickled through the rest of the family. Now everyone knows and I've not had any problems with it, even my grandparents, they all know and like my partner and we go to family occasions together.

    Like I said though, different for everyone. What you do find though (and I have heard this a lot) is that once you are out, you feel a big weight off your shoulders and you realise you probably should have done it sooner! Not to put any pressure on you though, you need to do it when you're ready, but hopefully you will have great friends and family who have no issue with it whatsoever and you will be much happier for being out than you have been hiding who you are.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 27, 2010 10:49 AM GMT
    Three words of advice:

    JUST DO IT!

    You'll be a happier person whatever the outcome.

    x
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:56 PM GMT
    Drama is for the theater, and not your personal life.
  • wellwell

    Posts: 2265

    Sep 27, 2010 2:58 PM GMT
    DO IT !!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 27, 2010 3:14 PM GMT
    COME OUT, COME OUT, BE PROUD!!!!!
    Your self respect is more important. Its your life to live, not theirs.
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    Sep 27, 2010 3:34 PM GMT
    I came out this weekend to ex-wife and my children.......I am over 50 and was so scared of their reactions.......they were ALL okay with it and even said they kinda knew.....I wasted all that energy and stress worrying for nothing........come out when you feel right, but do not fear others reactions...they will probably react way better then you think...if not, that is on them, their bad....good luck
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    Sep 27, 2010 6:18 PM GMT
    kinda wish my family found out when I was young so there's nothing to explain. It kinda snowballs as you get older. Oh dear god...
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Sep 27, 2010 6:24 PM GMT
    KickStarts saidHi i'm new, just wanted some advise. When i was younger i really did like girls but through high school i new i liked guys but i was to afraid to come out of the closet and i could never say the worlds "i'm gay" to myself in my head i guess i was in denial. But now i'm 20 and for the last year i guess i've kinda come to terms with my sexuality (My best friend being a lesbian might of helped with that lol) and now as the days go by, I kinda feel an urge to be with another guy and always think what things would be like if that was to happen. When i went to a gay club for the first time (with my lesbian friend) i was being stared at alot (felt pretty uncomftable tbh) an kinda wish i wasn't in the closet then i could have enjoyed it if you know what i mean? Anyway i've been feeling an urge to just come out the closet lately as i'm sick of hiding who i am. Who should i tell first? I havent told my lesbian friend im gay (not told anyone) but i know she knows i am, an i think it winds her up that i don't just come out. And im pretty sure other people have an idea also. What do you guys think? Cheers icon_biggrin.gif



    It's am extremely personal thing that is different for everyone depending on your upbringing, your family influence, friends, relationships and so many other factors. The coming out process can't, nor should it be rushed. You will come out in your own time when you feel emotionally ready. You'll know when it's time, and when you get there and finally do it you will likely realize you sweated it out more than most of those around you did.
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    Sep 27, 2010 6:29 PM GMT
    Hm... I just posted in an almost identical forum and immediately read this one, so I'll repost my response to them in here - hope it helps!


    joeb1986To me it sounds like a lot of people already may know, or at least suspect, that you are gay. That should make it easier to come out, giving you and your friends a sense of relief that it is out in the open finally. I, currently, am in the process of coming out... and it makes life a lot easier in some ways, but much more complicated in others. It's all about feeling comfortable enough with yourself and the relationships you have to be truthful about who you are. My situation was different from yours in that everyone I know had absolutely no idea that I was gay, so it was kind of hard knowing how they would react. So far it's all been good... people are shocked at first, then they are extremely happy that I am doing what makes me happy in life and able to be truthful with them about who I really am.

    Personally, I felt I would be living a lie. I hate lying, and when I started seeing guys it was hard to lie to everyone about where I was and who I was with. All the lies trying to cover up who you really are (and shouldn't be ashamed of in the first place) causes a lot of stress, and though coming out causes a lot of stress at times as well, I feel like a huge load is being lifted off of my shoulders and I am overall a happier person, both with myself and having stronger relationships with those people who are supportive of me.

    You also need to remember that it's not always 100% out or 100% in the closet... it's usually a process. You could start by telling your close family and/or friends who you feel comfortable with, so you at least have a support network and people to talk to through the process and the stresses that will come along with dating, then move on as you feel you're ready. Be careful who you choose though, as I found out, because some people will think they know what's best for you and just out you because they think it's the right thing to do and don't realize that it's not their life to control.

    Hope all the best for you in whatever you choose!
  • Geoedward

    Posts: 657

    Sep 27, 2010 6:29 PM GMT
    boston6 and NickFit said it the best. You will never truly be happy until you accept yourself, come out and live your life as the gay man you are. Always, yes always preactice safe sex, Please!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 28, 2010 3:07 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the replies lads. Some really great advice icon_smile.gif It's kinda weird because most of my teenage life i was completly in denial and about 2 months ago i said right...'I'm gay' to myself for the first time and it felt weird but right if you know what i mean?! And for some reason, over the last month or so, i've really excepted myself (especially the last few days) as a gay guy ...and ya know what i feel proud. And at this moment in time i've got this kind of frustraiting/exciting feeling in my stomach and feel like i wanna shout out from the roof tops that i'm gay LOL but at the same time i'm pretty nervous about telling people. I think i'll get there eventually =D
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 28, 2010 7:29 AM GMT
    KickStarts saidThanks for all the replies lads. Some really great advice icon_smile.gif It's kinda weird because most of my teenage life i was completly in denial and about 2 months ago i said right...'I'm gay' to myself for the first time and it felt weird but right if you know what i mean?! And for some reason, over the last month or so, i've really excepted myself (especially the last few days) as a gay guy ...and ya know what i feel proud. And at this moment in time i've got this kind of frustraiting/exciting feeling in my stomach and feel like i wanna shout out from the roof tops that i'm gay LOL but at the same time i'm pretty nervous about telling people. I think i'll get there eventually =D


    lol hahaha atleast you can say "I'm gay" I cant force those words out of my mouth unfortunately. Hope everything turns out great for you man good luck.icon_biggrin.gif
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Sep 28, 2010 7:43 AM GMT
    QuadraticEquation saidHere's some advice coming from a guy not out of the closet.

    realize that it will only bring you more pain if you continue to hide your feelings/sexuality from others and yourself. At the same time, also consider your folks/friends/etc. and what kind of personalities they have... if you feel they have an accepting/non-judgmental one it might be best to come out to them.

    It's probably best to come out to friends/family who are in the same boat as you. Also, you probably don't want your family/friends hearing about it from others. It's best that they find out directly from you.

    Anyways, that's my 2 cents... and I wish you good luck.



    FUCK THAT consider yourself only, I mean yeah they have to get over the shock but it's your life you're gay not them so come out so that they can love the real you