Should I come out of the closet or not?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 27, 2010 7:52 AM GMT
    Well the past few months I have been thinking about if I should come out or not. Its kinda difficult for me to tell people that im gay since I am in denial with myself. I'm 19 and most of my friends have suspected idea, since most of my friends are straight and are always questioning me about my sexuality. Well Ive come to coming out only with the help of some "dank" stuff and only admited to being bisexual and that really didnt turn out that well to some of my friends. I dont know, my best friend (who is straight) is sensitive to that topic since i guess he doesnt want to be known as the guy with a gay best friend and his girlfriend hates gay people. Also, I can remember past conversations with my mom and dad about gay rights and "what if situations" if i married the same sex and that did not turn out well. I dont know, through some of these situations and many others I find it better i should not come out at all till im like freaking 40 or 30 and live mylife like a straight person I guess. I dont know what to do with my situation since I have alot on the line and I just dont want to lose it all. Though im very happy with mylife they way it is, I find it kinda lonely sometimes since I cant date or do anything with my orientation. It makes it frustrating, but im not depress or anything... but it would be better if i kind enjoy being young and go out with anyone i like and not have to deal with these problems. So should I come out or not?
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    Sep 27, 2010 11:12 AM GMT
    Other than you no one else can answer this question for you.
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    Sep 27, 2010 1:00 PM GMT
    hidden_member91 saidI find it better i should not come out at all till im like freaking 40 or 30 and live mylife like a straight person I guess.


    If you want to live like a straight person until you're 30 or 40, go for it. Just don't drag a woman (and potential kids) into this. If I had been more courageous when I was your age, I could have avoided a lot of pain. Sometimes I think I wasted a lot of time. However, ultimately, it's your decision. Just be true to yourself.
  • pbaclifeguard

    Posts: 36

    Sep 27, 2010 1:01 PM GMT
    "Gay brothers and sisters You must come out. Come out to your parents I know that it is hard and will hurt them but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives come out to your friends if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors to your fellow workers to the people who work where you eat and shop come out only to the people you know, and who know you. Not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake. For the sake of the youngsters who are becoming scared by the votes from Dade to Eugene." - Harvey Milk
  • misternick

    Posts: 234

    Sep 27, 2010 1:29 PM GMT
    Definitely a tough decision to make, so I won't tell you what I think you should do, but hopefully you'll get some ideas from these responses that'll help you weigh the decision fairly. If one option seems to logically beat out the other, it's marginally easier to go with that one.

    A few things to consider:
    -If you choose to come out, you take control over people finding out about any leanings/tendencies/preferences you may have. You won't be worried about someone outing you.

    -Being young might mean you're not a great spot to become completely independent if the news is not well-received by family. Fortunately for me, I was almost out of college when I got outed so I was still able to graduate, but it would've been a big help to the wallet if I could have lived at home rent-free for a while.

    -MOST coming out stories I hear turn out to be pretty uneventful. I've heard a few where it was bad. But more often than not, guys I know have been shocked at how their friends and family surprised them with how supportive they were, even if their friends and family weren't happy for them.

    Deciding to come out, and doing it, is a huge leap. It's risky and requires a degree of conviction that some people just never have to know. For the guys that haven't come out, there are reasons. For the guys who have, it's an experience that they would not take back (at least, from the guys I know). It'll hurt some people at first. I agree with Andreas' advice, whole-heartedly.

    No matter what, you've got guys on here and probably close to you in person who are willing to listen. I really wish you the best luck.
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:03 PM GMT
    hidden_member91 saidWell the past few months I have been thinking about if I should come out or not. Its kinda difficult for me to tell people that im gay since I am in denial with myself. I'm 19 and most of my friends have suspected idea, since most of my friends are straight and are always questioning me about my sexuality. Well Ive come to coming out only with the help of some "dank" stuff and only admited to being bisexual and that really didnt turn out that well to some of my friends. I dont know, my best friend (who is straight) is sensitive to that topic since i guess he doesnt want to be known as the guy with a gay best friend and his girlfriend hates gay people. Also, I can remember past conversations with my mom and dad about gay rights and "what if situations" if i married the same sex and that did not turn out well. I dont know, through some of these situations and many others I find it better i should not come out at all till im like freaking 40 or 30 and live mylife like a straight person I guess. I dont know what to do with my situation since I have alot on the line and I just dont want to lose it all. Though im very happy with mylife they way it is, I find it kinda lonely sometimes since I cant date or do anything with my orientation. It makes it frustrating, but im not depress or anything... but it would be better if i kind enjoy being young and go out with anyone i like and not have to deal with these problems. So should I come out or not?


    Tough times friend. I truly feel for you, but at least your aware that you are denying your self the right to %110 happiness. You say in what part " I don"t know what to do with my situation since I have a lot on the line and I just don"t want to lose it all." From my outside opinion, sounds like you might have already lost it all by living in a controlled situation. Some parent's try to manipulate situations with money. A possible alternative might be to find a job or two and make your own life as you see fit. It might be very difficult and lonely for a while, but at least you will have self respect and love.

    Now for your friend who isn't comfortable with you being Bi/Gay, he isn't your best friend dude. Best friends don't put limitations on friendship. He just want's to like the part of you that he is comfortable with. Ask your self " Do I put limitations on my friends?" If you answered"No", then you are a great friend!!

    You can only know when you are ready to come out or stay, but having your sanity and self love and respect it a HUGE part of life regardless of gender/race/sexual identity.

    You are stronger then you think!icon_idea.gificon_wink.gif
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:37 PM GMT
    Come out and join the party man....icon_lol.gif

    Don't waste your life worrying and thinking and dreading and looking over your shoulder...
    You don't have to parade your sexual preference down the main gay drag....just be....

    Your so called 'Friends' sound REALLY judgemental. Why would you hang with these people? Are these people paying your rent or do they make major decisions for you? Do they pay your bills?
    Have fun and be while you are young.icon_twisted.gif

    When I was your age, I was in the Marine Corps, I took college classes when I could afford them,I had a beat up motorcycle, a little hole in the wall apartment off the beach, a little job on the base and SEX up to my ears morning, noon and night.icon_twisted.gif

    Now that I am older, I have a good life, a giant house, I drive a slick car, I have hot boyfriends on my speed dial and money to burn...sure, there are people that scream 'FAG' at me but, I just go inside my giant house and drive around my cool car and go shopping at the Galleria....
    icon_lol.gif

    DON'T WASTE YOUR YOUTH worrying about what people think. No one is promised another day....and NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE!!!!

    Do you really want to be one of these 50 year old men that come out and look stupid trying to hang out out bars and popping Viagra?

    DON'T WASTE the time you have, be yourself. LIFE IS SHORT!!!

    Enjoy it, It is a blast.......icon_biggrin.gif
  • rioriz

    Posts: 1056

    Sep 27, 2010 2:42 PM GMT
    the only advice I can give is to comeout when you feel it is most adventageous. Do not feel pressured to do it unless you want to. Some people like to come out to everyone right away or just once person at a time. Let us know how it goes!
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    Sep 27, 2010 2:48 PM GMT
    Such a cliche thing for me to say but, If your friends don't accept you for who you are, then they're not really your friends. If your "best friend" defines you based on sexuality (since he wouldn't want to be known as a gay guy's best friend), then there's a problem with him to begin with.

    I came out when i was 22 and regret i didn't come out earlier. College could have been a good time being out.

    As for your family, once it's their child, opinions tend to change. My grandmother told me once that gays are below animals since even animals have hetero sex. And that woman accepted me from the moment i came out. I

    It's your call, the fears you need to conquer, but you won't regret it in the long run.
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    Sep 27, 2010 5:35 PM GMT
    hidden_member91 saidWell the past few months I have been thinking about if I should come out or not. Its kinda difficult for me to tell people that im gay since I am in denial with myself. I'm 19 and most of my friends have suspected idea, since most of my friends are straight and are always questioning me about my sexuality. Well Ive come to coming out only with the help of some "dank" stuff and only admited to being bisexual and that really didnt turn out that well to some of my friends. I dont know, my best friend (who is straight) is sensitive to that topic since i guess he doesnt want to be known as the guy with a gay best friend and his girlfriend hates gay people. Also, I can remember past conversations with my mom and dad about gay rights and "what if situations" if i married the same sex and that did not turn out well. I dont know, through some of these situations and many others I find it better i should not come out at all till im like freaking 40 or 30 and live mylife like a straight person I guess. I dont know what to do with my situation since I have alot on the line and I just dont want to lose it all. Though im very happy with mylife they way it is, I find it kinda lonely sometimes since I cant date or do anything with my orientation. It makes it frustrating, but im not depress or anything... but it would be better if i kind enjoy being young and go out with anyone i like and not have to deal with these problems. So should I come out or not?


    Of course you should come out. It's just sexuality. Save the drama for the theater. You'll like yourself better, and others will, too, once you get some integrity. There's no respect for folks who live a lie, lie to others, etc. If your best friend is a bigot then, get rid of him. That's no kind of friend to have. No wonder you're screwed up. Chances, are though, your friend may not be as bigoted as you portray him and he'll grow up, too. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, and, YOU can chose whether, or not, to live it as a low life closet case, or a person with virtue and integrity. It's a no-brainer. YOUR WORST ENEMY IS YOU.
  • Geoedward

    Posts: 657

    Sep 27, 2010 6:08 PM GMT
    You should do what is right for you. I strongly agree with Andreas73. You know you are gay. Do not date girls to prove something to you family and friends. It is not fare to them. I dated girls from when I was 16 until I was 21. Of course I was dated guys secretly as well. I am gay. I dated the girls trying to convince myself I wasn't gay, but mainly to be what my family and friends expected of me. The thing is I hurt a lot of girls and myself because I wasn’t happy and I wasn't allowing them their chance at being happy. It was so unfair of me to date these girls, making them think that would have a relationship or even marriage with me. I was engaged to while I was in the Air Force. The girl I was dating at the time thought she was pregnant. We set the date all plans were made. We learned she wasn't pregnant but it was too late to back out. I didn't want to hurt her and I believed I could make the lie work. About 2 months before the wedding, I met a guy that opened my eyes and made me realize what a mistake I was making and how I would destroy her life if I went thorough with it. I sat her down and told her that I couldn't marry her. She cried and asked me why. I couldn't lie to her anymore. I took a chance and I told her the truth. I told her that I am gay. She cried terribly and smacked the shit out of me. She wouldn't talk to me for about 3 months. She never reported me or I would have been dishonorably discharged. About 4 months later she came to me and thanked me for being honest and not waiting until after we were married and possible had kids. My point is whatever you do weigh out your options. If you are not at a point in your life where if it turns out bad and you cannot support yourself and you have no ware to go, I would wait. If you are able to support yourself I would go for it. Do what is best for you as long as you are not lying to yourself or to some un-suspecting young lady. Hope this helps. It is a hard decision but it is one you must make on your own.
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    Sep 27, 2010 6:11 PM GMT
    I'm feeling it's time for me to come out very soon. I'm dating a guy but I'm still not opposed to having a family and kids. This is giving me a headache. icon_mad.gif
  • davidnta

    Posts: 86

    Sep 27, 2010 6:15 PM GMT
    My only advice for you is that it's hard to come out at first, and it'll get better as time passes.

    By coming out, you can help not only yourself but the community because those who hold prejudicial thoughts about LGBTQ people will have to reevaluate their views, and because they have known you for some time and one considers you his best friend, they would have to change their view or dump you. Chances are that they'll have difficult questions and they'll be confused about their own beliefs, but it's a good thing to challenge them like this.

    It's always difficult at first, but better for you in the end. But the decision is up to you. I'm sure there are plenty of people who can testify that their relationship has grown stronger (and some who will say that their relationship broke a part).

    Good luck!
  • Geoedward

    Posts: 657

    Sep 27, 2010 6:15 PM GMT
    You don't need to be straight or pretend straight to have kids and a family. Once you meet the right man you can adopt. There are so many beautiful kids waiting for someone to love them and give them a home and a family
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    Sep 27, 2010 6:21 PM GMT
    If only there wasn't a thing such as "straight" and "gay", and people could just get partnered regardless of sex. Man, this wouldn't be an issue.
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    Sep 27, 2010 6:26 PM GMT
    To me it sounds like a lot of people already may know, or at least suspect, that you are gay. That should make it easier to come out, giving you and your friends a sense of relief that it is out in the open finally. I, currently, am in the process of coming out... and it makes life a lot easier in some ways, but much more complicated in others. It's all about feeling comfortable enough with yourself and the relationships you have to be truthful about who you are. My situation was different from yours in that everyone I know had absolutely no idea that I was gay, so it was kind of hard knowing how they would react. So far it's all been good... people are shocked at first, then they are extremely happy that I am doing what makes me happy in life and able to be truthful with them about who I really am.

    Personally, I felt I would be living a lie. I hate lying, and when I started seeing guys it was hard to lie to everyone about where I was and who I was with. All the lies trying to cover up who you really are (and shouldn't be ashamed of in the first place) causes a lot of stress, and though coming out causes a lot of stress at times as well, I feel like a huge load is being lifted off of my shoulders and I am overall a happier person, both with myself and having stronger relationships with those people who are supportive of me.

    You also need to remember that it's not always 100% out or 100% in the closet... it's usually a process. You could start by telling your close family and/or friends who you feel comfortable with, so you at least have a support network and people to talk to through the process and the stresses that will come along with dating, then move on as you feel you're ready. Be careful who you choose though, as I found out, because some people will think they know what's best for you and just out you because they think it's the right thing to do and don't realize that it's not their life to control.

    Hope all the best for you in whatever you choose!
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    Sep 27, 2010 6:38 PM GMT
    Yes. You should come out. Life will always have its hard and difficult parts. Don't complicate it by (feeling the unnecessarily burdensome and deceptive weight of) being closeted.

    Are you a good person? Are you a decent and respectable person? Do you respect yourself and expect others to respect you?

    Society is far from perfect. It has, too often, (amongst other things) made gay people perpetuate that self degrading stigma which straight people use to justify their hatred and dislike of gays.

    Liberate and accept yourself as a gay human being. Like yourself because you are a good, decent and respectable person. The fact that you're gay is just part of you. Let others see the various shades of humanity that make someone human. Respect and admiration of you will have nothing to do with your being gay but how you project and carry yourself in life.
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    Sep 27, 2010 6:52 PM GMT
    Thanks for all your support guys, but I dont know... its hard for me to grip this situation and tell people. I dont know, every time I'm about to say those words, "Im gay" it can never come out of my mouth since I always think of some kind of catastrophic event that would take place in my head. Its kinda tough for me to say those words I think since I dont want to come out and be labeled by people and be judge. Maybe I dont want to come out is because I dont like the notion of everyone knowing im gay through others. Its just hard for me since most of the gay people i know are flamboyant and I dont want to come out and people thinking im some flamboyant queen. There is like a million events in my head that Ive played this scenario out when I told someone and something bad happened. I dont know I thinks it is mostly in my head, or Ive just trained myself to think straight too much I cant grasp with my own denial of my sexuality. I do want to come out so I can finally enjoy another side of my life that Ive been suppressing, but it seems so harder than it seems. Well to answer you question about my best friend, Ive known him since middle school and we been really good friends. Ive told him once I was bi sexual and he didnt take it that well since I guess in his mind he always wanted a straight friend that got married and have children so we can tell them about our stupid retarded stories. I know you guys think he is not a true friend if he cant accept me for what I am, but I know how he might be feeling if I did came out. I dont know, I wish I had more gay friends, well actually gay friends than acquaintances that I can hang out and tell them about my situation. Ive been thinking about moving out next year when I transfer to Cal State SF and coming out after I get my BA. So my parents will be happy that I got a degree and I am doing something with my life. And then maybe I could come out then and there. But still I dont know since my parents come from background that dont take to being gay as a good thing. I cant come out to my relatives ever, since they are bunch of shit trashing talking queens all my 200 relatives so that is not a choice I can take. Thanks again for all your help, hopefully this might give alittle push I need and help me come out and finally enjoy my youth!
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    Sep 27, 2010 7:32 PM GMT
    hidden_member91 saidI cant come out to my relatives ever, since they are bunch of shit trashing talking queens all my 200 relatives so that is not a choice I can take.


    icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

    Sounds rough dude. Goodluck!
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    Sep 27, 2010 7:32 PM GMT
    Like others have said, only you can make that decision, but I can tell you that as hard as it is, it is also one of the most liberating exerpiences you will ever have. All the people I know that are out, no matter how old they were when they came out, wish they had done it sooner, including me and I came out at 20-21.

    Your "friends" don't sound like great people to me. The nice thing about being out is that you know your friends truly like you for you, and not the sex of the people you date.

    Good luck!
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    Sep 27, 2010 7:35 PM GMT
    i remember when i came out to my parents, well.. it was more of a dragged out than a coming out lol, but they were very understanding, they are hardcore catholics, who would sometimes say things that made me close the "closet" door back up again when i had a thought of coming out.. but now.. theyre more aware of what they say lol.

    Goodluck man, i hope everything turns out how you want it icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 27, 2010 8:18 PM GMT
    Coming out doesn't necessarily mean that you have to bluntly blurt out that you're gay. It can be a healthy gradual process. You live your life and someone might say: "bla bla bla, what are you, gay?!" .. To which you respond calmly and matter-of factly, "Yes. I am gay." and go back to your business. If that person pursues it you discuss it calmly and reasonably. Word will get around. Another scenario- You date a guy and your parents mention it, you say you're dating him. Presto- they know you're OK with being gay... In life lots of things can lead to you coming out as a process. Again, word gets around.

    Be cool with it and everyone will see that gay people are our friends and neighbor, teachers and doctors, and everything else. Even those who we really like and would least expect are possibly gay. Does it really matter? No. It's been taken out of proportion to distract people from real problems.

    If your relatives trash gay people, think about it. Are your relatives: 1) acting out of being misinformed?, 2) trash themselves? 3) not worthy of you caring and respecting their opinion?
    You have to live your life, your 200 relatives won't smooth things out for you all the time even if you were straight.

    There are dozens of shades of a color, the same with the characteristics of gay men and people who trash them. Think about it, fear may well be [is] your worst enemy. See things for what they are. Liberate yourself and let your life flourish.

    People are always labeled. Please make sure that you make yourself appropriately labeled: "Got Integrity?!"
  • Geoedward

    Posts: 657

    Sep 27, 2010 8:26 PM GMT
    BuddyinNYC - Very well said.
  • GmniPete

    Posts: 26

    Sep 27, 2010 9:48 PM GMT
    It sounds like if you come out at this stage in your life, it might be difficult for you (from what you said about your family and "friends"). I'll say this...You should only come out for you. Not anyone else. I came out at 25, this was after I decided that I was done wondering who would accept me if I came out and I have a family that most did not judge me (well, not to my face). And the ones that were hurt by it, told me they still loved me and dealt with their hurt on their own. Only after a while telling me how it affected them when I told them. And I do know that it's not the same for alot of people, so take your time, but like some have stated, don't build a "for now" life, that could get complicated. I wish you the best.
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    Sep 27, 2010 9:58 PM GMT
    Take it from me. Come out when you're truly ready and not a second beforehand.

    And Buddy is very right. Coming out does NOT mean that you have to run around telling everyone that you're gay. In order to be happy, you have to be honest with yourself. Just make sure you're not doing this fit into some group of people or because guys won't date you because you're not out. As far as your friends go, if they question your sexuality because of the way you act, you need to talk to them and ask them why they're talking to you like that.

    If you're too nervous about this whole thing, wait until you're comfortable. I didn't come out to mom until I was 21. And I'm glad I choose to wait because it would have been rough on me if I didn't. This should be about what makes you happy; screw what anyone else thinks or says.