Boyfriend vs. Best friend issues! What to do?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2010 11:27 AM GMT
    Hello Everyone!

    I love my boyfriend very much. He’s a nice, kind and caring guy. However, I also love (not in a romantic way) my best friend because he’s funny, smart and nice as well. I’ve known both guys for about the same time but didn’t start dating my boyfriend until later. My boyfriend and I have been together for two months. About two weeks ago, my boyfriend bought me a phone on his family plan. When I told my best friend about the new phone, he told me it was too soon and it wasn’t a good ideal to take the phone (especially when the phone plan I had prior was better). In addition, my best friend told me that my boyfriend only got me the phone so he could keep tabs on me and read my text messages.

    Well here’s the problem. A couple days ago, my boyfriend went through my phone (the phone he bought me) and started reading my text messages. Now although I have nothing to hide, a lot of the texts are between me and my best friend. A few of the texts say “I love you” (in a plutonic way of course). In addition since me and my best friend don’t really get a chance to talk on the phone everyday, some of messages are about things only best friends share with each other like: relationship stuff, etc.

    Even though I told my boyfriend nothing is going on between me and my best friend, my boyfriend is upset and maybe a bit jealous of my relationship with my best friend. I told my best friend about this and he feels like the best thing he can do is step away and move on because he doesn’t want to get in-between me and my boyfriend’s relationship and hurt me. However I don’t want that. I really value me and my best friend’s relationship, he is my confidante and I do not want to lose him. I think if my best friend move out of my life because of this, I would kind of resent my boyfriend. Can you guys provide me with some sound advice please?

    Thanks
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2010 11:39 AM GMT
    I think your boyfriend has breached your trust massively by reading your messages. Everyone shares things with friends about their relationship that they might not want their partner to read/hear, so I think he's also being very immature by reacting the way he has.

    If I were you I would sit down with him and explain that you are not impressed with his behaviour and expect an apology from him for reading your messages, and a promise it will never happen again. Then explain that he has absolutely no need to feel threatened by your relationship with your best friend as it's only a friendship and if he can't see that then you are forcing him to choose, which puts you in a very unfair situation. If he really cared about you he would not want that, and he will soon see that he has nothing to worry about.

    If he's not mature enough to handle this situation, which is really nothing to be getting worked up about, then I'm afraid to say you would be better off without him and find another boyfriend!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2010 12:47 PM GMT
    Did he ask you if he could check out your messages? Or did he just feel it is his right to check them out because he bought you the phone?

    I dont think he trusts you at all. Which is a problem.

    You seem to be able to communicate well with your Best friend but cannot with your boyfriend... Is it the amount of time equal between the two?

    You and the BF need to talk more.. get to the bottom of the problem and then figure out if it is worth staying together or not.. It's only been two months.. So work it out! =)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2010 2:09 PM GMT
    Time for this BF to go.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2010 5:21 PM GMT
    Are you crazy? Your "boyfriend" is mental if he feels entitled to invade your privacy. You trust somebody or you don't. There is no room to move there. Your friend has given you only good advice. I know you can't always find love around the corner, but your boyfriend sounds like a codependent type with boundary issues.

    Lose him. Keep the friend. Even if it's not what you want to hear, his advice sounds consistently spot on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2010 7:53 PM GMT
    you say your best friend is your confidante? i think you have this a little backwards. Your boyfriend should be your best friend and confidante. You shouldn't be sharing anything that happens between you and your bf with anybody except your bf.

    yes the nosiness is another issue, but give yourself a reality check and make a decision. Your bf is either that or a fuck buddy. Sounds like you should maybe be with your best friend. I'm offering this as a brother so don't get pissed, it's just 'give your fukken head a shake'......Keithicon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 04, 2010 6:39 AM GMT
    i dated a guy once who had a best gay friend that was always around. it didn't work out....i felt like in many ways the guy i was dating was already taken. he already had an emotional connection even if there was no sex...i mean they talked several times a day, were always hanging out. plus the best friend was always saying negative things to me...and in general being rude. the best friend acted so jealous and possessive of the guy i was dating...it was crazy
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 04, 2010 7:24 AM GMT
    I say talk tot he BF and let him know how you feel about his jealousy issue and then tell him that your best friend is just that...a best friend and nothing more. Nip it in the bud before it gets to the point where you have choose between the two. I have a feeling the BF would lose if it ever came down to that simply because he has issues.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 04, 2010 9:44 AM GMT
    josephga saidTime for this BF to go.
    Cosigned...
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Oct 04, 2010 10:56 AM GMT
    Dude, good friends are for life, and bf? Is he your first? I don't think so...You go figure...
  • 4travel

    Posts: 77

    Oct 04, 2010 11:08 AM GMT
    vetteset saidyou say your best friend is your confidante? i think you have this a little backwards. Your boyfriend should be your best friend and confidante. You shouldn't be sharing anything that happens between you and your bf with anybody except your bf.

    it's just 'give your fukken head a shake'......Keithicon_cool.gif


    Uhhhh wrong!!! They have been dating for just two months. Under your theory, you shouldn't have a best friend? Or perhaps as BFs come and go you should just ditch your best friend and beg his forgiveness if(when) you break up with each bf? The road to Mr right has quite a few Mr wrongs and you will need your best friend there to support you.

    I say a lot of stuff to my best friend that, if taken out of context would piss of a spying BF. Oh and We have been great friends for 12 years and never once has any hint of romance ever happened. I say "I love you" with my best friend all the time, he is closer to me than my family and he has toughed through a couple of my longer term(over 2 years minimum) relationships.

    Your best friend is trying to be the better man by wanting to step away, but you need to be the better man and resolve this by confronting Mr Spy, communicating with him and hope that it goes well.

    tc
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 04, 2010 11:51 AM GMT
    bros before hoes...at least 90% of the time.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Oct 04, 2010 2:45 PM GMT
    josephga saidTime for this BF to go.
    yup!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 04, 2010 2:58 PM GMT
    Just wait till the bf reads what your realjock friends are saying - it will be bye bye realjock. Slowly the ropes will tighten and you will truly be all his.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 04, 2010 3:08 PM GMT
    Franko85 saidbros before hoes...at least 90% of the time.


    Ditto!
    Either way, you really have to talk to the bf before you end ip locked in a cage in his basement. Oh yeah, start listening to your friends advise!
  • hotinri

    Posts: 34

    Oct 04, 2010 7:35 PM GMT
    yes get rid of the bf go for someone who will respect u for what u r & what u want in return. i bet u will find that special bf he maybe out therein the world or rightin front of u. don't beafraid to let him know how u feel. take the bulol by his horns. your in charge of your life if u wanted a bitch u would have gone out with a girl. now take your balls & show him whos boss.
  • 4travel

    Posts: 77

    Oct 04, 2010 7:42 PM GMT
    Don't get rid of the bf, try to save this....BUT not at the expense of the best friend
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 04, 2010 7:59 PM GMT
    I really like your writing style, very easy to follow and detailed enough to cover all the bases.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 04, 2010 8:12 PM GMT
    Two months and he offered you a phone? And you took it? WHY?!?!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 04, 2010 8:15 PM GMT
    josephga saidTime for this BF to go.

    Agree. (To the OP): Your best friend is well named by you, and I think has the correct view of this. Keep the one, dump the other. Along with his family-plan cell phone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 04, 2010 8:18 PM GMT
    First of all I would give him back his phone or got back to my old plan which was better. Secondly I would tell him in the most loving way to: Get "OVER YOURSELF",and if you do this again we're done. My best best friend of almost 20 years knows things about me that I only feel safe and comfortable telling because I know he will never judge me and bf's can be judgmental if they don't like what the hear and like someone wrote what you say to a bf can be taken out of context in the heat of the moment when you are venting to your bf friend.

    Don't allow your self to be put in a position inwhich you would have to chose!
    Because nobody wins.,
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 04, 2010 8:35 PM GMT
    vetteset saidyou say your best friend is your confidante? i think you have this a little backwards. Your boyfriend should be your best friend and confidante. You shouldn't be sharing anything that happens between you and your bf with anybody except your bf.

    yes the nosiness is another issue, but give yourself a reality check and make a decision. Your bf is either that or a fuck buddy. Sounds like you should maybe be with your best friend. I'm offering this as a brother so don't get pissed, it's just 'give your fukken head a shake'......Keithicon_cool.gif


    Sorry i disagree, best friends are usually the confidante for boyfriend problems, another reason many gay men have female best friends
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 04, 2010 8:35 PM GMT
    Im sorry man, the boyfriend is clearly out of line here
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 04, 2010 9:16 PM GMT
    A lot of folks are the same way with the significant other V.S. friend issue you're having. Sometimes you need something a lover can't provide for you. And obviously there are things a friend just can't satisfy. If you really feel for this guy.. then don't be SO quick to just cut him out. Everybody has problems.. successful couples work through them.

    Just because you're dating someone doesn't mean they have to be involved in every aspect of your life. But understand there are some things about your best friend he might not be comfortable with. Good example is the saying 'I love you'. A lot of people I know view that as a very private, intimate thing to say, and feel it should be reserved for family, and their partner only. Other people get drunk and say it to complete strangers.

    Going through your phone is shitty. And I would veto that family plan idea for sure, after his crossing that line so soon. It's perfectly fine for you to keep your own phone, dude. Give him his back, say thanks but no thanks, and put your foot down that his actions aren't acceptable. You don't have to be angry, or mean about it... but you can be a MAN about it.

    One thing I would be careful of.. is turning this into drama between your best friend and your boyfriend. I wouldn't let them get a hold of each other if this got messy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 04, 2010 9:24 PM GMT
    It will all get better as soon as you move on to the 9th grade.