Needing some advice.... I know it's crazy to ask for it here.

  • gsh1964

    Posts: 388

    Oct 01, 2010 12:55 AM GMT
    Here's my deal:

    I have not been very succesful with the affairs of the gay heart.
    I start dating someone and within 6 weeks, we usually go our separate ways.
    I think it's mostly me chosing the wrong guys to go out with or I'm not doing something right.

    So here's my delema:

    There is a guy that I know is interested in me and I'm interested in him... he is somewhat a public figure in our city.
    My problem is that I don't want to fuck this up. We have talked about going out, but his schedule is pretty hectic.. so he has to make the call on when we go out.

    What do I do?

    I need serious advice here... please.
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    Oct 01, 2010 1:01 AM GMT
    Is the public figure dude open, or closeted?
    If it's the latter, the relationship is already doomed before it ever begins.
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    Oct 01, 2010 1:02 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidIs the public figure dude open, or closeted?
    If it's the latter, the relationship is already doomed before it ever begins.


    Couldn't agree more...
  • gsh1964

    Posts: 388

    Oct 01, 2010 1:03 AM GMT
    He's out... not in the closet.
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    Oct 01, 2010 1:06 AM GMT
    gsh1964 saidHe's out... not in the closet.
    Awesome! First, tell him I said "congrats" on being open as a public figure. That's rare. icon_biggrin.gif
    Being familiar with a hectic/unpredictable schedule myself, I think your best bet is to just go with the flow and let him call the shots on the dating schedule. Just be as patient as possible without seeming clingy, and things should work out just fine.
  • gsh1964

    Posts: 388

    Oct 01, 2010 1:10 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    gsh1964 saidHe's out... not in the closet.
    Awesome! First, tell him I said "congrats" on being open as a public figure. That's rare. icon_biggrin.gif
    Being familiar with a hectic/unpredictable schedule myself, I think your best bet is to just go with the flow and let him call the shots on the dating schedule. Just be as patient as possible without seeming clingy, and things should work out just fine.


    Cool, thanks, that's good advice.

    It's kinda tough, with him being in the pubic eye, I don't want to look like a stalker either, ya know?

    I'm actually not in a hurry either.... just don't want to fuck things up.
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    Oct 01, 2010 1:41 AM GMT
    i would be more like "so you have a schedule and a reputation and a crush on me? then i guess you'll have to work extra hard to work all that out -- just don't expect me to put up with any bs -- thats not what i'm about."
    seriousely,if you start out making allowances for his issues now, it'll never stop.
    icon_evil.gif
    good luck.
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    Oct 01, 2010 3:16 AM GMT
    If this guy wants to make it work then he'll make the time to see you. Simple as that. You are over one serious hurdle since he is openly gay so that is a bonus. Now you just have to contend with his busy schedule.

    Stick it out if you think he's worth it but don't sit on the sidelines waiting and wasting your time. You know what's best for you.
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    Oct 01, 2010 4:06 AM GMT
    Enjoy whatever time you get to share and let your relationship flourish. Be you and if appreciated...... No bigger compliment could be given.
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    Oct 01, 2010 4:11 AM GMT
    don't overcompensate, take your time and make sure the road is the right one. just be yourself, relax and take it as it unfolds. You're looking at him, not his position....you'll be fine....good luck....keithicon_cool.gif (obviously my experience is coming from the past, not the present, right guys??:winkicon_smile.gif
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    Oct 01, 2010 4:12 AM GMT
    If you don't want to mess things up, try to take a look at why past relationships have failed. By that I mean taking a hard, honest look at yourself, and not blaming it on the people you go out with because oftentimes picking the wrong guys has a lot to do with US ourselves. I'm sure you probably already know that.

    I think going with the flow is the best advice given, there is a healthy balance when there is an mutual interest but that balance can easily be shifted.
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    Oct 01, 2010 4:13 AM GMT
    I say go for it with all your heart.

    Know that he is limited by his job, and never hold that against him.

    Focus on what you have, not what the two of you do not have.

    Good luck...and if that doesn't work out....have you ever considered Idaho?...'cause if he doesn't bend over backwards to make it work with you too...he's an idiot.
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    Oct 01, 2010 4:14 AM GMT
    LOVALOT saidyou've said nothing about what it is that you're looking for or what you would like to get out of this. if you wanna be the angelina to his brad, chances are that it may be very slim unless you've been with the man for like a minimum of 5 years. secondly, with a hectic schedule, it will bring up insecurities whether u like it or not, it's just a given. you'll never know where he's at, won't be able to talk to him at the drop of a hat, people always say they're cool with stuff like that and later down the road, it turns out different. what do u want out of a relationship or out of dating a man in a position like that?

    no one can give u advice let alone, good advice if you've given us nothing to work with.
    So...fucking...true.
    But if you wanna get even with him, go into aviation. You'll be gone more than him. icon_lol.gif
  • Desmondlug

    Posts: 92

    Oct 01, 2010 5:26 AM GMT
    Yeah just let him call the shots. I am in the same situation, interested in a man he works in the medical field and stays busy often. i usually let him call the shots, I don't text him often i let him do it all. Its frustrating and hard but patience pays off and you never wanna look desperate or look like a stalker.
  • PipHop

    Posts: 439

    Oct 01, 2010 5:34 AM GMT
    What was it that happened that made your previous experiences end? If it was the same thing over and over, that's something you need to address before starting anything with a new guy. Realize that you are the common denominator in all of your relationships and that to change the outcome you must change the input, namely yourself.

    Just be truthful with him and yourself about what you expect, love, like, need, etc. Ask that he be the same and go from there. If you both are mature, honest and caring, even if it doesn't work out (knock on wood), you can still be friends afterward. Good luck icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 01, 2010 6:29 AM GMT
    Long winded response below, but you sound like you really want some help with this one.

    I'll answer as one of those guys whose schedule is very hectic. First, I would figure out if his schedule truly is hectic, or if this is some type of excuse that he uses to not become engaged in a relationship.

    If his schedule truly is hectic, understand that his management of a hectic schedule is a matter of priorities. The key is to insure that you are both prioritizing the relationship equally. Setting aside love-at-first-sight, it is often the case that cultivating a new relationship, no matter how interested he may be in the relationship, is less of a priority than the obligations of managing work, his obligations to the public and other obligations that currently are a priority for him. There are only 24 hours in a day and some guys, based upon the obligations and priorities that they have taken on and their commitment to honor those obligations, have 23 of those hours filled. The fact that his obligations are to the public at large, leave him even less discretion to modify their importance in this life right now. The public is a jealous mistress. You'll need to get comfortable with that.

    However, as you spend time together, though limited, if there is mutual interest there, your particular relationship starts to become prioritized. As more time is spent, and if your interest grows, the relationship starts to take precedence over other obligations that were more important to him than starting a new relationship, but which are less important than maintaining one in which there is some established mutual interest.

    Ideally, this continues until you and he have prioritized your relationship equally. Through that process, the time available for the relationship should be in sync. Of course, this is a very long process that requires patience from both of you. The fact that the relationship endured through the process and became important to him and to you provides stability to the relationship that may lead to something long term. It may be the case that in the past relationships that you describe, you both did not equally prioritize the relationship (you were his #1, he was your #5) or you both forced being each other's #1 priority for the short term, which was not sustainable when the practicalities of other priorities came into play.

    I'd suggest letting this guy know that you are interested and giving him plenty of space and time for you two to get to know each other, cultivate the relationship and match your interests and the importance of the relationship relative to other obligations. In the beginning, efforts that tie into his schedule, but which do not demand a lot of time go a long way - drop off lunch on a particularly busy day for him, but don't hang around to chat. Don't do it more than once. He'll call you when he gets clear. Plan to work out together when he would otherwise work out - then let him, and you, get back to work.

    Nothing is more attractive to me than a guy who is equally busy and engaged with his family, friends and the community, understands what its like to be hectic and initially has priorities other than me. Nothing is less attractive than the opposite or someone who wants me to place our new relationship at a relatively high priority. Since he is a public figure, he may be even MORE cautious to move into a new relationship quickly. I think that you need to be in for a long haul with this one, but it sounds like it has promise, particularly if he is an out public figure - huge kudos to him.

    All that having been said, it also has to be said that you are one of the best looking and most genuine guys on this site. It would be a red flag to me if you showed interest in this guy and he did not in short order clear some time to start this process with you. Being genuinely busy is one thing - not having the brains to return the interest of a great guy when he's standing in front of you - is another.

    All the best.
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    Oct 01, 2010 6:54 AM GMT
    evilgemini saidi would be more like "so you have a schedule and a reputation and a crush on me? then i guess you'll have to work extra hard to work all that out -- just don't expect me to put up with any bs -- thats not what i'm about."
    seriousely,if you start out making allowances for his issues now, it'll never stop.
    icon_evil.gif
    good luck.


    I wouldn´t be quite as brusque, but I would tell him that I really liked him and wanted the friendship to have the best chance of working out, that I understood that he was busy BUT that, if this was going to happen, he would have to make an effort and that I wasn´t going to be on hold permanently waiting for him to call and made to feel clingy or demanding for wanting to speak to him and see him.
  • gsh1964

    Posts: 388

    Oct 01, 2010 1:29 PM GMT
    Wow!!! Guys, thanks so much for the awesome adivce.

    I will take it all into account and use it to make the right decison.

    All my best,
    OXOX
    Greg
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    Oct 01, 2010 2:25 PM GMT
    gsh1964 said
    I'm actually not in a hurry either.... just don't want to fuck things up.


    If you're worried about fucking things up, you most likely will fuck things up.
    icon_lol.gif