Speaking of suicide.

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    Oct 03, 2010 4:44 PM GMT
    Another morbid topic from me, but i tend to think they have a pertinent bearing on us as gay men.

    With these horrible deaths making the news lately, it is not only an epidemic among teens but i have to wonder how many, like the Rutger and Texas Suicides, are gay related.


    So here's the topic....: How many of you have thought of suicide and why?

    When I was a policeman, I remember on two occasions sitting on the side of my bed with my service weapon in my mouth. I look back and thank my Creator that for whatever reason, I didn't pull the trigger. The sun shines much brighter for me now. I look back with a clearer mind and realize many of my problems were related to my suppressed sexuality.

    NOTICE TO ALL WHO WANT TO JUDGE US: STAY THE FUCK OFF MY THREAD, THIS IS FOR GUYS WHO WANT TO SHARE ONLY, NOT OPEN THEMSELVES UP TO SELF RIGHTEOUS ASSHOLES

    That being said, Gentleman, as always I invite your intelligent input and the floor is open.....Keithicon_cool.gif.
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    Oct 03, 2010 7:18 PM GMT
    vetteset saidSo here's the topic....: How many of you have thought of suicide and why?
    Many times...it's like a recurring nightmare.
    Fortunately I've learned to identify most of the triggers, but sometimes I'll get a surprise that shoves me down in the depression hole.
    The most common for me is extended periods of cold weather. It always depresses me, and the only reason I got an early discharge from the US Navy while stationed in Chicago. I simply couldn't handle a 2nd winter, and was ready to throw myself off the tallest building on base.
  • baldone

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    Oct 03, 2010 7:20 PM GMT
    many times after wife found out.....thought would be the easy way of not dealing with all the pain, loss of friendships, funny was my best freind at my church who talked me out of it several times and now barely speaks to me
    still have son blaming all his problems on me, now back living in my house and me expected to stop all my living while he is in the house......advised not to have friends over, me being the one that loves to entertain, says could push him to far the other way........may should have a real jock open house and invite everyone that wants to come
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    Oct 03, 2010 7:22 PM GMT
    I've been hospitalized twice... I overdosed several times on different meds., slit my wrists and I finally got the treatment I needed. Even still, I sometimes get suicidal thoughts in my head... especially when I'm depressed, but sometimes even when I'm not or don't feel it. Usually happened when I was either not around people or extremely upset about something.

    My meds make me balanced now...

    Hope If I ever meet someone on this site and some sparks fly that they will understand this is mainly in my past and not to dwell on it. icon_redface.gif
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    Oct 03, 2010 7:34 PM GMT
    QuadraticEquation saidHope If I ever meet someone on this site and some sparks fly that they will understand this is mainly in my past and not to dwell on it. icon_redface.gif
    That's the biggest challenge when dating someone with depression, anxiety, or any other mental condition.
    My last live-in bf took anxiety meds. When he was between refills, it was holy terror in the apt.
    One guy with ADHD + depression (me) combined with a guy with anxiety + depression (him) - neither on meds - made for some really...uhh..."interesting" events. icon_lol.gif
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    Oct 03, 2010 7:37 PM GMT
    my thought of it didn't start until i suffered an injury resulting in chronic pain
  • baldone

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    Oct 03, 2010 7:41 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    vetteset saidSo here's the topic....: How many of you have thought of suicide and why?
    Many times...it's like a recurring nightmare.
    Fortunately I've learned to identify most of the triggers, but sometimes I'll get a surprise that shoves me down in the depression hole.
    The most common for me is extended periods of cold weather. It always depresses me, and the only reason I got an early discharge from the US Navy while stationed in Chicago. I simply couldn't handle a 2nd winter, and was ready to throw myself off the tallest building on base.
    paul i so know what you are saying..with the weather getting cooler and grayer here, and the kid moving back in...i am starting to feel myself withdrawing and starting to slide down that hole again....angry,scared,verge of tears all day long, and have had no ambition to do anything today
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    Oct 03, 2010 7:43 PM GMT
    I came pretty close to it about a year and a half ago. I had to move back from Chicago after not being able to support myself there, came back to find out my family was completely bankrupt and losing our home (yay economic and housing crash), they'd run up an insurmountable debt on my credit and therefore I was completely discredited, I was forced to move in with my brother and become his pool boy and gardener for room and board. I was like fuck it I'm ending this. For whatever reason it may have been I didn't.
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    Oct 03, 2010 7:51 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    QuadraticEquation saidHope If I ever meet someone on this site and some sparks fly that they will understand this is mainly in my past and not to dwell on it. icon_redface.gif
    That's the biggest challenge when dating someone with depression, anxiety, or any other mental condition.
    My last live-in bf took anxiety meds. When he was between refills, it was holy terror in the apt.
    One guy with ADHD + depression (me) combined with a guy with anxiety + depression (him) - neither on meds - made for some really...uhh..."interesting" events. icon_lol.gif



    So which option do you find easier... a relationship/dating someone who knows what you are going through in some way or a relationship/dating someone who hasn't experienced that sensation, is knowledgeable about the disease and somewhat understading but is otherwise "normal" ?

    Or rather, which would you prefer from your own personal experiences?
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    Oct 03, 2010 7:52 PM GMT
    vetteset saidHow many of you have thought of suicide and why?

    In 1968 a motorcycle accident disfigured me, and caused brain damage from which I still suffer. It took me a couple of years to work myself back, somewhat like a stroke victim, to regain my full speech and other faculties, although I never have been able to play the piano well again.

    And during that time I became very depressed, when I realized the full extent of what I had lost, that my "smarts" were gone forever, as evidenced by IQ tests. On top of that, at 19 I was going through fairly typical teen angst, no doubt compounded by being gay and in very deep denial to myself, very confused as to who I was. I was so unhappy but couldn't figure out why.

    And so I attempted suicide multiple times, always failing or chickening out. It was one of my motivations for enlisting in the Army -- if I couldn't kill myself, then maybe the Vietcong would, making me a hero, to boot. Of course, the ironic joke was that I came to love the Army, and instead of dying there I thrived. And proving that even the mentally challenged can always find a suitable home somewhere -- LOL!
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    Oct 03, 2010 8:12 PM GMT
    baldone saidpaul i so know what you are saying..with the weather getting cooler and grayer here, and the kid moving back in...i am starting to feel myself withdrawing and starting to slide down that hole again....angry,scared,verge of tears all day long, and have had no ambition to do anything today
    Is your son 21+? If so, it sounds like you could both use a night out and maybe a few drinks.
    That would give you both the chance to talk about your feelings with each other, and maybe make the living situation more tolerable.
    Staying at home and being reclusive can be the worst thing for depression.
  • baldone

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    Oct 03, 2010 8:14 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    baldone saidpaul i so know what you are saying..with the weather getting cooler and grayer here, and the kid moving back in...i am starting to feel myself withdrawing and starting to slide down that hole again....angry,scared,verge of tears all day long, and have had no ambition to do anything today
    Is your son 21+? If so, it sounds like you could both use a night out and maybe a few drinks.
    That would give you both the chance to talk about your feelings with each other, and maybe make the living situation more tolerable.
    Staying at home and being reclusive can be the worst thing for depression.
    almost 30 and addict so cannot drink..same son that told me i cheated him of years of a positive male role model for a father
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    Oct 03, 2010 8:21 PM GMT
    QuadraticEquation saidOr rather, which would you prefer from your own personal experiences?
    Currently I prefer living alone and having friends/dates who live elsewhere. That way I don't get on their nerves with my occasional mood swings, and vice versa. It's easy to just stop posting online and wait it out when I feel my mood changing...not so easy to ignore someone who's in the same room. icon_lol.gif

    I'll probably end up with another live-in boyfriend, but can't guarantee anything at this point. It's just nice to have my privacy at this point.
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    Oct 03, 2010 8:24 PM GMT
    baldone saidmany times after wife found out.....thought would be the easy way of not dealing with all the pain, loss of friendships, funny was my best freind at my church who talked me out of it several times and now barely speaks to me
    still have son blaming all his problems on me, now back living in my house and me expected to stop all my living while he is in the house......advised not to have friends over, me being the one that loves to entertain, says could push him to far the other way........may should have a real jock open house and invite everyone that wants to come


    Dave show him the fukken door and tell him to come back when he fukken well grows up...Take it from a dad,,,don't let him take the reins of your life.....little fukken asswipe.......Love, Keithicon_cool.gif


    I don't make any judgement calls here, but I think several people have driven by the shop and avoided coming in.....We need to share this shit, it's more important than waving who we are, we can't do that dead.....keithicon_cool.gif
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    Oct 03, 2010 8:28 PM GMT
    baldone saidalmost 30 and addict so cannot drink..same son that told me i cheated him of years of a positive male role model for a father
    I won't publicly bash my family members in the forum...at least not by name nor relation, but there's a similar-but-much-worse situation with some of my family members: The son's father ran off when the girl got pregnant at age 17. Now the son is in his 20's and the father still shuns him, and vice versa. In fact, the father texted his son's WIFE to come over for some nooky. That was a seriously low blow. I told the kid yesterday they should be on Jerry Springer.

    I seriously doubt you could have been a worse role model than that. icon_lol.gif
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    Oct 03, 2010 8:33 PM GMT
    I have not only thought about it but i have done it and its something i will always live with and this topic brings me back that memory.I was just going threw something and i thought killing myself was the answer or maybe the devil was calling me but i guess it wasn't my time cause im still here =)
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    Oct 03, 2010 8:43 PM GMT
    vetteset said
    baldone saidmany times after wife found out.....thought would be the easy way of not dealing with all the pain, loss of friendships, funny was my best freind at my church who talked me out of it several times and now barely speaks to me
    still have son blaming all his problems on me, now back living in my house and me expected to stop all my living while he is in the house......advised not to have friends over, me being the one that loves to entertain, says could push him to far the other way........may should have a real jock open house and invite everyone that wants to come


    Dave show him the fukken door and tell him to come back when he fukken well grows up...Take it from a dad,,,don't let him take the reins of your life.....little fukken asswipe.......Love, Keithicon_cool.gif


    keithicon_cool.gif



    Ditto to that
    something seems seriously wrong about the setup at your house. It is YOUR house we're assuming and he's 30?
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    Oct 03, 2010 8:48 PM GMT
    PRINCETONY said... i guess it wasn't my time cause im still here =)
    It's because you had an invisible support group that you knew nothing about at the time.
    *hugs* <3 icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 03, 2010 9:00 PM GMT

    I don't know how serious i've come, just as a thought crept in some isolated spot in my brain the fear of self inflicted pain scares me worse. The thought of surviving by any miracle would be far more damaging and learning how to cope and face how fragile each relatiopnship has become due to my failure to communicate... Everyday is a second chance to rt a wrg.
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    Oct 03, 2010 9:31 PM GMT
    when i was younger... because i'm shy and have trouble getting close to anyone. and what ppl tell me are my good qualities are things that don't really matter to me, but the things that do matter to me aren't my good qualities... being gay before i had come to terms with it was another thing that made me feel that way.

    now i am fine with being gay most days and i don't dwell on the things i am not icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 03, 2010 9:49 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    PRINCETONY said... i guess it wasn't my time cause im still here =)
    It's because you had an invisible support group that you knew nothing about at the time.
    *hugs* <3 icon_biggrin.gif


    awww thanks paul your always to kind =)icon_redface.gif
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    Oct 03, 2010 9:53 PM GMT
    yes when I was younger because of my parents. growing up in my household for me sucked when I was younger since my parents would be so strict and on my ass for so many things. I wasnt an A student and they will always go out their way especially my dad to go compare me other people and make me feel bad. Also, since I was the only kid that was asian at my school since I grew up in the ghetto with only blacks and latino. The kids would make fun of my eyes though I dont really have the typical asian eyes. Yeah I thought of suicide when I was only a kid. KIDS are MEAN!
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    Oct 03, 2010 10:13 PM GMT
    A_1991 said KIDS are MEAN!


    No sweetheart, mankind is mean...and you're by no means ugly,,,you're just a cutie pie......Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Oct 03, 2010 10:15 PM GMT
    O I had em for a while, all day long

    I decided not to for the plain and simple reason I didnt want my friends and familiy to feel as horrible as I feel lol

    I knew people that committed suicide.. in the end, the family usually feels horrible, if I had done it , it would have been for selfish reasons, cause i am just fed up with my life...

    Living for other people keeps me around, every second
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    Oct 03, 2010 10:26 PM GMT
    At age 22, I attempted suicide as a threat,because I was "jilted."
    (does that word still exist ?) Anyway,the whole thing went terribly
    wrong as the dosage of sleeping pills that I consumed was pretty
    excessive.
    Thanks to the vigilance of my neighbor at the dorm that my attempt
    was aborted and I was taken to the univ infirmary.
    Seeking attention nearly cost me my life