What is wrong with people?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 03, 2010 5:56 PM GMT
    So, today marks the abrupt end of ten-year friendship that i've had with someone. Strictly platonic relationship and for those ten years he's had (and still has) a partner. We met through mutual friends and regularly hung out maybe two or three times a month over that 10-year span. About two months ago, he made a pass at me........i really had no idea what to think about it - shocked mostly, and not even sure he was coming on to me.........so i let it slide.........and then it happened again........nothing so overt that it couldn't be blamed on my misinterpreting things either - after all, i do tend to over-react to an unwelcome advance.......so i let it slide again..........a few weeks ago, another come on.........a little more suggestive and much clearer in intent this time..........so, i didn't let it slide. i spared him the full brunt of my displeasure, but did make it clear that ours is a friendship that is platonic.........oh, yeah, and you have a husband. Fast forward to today.........we were supposed to get together this afternoon........instead i get a text message - "I've decided - I can't see you anymore." WTF?

    This is so offensive on so many levels! What is it with gay men that they seem to think that if we're friends, that at some point, we'll be more than that, and if not, then we're not friends? I mean, really, was that the plan all along? This is at least the third guy who has pulled this stunt with me, so i'm not happy with the pattern i'm seeing.

    And texting me with one f***ing sentence? After ten years? OK, that move alone guarantees that you will never see me anymore........because god forbid, if i ever see you again after that treatment..........you will need a internal surgeon to remove the iphone i will shove up your ass. It is completely unreal how texting seems to be contributing to a rapid devolution of basic ettiquette.

    Anyway.........i'm not seeking any advice here - my mind is made up on this one - just consider this more of a Public Service Announcement posted in hopes that others read this and don't behave so badly.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 03, 2010 6:00 PM GMT
    Wow...he waited 10 years to make a pass at you?
    That goes beyond patience. That's more like highly advanced stalking.
    You deserve better friends than that.
    *hugs*
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    Oct 03, 2010 6:10 PM GMT
    What kind of friend are you, that let's a friend of 10 years come on to him repeatedly without talking to him about it? To me, that shows, that you didn't value the friendship and the friend very much yourself.
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    Oct 03, 2010 6:18 PM GMT
    bhp91126 saidWhat kind of friend are you, that let's a friend of 10 years come on to him repeatedly without talking to him about it? To me, that shows, that you didn't value the friendship and the friend very much yourself.


    Um.......let's remember hindsight is 20/20..........again, the first two attempts were so subtle that i can really only call them attempts after the third overt/obvious attempt.......and i was stunned enough by those first two that i didn't know what to say.....in my defense, when it was obvious and couldn't be dismissed by me over-reacting, then i did say something.
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    Oct 03, 2010 6:35 PM GMT
    Is it possible your friendship just blossomed in to a sexual attraction for him (whereas you weren't interested in it)? It sounds like he couldn't take the rejection or knowing that even though you are friends, you won't become anything more. Or, was he expecting a relationship from the beginning?



    That happens and really sucks. He was immature in how he handled it.... 1 False move and you can ruin a friendship forever.
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    Oct 03, 2010 6:51 PM GMT
    paparazzi66 said10 years is a long time. He is definitely at fault for not confiding in you when he started to develop feelings for you. I can see people falling in love with someone outside their commitment. I can also see falling in love with a friend for 10 years. But there has to be some communication going on. He should have told you that he is not happy with his partner and he has started liking you.

    I am starting to feel like the only one who still believes that if "he is not happy with his partner" that he needs to leave BEFORE pursuing other interests? Being told that somebody is not happy with their partner and they are starting to develop feelings for me is crap. Don't tell me you are unhappy with your partner and expect me to be your interest on the side- tell him/her, work it out or end it before you expect me to look at you.

    He is not "at fault for not confiding" in the OP about his feelings. He is "at fault" for deciding to act on those feelings before changing anything else in his life. Yeah, confiding his feelings would have been a start- but acting on them and expecting to be respected while he openly deceives the one he claims to "love" would make me a little disappointed in a friend of 10 years. That was a lot of disrespect shown to the OP that cumulated in a the most immature, rotten way to end a long term friendship.
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    Oct 03, 2010 6:59 PM GMT
    [quote]paparazzi66 said:
    He is not "at fault for not confiding" in the OP about his feelings. He is "at fault" for deciding to act on those feelings before changing anything else in his life. Yeah, confiding his feelings would have been a start- but acting on them and expecting to be respected while he openly deceives the one he claims to "love" would make me a little disappointed in a friend of 10 years. That was a lot of disrespect shown to the OP that cumulated in a the most immature, rotten way to end a long term friendship. [/quote]


    Glad someone understands - that last paragraph summarizes exactly what i felt. 1) not being honest with me for how long? 2) cheating on your partner - and thinking i'd be cool with being involved in that? 3) telling me by text you're done? Yeah, that's a lot of inconsideration for one day.
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    Oct 03, 2010 7:06 PM GMT
    Yeah, something is going on in his life and relationship and he is looking for a sexual outlet, maybe more. He us obviously struggling with this. His cutting you off so abruptly is a attempt to remove the temptation. After a 10 year friendship, I would say show him compassion. Let him work thru this. Don't be so concerned with yourself. It might be months or more before he is able to see you again.

    Before I gaze at you again
    I'll need a time for tears.
    Before I gaze at you again
    Let hours turn to years.

    I have so much forgetting to do
    Before I try to gaze again at you.

    Stay away until you cross my mind
    Barely once a day.
    Stay away until I wake and find
    That I can smile and say:

    That I shall gaze at you again
    Without a blush or qualm.
    My eyes will shine like new again,
    My manner poised and calm.

    No sign of fear,
    Not even a sigh.
    And so till when
    We meet again, Goodbye!
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    Oct 03, 2010 7:13 PM GMT
    [quote]paparazzi66 said:

    so what are you going to do now? is it over?[/quote]



    i don't think i can answer that with 100% certainty until i've had a few days to cool off...........but the gut response is "yes........it's over." Ten years of trust just went right out the window with his text message. i mean, for him to make an advance and then think i'd be OK with it despite him having a partner makes me wonder how well ever knew me anyway, what he thinks of me, etc. Clearly, i'm thinking he didn't know me........which then begs the question what has he been doing these past ten years.........just molesting me with his eyes and waiting to pounce?
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    Oct 04, 2010 11:45 PM GMT
    Did you reply back to him? Ten years of trust is kind of alot to let go on one sentence..... Though the sentence was a bad one, I agree, I dont know if the trust should be gone... I can understand why you feel you WOULDNT want to see him anymore either, saying something like that is kind of a diss... but ppl say terrible stuff in spurs of the moment.. hell, my siblings and I do at times too, we may need to blow off steam for a few weeks, but we go back to being siblings afterwards
  • jlly_rnchr

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    Oct 04, 2010 11:50 PM GMT
    Devil's Advocate alert: Maybe it really is hard for him to be around you without being with you, and this is all he has the power to do. Cutting off friendships is very harsh, but in his head, maybe that's the best way to avoid infidelity.

    It really sucks either way, no friend or friend coming on to you. It's lose-lose, but totally not your fault...unless you're a shameless flirt.
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    Oct 04, 2010 11:54 PM GMT
    Only a shameless flirt with strangers! But you do make a good point. And, yes, i agree, anyway you slice it, no one wins.
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    Oct 04, 2010 11:55 PM GMT
    Im a stranger icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 05, 2010 5:16 AM GMT


    Sometimes in your life journey you will find a need to let ppl who travel w/ you out at a rest stop. Sometimes that's permanent and other times only temporary. Did you lern anything about yourself frm the experience? Walk away w/ the positive experience of a 10yr friendship let him live out the negativity.