College guys

  • NerdLifter

    Posts: 1509

    Oct 04, 2010 7:00 PM GMT
    This is a rant, plain and simple, something I've been noticing over the past couple years, and I feel I need to express my overall frustration with seeing this. Here are a couple paraphrases that have come up recently during my time on campus that I feel sums things up:

    "I'm straight" but he gets turned on by guys.
    Or another dude: "I only do stuff with bi/straight guys" as if doing that "stuff" with a straight/bi guys makes it not "gay"

    This denial about one's sexuality, in college of all places, at 2010, is depressing to see. This pervasive peer pressure, even in college, for hetero-normality is so high that the majority of men I've found, at least at UMD, are deep in the closet. But honestly, the worst part of it all: many of them deep down feel lonely.

    I just feel a bit sickened seeing societal pressure make so many of these guys hide in fear and then they search for sexual outlets in sketchy dark corners of campus.

    College is supposed to be when you have the time to explore relationships and self-discovery. To see that opportunity ripped away by sheer peer-pressure and perceived stereotypes... it just seems so fundamentally and insidiously wrong.
  • hotinri

    Posts: 34

    Oct 04, 2010 7:31 PM GMT
    i agree with u even though i never went to college but that is wher u definately have fun.
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    Oct 04, 2010 9:31 PM GMT
    I think this is where some of us can take the cue from Dan Savage in his message to high schoolers—and it's the same message for you guys in college—it gets better. The whole point of being in college, you're right, is expanding your horizons. That does mean you have to allow time for people to expand their own expectations and understanding. It takes time and emotional energy to grow as a person. That's true at any stage of life.

    Rest assured, those guys will find a comfort level and self-awareness later in life to realize it's perfectly OK just to be gay, without any caveat.
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    Oct 04, 2010 9:50 PM GMT
    Yeah I see that shit in personals and stuff and it's annoying. Also obnoxious when guys are like, NO ONE over 30, like something terrible happens and you're instantly a troll after 30. Ha ha. It's just immature bullshit and you have to slough it off.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Oct 04, 2010 9:52 PM GMT
    Studinprogress said

    This denial about one's sexuality, in college of all places, at 2010, is depressing to see.


    I agree.....just the same as it is in mainstream life...however, people with narrow-minded viewpoints are not going to change and therefore you will always have guys who are afraid to express and experience their sexuality. Will being gay ever be totally acceptable? icon_sad.gif
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    Oct 04, 2010 9:56 PM GMT
    Actually its really common. I think alot of it has to do with how stereotypical(flaming) gay men behave and are percieved. They simply do NOT want to be associated with the likes of Perez Hilton etc. I have a few guys friends like this...they just do NOT want to be judged based on the bitchy stereotype portrayed by many gays here at MSU. That being said, I am not gay but bromosexual. icon_wink.gif

    This might be a wakeup call to some of us who do not understand that their behavior has consequences, namely stigmitization. Be yourself and be proud but being a crazy, superfluous bitch with a plethora of fag hags puts the rest of us off. Small rant....
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    Oct 04, 2010 10:57 PM GMT
    agri_sci> This might be a wakeup call to some of us who do not understand that their behavior has consequences, namely stigmitization
    Be yourself and be proud but being a crazy, superfluous bitch with a plethora of fag hags puts the rest of us off.

    How would you feel if I said: Jews should just be themselves, but wearing a kippa is off-putting. And then there are those crazy, superfluous, bitches who get dressed all in black, their talit tzitzit showing, and perpetrate all sorts of strange rituals (really, you're putting those tfillin on your head so people will think we - all of us Jews - have horns?!).

    The lesson, of course, isn't that we need to control the behavior of other people but rather that we need to teach others not to stereotype. Not to prejudge individuals based on biases about the group.

    (And really, if they're down on their knees... they're a lot less "straight acting" than a straight metrosexual swinging a pink purse.)
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    Oct 04, 2010 11:08 PM GMT
    A real man of any stripe does not let others, stereotypes, or his innate fears define him. He does not bash his brother to distract from his own insecurity. However he walks, with a strut or a sway, he walks tall and proud.
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    Oct 04, 2010 11:22 PM GMT
    Studinprogress saidThis is a rant, plain and simple, something I've been noticing over the past couple years, and I feel I need to express my overall frustration with seeing this. Here are a couple paraphrases that have come up recently during my time on campus that I feel sums things up:

    "I'm straight" but he gets turned on by guys.
    Or another dude: "I only do stuff with bi/straight guys" as if doing that "stuff" with a straight/bi guys makes it not "gay"

    This denial about one's sexuality, in college of all places, at 2010, is depressing to see. This pervasive peer pressure, even in college, for hetero-normality is so high that the majority of men I've found, at least at UMD, are deep in the closet. But honestly, the worst part of it all: many of them deep down feel lonely.

    I just feel a bit sickened seeing societal pressure make so many of these guys hide in fear and then they search for sexual outlets in sketchy dark corners of campus.

    College is supposed to be when you have the time to explore relationships and self-discovery. To see that opportunity ripped away by sheer peer-pressure and perceived stereotypes... it just seems so fundamentally and insidiously wrong.


    This goes on rampantly at UMD? I would have thought that living around DC, one of the gayest places in the country, that that wouldn't be the case. My bf is going to transfer there soon. Wierd
  • yeaboy

    Posts: 16

    Oct 04, 2010 11:36 PM GMT
    I disagree with all of you.

    Some guys need longer to come out. It's not because they're self-conscious or because they are victims of stereotyping and mainstream media or whatever else you're saying... some people just don't realize they're gay as soon as others. It takes time to figure out who you are.

    I am 100% outgoing, one of the most confident people in the world with tons and tons of great family and friends. I could have come out and no one would have given me a hard time. Why didn't I? The truth is, I didn't realize fully until I was 22 that I was REALLY gay. It's not because I was surpressing them.. it's because I didn't need to define myself.

    The truth is.. some people are so gay (the way they talk, the way they act, their interests) that they come out as an excuse (apologies for negative connotation- not my intention) for the way they are.. because of the same pressures you're blaming people that DON'T come out for.

    Let everyone go on their own clock man. Stop hating guys that are str8er gays. I am a "str8 gay" meaning you wouldn't know I am.. it takes us longer. Relax and accept everyone.

    Thanks!

  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Oct 04, 2010 11:44 PM GMT
    yeaboy saidI disagree with all of you.

    Some guys need longer to come out. It's not because they're self-conscious or because they are victims of stereotyping and mainstream media or whatever else you're saying... some people just don't realize they're gay as soon as others. It takes time to figure out who you are.

    I am 100% outgoing, one of the most confident people in the world with tons and tons of great family and friends. I could have come out and no one would have given me a hard time. Why didn't I? The truth is, I didn't realize fully until I was 22 that I was REALLY gay. It's not because I was surpressing them.. it's because I didn't need to define myself.

    The truth is.. some people are so gay (the way they talk, the way they act, their interests) that they come out as an excuse (apologies for negative connotation- not my intention) for the way they are.. because of the same pressures you're blaming people that DON'T come out for.

    Let everyone go on their own clock man. Stop hating guys that are str8er gays. I am a "str8 gay" meaning you wouldn't know I am.. it takes us longer. Relax and accept everyone.

    Thanks!



    It seems to me that the OP is not saying that these guys should come out per se. It seems they are already pretty honest about what they do (fool around with guys). His objection seems to be that they are being honest about what they do *while* calling themselves entirely straight or calling their gay acts "not gay". They are being disingenuous. One might even suspect they are acting in a slightly cowardly fashion - doing gay acts, saying they do these acts, but refusing to call them what they are for fear of describing themselves or their acts with words that carry negative social baggage.

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    Oct 04, 2010 11:47 PM GMT
    I don't think it is so much an issue of realizing that you're gay as it is accepting that you are gay.

    You can realize you are gay and still be very homophobic if you are not comfortable with that realization.

    And many guys at that stage in life don't want to be around fem or flamboyant men because it is a reflection.

    Sister Mary Martha Cumslot in catholic school used to say "You will be known by the company you keep."

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    Oct 04, 2010 11:53 PM GMT
    Studinprogress saidBut honestly, the worst part of it all: many of them deep down feel lonely.

    You can't assume such a thing about them, only they can say how they feel- I'm out and feel lonely deep down inside.

    someguy saidAlso obnoxious when guys are like, NO ONE over 30, like something terrible happens and you're instantly a troll after 30.


    It's just a preference like, "No fats, fems, or jews." Well not the last one. icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 05, 2010 4:34 AM GMT
    Delivis> they are being honest about what they do *while* calling themselves entirely straight or calling their gay acts "not gay". They are being disingenuous.

    So the rabbi walks into the butcher shop and says: "give me some of that beef".
    The butcher objects: "But, rabbi, that's pork!".
    And the rabbi responds: "Did I ask you vat it is? Give me some of that beef".

    Guess these guys also want some beef, but want to pretend they shop at the seafood counter...?
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    Oct 05, 2010 4:50 AM GMT
    One caveat to your post is that many of them might not even realize their sexuality. Despite being turned on by the male form and/or masculine personalities, I literally had no idea I was gay until about a year after I graduated from college. It sounds insane to me now, and I'm sure it sounds ridiculous to all of you, but I had just repressed the truth. I don't think I thought I was straight, but if you had asked me if I was gay I would have flat out said "no" and would have believed it.
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    Oct 05, 2010 5:07 AM GMT
    CaliBoySwag saidI don't think it is so much an issue of realizing that you're gay as it is accepting that you are gay.

    You can realize you are gay and still be very homophobic if you are not comfortable with that realization.

    And many guys at that stage in life don't want to be around fem or flamboyant men because it is a reflection.

    Sister Mary Martha Cumslot in catholic school used to say "You will be known by the company you keep."


    I agree with this. I was one of those, "Oh fucking hell. I'm gay and hate it" then fought for years to obtain the dream of normalcy.
    It just... happens.
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    Oct 05, 2010 5:32 AM GMT
    yeaboy saidI disagree with all of you.

    Some guys need longer to come out. It's not because they're self-conscious or because they are victims of stereotyping and mainstream media or whatever else you're saying... some people just don't realize they're gay as soon as others. It takes time to figure out who you are.

    ..................

    Let everyone go on their own clock man. Stop hating guys that are str8er gays. I am a "str8 gay" meaning you wouldn't know I am.. it takes us longer. Relax and accept everyone.

    Thanks!



    I can see your point in this but I agree with the OP. Some guys do take longer but a majority of "straight-acting" gay guys are stuck in societal expectations to be masculine. I'd be pretty confident to say that it is easier being gay than it was a decade ago but it's not always easier for everyone. I was forced out so I don't know where I'd be if things were different.. Hopefully out though 'cause now I see that my friends are so supportive and think nothing less of me. I'm glad I get a chance to show people that being gay isn't all about screaming it from the rooftops. I'm still just as much of a guy as my buddies.

    What gets to me sometimes, like with the OP, is when guys mess around but don't want to be associated with the label. I've been with two athletes on my campus (at different times....) and both of them would avoid me on campus. I'd catch them darting off in a room or different hallway when they saw me, but then call and text as soon as they were horny. They try their best to avoid any association with their true feelings. I couldn't blame them because I was in their shoes once but in the end, that's not the type of relationship I want. I did still call them out but explained that it's not what I was looking for.. They either consider their options or ditch out. I never want to force anyone out though and you have to explain that to them too. They still need to do it on their own time, and that's usually at their breaking point when can see for themselves how being out would have more positive consequences than staying in the closet.
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    Oct 12, 2010 11:51 PM GMT
    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HERESome guys do take longer but a majority of "straight-acting" gay guys are stuck in societal expectations to be masculine. I'd be pretty confident to say that it is easier being gay than it was a decade ago but it's not always easier for everyone.





    I honestly could'nt have said it better. I think this is a real problem. I run into it ALL of the time. It's true. Alot of guys who like other guys feel caught in between two worlds. They grew up in certain environments and tended to be just like all the other guys. Alot of people don't want to be associated with Perez Hilton or a stereotype. It would be alienating to who they are and to their social group. Its not even a matter of acceptance, alot of guys just DON'T relate to that. Nor do they want to. They just want to be accepted for who they are already, as they are.

    This keeps alot of guys in the closet and its really frustrating and sad.

    I don't know what to do about it, I wish i did. I am one of those guys.
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    Dec 28, 2010 10:20 PM GMT
    But there is something strange about this whole topic..because when you really look at it, everyone male or female is in some way shape or form, even a little gay.
    SOOOOO many girls I have talked to have looked at another girl and thought she was beautiful, and many of them have hooked up with girls or even gone further, but they still like guys too. The fact they have even thought about it, or that they consider it makes them slightly bi-curious.

    BUT

    When it comes to guys its a little different
    Im in college too, and the funny thing is, some of my best friends act like the biggest fags in the whole world. My one friend told me how in high school he has "ball smacked?" other guys (when you flick another guys ball sack) or he'll hug guys and be all over them and just say GAY ass shit, like "the things Id do to your asshole the weird thing is, the kid is definitely straight. Ive told him how im gay and he were still tighter than ever, but even when I hint at something gay or something ive done he gets all annoyed. I know that if he were gay he woulda done something already, least in my opinion.

    I feel like thats with alotta guys.
    Ever guy has some gay quality about them..it just shows how = we all are haha
  • prime02

    Posts: 236

    Jan 01, 2011 5:59 PM GMT
    hey, everyone has different situations they have to deal with. Not one advice or point of view can apply to every guy in the closet at a major university.

    In my case, even though USC is listed as one of the most gay friendly campuses in the US... the greek system prides itself as being one of the flagship systems on the west coast. So being gay, and in a frat is something looked down upon heavily. Going on college gossip blogs on USC, and you'll see what I'm taking about. I hid in when I was in my frat, because if your house had a gay member, it spread like wildfire, and would affect rush (which is extremely competitive). I hid my life because I would hate that my private life, would affect my brothers. I had a gay life, but I kept it separate from my college life. I would party with sororities during the week, and the weekend hang out with the few gay friends that I have.. maybe west hollywood, but even that was a bit too gay for me haha.

    Guys hide it for a reason, when they're comfortable with themselves, they'll open up. In my case, I wanted to be out of college, and out of the fraternity system to do it
  • kennyj08

    Posts: 171

    Jan 01, 2011 6:02 PM GMT
    RunintheCity saidA real man of any stripe does not let others, stereotypes, or his innate fears define him. He does not bash his brother to distract from his own insecurity. However he walks, with a strut or a sway, he walks tall and proud.


    ENCORE!!! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 01, 2011 6:08 PM GMT
    yeaboy saidI disagree with all of you.

    Some guys need longer to come out. It's not because they're self-conscious or because they are victims of stereotyping and mainstream media or whatever else you're saying... some people just don't realize they're gay as soon as others. It takes time to figure out who you are.

    I am 100% outgoing, one of the most confident people in the world with tons and tons of great family and friends. I could have come out and no one would have given me a hard time. Why didn't I? The truth is, I didn't realize fully until I was 22 that I was REALLY gay. It's not because I was surpressing them.. it's because I didn't need to define myself.

    The truth is.. some people are so gay (the way they talk, the way they act, their interests) that they come out as an excuse (apologies for negative connotation- not my intention) for the way they are.. because of the same pressures you're blaming people that DON'T come out for.

    Let everyone go on their own clock man. Stop hating guys that are str8er gays. I am a "str8 gay" meaning you wouldn't know I am.. it takes us longer. Relax and accept everyone.

    Thanks!



    I am naturally very masculine. I came out because I am gay, and because I saw at 15 after hiding it for a year that I needed that to be happy. I went balls the to the wall, and it took about 2 years to full come out to where I could tell a stranger and not give a fuck, and it didn't change me a bit. But I don't regret it at all.. I also think that those guys calling themselves straight are sad. I wear a gay pride t shirt around campus just for shits and giggles on occasion. I can understand there are certain circumstances but people in general are very hypocritical in themselves. But people are also lead to beleive that they may change if they call themselves gay.
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    Jan 01, 2011 6:21 PM GMT
    The correct answer was stigmatization.
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    Jan 01, 2011 6:30 PM GMT
    RunintheCity saidA real man of any stripe does not let others, stereotypes, or his innate fears define him. He does not bash his brother to distract from his own insecurity. However he walks, with a strut or a sway, he walks tall and proud.


    THIS.
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    Jan 01, 2011 6:37 PM GMT
    Studinprogress saidThis is a rant, plain and simple, something I've been noticing over the past couple years, and I feel I need to express my overall frustration with seeing this. Here are a couple paraphrases that have come up recently during my time on campus that I feel sums things up:

    "I'm straight" but he gets turned on by guys.
    Or another dude: "I only do stuff with bi/straight guys" as if doing that "stuff" with a straight/bi guys makes it not "gay"

    This denial about one's sexuality, in college of all places, at 2010, is depressing to see. This pervasive peer pressure, even in college, for hetero-normality is so high that the majority of men I've found, at least at UMD, are deep in the closet. But honestly, the worst part of it all: many of them deep down feel lonely.

    I just feel a bit sickened seeing societal pressure make so many of these guys hide in fear and then they search for sexual outlets in sketchy dark corners of campus.

    College is supposed to be when you have the time to explore relationships and self-discovery. To see that opportunity ripped away by sheer peer-pressure and perceived stereotypes... it just seems so fundamentally and insidiously wrong.


    You're right.

    Lots of young folks don't want to be perceived as out of the line of "normal."

    It's weird how some things are acceptable. E..g. drunken frats boys in a circle jerk, but, other things, same sex intimacy, are still a bit taboo.

    Stay positive, man evolves, even if it's ever slowly.

    As men mature a bit, they often develop a better sense of self, and become less concerned about all the perception thing / peer group thing.

    Our brain doesn't mature until we're around 30, and good reasoning and sound judgment are about the last things to develop, like it,.... or not.