My boyfriend thinks he's straight, what would you do?

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    Mar 03, 2008 6:58 PM GMT
    So I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 7 months now, and over the last month or so he's been struggling with the thought of "am I even gay?" I've tried telling him that he might be bi, because according to him he still likes women (although, not really sexually I think, he just finds some women attractive personality-wise), but he doesn't believe in bi-sexuality. He had a gf before we started dating, but in the three years they were together they were only sexual once (and that was only oral).

    Our relationship is suffering, and in the last few days he said he's leaning more toward being straight. He doesn't want to break up until he's sure one way or another. He says he loves me and is having fun in the relationship still, but all the same....he says he's leaning more toward being straight. He's been saying things to his best friend about his ex-girlfriend, things like how he could have married her, how she was the perfect girl, yadda yadda yadda...

    Here's my take: He's afraid of the thought of coming out to his family 100% and to the world, and he's clinging to the hope that if he tries to be straight again, he will be. What I can't decide, is whether I want to stick around during this period of uncertainty. The last thing I want is to live in a state of denial myself, or be used.

    So I was wondering, if your boyfriend was going through his coming out process, and was thinking he might be straight after all (despite the very sexually-active and romantic relationship you've both been in for nearly 7 months), would you stick with it for a while longer, to see where it went, or would you break it off? It's gonna hurt no matter what, I think, and truthfully I'm not sure if it can be worked out....but then again, he says he doesn't want to break up, and he wants to live in the moment with one another.

    Gah, so confusing. I hope some of you older gents can lend some advice, or perhaps some experience.
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    Mar 03, 2008 7:17 PM GMT

    You said,
    "He says he loves me and is having fun in the relationship still, but all the same....he says he's leaning more toward being straight. He's been saying things to his best friend about his ex-girlfriend, things like how he could have married her, how she was the perfect girl, yadda yadda yadda..."


    I'm really sorry that you're going through such a shitty crisis, but seriously, wtf?! What is he trying to do- phase the relationship out? I think you should let go. Its great that your boyfriend is honest about his feelings, but maybe the comfort of a relationship is delaying his decision?

    If you have the emotional strength, you can remain a close friend but the relationship does not seem to be worth salvaging.
  • auryn

    Posts: 2061

    Mar 03, 2008 7:19 PM GMT
    It took a break up with my first boyfriend for me to realize that I preferred the company of men and that I could reconcile my feelings with my upbringing. I ended up back with that boyfriend after a short separation; felt like I needed and wanted to be with him. We're not together anymore; not because I couldn't deal with my homosexuality, but because we really weren't compatible.

    You may have to cut him loose so he can find himself. It'll be hard, but at least you won't feel like you're being strung along. However, if you think you can handle waiting, more power to ya. But help yourself and suggest he get some counseling if he's going to remain with you while he sorts things out. His issue is not your battle.

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    Mar 03, 2008 7:22 PM GMT
    Bi Guys forget it... l had one once and it did my head in! never again!
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    Mar 03, 2008 7:24 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear you're in such a rock/hard place kind of situation.

    All I can say is, back when I was single, I had a rule - no dating anyone who hasn't been out for at least a couple of years.

    The one time I broke that rule, I learned why I had the rule in the first place.

    As for 'confused guys' well, the aforementioned rule would preclude them altogether.
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    Mar 03, 2008 7:24 PM GMT
    I see what I call a PARKING LOT SYNDROME. Ditch him now before he leaves you first. Sheezus, you're just 20 and there are lotsa catch out there with lesser shitty shituation than his. You deserve complete happiness... or at least less distress.

    Don't burn bridges though... like if he's a ship, just swim at just the right distance to see him sink... or 'otherwise'. Whatever that case may be. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Mar 03, 2008 7:25 PM GMT
    closetsinger said
    You said,
    "He says he loves me and is having fun in the relationship still, but all the same....he says he's leaning more toward being straight. He's been saying things to his best friend about his ex-girlfriend, things like how he could have married her, how she was the perfect girl, yadda yadda yadda..."


    I'm really sorry that you're going through such a shitty crisis, but seriously, wtf?! What is he trying to do- phase the relationship out? I think you should let go. Its great that your boyfriend is honest about his feelings, but maybe the comfort of a relationship is delaying his decision?

    If you have the emotional strength, you can remain a close friend but the relationship does not seem to be worth salvaging.


    I don't think thats entirely fair, if his bf is in the process of approaching coming out to his parents, its natural for him to 'panic' and think 'what if?',

    If you think that he is strong enough to get through this with his family and you do like him, stay with him.

    He is lucky he has you, a lot of people don't have anyone when they approach coming out to there family, it can be, well it was for me anyway, terrifying, but after i did it and it was kinda alright, it was a relief.

    If you feel that he is just panicing, support him, but don't force him. If it goes beyond just idle talk and no action to becoming romantically involved with another woman, then you have to let him go.
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    Mar 03, 2008 7:29 PM GMT
    Sounds like you're both going through a tough time. That sucks.

    But if it were me, I would end the romantic relationship but still be friends and support your BF as best you can. That includes being supportive of him (and happy for him) if he realizes that he's straight or bi. And if he's in denial about being gay, continuing to date him won't help either of you.

    Whatever your BF's deal is, he's got to figure it out for himself, and there's nothing wrong with being a supportive friend during the process. In the meantime, you deserve someone romantically who is as sure of himself as you are.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Mar 03, 2008 7:36 PM GMT
    Cody,

    Wow. I think you've been extremely supportive and understanding, but your boyfriend needs to get his life sorted out. Whether he is gay, bi, or straight, he has to decide if you are who we wants to be with. You shouldn't have to be in a place where you're constantly convincing him. That's a lot of work. Maybe he needs some time on his own to sort things out, because right now he sort of gets it both ways -- he can have all this self doubt, but he still gets the reward of being with you. And I think your self-esteem is taking a hit (even though you seem to be handling it pretty well). He IS pushing you away, whether that's his intention or not. Questioning whether he is gay and saying he could have married his ex-girlfriend isn't doing the relationship much good. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a partner is set them free. Let him explore the world as a single man again and this might pressure him to reevaluate things and maybe he'll realize what he had with you was really good. But, you'll have to be prepared if he goes the other way. There are other options out there for you, guys who know they're gay and will love you wholeheartedly.

    Eric
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    Mar 03, 2008 7:43 PM GMT
    Kebab saidBi Guys forget it... l had one once and it did my head in! never again!


    I think Bi guys are grand, but guys who think bisexuality doesn't exist? Bi guys who are too chicken shit to end a relationship so they make up some gay-flight bull shit?

    Dump his ass.
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    Mar 03, 2008 7:45 PM GMT
    cmon, I feel for you this is a terrible situation to be in if you have strong feelings for the guy. Reading over your description of him I think he is getting cold feet about accepting being gay. I don't think he is bi-sexual (and yes it does exist) or heterosexual. Nearly every male will have sex with a gf or bf nearly every opportunity they get, once just does not cut it.

    When I was 20-21 I went through my "I think I can be straight" phase. I thought if I focussed my fantasies on women then my sexual feelings for men would dissipate. They didn't but I nearly did. I became a depressed, asexual zombie. Perhaps your bf is going through the same journey, idk.

    My advice for what it is worth is to give your bf some space to decide what he really wants. Don't get sucked in too deeply into his pyschodramas. Be a friend for him, but you need to watch out for your own mental health. Twenty is a difficult age as it is without adding this to the brew.
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    Mar 03, 2008 7:50 PM GMT
    Cody,

    Eric is right on the money. Very well said and I have nothing to add other than. Some things just don't work out for whatever reason.

    I know that you have invested time and emotion into this.

    It has all of marking of getting very messy if it already is not.

    The last thing you want is for either of you to still be facing this struggle of this challenge years from now.

    It will leave you jaded and bitter and trust me sweetie, GOD KNOWS there are enough of us out there who are that.

    My ex- lover for one God Bless'em!icon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 03, 2008 8:13 PM GMT
    cmon said He doesn't want to break up until he's sure one way or another.


    That's pretty selfish of him - he pretty much wants to have his bases covered and he's stringing you along until he's made up his mind. Your boyfriend's not in any position to be in a serious relationship right now. He has some serious self-discovery and growing to do. If I were you, I would end it and let him sort his life out - if he gets his shit together and demonstrates that he's ready enough to commit to you (and being gay) later down the line, you can start dating him again. It's not worth diminishing your own worth for the simple sake of being in a "relationship."
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    Mar 03, 2008 8:23 PM GMT
    In addition to the many wise words already posted, encourage your boyfriend to get to a therapist. He needs the experience of saying aloud the things that he has said to you, but to an objective party who can rationally and reasonably challenge him on it. He had oral sex with a woman one time and thinks he's straight? He thinks that because he finds women engaging and attractive he could marry one? Hell, if that were the case then every gay man would be pursuing Salma Hayek or Nicole Kidman. He's just reveling in their fabulousness the same way we all do.

    This boy is swimming up Denial River and his reasons are deep-rooted. As my own former shrink would say, you are much further along on the path of your own gay acceptance and you could be forever waiting for him to catch up, meanwhile you could be having a meaningful relationship with someone else.

    I am not telling you to break up, but I am telling you to not be dragged down with his issues, which are clearly the product of unenlightened thinking and fears. Get him to see a therapist and in case the worst happens have an exit strategy.
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    Mar 03, 2008 8:24 PM GMT
    If he doesn't "straighten out", dump him. You don't need to put up with that kind of immature bull.
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Mar 03, 2008 8:39 PM GMT
    cmon saidHere's my take: He's afraid of the thought of coming out to his family 100% and to the world, and he's clinging to the hope that if he tries to be straight again, he will be. What I can't decide, is whether I want to stick around during this period of uncertainty. The last thing I want is to live in a state of denial myself, or be used.

    So I was wondering, if your boyfriend was going through his coming out process, and was thinking he might be straight after all (despite the very sexually-active and romantic relationship you've both been in for nearly 7 months), would you stick with it for a while longer, to see where it went, or would you break it off? It's gonna hurt no matter what, I think, and truthfully I'm not sure if it can be worked out....but then again, he says he doesn't want to break up, and he wants to live in the moment with one another.

    Gah, so confusing. I hope some of you older gents can lend some advice, or perhaps some experience.


    My partner, broke up with me a few years ago, because he got scared at the thought of coming out, or being outed, by being in a relationship. He never thought he was straight, although if he could have taking a pill to make him straight, he would have. Love brought us back together.

    I say stick with it for a while. I think, you are right, that it is the thought of coming out, that is the problem. Be there for him.

    Mike
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    Mar 03, 2008 8:59 PM GMT
    Use this gay pheromone cologne on him. If that doesn't work, try a hearty meal of spaghetti and meatballs. If that doesn't work, tell his girlfriend he sucked your cock.

    100193.jpg
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    Mar 03, 2008 9:27 PM GMT
    bi, gay, straight or elephant the question here is is he monogamous? Bi guys can be in a monogamous gay relationship it just doesnt mean the next person will be. Somepeople get sexuality and promiscuity all confused.

    But the question is does he want to be with you or not. Something is obviously not right with his feelings towards the relationship for him to feel this way. Either way you are suffering, best policy is not one of damage control nor possibly forcing the issue but he needs to sort himself out and you deserve more.

    the big question though is what you want, you could say give him space and he could come back tomorrow and say yep he wants yuo only to put you through the ringer every few months. So 7 months to you sounds like you are talking a long term commitment here, but to him, as you say he had an ex girlfriend could it be that he is just not ready to settle down yet? Also you mention it could be that he is battling with comin out to his parents? Sounds like its an issue you may have raised, more so than him?
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    Mar 03, 2008 9:28 PM GMT
    Hmmm. Interesting topic.

    So your BF thinks he's straight, huh? Ok. So before you met him what exactly was he? Was he straight, bi-curious, or gay. Knowing what he was in the past could definately benefit you in the future. You've been dating now for 7 months now and inbetween that time I'm sure you guys have engaged in sexual activities so if he's bi then he would've shown some sign by now.

    In this situation you really can't sit around and wait for an answer. I say be blunt and bold and just sit him down and ask him what his feelings are towards the relationship. Pussyfoot around you might have a bad experinece -i.e- you come home one day and see him banging some chick in YOUR bed or worse, he just skips out on you with no answer. It's unfortunate that he hasn't come out to his family/friends yet but that's commom these days with guys wanting to have all the benefits and none of the responibility of being gay (they just wanna screw but don't want people to know who they are screwing). You can't make him come out to his family and friends but at the same time you can't keep being that "he's just a friend" guy when around his family and friends. At times like this you sometimes have to be selfish and give him an altimatium because if not then you'll end hurt.

    Personally speaking, I don't have a problem with Bisexuals. That's their life and they can live it however they want. If I was to become entangled with one on a more personal level, like in a relationship, the title "bi" is automatically erased. The way I see it is if you're bi and in a relationship with a gay man then you are no longer bi, you are gay, until the relationship is over then you can be whoever you want to be again.

    Hope everything works out for you and if nothing else, a good looking guy like you can always find someone who's a little more appreciative of your feelings and your situation. Laters.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 03, 2008 10:19 PM GMT
    I think you need to be concerned about your own feelings at this point. You're only 20 and it's very likely this will not be the last guy you date.

    If you enjoy being with him and think you can help him, then enjoy whatever time you may have with him. The key is if you are enjoying your time with him. If being around him is hurtful to you, then you need to give yourself some room. You're really not going to be able to help him if it's killing you to be around him.

    If this relationship is meant to be it will happen but he may need time to get himself together right now. The fact that he is not committing to you may be a fear of his homosexuality or it could be that he's not as in to you as you are to him. You need to give him time to figure this out.

    Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 03, 2008 10:22 PM GMT
    Run.

    Closeted, not out, pictureless, discreet, married, open relationship, confused, undecided are ALL words that you should seperate yourself from. They are problematic at best.

    Run.

    This is a situation where you should let common sense and logic prevail.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 03, 2008 10:30 PM GMT
    Right. Whether he's bi, straight, or gay, whether he's sure or unsure, whether he loves your or doesn't, the only really IMPORTANT issue here is:

    Does his profile on RJ have a picture? Or is he..........PICTURELESS?
  • BlackJock79

    Posts: 437

    Mar 03, 2008 10:36 PM GMT
    LOL @ jprichva. icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 03, 2008 10:40 PM GMT
    what is it with others attitude on being Out! Its like evangelical gayism its sickening
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 03, 2008 10:41 PM GMT
    All those are symptoms of deeper underlying issues.

    Unless you LIKE dealing with additional baggage, the logical solution is to choose another of the 6.5 BILLION folks on the third rock from the sun.

    Some folks, of course, are gluttons for punishment, and relish in misery. Those folks can't be helped.

    When the weak are coddled, they remain weak, or grow even weaker. To be such an enabler is a huge disservice to everyone involved.

    You don't have to be real bright to see that.