First Relationship, Does He Like Me?

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    Mar 03, 2008 9:03 PM GMT
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    Mar 03, 2008 9:25 PM GMT
    Dear Patsfan10,

    Q1: In a gay relationship, is it hard for two guys to become extremely close very quickly (we're both masculine and don't do the whole PDA thing but we are both OUT)?

    In most cases it's not that difficult as how you perceive it to be. Compatibility determines this. It seems to me that your Pros outweight the Cons already, which is a very good sign. Let me emphasize that communication is always the key.

    Q2: Is there always some type of gay divide that makes us all a little (or overly) hesitant about depending on someone and making them your life?

    It's almost second nature to be protective of ourselves (the extreme of which is being selfish and all --imho.), so that is almost like a knee-jerk reaction. Make sure that when you share that love someone, you leave a decent amount to yourself.

    I was told before that when you love someone, you also give that person the power to hurt you, with a ratio of 1:2

    Therefore you are "shocked about how 'sad' he can make you".

    Q3: Is this just what all relationships are like?

    There is no absolute answer to that. It seems like everyone's experiences are customized. You become the choice you make (either as an individual or as a couple). As they say, "life is what you make it."

    Q4: Or is this all just my situation and he just works a lot so we don't get to see each other that often and that makes it difficult?

    Even if this were cliched to death, "Absence indeed makes the heart grow fonder." (hello, jancerdack!) Take the time apart (however unwanted but the current situation calls for) as something that would work for you i.e. personal space, giving ample opportunity to miss each other and gather stories of how the week has been. This beefs up the meeting, however short and sweet it may be... too much to share, too little time. Hey, what else to do if someone's got to work!

    Q5: Is 2 months of dating enough time for someone to know whether or not they are: 1. Attracted to a person long term?

    No, 'cos obviously you have to take into account the total no. of days you actually spent together to get to know each other.

    Q6: 2. Want to be with this person for an actual relationship?

    Refer to previous answer.

    Q7: Because my knowledge of when things are "official" isn't very wide, so I just don't know if I should just LET HIM KNOW "I really, really like you" or if thats way too soon to say?

    It is too early to say that. Maybe omit the "really, really" part between the words "i" and "like you". Young love is often insanely intense at the beginning. The passion is just blinding.

    Let it "ripen" more. Trust yourself. You would know when the right time comes. You just would. You can trust me on that.


    I know I sound ridiculous writing something serious... it's sooo not ZiM, but it's the muse inside me doing the talking and who wishes for all gay relationships to work. xx
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    Mar 03, 2008 9:37 PM GMT
    I personally find it is more to do with the people's personalities then the sexual orientation. Some people become emotionally attached to another person fairly easily and want to spend as much time with the person as possible. You sound like that kind of person.

    Others like to take things a bit slow, and don't necessarily want to spend every waking minute with the other person. I personally am like that. I will be the first to admit, that although I like people generally, I have a strong loner streak in me. I need a certain amount of time by myself otherwise I go stir crazy. My dad was the exact same way as was his mother, so genetics definitely plays a part.

    Is two months long enough? I would say yes usually it is in terms of deciding whether you want to try for a real meaningful LTR.

    If this is bothering you then talk to your bf. This is a skill that guys (straight, bi, gay) period are usually lacking. But in life talking about emotions HONESTLY WITH NO BS is a skill you must learn if you ever want a mature realtionship with another guy.

    Good luck.
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    Mar 04, 2008 2:16 AM GMT
    snaps and head nods to the two responses...
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Mar 04, 2008 3:08 AM GMT
    There is no definite TIME where a buzzer goes off and you come out with your true feelings
    Is 2 months too soon ... No
    Your feelings depend on your feelings
    if you enjoy being with him
    There you go ... enjoy it for what it is
    I'd be careful about the "how sad he makes you feel"
    I'd watch that if I were you
    But if this is your first "real" emotional relationship
    it's going to feel scary
    be careful of the love thing ... just tell him that you really like being with him
    and let it just happen
    you'll know when it gets deeper
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    Mar 04, 2008 4:22 AM GMT
    oh love...
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Mar 04, 2008 4:38 AM GMT
    Hi Pat, first don't rush into things. I know right now your in that haze of a brand new relationship, you get excited when it's him calling on the phone or you can't stand the anticipation of knowing your going to see him later in the day. It's very exciting, enjoy it. If your fortunate enough to last over a year, I would say you really have something there, give it time and try not to totally envelope eachother, you both still need your own spaces, and please don't even think about moving in together atleast before a year has passed. I have been where you are Pat, this is a time of your life to savor, later this experiance will form the blueprints for the rest of your life and all your relationships that will follow.

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    Mar 04, 2008 7:58 AM GMT
    You are just a pup, and are probably over thinking things. I am old enough to be your dad and I still over think things But relationships are like anything else. You get better at it with more experience. I think more often than not first relationships are experimental and usually don't pan out long term.

    Its really no big deal. If you are hesitant it is because you have so many questions and pieces of the puzzle to fill in. Don't be in such a hurry, the answers will come to you. When it comes to letting people know how you feel, show them with actions before words.
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    Mar 04, 2008 9:53 AM GMT
    Hey Patsfan,

    I'm in an almost exact situation as yourself. And yes, I sometimes/a lot of time, actually, overthink/worry about things.

    I will also add that this is my first relationship type thing.

    I've been seeing/dating a guy for roughly two months too, well, since Nov last year. I used to see him every weekend until recently. We live an hour apart by train, so I always took the train up to see him. And yeah, we went to great restaurants, and he showed places in the city, and talked a lot about his family and their connection to it etc..

    Every dinner at his apartment or country house would be candles, linen, music, wine/champange..the works. And yes, we were intimate too.

    I was away for 4 weeks over christmas, and we emailed and texted every few days. When I came back, he introduced me to two long time gay friends of his and their boyfriends. ALso said he'd introduce me to his dad one day.

    We both said we liked each other etc.. He told me I was special and unique. He has a busy work life, and I know it can get stressful, and hours can be long.

    Not long ago, I noticed a pattern..he seems to only want to see me every other week. The first time, I was sad of course, and for a couple of times after that. Maybe he just wants some space/time alone, and he used to call or text. That gradually became less, and the nature of his texts seem different. Now, he sometimes doesn't respond to my texts.

    Last weekend, I found out that he wasn't out in the country when he said he was. Let's just say I had a feeling inside for a while now that made me feel things were different.

    He doesn't have a computer or internet out there, yet he was online on a dating/hookup site(the site through which I first met him) around the time he was supposed to be out there having dinner with the neighbours!

    I've also discovered he has profiles on a few other such sites.

    What's worse, I created another profile, went online, and he messaged me(that profile), and asked if I wanted dinner, wine etc. Seems like he's been doing this for quite some time.

    Anyway, I've found out a few other things about him. He claims that he has never been in love, because he doesn't know what love is, I am just one of the guys he has seen more of in recent months, and that he considers himself single and not in a relationship, and hopes to meet the man who will accept him as he is(I thought I already did!)

    Patsfan, what does he do that makes you so sad? Maybe it's something to look at carefully.

    I didn't want to believe my instinct/feeling, and brushed it away as paranoia/insecurity, and hoped it was..but turns out i wasn't too far wrong.

    I hope things turn out well and happy for you and your man.

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    Mar 04, 2008 10:24 AM GMT
    You're way too young (and I mean way, way, way too young) to be stressing about a long term relationship.

    Enjoy this relationship for as long as it makes you happy and then move on to the next guy.

    You still have lots of frogs to kiss before you find your Prince Charming.
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    Mar 04, 2008 2:31 PM GMT
    Haha, two things. No, three things. In a few years, you're gonna look back on all this and say, "Ohhhh, that's what they meant...." Cue up the Circle of Life, boys.

    Where was I. Ah, yes. My mother gave me some very sage advice when I got into my very first serious relationship. "I know you're in love and everything is wonderful, but just remember not to lose yourself."

    Second....well, this says it all:

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    Mar 04, 2008 3:39 PM GMT
    I dont know about this one but it scares the shit out of me when someone says "you want to be boyfriends?" or "I love you" on the first date WTF?!
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    Mar 04, 2008 10:41 PM GMT
    The resident old-married here...38 years and counting. Hopefully I can remember some of the feelings and can shed some light on your questions and your dilemma.

    Two months is a very short time to start talking LTR. You're still in the throes of hasn't even raised its head yet. That's may be causing some of your sadness...he makes you feel so good you don't want to be without him. Sometimes that want can turn to need and can feel very oppressive to the other party. My partner and I have always tried to give each other some private time and personal space. Sometimes it's a lot of time and a lot of space that's needed. Allowing him your trust to be on his own without needing to be with him or hearing from him constantly is a big deal.

    On the other hand, that early passion can eventually evolve into love. We exchanged rings at the sixth week of constant togetherness...really a stupid move...we hardly knew each other. We began living together after four months...another stupid move...we still didn't know each other...but we were in "LOVE". was still lust.

    When did it/does the passion and lust turn to love? I'm not sure I can tell you. I don't know that one ends and the other takes over or if they overlap, or even if there might be a gap between one and the other. I would guess that every relationship is a little different. Eventually, the hot, crazy sex (what we often mistake for love)slows down and you wonder if the relationship is over...some people do end their relationships then, thinking without the hot passionate sex, there is nothing (check out a movie called's a story of two guys who had terrible sex together but still had a great relationship...I know, it was a fantasy.)...but, that's when being friends and wanting to live your life together becomes very important. I can tell you I'm in love now, and for me it keeps getting better. I cannot imagine my life without him.

    You asked: "In a gay relationship, is it hard for two guys to become extremely close very quickly (we're both masculine and don't do the whole PDA thing but we are both OUT)?
    Is there always some type of gay divide that makes us all a little (or overly) hesitant about depending on someone and making them your life?"

    I'm not sure that has as much to do with being gay, as it does with being male...hesitant to commit; always looking for the next best/hunkiest piece of________. As to the gay part, you just haven't had as much experience as your straight counterparts in dating, going steady, etc.

    "Is this just what all relationships are like?" I think so. Relationships begin with a lot of this the one?...should I tell him how much I like him?...or will that run him off, because I'm moving too fast? Stop worrying, and just enjoy the ride. Talk to him; tell him what you're feeling. If it runs him off, he wasn't THE ONE. Don't play games. Don't say/do things just because you think he wants you to.

    Good luck and best wishes.