Ask Joe, giving bad advice?

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  Oct 06, 2010 3:38 PM GMT

  Does anyone else think that Ask Joe is giving bad advice? And why would anyone ask him anyway, when they can get multiple opinions here?
  
  younger (22m) guy who was having a long distance relationship with an older guy and was planning to make a move to be with him, but the older guy had an accident and lost a limb and joe advised that he should probably not make the move because the older guy might have some emotional problems as a result.
  
  I thought this was ludicrous. IMHO you don't stop loving somebody just because they get sick, lose a limb, or whatever.
  
  I had a long distance relationship with a younger (18m) man who moved from the east coast to live with me, and he was the greatest love of my life while we were together, and beyond.
  
  Does anyone else think Joe's advice is flawed?
  

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  Oct 06, 2010 3:43 PM GMT

  I'd have to see Joe's original text.

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  Oct 06, 2010 3:48 PM GMT

  I thought the same thing, Cas, so I did a lil poking around and found it.
  
  Here:
  
  
  Hi Joe,
  I'm 22 and in a long-distance relationship with a 27-year-old. I live in Canada and he lives in Florida. I have plans to move in with him and his young son once I complete my career training up here in about a year. I am out to my family and close friends and my parents know of my relationship. My boyfriend was recently hurt on the job and has taken a turn for the worse, requiring amputation of a limb. Things are very up in the air right now, but he feels that I should not want him anymore, that I need someone "whole". I love this man and can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. He's pulling away from me as his surgery date nears. What can I do from way up here to convince him otherwise? My mom is telling me I need to find someone up here, but I have never had luck with that. I don't want another man, I just want my man. He has abandonment issues, so he thinks that one day I will leave him for someone else. How do I show that I'm not going to leave him?
  
  —Not Running Away
  
  Hey Not Running,
  I’m sorry to hear about your boyfriend. That is a bad break for him, you and his son. I’m not sure how extensive the injury is, but with proper exercise and physical therapy (and of course love and support) he should be able to find some balance in his life.
  
  If you stay in relationship with him you will probably have more challenges with his emotional injury than with the physical. The trauma of the accident, the feeling of no longer being whole, the fear that you will eventually leave him, are all factors that are going to color how much he is going to open to you at this time. If you are up for it, you are in for a big challenge. But if you truly love him and you think it is worth it, I think you should give it a try.
  
  I do think that his injury should have an influence on your decision to move to Florida. I don’t think it is a yes/no question. Do you go to Florida or not? I would recommend you consider adjusting your plans to include a transition phase. Since you don’t know how he is going to react, and you also don’t know how things will be, when you get there, how about you travel to him for one week out of the month for a half a year to see how it goes?
  
  He shouldn’t take this as you pulling away, but on the contrary, you being proactive to give yourself the space to create a place in the lives of him and his son, and also to give him the chance to see that you are serious about your commitment to him. This will create more stability for you, a chance to get to know his son, and more certainty for him that he can trust you.
  
  This is just one way to approach it. I hope you find a way that honors your feelings and needs as well as his.
  
  Good luck to you, brave man,
  —Joe

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  Oct 06, 2010 5:45 PM GMT

  Well I guess its not a bad response..... just a bad haircut!
  

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  Oct 06, 2010 5:50 PM GMT

  That doesn't sound bad. It is just advice, after all. Not a court order. The guy can think thru what Joe said. I personally wouldn't like the one week aonth bit. But IT'S JUST ADVICE. Do with it as you please.

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  Oct 06, 2010 6:33 PM GMT

  Thanks for providing the full story meninlove.
  
  It sounds like Joe gave some very good advice. The guy that was in an accident is pulling away from the other guy, and this is not a good way to start a life together.
  
  Joe is simply telling him that the dynamics have changed dramatically. In light of the change in the situation he should take it slow and see if the relationship is salvageable. He never tells the guy to give up on the guy who had the accident, just that he needs to be cautious in light of the attitude change.
  
  It might be fear of abandonment issues or it could be his own insecurities about the relationship, none of this is clear.
  
  In any case it is very difficult to move miles away from your home to be with someone who is putting up walls and trying to shut you out.
  
  It is great to be in love, but no matter how hard you try you can't force someone to love you back. The guy that is moving needs to be sure that he will not get there and be dumped.
  
  
  
  

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