Need some advice

  • tongun18

    Posts: 593

    Oct 06, 2010 8:48 PM GMT
    I'm not normally one to bear my soul in a public forum, but I've been struggling with a decision lately and would appreciate some input. This is a bit long winded but you kinda need the back story. Here goes:

    Around the end of my senior year in high school I had made the decision to come out. Before I was able to act on my decision and while the rest of my family was out of the house, my father literally cornered me, looked me square in the eyes and in an even and cold voice said, "Don't you ever even think about bringing that into this family. You know what I'm talking about." It was the only time in my life I ever truly feared my father.

    Ever since I hit 12 my father and I had had a bit of a combative relationship but we were, for the most part, good with one another. After that day, things got much much worse. We didn't speak or look at one another unless it was to shout at each other at the top of our lungs; twice, we very nearly got into fist fights. My mom and sisters didn't know what the hell was going on.

    For weeks my mom kept trying to figure out what happened between us but she wasn't getting an answer from either of us. Then she figured it out. Again, while the rest of the family was gone, my mom sat me down and asked, "Mijo, are you gay?" I said no. Now she was the one looking me square in the eyes and she said, "It's ok if you are, just tell me." I wanted to cry. But I chickened out instead, again I repeated "No" and walked away. I stayed in the closet.

    A few months later I moved out. I kept in contact with my mom and sisters but not my dad. At family gatherings we generally just avoided one another.

    A few years later, when I was about 21-22, my grandparents had finally had enough. They didn't know what was going on but asked that I try to reconcile with my father (I later found out they were pretty stern with my father and basically told him to quit being an ass). I have never in my life refused a request from my grandparents, so I reluctantly agreed to try to make amends with my father.

    At first, my father and I could only muster an uneasy detente, the bare minimum to comply with my grandparents request. But after some time we both seemed to ease up. By the time I was 25 we were back to being father and son. We talk, he hugs me, tells me he loves me and is proud of me and the man I've become. And I'm glad he's my father, I'm proud of him and love him too.

    There's still this looming specter though. Does my fathers change in attitude mean he's come to terms with me being gay or has he simply chosen to "forget" about it? I'm out to some people but am still not out to my family. I'm done with that, I've kept my mouth shut for about 10 years now and that's gotta change.

    When I initially started this post, I wanted advice on what to do, how to handle the situation. But the catharsis of typing this out (I've never discussed this with anyone before) seems to have brought a bit of clarity. I know what needs to be done for me to have the life I want. I just hope my father, and the rest of my family, are willing to be part of that life.

    I think I'll go ahead and post this after all. Maybe others can get something out of this or can share their similar experiences.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Oct 06, 2010 10:04 PM GMT
    If it's any consolation it sounds like you have handled things very well.
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    Oct 06, 2010 10:21 PM GMT
    Cheers dude. Do what needs being done.

    That fear that you feel will haunt you for the rest of your life if you don't deal with it. I'm not recommending a confrontation, just doing what you need to do to rid yourself of having to hide who you are. IMO, a parent's silence on their child's sexuality is invalidating, no matter what the age.

    You should pick up a book called "The Velvet Rage". A fair amount of the book deals with gay men, their relationship with their fathers, and the process of coming to terms with a complete and authentic identity. It did the trick for me.

    Dax
  • tongun18

    Posts: 593

    Oct 06, 2010 10:57 PM GMT
    @Eric

    Thanks. I'm not sure I agree but I appreciate the support :-)

    @Dax

    Thanks to you as well, I'll definitely check out the book. I hope I can avoid confrontation too, I don't want that air of hostility to come back into my family's life.
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    Oct 07, 2010 12:01 AM GMT
    Whatever you do, don't let him catch you in bed with another dude...unless you're ready to physically defend yourself.
    That's how my dad found out. icon_lol.gif
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Oct 07, 2010 1:11 AM GMT
    Homophobia's new definition is "the fear and hatred of one's own homosexual tendencies." I think your dad doth protest too much, as Shakespeare said. I bet he had a guy on the side while that was going on. In real life, people are not like soap opera people, always knowing what to say. They're more like the actors on Jersey Shore, trying to make the best with a script and a situation that isn't in the script, and yelling and swearing and making threats to cover up that they don't know what to do.Maybe too many metaphores there, but Dad is bi and closeted is what I'm saying.
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    Oct 07, 2010 1:32 AM GMT
    barriehomeboy saidHomophobia...Dad is bi and closeted is what I'm saying.


    that crossed my mind too
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    Oct 07, 2010 1:38 AM GMT
    I'm in the same situation, but my parents only asked few times if I'm gay, I didn't answer them, it's like once I'm went out for a date, then my dad called and ask where I am, I said im at the beach, then he asked who with, I said a friend, he asked if my friend a boy or a girl, I said a boy, then he saiy is he gay? That just shocked me, I just return it back like: you are the one went out with a gay friend, then we both laught. The thing is it's so hard for my culture accept me, my family and most of friends will banish me, I don't know what to do, sometimes I really do want come out and live the way I want, but I'm so scared my parents bunish me. They are great ppl, rise me up, support me all the time, it's so hard for me to hurt them. Sometime im telling myself I can't be that selfish to consider my life over theirs. I'm so confused. My friend told me I can still have the life I want without come out, but I don't wan live my life in a lie. I need help =(
    icon_cry.gificon_cry.gificon_cry.gif
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    Oct 07, 2010 1:40 AM GMT
    Sorry, brother but I wonder sometimes why we need to analyze the shit out of everything that passes us in life. Sometimes it's just ok to say the stars realigned in your dad's life and he got his shit together and realized what a fuck he was to you. Why do you need any more than that? You have rekindled your love for each other...don't go poking sticks at the lion,,,feel blessed and be grateful......Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Oct 07, 2010 1:43 AM GMT
    I don't know if this helps at all but it seems that with most guys that come out, their parents come around; if not immediately then after some time. This isn't always the case though and some parents never accept that a child is gay. Still, as a general rule, I think it is better to be upfront and honest about it - at least then everything is out in the open and you can go on from there. Just my opinion.
  • tongun18

    Posts: 593

    Oct 08, 2010 5:00 PM GMT
    @ lovalot

    Thanks man, that is something very easy to forget from time to time, that our parents are people too. When we're young they're basically gods watching over us, caring for us. It's easy to forget that they are fallible, and that despite appearances sometimes they're just as lost as we are.

    @barrie

    You assume too much with too little information. Keep in mind, I've left out a lot of details for brevity's sake. For instance, I am responsible for initiating the potential fist fights--not my father. Also, it took me a long time to even acknowledge being gay, let alone be comfortable enough to decide to come out. If it took me so long to adjust I cannot expect my father--or anyone for that matter--to immediately accept and be comfortable with it.

    And I take exception to someone with a Hidden/Deleted member profile calling someone else out, whoever posted below you.

    @ vetteset

    I hear you, I do tend to over-analyze sometimes but I think this is a valid time for me to do so icon_smile.gif We did find our way back to good terms with one another but my concern is how/why? Is it because he's accepted it? Or, is it because he's "forgotten" about it as long as I keep my mouth shut? Will coming out to my family be poking the lion with a stick? That's my concern.

    Maybe sashaman is right though, maybe it is best to be honest about it regardless of the out come...

    @withlove

    I'm sorry my friend, we seem to find ourselves in similar situations. There's little I can offer you to help other than my support. I will say this: if your parents are asking if you're gay, maybe it's a sign they are trying to establish a line of communication with you and are accepting of you as is. I wish I had responded differently when I was asked the question.

  • Geoedward

    Posts: 657

    Oct 08, 2010 5:37 PM GMT
    tongun18
    It sounds like you have come to the right conclusion. It is never easy but it is better to be honest with yourself and your family. I remember living two lives before I came out. It will tear you up trying to be yourself with the people that know about you and then living as the person you feel you dad wants you to be. You have to be true to yourself. He will come around if he already hasn't. Good Luck my friend!