Would not being "Out" turn you away from dating a guy?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2010 12:14 AM GMT
    So... I want to see what a majority of you say.

  • 2pusosl

    Posts: 38

    Oct 10, 2010 12:16 AM GMT
    Unfortunately yes. It has happend a few times (especially when the other person vehemently insists on it).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2010 12:18 AM GMT
    It depends. I think I could understand the fears of not being out to family. I would never date a person who isn't out to their friends
  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Oct 10, 2010 1:27 AM GMT
    I'v dated a few guys who werent out and it was rather odd at times...but i'd do it all again.......
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Oct 10, 2010 2:55 AM GMT
    It would deter me, unless the guy was amazing and then some. I'm not going back into the closet for anyone, and that's what dating someone in closet essentially forces you to do in many situations.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Oct 10, 2010 2:56 AM GMT
    nahhhhhhhhhh
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Oct 10, 2010 3:02 AM GMT
    No, of course not.....there are discreet ways of dating and there are always different circumstances for different guys. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2010 4:47 AM GMT
    Nope. Its may not be ideal, but it's not a deal breaker.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2010 4:50 AM GMT
    Depends on how much it interfered with us.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2010 4:53 AM GMT
    It depends. If the guy had just found out he was gay I may consider it. After all, I remember how difficult it was to come out to myself first.

    But it was fucking difficult for me to come out to myself, to my friends, to my family. It has been difficult to have to stand up against homophobia. It has been difficult to work for our civil rights. I have earned the right to enjoy the company of gay men because I have worked for it. Closeted guys who purposely stay in the closet without good reason have not earned anything, least of all my time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2010 4:57 AM GMT
    Can someone define "in the closet" please?

    Or more importantly. What is out of the closet. What constitutes that? Are there like certain requirements to be out of the closet?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2010 5:00 AM GMT
    depends on how deep?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2010 5:13 AM GMT
    yes
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2010 5:17 AM GMT
    ehh i used to hate it when guys i dated when i was closeted turned me down for it, but i can see why they would, it can cause a mess in a relationship when you constantly have to lie to people about the person youre with.

    my 2 cents.
  • bryjeepguy

    Posts: 186

    Oct 10, 2010 5:24 AM GMT
    Sylas saidCan someone define "in the closet" please?

    Or more importantly. What is out of the closet. What constitutes that? Are there like certain requirements to be out of the closet?


    Technically if you are out of the closet, there are people that know you are gay. But its more complicated than that, you might be out of closet with family but closeted at work so your family knows you are gay but not out at work. And by not out, I mean that if it ever comes up in conversation you deter conversation or just lie about your status. That said you can be out but not be out and proud, like you could tell people you are gay but don't go actively telling people Hi I'm Blank, I'm Gay, but if it ever come up you truthfully say you are gay. That said I am not saying you aren't proud of your gayness if you don't wear it around just saying out and proud typically refers to being outspoken about their being out.

    Things are often best explained in hypothetical situations:

    If you are comfortable with PDA: Assume you are on a date with a guy (first, second, third whatever) and a friend/family member/or coworker sees you, what would you say to that person about who your date is. If you blatantly lie and make a cover story about who it is etc, you are way in the closet. If you say its a guy and you are on a date, you are obviously out. If you say he is a friend, you are either in the closet or out but with modesty or embarrassed like if it was your mother who saw you on a first date with a guy lol.

    Lets assume now that you have been seeing the guy for 6 months its getting close to holidays, and family get together and holidays. You are invited to the office Christmas party, do you bring him along and be out to your coworkers, do you go alone. If you go alone and a cute girl hits on you in front of your coworkers do you play along so you can stay in the closet or dismiss it and say sorry I'm gay. Say that you spending two weeks at family for Christmas and he wants to share it with you, do you go as a couple, if so do you tell the family he is boyfriend or do you say he is a friend, and if he is living with you by now would you say he is just a roommate.

    These situations can go on and on, there is no firm line really but its about what you feel comfortable with, and in general, being out is mostly about not keeping secrets from friends and family about who we are and the people in our lives. That said, you don't have to go advertise on TV when you are out, or even be into PDA to be out, there is modesty in this world so if you don't want to hold his hand or kiss him you don't have to but you can still be out, but not holding his hand or kiss him because he is a guy in public (assuming you aren't in homophobic area and afraid for safety) but would hold a girls hand or kiss her in public then you probably in the closet. If there was a line that divides out and not out then it would be with same moral compass, ethical views, and feeling on PDA and what not, would your behavior change significantly if your were heterosexual with a girl in these and many other situations or homosexual with a guy in these and many other situations, if your behavior would significantly change then you are probably in the closet, if it wouldn't then you probably out
  • mynyun

    Posts: 1346

    Oct 10, 2010 5:27 AM GMT
    I want to say no but I believe yes. I would turn them down. Being gay in the first place can cause some stress depending on location & etc. But added stress of trying to maintain a relationship in secret.? That is double stress to me.

    Constantly lying to others about it and trying to keep up with the lies. I have actually dated and lived with someone who wasn't out to all of his family. It wasn't easy and it can get ugly when said family finds out.

    I can't account for the future but I would avoid dating someone still in the closet. Unless they are trying to come out.


    ..............Or if it's just unbridled, wild sex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2010 5:28 AM GMT
    Sylas saidCan someone define "in the closet" please?

    Or more importantly. What is out of the closet. What constitutes that? Are there like certain requirements to be out of the closet?


    Define it as you'd like... "closed," "half opened," "fully opened," etc.

    "In the closet" means that you aren't acknowledging that you are bi/gay to the people you care about the most, whether that be family, friends, co-workers,etc. It could be for a variety of different reasons.

    To me "out" means essentially the people who mean something to you know and you wouldn't be trying to hide it, but at the same time you wouldn't always need to show it on full display.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2010 5:30 AM GMT
    I won't be friends with,be lovers with and go out on dates with closeted gay
    men at all.That's because you can't be yourself with them at all.I'm out &
    proud.I won't go back in the closet ever.Most of my relatives know I'm gay.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2010 5:32 AM GMT
    BIGBUBBA1972 saidI won't be friends with,be lovers with and go out on dates with closeted gay
    men at all.That's because you can't be yourself with them at all.I'm out &
    proud.I won't go back in the closet ever.Most of my relatives know I'm gay.


    So what do you think of gay guys who say they are looking to do stuff (and not just sexual things either) with other masculine guys?

    You can be out and discreet, or is that not possible?
  • FredMG

    Posts: 988

    Oct 10, 2010 5:33 AM GMT
    Depends on the individual. But dating a closeted guy always seems to be a lot of work and kind of an emotional drain for me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2010 5:34 AM GMT
    What do you mean by discreet?What are discreet guys?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2010 5:36 AM GMT
    No, it would not prevent me from dating him. It may (or may not) prevent a real relationship from completely forming, but it would depend on circumstances. Each person and each situation is different. I'd have to see how things went. I don't judge each situation based solely on fixed ideas. You lose a lot of opportunity that way. Fortunately for me, I don't see in only pure black or pure white. Unfortunately, many other people seem to.

    In some situations it's appropriate to maintain privacy and discretion. I try to use good judgment based on current circumstances. I also would never say I am "out and proud" because my sexuality is not only personal, I don't think it's some to be either proud or ashamed of, it just is what it is. I have never understood why so many homosexual men insist on asserting pride for something they should never have been ashamed of in the first place. But, that seems to be the sequence of attitude development - shame originally, then insistence on the assertion of pride. It seems like an unnecessary act of justification to me. Why not just be? A great philosopher once said, "the right way to be, is to BE." Being who you really are is not wrong and never was.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2010 5:36 AM GMT
    BIGBUBBA1972 saidWhat do you mean by discreet?What are discreet guys?


    Guys who are out to friends and family, but don't show their "gay" side out of the house or private residence.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2010 5:37 AM GMT
    I tried to be close friends with closeted guys in the past and it was very stressful for me.I couldn't be myself around them in public places at all.
    They are too secretive for me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2010 5:41 AM GMT
    I'm not into straight acting gay men at all.I'm not a straight acting gay
    man at all and I'm still a masculine gay man.Straight acting guys are
    guys who act straight when they are not really straight.Straight acting
    guys to me are closeted guys.