Feeling so tired nowday..........anyone can help?

  • torterry

    Posts: 14

    Oct 10, 2010 12:56 PM GMT
    hello,everyone.this is my first time post anything here.i see many people do it when they have problems.so maybe some of your guys may help me out.(Ps:if show up that have any spelling problem,hope you excuse me icon_razz.gif)

    here is my problems, that i start to feeling very trired everyday,espeically my emotion.i had been analyzed myself what's going on,i think it's related couple things that i listed up.i know the reason,but i just don't know what to do any more.hope you guy can give me some ideas

    1.Family:my family is not that kind of the love appearning family.which mean that wedon't usually say "i love you" or something like that.and we are very modern family compare with other chinese families.so i decided come out to them in 18 y.o.before i came out,my mon and i,we were more like a bff together.she always will come to me if she need some knowledge,or some emo share.but since the day i came out,she was the onlyone in my familys cursed me so much,she said"i usually laugh at these kind out people and they should go to hell..."something like this,and i said:"yes,when you are laughtingi was crying,and we have the right to live..."etc..my mother she is a very good person.and she is a very strong mind women.my other family member accepted it kinda in the free mind,i was so suprised that my father told me that just be who i am.and he deal with it so calm.they allowed that i take my bf to home.and welcome him come over,but the air still fill with wired,but still since i came out,our relationship is geting distant(we original not that close anyway)for very long time,if not necessary,we never spoken.or everytime we speak,we fight.but most of time i will called her when is her bday or mother's day.what she said i will always remember,but i choosed that to forgive what she said,because i just don't want to keep the hate in family.thing are getting better from that last time i had a breaking moment with her.i was crying and telling her,if you like this then keep fighting with me,but i just so tired with this,so if you still hate and look down at me so much then i will choose to leave..."we had the really coversation form very long time after.since then she become more acceptable,sometime she will have ask me out,even i said i will take my bf with me.but nowday she got the problem again,last time i went to her store to see her,she ask me why don't never bring any female friends come over.and you should can get married with them,and...then i was angry again,i just simplely tell her"you know why,and accepted it"i so tire with that...it's just make me don't want to go this "home"anymore,she never change.other members they just don't ask don't tell.(i came out more than 5 years already)

    2.Friends: friendship is very impontant to me.but here is the problem,when they need me,they will always call me when i need them,and call any one of them ,they just like don't care or saying that i am being a diva .i have many straight friends too,but they just don't understand the gay world,and they always have so many problems to share with me.and evny me that i always so happy(they thought i happy only because they won't listen to me).the city i living in is a very open-minding city,so people all accept the gay things.at least in my friends group.i have gays friends too.most of they are forginers.some of them really are my bff.but some of them went back their countries already.or some of them not really that friends to talk about anything emo.with chinese friends is my biggest problem.i don't really have have the chinese tranditional culture thing in me since my family never teach me anyand we living in the modern city.and most of chinese is in the closet(95%).i had try very hard to be friends with them.but they always sad and saythey hate their life,i just can't heard it anymore.sometime they even disgusted me so much(like some who is married and say they are so sad and then next sentence,"can you have sex with me".and since i get into relationship it's make it harder.these days i hang out with my good firends(chinese love white guy).my friends enjoy the times with me,but they always we have some chinese come and try to get my friends away,even my friends reject,but some of them they enjoy iteveryone like to feel being popular,but in the end make me feel very bad.like be abandon.and then i walk home alone icon_sad.gif i usually like dancing(my bf is not a party person,he hate dancing) ,but for very long time i just don't like go to club anymore,it's only make me feel bad.and inconfidence.but my friends always ask me go there.i just so tired to explane myself and no one listening.nowday,i become so careless,i said "i don't care" more often and agressive.not happy about myself now.don't like this "me".

    and the biggest problem that really make me feeling low and tired now is i really feel that i don't belong here.althought i felt that ways for very long already,i have goal and believeing gays.was full of the passion to do every,and change everything.but the more i know,the less i know.slowly slowly everything become so pointless.i have heard so many stories,people get together,get lost and get up,and sreach again,seem never end.i still searching for the happy place.and still beliveing my spanish friends told me that"life is wonderful"i still want to believe.the more i search,the more sadness i found,the more hate be discover.so sad to read any news nowday.sometime my tears just come out,i don't even know.i think i just too lonely.the world is so big,and i so small..,seem no place for me......icon_cry.gifwant to leave this place ,but seem like every happening the same thing,then where can i go?

    i guess basically these what make me feel tired.of crouse the more reality things too.like we move out together,the jobs thing ,two of my good friends from high school dead by accidence.....also tried to focus on something ,learn a new language,make myself busy.but once i have time to sit down ,it just simplely get me again.the main problem here,that i feel sooo lonely.and still trying,but i get more tired ...i proud of that came out thing, i was trying make the life better.and it's work in some way.but it seem like messing up now.
    pls,anyone can give me some ideas? i tired that being like this for a while already.tired of this sadness and madness..tired to be tired.

    PS:how you guys gain your confidence?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2010 1:16 PM GMT
    This may seem insensitive.........but


    You make choices everyday, Decide to be happy.