"Dear _________" thread

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2010 2:58 AM GMT
    This is an opportunity for you to write a public letter about anything. I'll start off with a few:


    Dear Janitor,

    While I was pooping and you were cleaning the stall next to me, why were you laughing, snapping your fingers, and flushing the toilet multiple times?

    Love,
    I hope it wasn't a fetus



    Dear Log Republicans,

    The only thing in your way now is Obama.

    Love,
    Repealing DADT



    Dear Israel,

    Why can't you go back to Poland?

    Love,
    Palestine


    Re: Dear Israel,

    Good point. Why can't America go back to Europe and Africa?

    Love,
    Israel


    Re: Re: Dear Israel,

    Whatever dude. At least my nose isn't as big.

    Love,
    Palestine


  • tongun18

    Posts: 593

    Oct 15, 2010 3:41 AM GMT
    hahahaha, good stuff! Here's one:

    Dear Ann Coulter,

    Why the horse face?

    Love,
    A Concerned Bar Tender
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2010 3:45 AM GMT
    Dear Stephen Harper.

    WE HAVE RUN OUT OF SPRAY PAINT AND INDUSTRIAL GRADE EXPOY FOR YOUR HAIR!

    From you aide.

    PS Those files you wanted destroyed got caught in the paper shredder. Maintenance is on it, but we will need to kill them afterwards.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2010 3:48 AM GMT
    Dear Democrats,

    You can relax. The LCR have gotten the job done.

    hearts and kisses,

    Gay America

    P.S. Please take us off your donation list,
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2010 4:03 AM GMT
    Dear Google Voice,

    I'm starting to really loathe how slow you are to send SMS messages from your web interface, how often I have to wait 30 - 45 minutes to receive a message from your service, and how poor your mobile app is. You're letting me down, Google.

    Sincerely,

    - Veins In Forehead Pulsing With Frustration
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2010 4:24 AM GMT
    Dear Stupid People,

    Aww fuck it. You wouldn't read it anyway.

    Love,

    K. Thx. Bai.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2010 11:40 AM GMT
    Dear patio bike thief,

    Give me my fncking bike back!

    Your's truely,
    Angery gay bitch.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2010 11:53 AM GMT
    Dear Thursday-Appearing-Pimple,

    Fuck you, you've ruined my weekend.

    With my deepest affection,
    Cock-blocked
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2010 12:38 PM GMT
    Dear management,

    Did you see me come into work last night? Oh, you thought I worked huh? So did I until I checked my schedule. Low and be hold, I had requested vacation for that night/day and had forgotten. Your attempts to persuade me to stay were in vain as I was elated to leave and go home to whore it up on Realjock for the rest of the night.

    Your caring worker,
    fuckyouverymuchkins.


    ____________________________________
    Dear upstairs rhinos,

    I don't appreciate the bowling marathons you apparantly partake in at all times of the day while I try to sleep. It is typically good manners to not drop your bowling ball on the floor, or for that matter, go body surfing across it.

    Your loving downstairs neighbor,
    Ace Ventura


    ____________________________________
    Dear uncle,

    You are disgusting. You make the most obsciene noises, watch too much titty action online, fuck up our computers with viruses and trojans because you oogle too much vajayjay on xtube, leave nasty messes in MY clucking bathroom, make the apartment smell like piss when you don't flush the toilet, don't wash your hands after using the bathroom (which is why I DIDN'T eat the salad YOU made with your hands), have a serious gambling problem, and just plain inconsiderate. I can't wait till you fucking leave.

    Lovelying,
    the ungrateful sonofabitch.

    P.S. I don't hate you, you just fucking gross me out and annoy the hell out of me.
  • disasterpiece

    Posts: 2991

    Oct 15, 2010 7:04 PM GMT
    Dear Canadian Conservative Party,

    Good luck with the next election, fuckers. Hahahaha !

    Love,
    UN Security Council

    ---

    Dear RealJock,

    Are you taking money ? I'm spending the week in your city, you should come to my hotel room. I'll be waiting for you, lying on my bed, like a creepy fuck.

    Love,
    Manhunt

    ---

    Dead Disasterpiece,

    Go to bed, you fucking asshole, can't you see I'm trying to fight a flu ? Give me a hand, you stupid dumbfuck !

    Love,
    Disasterpiece's Immune System.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11821

    Oct 15, 2010 7:26 PM GMT
    Dear President Obama,

    U.S. gays are truly sorry....We thought you understood how it feels living in our society as a minority....

    Sincerely......The fucked Over Gay cast offs
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2010 10:52 PM GMT
    Dear Terrible Inconsiderate Driver,
    That line of cars behind you were not tailgating you because we like your car. I am so grateful that your fucking cell phone conversation was more important to you than driving the speed limit.

    Besos y abrazos,
    The driver behind you going 20 below the speed limit

    Dear SUV Bitch,
    Thanks for blocking the parking lot exit while you waited for the traffic light (on the main street) to turn green and the turning lane to allow you in. Not everybody was making a left, love, and some of us would have loved to have made that right. You also could have made a right, and gone around. But alas, we had to wait for you.

    Thanks so much,
    Angry Driver
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 16, 2010 1:05 AM GMT
    Dear Thread,

    These posts are all amazing.

    Love,
    Everyone

    p.s. MORE!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 16, 2010 1:08 AM GMT
    Hilarious... needed a good laugh
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 16, 2010 1:18 AM GMT
    Dear cloudy with no chance of rain,
    Im so sorry that you were trampled by cloudy with a 50% chance of rain, and then cloudy with a 100% chance of rain, in rapid succession. Alas, I was trapped outside doing electrical. In the rain. Next time, stand up for yourself!

    Love soggy grimey dude.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 16, 2010 1:25 AM GMT


    Dear Brett Favre


    And I didn't receive any pictures on my cell phone because.....????


    Avid Fan,

    Perry



    Dear IHOP


    I demand the change of your name because i cannot eat the very walls of which i dine in.

    Sincerely,

    Perry






  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 16, 2010 1:33 AM GMT
    Dear HB,

    Thank you very much for letting me go.
    It made me realize no matter how much hard work and talent I show, you bitches are never gonna give me what I want.
    On top of that, youd rather believe the lies that your fat whore of a manager who happened to be your bff told you, and you also believed what your skanky faggot asst manager told you about me, despite the fact that I have witnesses to what actually happened to prove it wasnt my fault, I was framed.
    I should sue the company for unlawful termination; besides, I need the money. Because of your stupidity my car got repoed, im filing bankruptcy, and I cant help my parents pay their bills since im their sole breadwinner.
    But I decided to take the high road and find some way to achieve a satisfying successful career and a much more rewarding life.
    Your asst manager on the other hand, is now taking your fat asses to court because of harrassment; clearly If you listened to me you wouldnt be in that situation youre in now.
    The Universe will take care of me, and it will certainly take care of you.
    So thank you very much for giving me freedom, Now go to hell. Kisses!

    Sincerely,
    The Lifer's Revenge
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 16, 2010 5:31 AM GMT
    Dear Interior Designers’
    Thank you for pushing hard wood floors, like crack.
    I f’ing hate them.
    I dream of the days when I could clean the floors in minutes; instead, I spend most of my life on my hands and knees…if that is what you wanted you could have just asked.
    Sincerely, Real Househusband of Texas.
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    Oct 16, 2010 5:41 PM GMT
    Dear Jimmy,

    Please go to bed.

    Sincerly, Jimmy

    ------------------------

    Dear Nick,

    I was surprised that your text messages were getting less frequent after the last time we were together and you said that next time we met up we should go camping. The pledges of meeting up soon never eventuated. I was so excited that you wanted to spend the weekend with me since all we do is have sex in hotel rooms (which is fine as well).

    I'm assuming it's because I cut my hair so I don't really look so feminine anymore and that you can't cover your arse when your co-workers have caught you dropping off / kissing an 'asian female' in the mornings at my local shopping centre carpark. I thought you would be better than that though I guess I should've known.
    If I'm mistaken about the reason of why you've stopped calling me, this would be why I stopped calling you. And I didn't think of calling you to ask for a reason because we entered this relationship with no expectations outside of sex and for all I knew, you weren't interested anymore.

    I really wanted it to work between us because I wanted a future with you beyond just screwing around if possible (a fuck buddy arrangement is all good too), you had helped me move on from a deeply traumatic break up.
    At this moment I feel pessimistic about life in general (been watching too many documentaries) and also my direction and I think of you on occasions where I reflect on moments I would like to rekindle. As much as I like to think that I don't have to rely on anyone, every now and again I realise I need others to make me feel something, you did it. The feeling that someone cares about me doesn't happen all too often. Does it seem like I'm reading into the sex too much? The way we did it couldn't be recreated if we weren't into each other passionately.
    Anyhow I'd be more than happy to catch up down the line, I'll leave it up to you, though it is kind of greedy of me to have had (in my opinion and my preference) four perfect men in my life so far icon_smile.gif

    Talk soon, Jimmy

    -------------------------

    Dear the guy above,

    Can you cut me a break and let me find a wallet or something? I know I keep saying that I want to earn my money but I go back on that so please drop something to the equivalent of $10 000 on me (figuratively speaking), maybe a lotto ticket or a wedding ring?

    I'm really desparate and will do a lot of things that I said I wouldn't do again if I keep going on like this. It's not a threat btw, it's survival.

    Cheers, Jimmy
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Oct 16, 2010 5:52 PM GMT
    Dear Heat -


    Lighten up!!!

    Love,

    Phoenix
    icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 16, 2010 6:02 PM GMT
    Dear Los Angeles,

    For Christ's sake give me a chance!

    Sincerely,
    New In Town
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 16, 2010 6:05 PM GMT
    Dear Deadlifter,

    Lowering the bar with control is part of the exercise, banging the weights on the floor repeatedly arent.

    just saying,

    All of us working out around you



    Dear Gym member,

    Singing a crapella along with your iPod sounds just like that, CRAP!

    just saying,

    All of us working out around you
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 16, 2010 6:13 PM GMT
    Dear God,

    I just read your infalliable Word, the Bible, and I was disgu.... Hello?

    HELLO!!!! *echo echo*

    Jesus? Zeus? Allah? Elvis? Oooo look Speghetti and Meatballs!

    .......


    Sincerely,

    Pastafari Christopher the 1st
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 16, 2010 7:19 PM GMT
    Dear Rain,

    Finally!

    Love,
    Los Angeles
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 17, 2010 12:28 AM GMT
    Dear god of O-Chem,

    What is the resonance hybrid of "methylpent-1-en-3-yne?"


    Sincerely,

    "My-god-damn-brain-hurts-from-studying-all-day"