How do I tell my brother I am bi?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 8:35 AM GMT
    So, guys I just signed up here, and the reason I did is because I feel guys here seem to care about their fellow men. Well I am bi (yes, I like both sexes and I couldn't pick one if asked). So, I understand and feel the hostility from a lot of gay men towards bi guys, and here is the problem that I am facing. All through my teen yrs, I went without messing around with guys much, but now that I am in my mid 20's I feel trapped. I could go on pretending I don't like men, but the thing is, lately I have found myself attracted to them more and more. My brother and I are roommates, and I am at the point where I feel I have to tell someone I like men, and I think he should be the first to know since we live in the same house. However, I am terrified that he will not react like I hope he will. I get along with him great, and if he rejected me, I'd be devastated...he is my best friend. So, how should I do this as painless as possible?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 9:10 AM GMT
    First off, congrats on deciding to make that first step out of the closet! icon_biggrin.gif
    There is no easy way to tell your brother. It's just going to take lots of courage.

    The most difficult part will be that that slight pause between the moment you say "I'm gay" and the moment your brother responds (that also goes for telling other friends and acquaintances). That one small moment can seem like an eternity, wondering what his response is going to be.

    Also, having an alternate place to stay temporarily "just in case" could help make the process easier...usually not necessary, but never a bad idea. Either way, even in a worst case scenario, you will feel better once you share your truth. Keep in mind that you've lived with this all your life...your brother will just be finding out...so if the reaction is negative, it does not mean he hates you. It means he hasn't had time to let it sink in. That could take days, weeks, months, or even years.

    I came out almost 20 years ago, and my brother still doesn't like it. He's the ONLY family member who has a problem with it. The rest of the family accepts me with no prejudice, except for my mom, who lovingly reminds me that I'm going to hell from time to time, and I lovingly remind her that I'm just going there to open the gates for her because she's going to be right there with me for judging me (good relationship with my mom, but we do argue sometimes).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 10:20 AM GMT
    Just do it)
  • TadPohl

    Posts: 259

    Oct 15, 2010 10:36 AM GMT


    OR

    *Sit him down and talk from your heart.
    *Don't have any expectations of what the outcome of your outing's gonna be like.
    *Let him process the information you just gave him. Be patient & understanding.
    *It's generally the case that your family already knows.
    *The only thing keeping them them from a confirmation is your acknowledgement that you're gay/ bi/ questioning and their ability to lose their preconceived ideas of who they wanted you to be.
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Oct 15, 2010 10:42 AM GMT
    JR84 saidSo, guys I just signed up here, and the reason I did is because I feel guys here seem to care about their fellow men. Well I am bi (yes, I like both sexes and I couldn't pick one if asked). So, I understand and feel the hostility from a lot of gay men towards bi guys, and here is the problem that I am facing. All through my teen yrs, I went without messing around with guys much, but now that I am in my mid 20's I feel trapped. I could go on pretending I don't like men, but the thing is, lately I have found myself attracted to them more and more. My brother and I are roommates, and I am at the point where I feel I have to tell someone I like men, and I think he should be the first to know since we live in the same house. However, I am terrified that he will not react like I hope he will. I get along with him great, and if he rejected me, I'd be devastated...he is my best friend. So, how should I do this as painless as possible?


    Do u speak English? Ur bro 2?
    "Hey, bro, I like guys as well as girls." PERIOD.
    Simple as that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 10:48 AM GMT
    Tangtastic said

    OR

    *Sit him down and talk from your heart.
    *Don't have any expectations of what the outcome of your outing's gonna be like.
    *Let him process the information you just gave him. Be patient & understanding.
    *It's generally the case that your family already knows.
    *The only thing keeping them them from a confirmation is your acknowledgement that you're gay/ bi/ questioning and their ability to lose their preconceived ideas of who they wanted you to be.



    Good advice! icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 10:55 AM GMT
    Tangtastic said
    That's very VERY similar to how my parents found out...ya know...by catching me in the act with a dude. icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 10:56 AM GMT
    Also remember that his first reaction may not reflect what really will happen in the weeks and months to come. YOU know you have been attracted to men for years.. he doesn't. He might react cooly or what you think is negative, but remember it will take time to settle in.

    Be prepared for a lot of questions if not right then, a few days later. He will ask you if you are the 'man or the woman?" "if you practice safe sex" and even might ask if you fantasize about having sex with him. Answer them honestly and openly...except the last one.. lie if you have to.

    or

    wear this in your belly button piercing

    images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQfrh_6Kw2cAo4ZZlZTqiy
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 11:13 AM GMT
    I didn't really tell my brother. I just asked him in an e-mail, "How do you think mom and dad will take it when I come out to them?" We had a great conversation and then he finally asked, "Was I supposed to know already?" Someone told me this was a passive-aggressive way of doing it, but it worked for me.
  • bad_wolf

    Posts: 1002

    Oct 15, 2010 11:22 AM GMT
    I know you want your brother to be the first to know, but what I about a friend, one who you know will understand and then can provide support and encouragement when you decide to go and talk to your brother.

    You want to be honest with yourself and him and you have to accept that a possible outcome could be a falling out. Manage your fears and concerns by first accepting them as possible, because at this point you're worried about which direction this could go in.

    A place to stay just in case would be handy.
    Be brave!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 11:36 AM GMT
    Bigsmiles saidAlso remember that his first reaction may not reflect what really will happen in the weeks and months to come. YOU know you have been attracted to men for years.. he doesn't. He might react cooly or what you think is negative, but remember it will take time to settle in.

    Be prepared for a lot of questions if not right then, a few days later. He will ask you if you are the 'man or the woman?" "if you practice safe sex" and even might ask if you fantasize about having sex with him. Answer them honestly and openly...except the last one.. lie if you have to.

    or

    wear this in your belly button piercing


    Hell, if you have a pierced belly button you don't need anything special in it, it is evident you're queer, hehe!

    I told my bro via text message. Bit cowardly but I didn't know what to say on the phone. I wrote that the guy he knew as my friend was actually my boyfriend, and I hoped it didn't matter to him, and he could make jokes at my expense as long as I knew he was cool with it. He said as his brother he loved me no matter what and it would never change. And yes he would make jokes!

    Good luck,I think it will be better than you are dreading!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 12:09 PM GMT
    If he's your best friend, he wouldn't give a *%#@!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 12:24 PM GMT
    I came out to my brother via IM (he lives in another city). We're pretty close and IM communication is fine with us. I believe it went something like, "Hey, how's it going?", "By the way, I'm gay." and his response being "Ok." and then "You won't believe what happened at work today."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 12:26 PM GMT
    bryanc_74 saidI came out to my brother via IM (he lives in another city). We're pretty close and IM communication is fine with us. I believe it went something like, "Hey, how's it going?", "By the way, I'm gay." and his response being "Ok." and then "You won't believe what happened at work today."
    Wanna trade brothers? icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 12:52 PM GMT
    bad_wolf saidI know you want your brother to be the first to know, but what I about a friend, one who you know will understand and then can provide support and encouragement when you decide to go and talk to your brother.

    You want to be honest with yourself and him and you have to accept that a possible outcome could be a falling out. Manage your fears and concerns by first accepting them as possible, because at this point you're worried about which direction this could go in.

    A place to stay just in case would be handy.
    Be brave!


    Bad-Wolf may be onto a very good point; maybe telling another close friend, or a friendly bookstore clerk, would take a little pressure off the situation. It's cool that you & your brother are best friends (me & my brother are like Athens & Sparta with more weapons) but telling another friend could give you the security you need to feel about being bi, as well as give you a friend already in your corner...
  • ramblerman

    Posts: 47

    Oct 15, 2010 1:32 PM GMT
    There is a lot of great advice from people here that will help. You can also type oregon lgbt in your search bar to find other resources in your area that might be able to help.
    Always be prepared for the worst. Try to think back to gauge how homophobic he is. If he is'nt then there should be no problems. If he's not the type to keep secrets then be prepared for EVERYONE to know, even if he takes this as good news. If he can't keep secrets then let him know you really want to come out at your own pace, as you are ready to handle it.
    When I came out to my brother as Bi I was nervous as hell, just told him I had to have a very serious talk with him. I thought I had planned out everything I was going to say. But as soon as we got in the car he started thinking I had a problem with him, so I just flat out told him i am bi... went well after that, he said he always knew & that I had nothing to worry about and i would always have his support.
    Oh yes and as more family finds out don't be surprised if you go from getting gift certificates from the local home improvement store for Christmas presents to Cher CD's, ya true story very uncomfortable. But you will get through it, even in the last 3 years the "gay" community is gaining more acceptance to the Bi people out there. So get it over with so you can start living the life you want.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 1:50 PM GMT
    i have this awsome way of telling people things i dont really want to tell them. like when i failed in middle school i just went up to my mom and said "im failing!" and then there was quiet and then we talked. i did the same thing for telling my parents i was gay (like 3 months ago) i was like "blah blah blah I'm gay" ...silence... and then the discussion.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 3:39 PM GMT
    Try a kiss.
  • bolero_of_fir...

    Posts: 551

    Oct 15, 2010 7:06 PM GMT
    To all the lovely gentleman above, it kind of helps when giving advice that you don't say "just tell him you're gay" when the OP (and the thread title) says that he's bi.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 7:13 PM GMT
    The hardest person to tell I was gay was my little brother, I stressed about it for a long time. But it didn't effect him at all, he loves me the same.

    Funny story, I will be camping on his 16th birthday next weekend. I asked him what he wanted and he immediately replied that he wanted to come stay at my apartment over the weekend. If he gets here early enough tomorrow, I have the girls texas state volleyball team rigged to say hi to him together at their tournament.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Oct 15, 2010 7:15 PM GMT
    Dude.... your a man...he's a man.....go out to a bar...have a few and tell him...straight forward....In the end he'll respect ya for it....BUD
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 7:16 PM GMT
    You can always be like "Bro, Im a big homo! PSYCH! I'm just Bi!!"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 7:17 PM GMT
    I'm currently in the process of coming out (more or less) and so far the hardest person to tell has been my brother. I have no idea why. I don't cry easily, but I did when I told him... not when I told my mom, or my friends, or anybody else. It was weird because I knew he would be okay with it, but I felt like I was letting him down, or he'd feel like he had "less of a brother" if I was gay. If it makes you feel any better he was 190% supportive and we hugged for the first time since... well the first time that I can remember. He and his wife both feel closer to me now, and our relationship has gotten better since I shared that part of my life with him. Just get up the courage, tell him that you would like to show him respect by letting him know about part of your life that you no longer want to hide, and he will respect you back for your bravery and decision to be truthful with him icon_smile.gif

    The one thing he did say that I thought was funny was, "I really do appreciate the non-flamboyancy... that makes it a lot easier." haha. Made me laugh and suck it up and stop crying!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 7:24 PM GMT
    JR84 saidSo, guys I just signed up here, and the reason I did is because I feel guys here seem to care about their fellow men. Well I am bi (yes, I like both sexes and I couldn't pick one if asked). So, I understand and feel the hostility from a lot of gay men towards bi guys, and here is the problem that I am facing. All through my teen yrs, I went without messing around with guys much, but now that I am in my mid 20's I feel trapped. I could go on pretending I don't like men, but the thing is, lately I have found myself attracted to them more and more. My brother and I are roommates, and I am at the point where I feel I have to tell someone I like men, and I think he should be the first to know since we live in the same house. However, I am terrified that he will not react like I hope he will. I get along with him great, and if he rejected me, I'd be devastated...he is my best friend. So, how should I do this as painless as possible?


    Well, does your brother need to know? Are you planning on sexual relations with him? If he doesn't need to know, then, you don't have to tell him, do you?

    Drama is for the theater. Just tell him you like guys. It's that very simple. If he has spent any time around you, almost certainly he knows. Most folks are TERRIBLE at hiding their sexuality and usually the last person to admit to it is the closet case themselves. "Nobody knows I'm gay?" Yeah, right.

    Come to like yourself. The rest will follow. Spend some time doing some research on sexuality. You're normal. Once you accept that there's nothing wrong with you, other than not liking yourself, it will get much better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 15, 2010 7:30 PM GMT
    chuckystud said
    JR84 saidSo, guys I just signed up here, and the reason I did is because I feel guys here seem to care about their fellow men. Well I am bi (yes, I like both sexes and I couldn't pick one if asked). So, I understand and feel the hostility from a lot of gay men towards bi guys, and here is the problem that I am facing. All through my teen yrs, I went without messing around with guys much, but now that I am in my mid 20's I feel trapped. I could go on pretending I don't like men, but the thing is, lately I have found myself attracted to them more and more. My brother and I are roommates, and I am at the point where I feel I have to tell someone I like men, and I think he should be the first to know since we live in the same house. However, I am terrified that he will not react like I hope he will. I get along with him great, and if he rejected me, I'd be devastated...he is my best friend. So, how should I do this as painless as possible?


    Well, does your brother need to know? Are you planning on sexual relations with him? If he doesn't need to know, then, you don't have to tell him, do you?

    Drama is for the theater. Just tell him you like guys. It's that very simple. If he has spent any time around you, almost certainly he knows. Most folks are TERRIBLE at hiding their sexuality and usually the last person to admit to it is the closet case themselves. "Nobody knows I'm gay?" Yeah, right.

    Come to like yourself. The rest will follow.


    I disagree with what you said about having to tell him. I feel that it's a part of who you are, and if you are close with your family they deserve to be shown the respect of you being truthful about who you are. Personally, I couldn't stand lying to my family every time they asked about if I was dating any girls, especially if I was with a guy.

    Also, as somebody who actually was a person who surprised everybody when I decided to come out, it actually makes it easier when everyone is not expecting it - at least for me. I got to see how their views of gay men instantly changed when they realized we aren't all limp wristed with lisps and wearing purple shirts with sparly pink pants (no offense to those of you who I just described, just sayin').