How to tell if they are just ridiculously socially awkward or just uninterested.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 17, 2010 12:53 AM GMT
    So I went on this date with a guy I met online, and I have to say it was one of the most awkward things I went on. As soon as we met, the guy asked me if I was a surfer, and I said no, that I wouldn't call myself one. I surfed when I go to Hawaii to see my uncle, and that I wont do it here because the water is crazy cold. It really didn't seem to be that big of a deal, and I don't make it out to be a surfer on the site that I met this guy or anything like that. We still talked, me asking most (all) of the questions, and I got one-word responses from him, which made me think that he was either uninterested, or really shy and awkward, because he is an engineer. I have some engineer friends and my step-father is one, so I know how some are. After a while, I just ask him if he was shy. He said no, asked why, and I mentioned that he really doesn't ask me any questions or go into too much details. He said it was because I asked too many questions. So I paused for a bit, and the first thing he asks was "So your really not a surfer?" I told him no, and asked if it was really that big of a deal, and he started laughing. We talked for a bit and then there was another pause, so I sort of broke the ice and said that he has me scared to ask questions now. He laughed again, and said that he should probably get going. We got the bill, I was gonna pay with my card and he just gave me cash, so I told him he could leave if he wanted too (as when I want to get out of a bad date, I try to get away ASAP.) He said that he would stay. On the way out, he gave me a hug and I told him it was nice to meet him.

    I usually would think someone like this was uninterested, however he did seem to be very shy and socially inept, like failed to make eye contact and so forth. I mean he made me feel really awkward just being there, and I tend to be very friendly and outgoing. Its hard to do that, so props to him I guess but it also kinda confused me. After debriefing with my friend, we concluded that he was awkward, introverted, and possibly uninterested but not really sure. Hence why I am consulting the great board of RealJock.

    Any advice guys? Im sorta leaning to the send him a funny message and if he is introverted he would reply, and if he was uninterested he wouldnt.
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    Oct 17, 2010 3:10 AM GMT
    Just ask him if he's introverted. Tell you felt awkward and were wondering.

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    Oct 17, 2010 3:29 AM GMT
    Chainers saidSo I went on this date with a guy I met online, and I have to say it was one of the most awkward things I went on. As soon as we met, the guy asked me if I was a surfer, and I said no, that I wouldn't call myself one. I surfed when I go to Hawaii to see my uncle, and that I wont do it here because the water is crazy cold. It really didn't seem to be that big of a deal, and I don't make it out to be a surfer on the site that I met this guy or anything like that. We still talked, me asking most (all) of the questions, and I got one-word responses from him, which made me think that he was either uninterested, or really shy and awkward, because he is an engineer. I have some engineer friends and my step-father is one, so I know how some are. After a while, I just ask him if he was shy. He said no, asked why, and I mentioned that he really doesn't ask me any questions or go into too much details. He said it was because I asked too many questions. So I paused for a bit, and the first thing he asks was "So your really not a surfer?" I told him no, and asked if it was really that big of a deal, and he started laughing. We talked for a bit and then there was another pause, so I sort of broke the ice and said that he has me scared to ask questions now. He laughed again, and said that he should probably get going. We got the bill, I was gonna pay with my card and he just gave me cash, so I told him he could leave if he wanted too (as when I want to get out of a bad date, I try to get away ASAP.) He said that he would stay. On the way out, he gave me a hug and I told him it was nice to meet him.

    I usually would think someone like this was uninterested, however he did seem to be very shy and socially inept, like failed to make eye contact and so forth. I mean he made me feel really awkward just being there, and I tend to be very friendly and outgoing. Its hard to do that, so props to him I guess but it also kinda confused me. After debriefing with my friend, we concluded that he was awkward, introverted, and possibly uninterested but not really sure. Hence why I am consulting the great board of RealJock.

    Any advice guys? Im sorta leaning to the send him a funny message and if he is introverted he would reply, and if he was uninterested he wouldnt.


    I have been in similar situations and I do not go back for seconds...drop him, there could be several things going on...but more than likely you pinpointed already some of his issues, and the point that he kept asking over and over if you were a surfer....and not even listening to what you were stating is definitely a red flag. Can we say no communication skills what so ever- You mentioned he is an Engineer which could account for his social awkwardness, but I know some Engineers that although reserved do have some social component.

    Also, ask yourself one important question...if I were in a relationship with this guy, how would it be? If you get negative thoughts and your communication as you describe above would be on a daily basis, it would be insane.
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    Oct 17, 2010 3:30 AM GMT
    You know, this sort of sucks for you. I take it you're interested in seeing him again?

    If so, then call him. Make the effort and let him know you're interested. If he's really not into you, you'll find out soon enough. If he's just socially awkward (and it sounds like he is) a little bit of encouragement and understanding from you will help him relax a bit.

    Good luck.
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    Oct 17, 2010 3:36 AM GMT

    Rather than thinking if HE'S interested in you, re-think whether YOU'RE interested in him...

    That date sounds terrible! I've been on a few dates like that where the guy has no social skills what-so-ever and they've never led anywhere positive.

    ... and even if you could chalk it up to his nerves and inferior social skills, imagine down the line when you're introducing him to your friends. would he act like that?

    just my opinion!
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    Oct 17, 2010 3:41 AM GMT
    I agree. Drop him.

    I would still ask him out of curiosity. Then drop him.
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    Oct 17, 2010 3:55 AM GMT
    How long did you chat online before you met him in person?
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    Oct 17, 2010 3:57 AM GMT
    What does he look like? There must be some compelling reason why the OP is ignoring the all-too-obvious signs that it's not meant to be.
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Oct 17, 2010 4:09 AM GMT
    Some guys just dont know how to carry a conversation. I like to ask a lot of questions because it can lead to so many things to talk about while on a date. You never know what you could be talking about next. It's fun! Some peoples idea of conversation is far off from what others are use to. That can make things tough. I don't think there is such a thing as too many questions. At some point you have to run out :p
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    Oct 17, 2010 4:34 AM GMT
    unfounded7 saidHow long did you chat online before you met him in person?


    Not very long, he seemed like a nice guy really. I do not like talking to people a long time before meeting up, it usually leads to me being disappointed. I think the socially awkward are cute, tbh. While I am a social butterfly, I think the guys with no social skills get overlooked a lot. If they have social skills, sometimes they turn out to be an asshole. He seems nice.

    As for introducing him to my friends, I would say he is an engineer and they would understand, lol.

    But yea, the date was horrible, it was like pulling teeth from him to get him to open up, and normally I cant get people to shut the hell up.
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    Oct 17, 2010 4:46 AM GMT
    Davis510 said
    Rather than thinking if HE'S interested in you, re-think whether YOU'RE interested in him...



    that seems to be the real question, if you truely are interested then send him a message if he replies you'll have your answer. If you go out again, take him to surf. lol
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    Oct 17, 2010 4:57 AM GMT
    ShaDoWhn said
    Davis510 said
    Rather than thinking if HE'S interested in you, re-think whether YOU'RE interested in him...



    that seems to be the real question, if you truely are interested then send him a message if he replies you'll have your answer. If you go out again, take him to surf. lol


    I dont think I know this either. I mean if he was just looking to bang a surfer, then thats kinda weird because, while I have pics of me with a surf board, I wouldnt say my profile screams surfer by any means.
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    Oct 17, 2010 5:02 AM GMT
    TexDef07 saidWhat does he look like? There must be some compelling reason why the OP is ignoring the all-too-obvious signs that it's not meant to be.


    Hehe true, he looked really really buff, like roided up buff. I thought he was gonna be more athletic, so he got knocked off some points for that.

    Like I said before, he seemed nice.
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    Oct 17, 2010 5:05 AM GMT
    had to chime in on this
    from the outsiders perspective - he's just not that into you
    besides - why would you: a) want to see a guy again who is socially inept and/or b) not that into you?
    time to forget and move on to better things, man
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    Oct 17, 2010 5:08 AM GMT
    While your profile doesn't scream "surfer", I can see where he'd get the impression you are one. Maybe he has a thing for surfers. Then, you told him you aren't a surfer and confused him. He may have even felt a bit deceived, though he'd only have himself to blame.
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    Oct 17, 2010 5:18 AM GMT
    unfounded7 saidWhile your profile doesn't scream "surfer", I can see where he'd get the impression you are one. Maybe he has a thing for surfers. Then, you told him you aren't a surfer and confused him. He may have even felt a bit deceived, though he'd only have himself to blame.


    Thats true, because I did say that I enjoy surfing on this site. From the site I met him through, I didnt mention it in the least bit. I feel like I should take that pic down now.
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    Oct 17, 2010 5:22 AM GMT
    It's a good pic. I don't think you should take it down based on the behavior of one guy who could be a flake.
  • NyRuinz

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    Oct 19, 2010 3:16 AM GMT
    I would not contact him again, if he contacts you, then you have your answer.
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    Oct 19, 2010 6:20 AM GMT

    I disagree with a lot of the people who are telling you to not call the guy.

    I say call him and invite him out. He could be the greatest guy in the world but it may take him a while to loosen up.

    You guys are hanging out...this not a job interview or casting audtion, if it doesn't work out down the road a short way its not too hard to get out of the situation. At this stage the downside of going on a few more dates is far less than downside of possibly overlooking a potentially good guy.

    I think a lot of guys put way too much pressure on the first few dates and the first one in particular. Unless the guy is downright offensive, give it time and see how he acts in different environments.

    So many guys complain about not being able to meet anyone and my suggestion is that if your current process is not working.....take a look at the process you are using and figure out ways to change it up. Reserving final judgement until a later date might be a good place to start.
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    Oct 19, 2010 6:25 AM GMT
    NyRuinz saidI would not contact him again, if he contacts you, then you have your answer.

    This.

    There's no use in contacting him again unless he shows he wants you...

    Just ride it out... on a surf board, away from him. icon_razz.gif
  • camfer

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    Oct 19, 2010 7:34 AM GMT
    A first meeting should be coffee or a drink and not a meal. Then if it's going well, you can extend your time together, but if it's not going well, you part ways after 15 - 30 minutes, much to both people's relief.

    If you're getting one-word answers, you're asking questions that can be answered with one word. Don't ask yes or no type questions. Ask much more open-ended questions.

    A short email to him is harmless.

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    Oct 19, 2010 4:39 PM GMT
    camfer saidA first meeting should be coffee or a drink and not a meal. Then if it's going well, you can extend your time together, but if it's not going well, you part ways after 15 - 30 minutes, much to both people's relief.

    If you're getting one-word answers, you're asking questions that can be answered with one word. Don't ask yes or no type questions. Ask much more open-ended questions.

    A short email to him is harmless.



    Very much agreed, and thats what we did. All though it was different, as it was a coffee place where we sat down and they served us.

    As for the questions, because of my job I ask questions every day. If I ask something open ended, like when your not working out, what do you like to do?

    I like to read.

    pause

    What do you like to read?

    I like german literature.

    etc etc. I mean he opened up a bit, but it was very minimal conversation.

    As for the point that some people put too much emphasis on the first date, I agree completely. Many of my good friends now it took some time to warm up and see how much we have in common, now we love hanging out together.

    On a side note, after telling my friends this story, it turns out we have all surfed in the past, liked it, and never persued it because we didnt know anyone up here who liked it too. In about 3 weeks, we are taking a road trip to Santa Cruz to go surf, fun times :-).
  • KnuxNole

    Posts: 219

    Oct 23, 2010 9:40 PM GMT
    What about people who ARE socially shy in situations(especially on a first date which seems intense)?

    Are they doomed to NEVER date because guys only want people who talk all the time? Personally, I HATE people who can't stop talking for 5 minutes, although that's an extreme case haha. I prefer regular, chill guys icon_smile.gif