Relationship advice appreciated..please

  • suitup24

    Posts: 2

    Oct 19, 2010 6:45 AM GMT

    Well I've been dating a guy for over a year now and share a house together. He is my first relationship and we have shared some great times together but a few months ago I found out he had been cheating on me.
    After a very confusing conversation with a guy (one of the guys he had been stringing along) I discovered he had been using online cruising/relationship sites and to hook up with guys at beats behind my back.

    I confronted him about it he swore he would never do it again and that he was sorting his life out to be better for me. Then 2 months later I caught him out again up to his old tricks, and somehow I am still here.

    I am having trouble trusting him, for good reason and every time I get suspicious or upset he gets angry a me for not trusting him and throws everything back on me.

    I have recently seen texts from him to other guys and have a pretty good idea he is still playing around. The thing that makes it awkward is the fact that we share a home together. I am exhausted with everything that has happened and am feeling used and abused and am starting to wonder if he has a problem with this because I know he wants to be in a relationship.

    I think I am just writing to get it all off my chest, it just is disappointing that this is how I will remember my first relationship.

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    Oct 19, 2010 7:25 AM GMT
    One-time cheater - can be forgiven.
    Multiple-time cheater - needs to stop playing games and fucking leave.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 19, 2010 12:27 PM GMT
    Or just begin sleeping around yourself and make it an open relationship ... tried turning it into threesomes with my ex-bf, it didnt work, because, well, the lack of monogamy was not the cause of the break-up.. (Caribbean men monogamous? Yeah right!!!)

    but Im just saying its a possibility, maybe it works for other people
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    Oct 19, 2010 1:05 PM GMT
    Some guys just can't keep it in their pants. It is NOT your fault for having trust issues with him because he has repeatedly given you reasons to have them! It is not something for you to feel guilty about and in the end, he will likely tell himself that your "trust issues" are a reason to cheat even more. If you want a monogamous relationship, maybe it is time to start closing this chapter in your life and find happiness elsewhere.

    Good luck icon_biggrin.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 19, 2010 1:10 PM GMT
    Having been with my partner for 12 years and having had plenty of opportunities for sex on the side, I think you have to ask yourself whats really important?

    Do consider how you've treated him. Any reason why he might want to screw around? I'm not being the least bit critical, my point is, carefully consider your own behavior. Is that a reason to do what he's done... no way... but I'm always into thinking about my own behavior when doing any sort of assessment about someone else.

    Communication is really the answer. Honestly, it sounds like you probably should move on since it sounds like he isn't wanting to change.
    Good luck, it sounds like you deserve someone really special.
  • bad_wolf

    Posts: 1002

    Oct 19, 2010 1:28 PM GMT
    Kick him out on his arse.
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    Oct 19, 2010 1:32 PM GMT
    Cheating a classic character trait that is hard to break. And the phrase "I'm working on cleaning my act up so that I'm better for you." is an age-old adage that seems to be said more than it's actually proven.

    He's mad that you don't trust him, and you don't trust him because he has given you more than enough reasons to be skeptical of his actions. You can't really do anything to stop him, as, he is his own self despite that by sleeping around he's putting your health at risk.

    If you're a monogamy guy; which judging by your concerns I'm assuming that you are...it's going to continuously stress you out. It's pretty obvious if he's been continuing with his charades, you're not going to magically come to peace with the situation. It's either deal with it and be stressed, or cut your losses and find someone better that you can trust.

    But if you're feeling stuck in a corner and you want out of the situation you can call it and let it end with that. As for the house, do as in a divorce...either one of you buys out the other's half or you both sell it and split the money that results.

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    Oct 19, 2010 1:35 PM GMT
    I dont know what to tell you but if it was me i would dump him if you haw promised me that you would newer do that agein and you did you get the picture.
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    Oct 19, 2010 1:46 PM GMT
    Trust should be one of the major components in a relationship. Without it the other areas will suffer in the short and long run. You have already made up your mind as to the trust issue but are liking the fact that you are in a relationship -- bad or good. I would just end it, letting him know that the trust was something you couldn't deal with. I do hope you are not in some type of lease agreement on the home with him since this will give you another problem.
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    Oct 19, 2010 2:33 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan said
    Do consider how you've treated him. Any reason why he might want to screw around? I'm not being the least bit critical, my point is, carefully consider your own behavior. Is that a reason to do what he's done... no way... but I'm always into thinking about my own behavior when doing any sort of assessment about someone else.

    Communication is really the answer.
    I think Hndsm has really hit the nail on the head. Communications is the biggie. You have to be able to talk openly about feelings (emotional and sexual) without any judgement, otherwise you'll never really know the guy. For whatever reason he is looking beyond the relationship, now the question is why, what is he looking for, what is he not getting that he needs or thinks he needs. This goes back to the whole monogamous issue, monogamous sex vs monogamous relationship.

    The only solution is communications, then you can make a decision as to what will best meet both of your needs, stick together and work it out or split and move on, as hard as that might be. Good luck.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19119

    Oct 19, 2010 2:39 PM GMT
    A relationship that lacks trust is not really worth having. You deserve better.
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    Oct 19, 2010 2:48 PM GMT
    It's time to move on, my friend. Trust, once lost, is hard to regain. There is no reason that you should stress and accelerate your aging on account of this.
  • BronxvilleNY3...

    Posts: 101

    Oct 19, 2010 3:19 PM GMT
    You are in a VERY risky situation, you are exposed to catch something
    “ HIV, herpes etc” that is going to make to remember this guy for the rest of your life. Turn the page, move on, and walk away.

    There are so many good things outside waiting for people who wants to be monogamous.
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    Oct 19, 2010 3:24 PM GMT
    suitup24 said
    Well I've been dating a guy for over a year now and share a house together. He is my first relationship and we have shared some great times together but a few months ago I found out he had been cheating on me.
    After a very confusing conversation with a guy (one of the guys he had been stringing along) I discovered he had been using online cruising/relationship sites and to hook up with guys at beats behind my back.

    I confronted him about it he swore he would never do it again and that he was sorting his life out to be better for me. Then 2 months later I caught him out again up to his old tricks, and somehow I am still here.

    I am having trouble trusting him, for good reason and every time I get suspicious or upset he gets angry a me for not trusting him and throws everything back on me.

    I have recently seen texts from him to other guys and have a pretty good idea he is still playing around. The thing that makes it awkward is the fact that we share a home together. I am exhausted with everything that has happened and am feeling used and abused and am starting to wonder if he has a problem with this because I know he wants to be in a relationship.

    I think I am just writing to get it all off my chest, it just is disappointing that this is how I will remember my first relationship.



    If you don't like it, then either put up with it, or not. If it's an issue to you get rid of the guy.
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    Oct 19, 2010 3:33 PM GMT
    To the left, to the left......

    Anyways, to me, once a cheater, always a cheater, so that's a deal breaker.
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    Oct 19, 2010 4:16 PM GMT
    Dump him.
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    Oct 19, 2010 8:32 PM GMT
    Sounds like you're a monogamy guy and he's an open relationship guy. Oil and water. Probably be best to break it off before you allow yourself to be hurt more.
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    Oct 19, 2010 8:39 PM GMT
    RudeMech saidSounds like you're a monogamy guy and he's an open relationship guy. Oil and water. Probably be best to break it off before you allow yourself to be hurt more.


    I love that song.

  • suitup24

    Posts: 2

    Oct 20, 2010 7:37 AM GMT
    Thanks guys, I’m lucky in the sense that we are only renting a house together and are on a open lease so can leave at any time. We have always been safe sexually and have had checkups regularly and all came back clear.

    I have thought about how I have been treating him and think I’ve been pretty fair, he was cheating even we were just starting o go out and I found out he has done the same thing to his ex.
    I made it clear from the beginning that i wanted a monogamous relationship & he said he wanted the same but anyway.

    We have played around with other guys as I thought it might make him no do things behind my back, that’s the thing that I have a problem with the most.

    He obviously isn't the one so I think im best off just taking this for what it is...
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    Oct 22, 2010 6:54 PM GMT
    Based on the info you provided, your boyfriend sounds a bit damaged. We as gay men tend to blame or justify actions in our mates when it comes to sex. When a partner cheats, we feel rejected or devalued; but more fluidly we try to outline what we did to cause it---self-rejection. When we are rejected, our immediate response typically is to then proceed to reject ourselves "He cheated cause I did this...He cheated cause I am not adequate...He cheated cause I am not giving him what he deserves". He cheated cause of his problems, not your's. Sadly, he sought something else indeed because you are not providing him something he needs, which is to accept the ills of his life that led him to disregard his own value.

    Stringing people along, holding what-ifs on the side, bed hopping provide him some sense of worth. It is short lived and will never satisfy the underlying issue. This behavior can not be changed by you, as no one is complete simply by another "relationship". Instead multiple sex encounters, etc are a means to take a slice of goods from various people and hoping that sum provides you the missing link to repair your damaged self-respect. When a person does this while having a relationship, you provide the foundation, while each of the subcomponents (the person/s they are cheating with) act as side dishes of emotional support. It is a very damaging relationship, because the cheater will submit you to his emotional damage. If you leave him, he will immediately go on the prowl for another foundation, while still keeping the subcomponents around hoping together they all combined provide one big slice of self-worth.

    My advice, decide how you value yourself. If you are satisfied providing a foundation for his lack of self-worth then by all means continue. But know until he can value himself wholistically as a person, you + others are much more valuable to him than you alone. Very unhealthy. You shouldn't be having a conversation with him about what you didn't give or say "Oh it was just sex"; it is not just sex and it wasn't you who completed the act. It was him, and he needs to figure out why. Until that happens, this relationship will continue to be just as unhealthy in a year as it is today---only the damage he causes you a year from now will be far greater than the damage he has already caused. Think about it...forgiving is accepting an emotional wreck of a partner, do you feel that is what you deserve? icon_question.gif
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Oct 22, 2010 7:02 PM GMT
    cut your losses and move out....Your self esteem and peace of mind are worth more than the bullshit your goin through...Also you don't share a home ..because a home is a happy place....you share a house..that's the reality... I wish you all the best....BUD
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    Oct 22, 2010 7:14 PM GMT
    Dang...Welcome to RJ Phoenixstud !

    Hope you fill out your profile and hang around awhile.
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    Oct 22, 2010 7:39 PM GMT
    At this point you need to just cut your losses and move on. Regardless of how you may have treated him while in the relationship it was never bad enough for him to cheat on you. If you were treating him that bad then he would've ended the relationship a long time ago and not stuck it out.

    The fact that he cheated on you several times within the year should tell you something and after you caught him and gave him a chance he still choice to do it again. Definitely not someone worth keeping around. Beyonce knows what's up. Pay attention to the words at 1:30 thru 1:50.


    [url][/url]
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 22, 2010 7:49 PM GMT
    1. If he REALLY loves you, the idea and thought and action of CHEATING, LYING would never occur because his LOVE for you is really strong. Vice Versa.

    2. If it is still the case and you are a martyr enough to go at it again, Forgiveness is a broad spectrum. Trust is absolute, and Love is Divine.

    3. I suggest you must learn to love yourself first and foremost. That case, once you know how much you love and care for yourself, you would then have a gage meter to know how others should treat and love you to that same standards you give yourself. If they don't make it even close to, then it will be a matter of time until the relationship ends or until the empty cup you keep filling will eventually dry.
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Oct 22, 2010 7:51 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidA relationship that lacks trust is not really worth having. You deserve better.


    ^ This ^