damaged goods?

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    Oct 20, 2010 2:03 AM GMT
    ok gents, i need some insight. i feel lost and confused, i have left my wife of 7 years, thankfully a smooth transition weve been apart for about 4 months, i have for as long as i can remember felt for the most part more comfortable around men,i would be considered a guys guy, i do feel there is a strong connection between men, obviously dating back to the dawn of time, i digress,i am attracted to feminine gay men of slim or athletic build, though i dare not do anything purely out of fear, i wonder at times though, perhaps i just seek a friend, yes i was married for a time, yes im lonely,sad,not very depressed because i knew leaving my wife was better for the both of us, she needed to grow up, and i needed to learn that no matter how hard you try you cant mold people into what you want, so what im wondering is would i be totally shunned if i were to approach a gay man and was like "hey wanna get a coffee and chill a bit i need a friend?",....wow that does sound lame but its the truth, anyway ill take any advice i can get considering i dont really have anyone to talk to about this
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    Oct 20, 2010 2:19 AM GMT
    you're not damaged goods... i went through a horrible time realizing and accepting that i was gay. it's okay if finding out wasn't an easy journey.

    it might depend on who you ask, but for the most part i don't think you'd be shunned. i know what i went through and it helped a lot talking to ppl on here and in real life about it, so i'd be happy to have a coffee and talk with anyone going through something similar. i think there are a lot of ppl that would do the same icon_smile.gif

    charliefaustthough i dare not do anything purely out of fear


    there's nothing to be afraid of icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 20, 2010 1:40 PM GMT
    You have a personal history; everyone does. A huge bonus is, from what I'm reading in your post, is that you've learned from your experiences. You are also going to have some good times if you just relax a little more and start making some friends with the kind of men you enjoy. This is a good place to start, so fill out that profile and put up a pic or two!

    -Doug
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    Oct 20, 2010 2:14 PM GMT
    charliefaust saidok gents, i need some insight. i feel lost and confused, i have left my wife of 7 years, thankfully a smooth transition weve been apart for about 4 months, i have for as long as i can remember felt for the most part more comfortable around men,i would be considered a guys guy, i do feel there is a strong connection between men, obviously dating back to the dawn of time, i digress,i am attracted to feminine gay men of slim or athletic build, though i dare not do anything purely out of fear, i wonder at times though, perhaps i just seek a friend, yes i was married for a time, yes im lonely,sad,not very depressed because i knew leaving my wife was better for the both of us, she needed to grow up, and i needed to learn that no matter how hard you try you cant mold people into what you want, so what im wondering is would i be totally shunned if i were to approach a gay man and was like "hey wanna get a coffee and chill a bit i need a friend?",....wow that does sound lame but its the truth, anyway ill take any advice i can get considering i dont really have anyone to talk to about this


    i wouldn't be so overt as to say "hey wanna get a coffee and chill a bit i need a friend?"... just go find a guy you relate to, relax (i know that's hard), and just spend some time with him... he may or may not have feelings towards you, don't worry if you don't reciprocate, if he's been on the gay scene for more than 20 seconds he'll take the rejection fine, and be willing to do the mate thing... most gay guys are friendly... the rare exception is not... most of us who come out later in life make a lot of friends before we meet anyone we are interested in on another level... good luck, wish i was closer and could be that friend to you!
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    Oct 20, 2010 2:17 PM GMT
    All you have in your baggage is a wife that you were honest with finally?
    Sheesh compared to some of these boys on here you barely have carry on luggage
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    Oct 20, 2010 2:21 PM GMT
    Why would any sane gay man refuse to go out for coffee and good conversation? One of life's greatest joys is to be able to sit down with someone and have a good conversation. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 20, 2010 2:29 PM GMT
    charliefaust saidok gents, i need some insight. i feel lost and confused, i have left my wife of 7 years, thankfully a smooth transition weve been apart for about 4 months, i have for as long as i can remember felt for the most part more comfortable around men,i would be considered a guys guy, i do feel there is a strong connection between men, obviously dating back to the dawn of time, i digress,i am attracted to feminine gay men of slim or athletic build, though i dare not do anything purely out of fear, i wonder at times though, perhaps i just seek a friend, yes i was married for a time, yes im lonely,sad,not very depressed because i knew leaving my wife was better for the both of us, she needed to grow up, and i needed to learn that no matter how hard you try you cant mold people into what you want, so what im wondering is would i be totally shunned if i were to approach a gay man and was like "hey wanna get a coffee and chill a bit i need a friend?",....wow that does sound lame but its the truth, anyway ill take any advice i can get considering i dont really have anyone to talk to about this

    What it's called is dating. Forget the past relationship, many of us have been there and have much more baggage to carry (not that my kids are baggage). If you want to submerge yourself with other guys for company and conversation, join some local groups like forerunners, cyclist, or a gay married men's group. You'll find other guys with common stories and a good place to start meeting and building a circle of support. Go out on Friday night and see what's out there, many guys are looking for friends (and some much more). The world is your ocean Mr. Oyster, go find your pearl!
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    Oct 20, 2010 3:09 PM GMT
    I hope you aren't suggesting walking up to complete strangers and asking them out for coffee. But if in the course of a conversation you get the feeling that it wouldn't be totally offensive to the guy, then sure, ask away. That's exactly what straight guys have to do with woman.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Oct 20, 2010 3:24 PM GMT
    less "damaged goods"...more "finding your true self".

    it will just get better in the future.

    ALWAYS "play safe"!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 20, 2010 3:31 PM GMT
    Just take some time and adjust to your changes in life. Don't feel that you "should be doing".. anything in particular. Explore a bit, who you are.
    Make some new friends, adopt some new activities and do so without any
    guilt feelings. As time passes, things will become clearer. Best of luck and keep us informed.
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    Oct 20, 2010 3:32 PM GMT
    Whenever anyone asks if I have any baggage, I always say, "No, just a small carry-on." icon_wink.gif

    My advice is to make friends through some sort of gay hobby group.
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    Oct 20, 2010 3:40 PM GMT
    I have a somewhat similar, but longer, history. I am new to the dating side and have made some foolish and embarassing stumbles, and with the help of my friends here at UofRJ, i am learning to just be me....how you dated in the straight world pretty much applies to your gay brothers....i've found just being myself, not forcing the issue and letting the time and place be right are all factors in meeting guys.

    I was at the carwash yesterday and my gaydar perked on a beautiful guy coming in to the waiting room, wearing the hollister river shirt etc. My subconscious seemed to say 'shutp keith, i'll handle this', and before I knew it I was engaged in a great, smooth and easy flowing convo with him. He mentioned he wanted to gain some muscle before summer, I mentioned RJ as a good source and included that is was a gay site. The convo moved along to my straight marriage, my two sons, my separation, my being gay and it was just great. Got his card and phone number and floated away on a cloud of pixie dust.....

    Be yourself, practice makes perfect and always produces throwaways until you make the right mold.......Keith,icon_cool.gif,,,,,drop me an IM if you wanna talk...
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    Oct 21, 2010 12:38 AM GMT
    thanx guys i really appreciate the info, i feel a bit better knowing there are more people out there with the same story as me, thanx again for the support gents ill be sure to fill out my profile and get some good pics up soon.icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 21, 2010 12:49 AM GMT
    You're not damaged goods
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    Oct 21, 2010 1:25 AM GMT
    You don't need to 'convince' another gay dude why he should hang out with you by telling him you "need a friend." There's no reason to treat another gay any different than you would treat a straight guy... or a chick. Just find a gay dude you think is cool, chat him up, make a friend.

    A deep friendship (the kind you can get REAL emotional support from) can take a while to develop. So don't have unrealistic expectations from people you've JUST met. Give your new outlook on life the time it needs to develop.