Becoming the courtee

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    Oct 20, 2010 4:05 AM GMT
    For those that have no idea what I mean, Im talking about leaving your role as a chaser (you know the one that goes after the girl or guy) and becoming the chasee or the courtee.

    Growing up I always asumed girls had it easier, I Mean if a guy is into you and shows it, either by asking you out or saying nice things, giving you presents and stuff, you are on the high ground right? You have the power. WRONG!

    Well being new to gay dating I have found that it is not the case, and is as tricky and complicated as letting a guy know you like him. Why? Well Im used to have to work to get the prize lol

    recently someone has contacted me and seems to be interested, and because I never been in this position, being the courtee, I have no idea as to how to react, i mean he is attractive, not exctaly my type though.

    Question number one should I give him a chance? If so, how interested should I act? I dont want to seem uninterested but neither I want to appear as easy.

    Guys I know how we think, most of the times when we like someone we Say all kinds of crap, exagerated compliments and lies to win them over, i dont want that to happen. Gosh is so fucking complicated!! I come to the wise comunity for help. Guys generaly and the court side, what do you do when this happens to you? And guys on the courtee side, the more experience ones i guess, how do you deal with this?
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    Oct 20, 2010 4:12 AM GMT
    Interest is always a tricky matter. Too much and you'll scare someone off, not enough and they'll think you're not interested and move on, just enough and it still might all fall to the ground. And that's how it goes icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 20, 2010 8:54 PM GMT
    I'm having trouble with this too. Only I seem to always be the chaser. I think the straights do have it easier, my friend is always telling me how she doesn't call him, he's gotta call her. I think in the gay world, and being new to dating, is confusing and I have no idea who's supposed to do what. I figure if you both feel the same way it's easier, but when one person is into the other more than it sort of drives you nuts. I would like to be chased somewhat, but by someone who I am actually interested in as well. If he's not your type then I don't see why you would lead him on...not to be mean or anything, unless you are curious and could be attracted to him eventually?
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    Nov 07, 2010 5:39 PM GMT
    Its confirmed I like it much better being the chaser, being the courtee is too much fucking complicated!
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    Nov 07, 2010 5:46 PM GMT
    My problem is totally different. I've always been chased after, mostly because I'm lazy hahaha. But I wanted to try something different since nothing in the past worked. So I've been dating this guy for a month and a half and we've been out I think 7 or 8 times... problem is I've asked him out all but one of those times. I'm also always the one who texts/calls him (although rarely, like once a week, since I'm not much of a texter or caller. I'd rather meet in person. He's the same way.)

    I'm getting tired though of always being the one to ask him. I just don't know how it works. If it's not supposed to take this long for him to start showing an interest in me, then I'm fine with leaving the situation. Is that normal? Is it like dating between a man and a woman where the chaser is relegated to that role until you take the next step?
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    Nov 07, 2010 5:46 PM GMT
    This isn't correct, though it may be in your own personal experiences.

    "Guys I know how we think, most of the times when we like someone we Say all kinds of crap, exagerated compliments and lies to win them over....."

    Just be yourself, don't play a part or a role. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Nov 07, 2010 5:48 PM GMT
    I've always been the chaser.....I'm not sure how I would react if suddenly I was the chasee icon_redface.gif
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    Nov 07, 2010 5:56 PM GMT
    I always say if you have to ask the answers are yes. (in relation to dating ONLY, I dont want anyone trying to justify their murders because I said so icon_biggrin.gif)
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    Nov 07, 2010 6:01 PM GMT
    mnboy saidI always say if you have to ask the answers are yes. (in relation to dating ONLY, I dont want anyone trying to justify their murders because I said so icon_biggrin.gif)



    ...so if someone starts a topic and asks, " The man I've been dating for the past year has given me 3 STIs so far and keeps cheating on me, should I stay and keep having unprotected sex?", the answer is yes?

    Really?

    icon_confused.gif (confused icon)

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    Nov 07, 2010 6:04 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    mnboy saidI always say if you have to ask the answers are yes. (in relation to dating ONLY, I dont want anyone trying to justify their murders because I said so icon_biggrin.gif)



    ...so if someone starts a topic and asks, " The man I've been dating for the past year has given me 3 STIs so far and keeps cheating on me, should I stay and keep having unprotected sex?", the answer is yes?

    Really?

    icon_confused.gif (confused icon)



    dating=/=sex, just because you used the word dating doesn't mean the question is about dating.
    However, if they have given you 3 you mine as well not too many people want to do it with someone with and STD let alone 3. Either that or give him a nice pair of designer cement boots.
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    Nov 07, 2010 6:18 PM GMT
    treat him like you would treat a new/possible friend, polite and and friendly but without reciprocating any compliments that aren't deserved. just seem like a normal, busy person.

    there's no hard part in being the chased person, showing too much or too little interest is seriously not a big deal, because whatever you show he will reflect with his true interest. if he's crazy about you, and you show too much interest but genuinely, you'll find out that he's crazy about you. and vice versa.

    showing too much interest sometimes can easily escalate the results of "is this guy really for me?" because they open themselves up more and are more honest with you.

    dates, at restaurants, lunches, movies, are all largely fake and half the things said and done are awkward and not genuine. make it as genuine as possible, cuss if you normally do, eat what you would normally eat, and try to make it as if you were with your best friend.

    my advice is if he does spark some interest in you, try him out once, you never know. as the chasee you get the divine right of simply saying no to the next date for a ton of plausible reasons, and then it ends!
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    Nov 07, 2010 6:40 PM GMT
    Well next time I go to some bar, im just gonna sit on the barstool with my lace fan, fanning off demurely my gardenia perfume and bat my lashes smiling at the next hot guy who looks at my direction.
    How very Streetcar named Desire, lol!
    icon_wink.gif
  • Gaymer

    Posts: 111

    Nov 07, 2010 6:41 PM GMT
    This thread shows how unnecessarily complicated some people like to make gay dating.

    Chaser? Courtee? Really?

    For gay dating, aren't both parties involved men? Both can call each other from time to time. Or are we creating our own perverted version of chivalry to dictate the obscure and arbitrary social norms of dating politesse?

    The straights don't have it easy when it comes down to dating, either. The stupid gender binary of dating politesse is arbitrary and old-fashioned & goes out of its way to complicate things.

    When women say "He has to call me, I'm not calling him" they show that obviously they don't care enough for the relationship to be a two-way street. People are equals, aren't they?
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Nov 07, 2010 6:43 PM GMT
    GigoloAssassin saidWell next time I go to some bar, im just gonna sit on the barstool with my lace fan, fanning off demurely my gardenia perfume and bat my lashes smiling at the next hot guy who looks at my direction.
    How very Streetcar named Desire, lol!
    icon_wink.gif


    Girl, you have got it goin' on icon_cool.gif
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    Nov 07, 2010 7:19 PM GMT
    mnboy said
    meninlove said
    mnboy saidI always say if you have to ask the answers are yes. (in relation to dating ONLY, I dont want anyone trying to justify their murders because I said so icon_biggrin.gif)



    ...so if someone starts a topic and asks, " The man I've been dating for the past year has given me 3 STIs so far and keeps cheating on me, should I stay and keep having unprotected sex?", the answer is yes?

    Really?

    icon_confused.gif (confused icon)



    dating=/=sex, just because you used the word dating doesn't mean the question is about dating.
    However, if they have given you 3 you mine as well not too many people want to do it with someone with and STD let alone 3. Either that or give him a nice pair of designer cement boots.



    Oy.
    Dating means different things to different people. Some guys have sex when dating. It just is what it is. Some guys stay in bad situations, then ask for help. It just is what it is.

    -Doug
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    Nov 07, 2010 7:27 PM GMT
    malefeet said
    GigoloAssassin saidWell next time I go to some bar, im just gonna sit on the barstool with my lace fan, fanning off demurely my gardenia perfume and bat my lashes smiling at the next hot guy who looks at my direction.
    How very Streetcar named Desire, lol!
    icon_wink.gif


    Girl, you have got it goin' on icon_cool.gif


    Hahaha!
    Well thank you sir. I could always rely on the kindness of strangers. icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 07, 2010 7:33 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    mnboy said
    meninlove said
    mnboy saidI always say if you have to ask the answers are yes. (in relation to dating ONLY, I dont want anyone trying to justify their murders because I said so icon_biggrin.gif)



    ...so if someone starts a topic and asks, " The man I've been dating for the past year has given me 3 STIs so far and keeps cheating on me, should I stay and keep having unprotected sex?", the answer is yes?

    Really?

    icon_confused.gif (confused icon)



    dating=/=sex, just because you used the word dating doesn't mean the question is about dating.
    However, if they have given you 3 you mine as well not too many people want to do it with someone with and STD let alone 3. Either that or give him a nice pair of designer cement boots.



    Oy.
    Dating means different things to different people. Some guys have sex when dating. It just is what it is. Some guys stay in bad situations, then ask for help. It just is what it is.

    -Doug


    Again, using the word dating doesn't refer to actually dating.
    Yes some guys have sex while dating but I doubt they define dating as having sex.
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    Nov 07, 2010 7:38 PM GMT
    Holy Hannah, mnboy, the world is greater than you know.

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    Nov 07, 2010 7:42 PM GMT
    meninlove said Holy Hannah, mnboy, the world is greater than you know.



    Surprise surprise you yet again when being faced with something you cannot deny but originally tried too say that Im somehow inexperienced..
    This is getting redundant.
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    Nov 07, 2010 7:53 PM GMT


    Oh gads...mnboy, you know little about the vast variations in what people do when they date. Your definition is excessively narrow. How's that, better?
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    Nov 07, 2010 7:58 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    Oh gads...mnboy, you know little about the vast variations in what people do when they date. Your definition is excessively narrow. How's that, better?


    I made no exclusives I just said I doubt people consider having to sex to be dating.
    Most people can/have sex with someone and not consider themselves dating.
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    Nov 07, 2010 8:16 PM GMT
    Just be yourself. When things with a guy work out, you'll thank yourself because it'll have been for the right reasons. Not some big production you went through. So say what you want to say. Flirt as much as you want to flirt. And get as excited as you want. You're cute as fuck so.. If I was talking you up, and you were excited about it, it'd just get me excited about it. icon_razz.gif I'd be like.. wow he's cute and he digs me.. yesssssss.
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    Nov 08, 2010 12:48 AM GMT
    oh, mnboy dared to differ with the resident scold and authoritarian, the egregious non-jock meninlove! . . . meninlove's fiefdom is threatened! . . . good job, boy . . .

    as for the subject at hand, Dav488 takes the prize for the most cogent response . . .
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    Nov 08, 2010 2:14 AM GMT
    lol, noren, you mean your feifdom is threatened. Now run along to that topic about the pastor coming out to his congregation. You have some replies that may interest you.

  • Gaymer

    Posts: 111

    Nov 08, 2010 7:49 AM GMT
    So, these personal attacks back and forth are really helping to clarify the OP and all, so let me offer up a tangent by asking a question.

    Dear OP ShaDoWhn, could you explain a bit more what roles/tasks are different between the Chaser and the Courtee? I'm a bit curious about whether you would describe them as the same as with heterosexual dating. I've never thought of dating in such terms and I feel like having my mind opened a bit to new terms. icon_cool.gif