Long-distance relationships: How-to?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 21, 2010 3:49 AM GMT
    This one goes out to the guys out there who have managed to tough out long-distance relationships:

    How did you do it? What are the key things to remember? What is your advice to others in this situation?

    (Update:) Maybe a little context will help:

    We've been dating for almost 2 months, and as it stands we already live in different cities - about 90 minutes away. We still have managed to spend almost every weekend together since meeting, and let's face it - this guy is a total catch.

    However, it seems as though I'll be moving in January - I'll be away for a year, just to wrap up my degree. So for about a year, we will be 7 and a half hours away.

    We've discussed this move and its implications, and although we have known each other for a relatively short time, we've agreed that our (monogamous) relationship will definitely be worth it in the long run. We have also established that we both want to live in the same city. In the grand scheme of things, a year really is not so long. Summertime also offers the possibility of living closer to each other.

    So what would you advise us? Is it all in trust? Communication? Long phone calls, week-end visits, or simply keeping busy and distracted?
  • hockeydude12

    Posts: 169

    Oct 21, 2010 4:00 PM GMT
    I think the key to the whole thing is trusting the person you are with. Depending on your relationship of course, but if you cant trust that person it ain't gonna work.

    Just keep communicating with that special someone, and im sure you will make it thru it!
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Oct 21, 2010 4:23 PM GMT
    A lot depends on how much distance. If it's easy to spend weekends together, that is one thing, but if you live on opposite ends of the country or the world it is problematic. I tried it once. I was nuts about the guy and, had we lived in the same town, we would probably still be together, but the distance was just too much being that we lived 2000 miles apart. The time difference even made talking on the phone a challenge. I'm not saying there are not success stories out there involving long distance relationships, but it's a challenge.
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    Oct 21, 2010 4:39 PM GMT
    I believe it could work but you had a bunch of guys that tell you it's not possible and stuff but i think love does not know for any borders icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 21, 2010 4:52 PM GMT
    Of course, frequent communication and honesty about feelings and needs is important as it is in any relationship. But I think the key to a successful LDR is a shared goal. Yeah, it sucks right now that you and your guy are miles apart and can't spend time together in person. But that pain is lightened if you know that you two can move in together when school is over, or when the job transfer goes through. That way you both know that you are both working towards a life together, in the more traditional sense, rather than just being buds who like phone sex (you will become, if you are not already, an expert in phone sex).

    There are guys who like to have their own private life but enjoy being in a relationship with a guy who lives far away. That is great and that works for them. Is that what you want? You need to also make sure that you two are on the same page about what you want out of this relationship.
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    Oct 21, 2010 5:12 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidOf course, frequent communication and honesty about feelings and needs is important as it is in any relationship. But I think the key to a successful LDR is a shared goal. Yeah, it sucks right now that you and your guy are miles apart and can't spend time together in person. But that pain is lightened if you know that you two can move in together when school is over, or when the job transfer goes through. That way you both know that you are both working towards a life together, in the more traditional sense, rather than just being buds who like phone sex (you will become, if you are not already, an expert in phone sex).

    There are guys who like to have their own private life but enjoy being in a relationship with a guy who lives far away. That is great and that works for them. Is that what you want? You need to also make sure that you two are on the same page about what you want out of this relationship.


    We certainly look forward to actually living in the same city and being together, or having a so-called "normal" relationship. Maybe we should keep that goal in mind - very good insight, thank you.

    I suspect he may chuckle (as I did) when he reads your comment, as one of our biggest points of attraction (and something we've repeated many times) is that we are definitely on the same page. I think it's the basis for a healthy relationship regardless of distance!
  • hdurdinr

    Posts: 699

    Oct 21, 2010 5:13 PM GMT
    My partner and I lived in two different countries for about two years of our relationship (albeit still in Europe) and would see each other for a long weekend every month or so. Skype definitely helped a lot so if you haven't got it already you should - it really helps to see each other. Also, that 'face time' thing on the new iphone and ipods looks cool and could be fun when you just want to call up for a second to share something funny or what not.
    Also, if you have an argument on the phone, try really hard not to leave each other angry, if you can get over whatever it is on the phone there and then it will save you a lot of time later!
    As others have mentioned, trust is a big issue - so talk about what you're worried about. Talking about things takes the sting out of them.
    If you both make it through the year away (and I hope you do) the difficult part may come when you're not apart anymore. For me I actually enjoyed a little bit being in a relationship but still being completely independent for all other areas of my life - that doesn't happen when you live with someone or are in the same town, so it can take some readjusting. I recommend that when you both move to the same town you get separate places or rooms for a while so that you can both ease in to your lives there and not feel claustrophobic - that way there's no pressure to make things work. All the best to you both!
  • g56whiz

    Posts: 46

    Oct 21, 2010 7:06 PM GMT
    My partner and I are recently back together after six years of career induced separation some 1,700 miles apart. This March we'll have been together a total of 22 years.

    Every thing previously said about trust and communication is absolutely true. But honesty is also a very important component. It makes little sense to promise to remain monogamous if in reality you know your right hand is not going to get you through the night. And the ironic part is that having given each other the licence, there was little urge to use it. And trust grew ever greater. We spoke at least daily and it was a priority in each of our lives that we did so.

    And in the reunion, caution is in fact warranted but it is mitigated by the trust you can build up. We ended up in the home he created while apart and dismantled and sold the place we had built together (I'm retired; he has not). But what we both experienced is the absolute bliss of rediscovering how much we love each other. In our case absence really did make the heart grow fonder.
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    Oct 21, 2010 7:14 PM GMT
    Kept our computer cams on so we could just see each other doing our daily things and typing like comments as they popped into our heads.
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    Oct 21, 2010 7:27 PM GMT
    been there done that.... never works
    unless you like polygamy, three ways, and or dont ask dont tell, or open relationship
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 21, 2010 7:34 PM GMT
    I've been with my guy almost a year now. Good communication from both sides is key! Video chatting on skype is very handy.
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    Oct 21, 2010 11:24 PM GMT
    7500 miles, 18 hours difference, 8 months of LDR and countless hours on video skype and we made it through!

    The key here is definitely communication, communication, communication.....and trust. Know the boundaries of the relationship (better to have that conversation sooner than later).

    I know what kept us going is our long term permanent goal of living together. Fast forward 8 months and now we are living together as soon as I got my degree. Hang in there, and don't forget those little things that tick him and/or make him smile
    .
    We both always like those surprises when we both least expect it (flowers sent to his/my work, gifts, unexpected calls etc.).

    As long as you guys have a mutual mature approach to make it work, you guys can handle and definitely do it.

    In the future, both of you will look back and feel very accomplished because both of you beat the odds despite what the general population thinks about LDR.
  • hockeydude12

    Posts: 169

    Oct 22, 2010 4:58 PM GMT
    Id say dump the guy and find someone better?
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    Oct 22, 2010 5:02 PM GMT
    They have a saying for those things in Latin america:

    "Amor de lejos es amor de pendejos"

    But, hell, it might work for some, anythings possible!
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    Oct 22, 2010 5:06 PM GMT
    My suggestion would be to just fuck other guys when your b/f isn't around.
  • MagnetiKo

    Posts: 9

    Oct 22, 2010 5:21 PM GMT
    amar_m saidThey have a saying for those things in Latin america:

    "Amor de lejos es amor de pendejos"

    But, hell, it might work for some, anythings possible!



    There's another saying:

    "Amor de lejos, felices los cuatro"


    Best of luck with that!! really... let us know how it works out,
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    Oct 22, 2010 5:51 PM GMT
    hockeydude12 saidId say dump the guy and find someone better?


    Who knows, maybe he'll find better when I'm away too, or just lose interest because it's too much effort... icon_neutral.gif

    ...But that's not the point of the thread. I truly believe that this short-term obstacle is surmountable and am clearly committed to making this work. Call it youthful optimism if you like.

    And thanks to everyone - especially the well-wishers - for the advice! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 22, 2010 5:54 PM GMT
    MagnetiKo said
    amar_m saidThey have a saying for those things in Latin america:

    "Amor de lejos es amor de pendejos"

    But, hell, it might work for some, anythings possible!



    There's another saying:

    "Amor de lejos, felices los cuatro"




    LMAO!!!!! icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 22, 2010 8:07 PM GMT

    this should say it all


  • abflexman

    Posts: 121

    Oct 22, 2010 8:24 PM GMT
    I have to agree the biggest two ingredients are Trust and Communication. Plus a plan/goal for the future.

    I have been with my man now for nearly a year, we have some 4500 miles between us, but he is definitely worth it.

    I also believe you have to both be equally into each other and both really want to make it work.

    It is tough for sure, but it makes those moments together that much more special :-)
  • Little_Spoon

    Posts: 1562

    Oct 22, 2010 8:24 PM GMT
    Don't.
  • BlackBeltGuy

    Posts: 2609

    Oct 25, 2010 2:57 AM GMT
    it can work but the boundaries are light