Not Closeted, but Covering

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 22, 2010 2:27 PM GMT
    I am not closeted. I make no pretense nor do I go out of my way to hide or lie to others about my relationships or interests. If I like someone, I pursue them, male or female. I just go about my life and assume other people will be cool. If asked by a close friend or aquaintance, if I feel comfortable enough to share my personal life with that person, I do tell them about guys I see, etc.

    What I am not comfortable with however is making myself a target out in public. Holding hands out in public with a guy, kissing in public, any displays of affection generally make me uncomfortable. It's as if I've accepted who I am for myself, but still feel pressure to assimilate.


    I'd like to hear what you guys think about this. I'm not sure as of now either way whether I am alright with this or not. Obviously I'd like to be able to freely express who I am at all times.
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    Oct 22, 2010 2:31 PM GMT
    I think many agree and prefer no public displays of affection. Applies to some straights as well.
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    Oct 22, 2010 2:56 PM GMT
    socalfitness saidI think many agree and prefer no public displays of affection. Applies to some straights as well.
    I agree and disagree.
    I agree that if it's going to be looked down on for gays to do it, it should also be banned (or at least socially taboo) for straights to do it as well.
    The only problem is if it were banned, like outlawed, that would also eliminate friendly flirting, because that's also seen as a form of affection...even if not sexual.

    Personally, I hold hands in public. If it makes me a target, it makes me a target. I'll fight to the death if I have to.
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    Oct 22, 2010 3:14 PM GMT
    Some things are in bad taste, no matter who is doing them, queers, non-queers, etc.

    Being honest about your sexuality doesn't mean that you need to put it in everyone's face.

    Two days ago, Logan and I drove by an elementary school here in Lewisville. Two kids were there sucking face and they couldn't have been over 12. I understand that in some cultures that stuff goes on at such a young age, but, was it prudent? Should it have been allowed?

    If I'm on the train, I don't need a couple of queers, or non-queers, making out. Save that crap the privacy of your home. It has no place in public.

    If you wanna' do the hand holding, well, o.k., but, it certainly doesn't define who you are.

    Many times, just because we can do something it doesn't mean we should.

    You're reasonable and prudent in your outlook and actions, I think.

    I have to giggle at the young men lately who feel they have to expose have their ass crack to have an identity. Isn't that just a little bit telling of their actual self esteem?
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    Oct 22, 2010 3:49 PM GMT
    I'm usually not one who initiates PDA but will initiate a kiss in public if appropriate to the situation. I definitely dislike anyone pushing their relationship in my face and try not to as well.

    Earlier this month I was walking in Chelsea with a guy that I had been going with. He likes PDA and was holding my hand while we were walking and having a discussion. Within ten minutes there had been at least 5 different people (that I noticed) passing by who were looking at us with such sincere deep smiles. It didn't really hit me until afterward that they were responding to us. Later on about a minute after we left a movie theater, holding hands, a young woman came up to us and said "You two look so cute together, may I take a picture?" (I responded "no.")

    I guess we were fortunate to have been in a gay (friendly) neighborhood. Our PDA was holding hands while having a conversation totally unrelated to sex etc. We were not flaunting anything but were apparently either very noticeable or people were just on the outlook for PDA, or both.
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    Oct 22, 2010 4:21 PM GMT
    When I was still arranging my clothes closet, in 05 my wife and I were in the Castro in SF on a sunday so all the boys were still in bed. Except...two guys, very cute and young were out for a sunday stroll. They were holding hands and walking down the street, and i smiled to myself and felt warm inside.

    I have no problem with PDA, straight or gay. What I have a problem with is over active PDA. if you want to do a tonsilectomy on your partner with your tongue, for god's sake, getta room. A lip peck or hand holding is fine. I am fully accepting of myself and confident to do that. I just bought a rainbow ring which i will proudly wear.

    In short Eric, a time and a place appropriate for everything....be well brother....Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Oct 22, 2010 4:22 PM GMT
    Sylas said
    What I am not comfortable with however is making myself a target out in public. Holding hands out in public with a guy, kissing in public, any displays of affection generally make me uncomfortable. It's as if I've accepted who I am for myself, but still feel pressure to assimilate.


    Men who aren't comfortable enough to be seen with their bf or date in public aren't worth my time. I can't stand men who are to afraid to be themselves in public.
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    Oct 23, 2010 4:35 AM GMT
    I'm pretty sure you're not worth anyones time.



    why don't you re read the original post and respond intelligently. You wouldn't last a second on the streets of Richmond. haha
    *he must live in some gay sectioned off neighborhood. ..must be nice.
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    Oct 23, 2010 4:38 AM GMT
    Oh this thread is getting nasty!

    BitchSlap.gif
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    Oct 23, 2010 4:41 AM GMT
    Sylas said Obviously I'd like to be able to freely express who I am at all times.


    I read it correctly.
    You aren't feeling the need to assimilate because you see couples showing affection all the time in public. It seems like you are just afraid to be perceived as a 'gay' in public. It is fairly common among men who consider them self to be 'straight-acting' or 'masc'.
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    Oct 23, 2010 4:46 AM GMT
    Damn mnboy, you're new and already getting yourself into all sorts of trouble. Carry on.

    To the OP, I dislike PDA regardless of whose involved straight, gay, cat, dog, etc. I don't however consider holding hands PDA and would be perfectly comfortable holding a guys hand while walking down the street. I hardly think that's flaunting my sexuality in someones face but rather just being myself.
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    Oct 23, 2010 4:51 AM GMT
    KardioKing saidDamn mnboy, you're new and already getting yourself into all sorts of trouble. Carry on.

    To the OP, I dislike PDA regardless of whose involved straight, gay, cat, dog, etc. I don't however consider holding hands PDA and would be perfectly comfortable holding a guys hand while walking down the street. I hardly think that's flaunting my sexuality in someones face but rather just being myself.


    Not trying to at all. icon_confused.gif I just post what I think and people seem to feel like that have to tell me that they dont like my post or say something about it. Of course Im prideful and opinionated so I must refute it. Just my nature.
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    Oct 23, 2010 4:52 AM GMT
    I agree with you. I don't like to make my personal business public, but also I'm willing to admit that I just don't like making a scene because I know some people will react negatively. Some people call it cowardice, aka mnboy, but I call it modesty. I'm not going to pretend I don't like getting nasty looks from strangers and being thought down on by others.

    Someone asked me once if I would PDA if the roles were switched and it was weird for straight people to hold hands and kiss in public, but ok for gays. I answer yes. Obviously if it is accepted by society then I'm going to be making less of a scene, and that's how I like it. Just like you said, I don't like making myself a target.
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    Oct 23, 2010 4:54 AM GMT
    mnboy said
    Sylas said Obviously I'd like to be able to freely express who I am at all times.


    I read it correctly.
    You aren't feeling the need to assimilate because you see couples showing affection all the time in public. It seems like you are just afraid to be perceived as a 'gay' in public. It is fairly common among men who consider them self to be 'straight-acting' or 'masc'.


    WRG.
    When I dated women I was never one who engaged in public affection. It prob has more to do w/ what I've been exposed to and how much of a uptight prude I am than ones perception of me. Don't be so quick to ridicule. It might also be that sylas has not met that guy that he will be so comfortable around that this is no longer an issue.
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    Oct 23, 2010 4:57 AM GMT
    Hillie said
    mnboy said
    Sylas said Obviously I'd like to be able to freely express who I am at all times.


    I read it correctly.
    You aren't feeling the need to assimilate because you see couples showing affection all the time in public. It seems like you are just afraid to be perceived as a 'gay' in public. It is fairly common among men who consider them self to be 'straight-acting' or 'masc'.


    WRG.
    When I dated women I was never one who engaged in public affection. It prob has more to do w/ what I've been exposed to and how much of a uptight prude I am than ones perception of me. Don't be so quick to ridicule. It might also be that sylas has not met that guy that he will be so comfortable around that this is no longer an issue.


    Are you bi? Because if you aren't this really doesn't mean anything since you don't like women.
    There is a difference when you are with someone you want to be and with someone to 'assimilate'.

    To the OP,
    No, I don't live in a 'gay sectioned off neighborhood', Im just not afraid to be who I am in public. Especially, when Im with my bf.
    EDIT: Pretty sure if you are that afraid to be who you are either move or learn to defend yourself.
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    Oct 23, 2010 5:22 AM GMT
    mnboy said
    Hillie said
    mnboy said
    Sylas said Obviously I'd like to be able to freely express who I am at all times.


    I read it correctly.
    You aren't feeling the need to assimilate because you see couples showing affection all the time in public. It seems like you are just afraid to be perceived as a 'gay' in public. It is fairly common among men who consider them self to be 'straight-acting' or 'masc'.


    WRG.
    When I dated women I was never one who engaged in public affection. It prob has more to do w/ what I've been exposed to and how much of a uptight prude I am than ones perception of me. Don't be so quick to ridicule. It might also be that sylas has not met that guy that he will be so comfortable around that this is no longer an issue.


    Are you bi? Because if you aren't this really doesn't mean anything since you don't like women.
    There is a difference when you are with someone you want to be and with someone to 'assimilate'.

    To the OP,
    No, I don't live in a 'gay sectioned off neighborhood', Im just not afraid to be who I am in public. Especially, when Im with my bf.
    EDIT: Pretty sure if you are that afraid to be who you are either move or learn to defend yourself.



    I'm on the tail end of an 8yr relationship w/ a women. Most of my long term dating history has been w/ women. If I wanted to assimilate I would mimic things I thought my str8 counterparts did. Ppl who need to suck face in the middle of the street or at a store while shopping I just don't get, str8 or gay. Holding hands is not a big deal and doesn't even apply I have more of an issue w/ those who take center stage when what they really need is a bedrm.
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    Oct 23, 2010 5:24 AM GMT
    HilliePpl who need to suck face in the middle of the street or at a store while shopping I just don't get, str8 or gay. Holding hands is not a big deal and doesn't even apply I have more of an issue w/ those who take center stage when what they really need is a bedrm.


    Hear Hear!!
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    Oct 23, 2010 5:24 AM GMT
    HilliePpl who need to suck face in the middle of the street or at a store while shopping I just don't get, str8 or gay. Holding hands is not a big deal and doesn't even apply I have more of an issue w/ those who take center stage when what they really need is a bedrm.


    Hear Hear!!
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    Oct 23, 2010 5:28 AM GMT
    I agree with you 100%. PDA is not right, and I don't care if you are straight, gay, or whatever.
  • creature

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    Oct 23, 2010 12:25 PM GMT
    I'm going to side with mnboy on this issue.

    First, let's not look at PDA to the extreme, such as groping or locking lips for what may seem like hours. If you examine it at its minimal, like holding hands, I don't see how that is inappropriate at all. The OP says he doesn't even feel comfortable doing that.

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    Oct 23, 2010 12:27 PM GMT
    Ehm .. PDA is generally NOT accepted in a lot of cultures... in Asia and the middle east, men and women cant even hold hands...

    In the Caribbean, you will NEVER see ppl make out in the street... its just not considered proper
  • creature

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    Oct 23, 2010 12:38 PM GMT
    In this context we're talking about the United States, and there has not be an issue with a man and a woman holding hands for decades at least.
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    Oct 23, 2010 12:40 PM GMT
    Thats all well and good, but in the East, its perfectly ok for people of the same sex to hold hands, only in the west is this considered "PDA" for people of the same sex
  • creature

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    Oct 23, 2010 12:45 PM GMT
    I've read about that. You'll often see guys holding hands out of friendship. But through a Westerner's eyes, those two men are presumed to be gay.
  • HndsmKansan

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    Oct 23, 2010 12:56 PM GMT
    I personally don't think there are any issues here, except one of comfort.
    It sounds like you go about your life in a way you are comfortable, except for the concern about "expressions of affection in public". While that isn't at the top of my "list" so to speak, I probably wouldn't give a damn what people in public thought should I want to follow that course of action.

    I can tell you there are people who know my bf and I are a couple at
    nurseries, restaurants, etc. I don't have problems and we have a great time.

    You aren't closeted, nor "covering" so far as I'm concerned. Now if you were
    "concerned" about showing affection in public....because you wanted to, we'd have a different problem.