Death/Dealing with it

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 22, 2010 6:06 PM GMT
    I've very recently had several people close to me die (cancer, drunk driving and double suicide were the causes) and I've had quite an unusual time dealing with it. Most of them were friends who did not take my coming out in high school as a positive event (perhaps the understatement of my week), but we've since made up. I've had so many friends die in the past few years in various situations and with each one, I never seem to get out of the denial stage of grief. My friends and family back in the States are having a hard time understanding my apparent distance with these situations (not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to send condolences, using light humor to change the subject, etc). I'm confused with myself as to why I can't seem to confront my feelings with these deaths. I know it has a lot to do with how far I am geographically from their families, but my brain is in a fight with itself all the time wondering why I don't seem to want to reach out to them. I keep thinking that if someone in my immediate family died, I would virtually shut down and not want to hear from anyone.

    I'm not seeking inexpensive therapy advice with this post, I'm just wondering if anyone seems to get stuck in the same stage of grief and could reveal some things they've noticed with their mental state right after a death. Thanks.
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    Oct 22, 2010 6:26 PM GMT
    we all grieve differently, there is no rule book on it....your mind will process what it thinks it can handle. don't overanalyze, just let the process flow over time.....Keithicon_cool.gif
  • awayfromtheci...

    Posts: 154

    Oct 22, 2010 10:00 PM GMT
    There is no expiration on grief and you have had a great deal of loss to handle. Being honest with where you are and where you are not, is a good first step. Doesn't matter what other people say, only matters how you deal with it. When I lost my sister, my dear friend and business partner and my dog of twelve years all in the space of three months, I thought about that saying, "god does not give you more than you can handle"....I thought who ever came up with that was lying. Over two years later (all in our own time and way), I am now finding my way out of the hole of grief and sadness that was daily. Take it one second, one minute and one day at a time. So sorry for your losses.

    PS. Cheaper than a shrink and significantly more attuned to these issues are Grief Counselors (they have seen everything X10) and mine was amazing.
  • michaeltex

    Posts: 77

    Oct 22, 2010 10:07 PM GMT
    Get a dog. Animals seemed to help me through times like that...
  • xKorix

    Posts: 607

    Oct 22, 2010 10:24 PM GMT
    I'm sorry to hear about your losses. I am glad though to hear you're concerned about, facing, and wanting to face your feelings and not wanting to numb or distract yourself. It's really brave and shows a lot of awareness.
    But yeah your body and mind are doing the best they can and what's best for you. If it's not time to grieve yet, it's not time. But maybe its time to get your mind off and focus on other things(take a break so to speak). We all need our rest and to take time off to recharge and when you return to face this again, maybe it'll be time to grieve. Its best to accept and not judge the process, where you're at is where you're at, your body and mind will know what's best and its best just to trust that the process will complete itself.
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    Oct 22, 2010 11:10 PM GMT
    michaeltex saidGet a dog. Animals seemed to help me through times like that...


    Animals are VERY theraputic for most people. perhaps even visiting a shelter would help.
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    Oct 23, 2010 12:44 AM GMT
    Also, if you get a pet,
    it may teach you how to grieve. It will take a while, but thats how life is.
  • JayDT

    Posts: 390

    Oct 23, 2010 1:22 AM GMT
    Having experienced my own loss recently, my brother committed suicide Memorial Day weekend, I've done quite a bit of research into the grieving process. One phenomenon that I ran into was that in many cases, while the person may have been very dear to you, if they were not part of your every day life, you didn't speak to them daily or see them daily, the pain and the loss can feel very surreal and in some cases diminished. This does not mean that your pain is not real or that you are not grieving. This was the case with my dad's wife. My father was upset at her because she grieved more visibly and openly over the loss of her cat than she did for the loss of my brother. The difference was that she saw the cat daily and not my brother. It's not to say that she loved the cat more than my brother, it's just to say that she felt the void left by the cat more strongly than that left by my brother. It comes to us all in waves. You'll be fine.
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    Oct 23, 2010 1:46 AM GMT
    JayDT saidIt's not to say that she loved the cat more than my brother, it's just to say that she felt the void left by the cat more strongly


    As strange as this sounds, this is actually a peek into what grief is. The process is governed by quantity assessment, not quality assessment. More allocated resources prior to death (in brain power, calorie/chemical expenditure) means more intense withdrawal after the subject starts to be missed.
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    Oct 23, 2010 10:03 AM GMT
    JayDT saidOne phenomenon that I ran into was that in many cases, while the person may have been very dear to you, if they were not part of your every day life, you didn't speak to them daily or see them daily, the pain and the loss can feel very surreal and in some cases diminished. This does not mean that your pain is not real or that you are not grieving. This was the case with my dad's wife. My father was upset at her because she grieved more visibly and openly over the loss of her cat than she did for the loss of my brother. The difference was that she saw the cat daily and not my brother. It's not to say that she loved the cat more than my brother, it's just to say that she felt the void left by the cat more strongly than that left by my brother. It comes to us all in waves. You'll be fine.


    I did mourn my cat indeed.... a daily presence is indeed felt more strongly... thanks for that

    Condolences to the OP... The process will go by itself and is different for everyone... some ppl break out in hysterical laughter.....
  • hdurdinr

    Posts: 699

    Oct 23, 2010 10:56 AM GMT
    I lost my father and partner last year within five months of each other and I am still processing it all and probably will for the rest of my life, but a book that really helps me is called 'on grief and grieving' by Elizabeth K├╝bler-Ross - I highly recommend getting it. Also, I was part of a online support group when my partner died of cancer - maybe look in to something like that as well. All the best to you, and I suppose the best advice I can give is to not feel any pressure to grieve - don't think things like 'I should be more upset' - as others have mentioned your mind is working it out in it's own way. When those painful feelings and memories come up though, don't push them away - instead embrace them and go down deeper until you touch your sadness.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2013 3:04 PM GMT
    Last night I lost one of the greatest loves of my life.
    Within 36 hours, she went from happy scamp to dying in my arms.
    I had the strength of composer to hold her and kiss her on the head as she passed....a kiss just like daddy always gave. She went to whatever's next in the warmth of a strong, loving embrace rather than soaked by tears.

    I held up until I carried the body to the crematorium.
    She was still warm...and so beautiful. So relaxed.
    No longer stressed and anxious,
    Ellie Mae looked like herself.

    I hugged her and kissed her, gently moved her body from the car to the stretcher, then my world reeled. All my fuses blew for self preservation.
    My heart is broken, but I can't even cry.


    I'll have deal with it. What choice does anyone have? You plod on.
    I'm not good at self analysis...staring at my navel trying to figure things out.
    I'll remember the great times, the bond the two of us had, the way Ellie Mae was intertwined into nearly every aspect of life...she was such a character....and when I think I can't stand it and I'm coming apart, I'll go a minute longer.
    Then I'll know I can stand anything.

    Gotta buck up. I've got to do this again with the next homeless, orphan nobody loves. Here's to the underdog.
    8353019047_9181ce56ca.jpg
    Ellie Mae
    Aug 2004 (est) - Jan 5, 2013
    Who luvs ya, baby
    !?


    I just remembered, Wes used to say Ellie Mae and I have a special connection 'cuz we're both high maintenance bitches. icon_razz.gif


    I'll be by your side
    Wherever you fall
    In the dead of night
    Whenever you call
    Please don't fight
    These hands that are holding you
    My hands are holding you
    Cause I love you
    I want you to know
    That I love you
    And I'll never let you go.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2013 4:29 PM GMT
    The process of grieving takes TIME. Time heals all wounds, it's not just an exprssion, it's something my grandmother told me, and she knew what she was talking about. Many conversations with grieving people taught me that you just keep putting one foot in front of the other. In other words, you keep going, because there's no other choice. You never "get over it", rather you eventually get used to it. And then there's room in life for more enjoyable things, when you are ready to begin experiencing them again. You're still alive, you might as well, at the very least, have some distractions to pass the time.
    That said, I have a blunt writng style, I do hope what I said is helpful to you, and not insensitive. God Bless, and hang in there. icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2013 4:45 PM GMT
    Thanks for sharing, and my condolences for your losses. Everyone here has posted some great things. Get some counseling to help you through the processes. Even if hospice wasn't involved in your losses, I'm sure that they wouldn't turn you away from some very excellent no-cost crisis support. If you're a book person, here are some excellent reads. Best wishes tp you.
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