Gay Men and their obsession with the word "Friends"

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 25, 2010 3:40 PM GMT
    It seems like every gay guy I meet wants to be "friends"...It's almost an obsession...Even if they really don't have much in common with me, they are obsessed with being friends and get personally offended when I say I'm not interested in new friends.

    I hardly ever see Straight people with this obsession. If I meet men and women at a straight party, our conversation NEVER ends with the other person trying to get my cell phone number to be "friends". Its like they understand that friendship and compatibility is established over time, not after ONE conversation.

    If I see one more profile that says "looking for friends" or one more guy that says if I'm going to date you we have to be "friends first" I'm gonna just become a celibate hermit for the rest of my life...

    Even after you date a guy for a few times and it doesn't work out, he still wants to try to be "friends"...I'm always like, "No, Why are you still texting me? It didn't work out...I have enough friends already, all of whom I have never had sex with."

    My REAL friends are in my "friend zone" aka I don't have sex with friends...I didn't just make that term up either, lol.

    Oh, the "mature" thing to do is to accept their consolation prize of friendship? So I'm good enough to continue hanging out with and texting all the time as "friends" yet I didnt meet their oh so high dating standards?

    Don't get me wrong. I can accept remaining cordial so that if we see each other in a public place we can exchange greetings. Or even to keep the person as an associate for networking purposes...but friends?

    Why are Gay Men such friendship whores?

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    Oct 25, 2010 3:42 PM GMT
    lol, well not to worry, with a warning like that, we won't attempt it with you, promise.
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    Oct 25, 2010 3:52 PM GMT
    just passing thru, not looking for friends, sorry.......yikes (runs towards door).........Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Oct 25, 2010 3:53 PM GMT
    Indy404 saidWhy are Gay Men such friendship whores?

    Perhaps because being gay is sort of like belonging to an exclusive club, to which the general public is barred (and because they often bar us from their own club). Hence the increased likelihood of gay friendship is assumed.

    Your resistance to this gay benefit is puzzling. There are guys here who would kill to have potential gay friends knocking at their door. And I enjoy and take advantage of it myself.
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    Oct 25, 2010 4:02 PM GMT
    And yet a person's popularity on almost every "straight/mixed" social networking site is built around how many "friends" they have.
    Are you SURE it's just a gay thing? Or are gays just copying straights? icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 25, 2010 4:14 PM GMT
    meninlove said lol, well not to worry, with a warning like that, we won't attempt it with you, promise.


    Well, boys...that was well put!! Anyone notice my profile name? Or ever read my profile? Gee, I hope that someday I get to the point when I can say..."sorry, I don't have time or space in my life for any more friends"
    AND, hopefully, I'll become a pile of ashes if that day ever comes!!
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    Oct 25, 2010 4:36 PM GMT
    meninlove said lol, well not to worry, with a warning like that, we won't attempt it with you, promise.


    LOL...I think you kinda know what I mean....and I think I more so mean this when it comes to guys who want the "friends with benefit" thing...Like they only want to remain friends because they want to keep you in their back pocket...that "break glass in case of emergency" thing...

    Most of the Gay men that have wanted to be my so-called "friend" do so as they constantly flirt and make innuendos....Or they say things like "you keep dating all these losers when you have a good thing right under your nose."

    SIGH..."Friends with ulterior motives" is what I call them....My REAL friends and I have NEVER had sex or kissed or cuddled or any of that...we're like brothers and I can take their advice about other men without questioning whether or not they are purposely trying to sabotage the potential relationship to benefit their own agenda with me...
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    Oct 25, 2010 4:41 PM GMT
    Indy404 said
    meninlove said lol, well not to worry, with a warning like that, we won't attempt it with you, promise.


    LOL...I think you kinda know what I mean....and I think I more so mean this when it comes to guys who want the "friends with benefit" thing...Like they only want to remain friends because they want to keep you in their back pocket...that "break glass in case of emergency" thing...
    It takes a special kind of person to have friends with benefits and pull it off without any troubles.
    Just ask any of my FWB's...with whom I have never broken up with a single one. Even the one of 7 years and counting. icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 25, 2010 6:05 PM GMT
    huh? is it really that terrible to have another friend? o.O

    i don't think i could ever reach a point where i have too many. granted you can't hang out with all of them all the time. you have your close circle and then the ppl you hang with occasionally and then acquaintances... but they're all good to have! i can't tell you how many times i've been in a bind and been helped by or been introduced to someone important (pro photogs/animators/writers/etc who can give me advice) by some of the friends that used to be lovers or whatever.

    Indy404If I see one more profile that says "looking for friends" or one more guy that says if I'm going to date you we have to be "friends first" I'm gonna just become a celibate hermit for the rest of my life...


    i don't understand what's so bad about gradually letting your personalities unfold to one another as friends first than sitting in a restaurant trying to learn as much as possible about a person in a matter of hours.

    Indy404Even after you date a guy for a few times and it doesn't work out, he still wants to try to be "friends"


    oh NO! DAMN IT! I was hoping to never speak to them again. now there's someone else that might do horrible things like invite me to parties or see movies with me or drag my ass downtown for some fun

    Indy404Oh, the "mature" thing to do is to accept their consolation prize of friendship?


    i don't want to be mean but that is kind of an immature way of looking at it... i generally consider myself lucky that i get to keep this person, with those wonderful qualities that made me want to date them, in my life still. who knows? maybe you'll rub off on one another and be a better person for it.

    Indy404SIGH..."Friends with ulterior motives" is what I call them....


    then just let them know you're not interested, either through body language or directly. also, just because you've had sex in the past doesn't mean you can't be /real/ friends afterwards. my favorite person to talk to is an ex and we had sex. she isn't plotting against me or sabotaging my love life.
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    Oct 25, 2010 6:49 PM GMT
    The answer is simple, a lot of guys either want to (a)hook up only, or (b)are solely determined to jump into a long term relationship and settle down, and occassionally (c) friends with benefits. Other guys don't have a set agenda and are thus going to go on a case by case scenario with guys they may meet after starting a friendship and then making an informed decision as to which box they want to tick with the person involved.


    Many guys, such as myself, aren't always going to be so rash to jump into a relationship with somebody they hardly know, and are wise to assume a gradual friendship first. They haven't a set agenda.That way, they will be able to assess if they find somebody attractive, compatible and it allows time for deeper feelings to settle, if they ever will at all. If something does organically develop beyond a platonic relationship, great icon_biggrin.gif, if they don't, well, you have made a friend, and real friendship can be just as valueable to a person. It's a win win.

    There is a huge difference between somebody being a friend and somebody being a friend with benefits, not everybody uses those terms as interchangeable synonyms.

    I understand what you mean re post-relationship friendships, however, if the bond was a deep personal one, not just physical, or for the sake of filling the 'boyfriend void' in one's life, then surely it is a sign of maturity to be able to carry on as friends. Maybe not right away if one person feels the wound of seperation, but if you find that you don't ever want to be friends with them afterwards out of indifference to that person, as opposed to there being significant harm committed by the other person to you at any point, then you were never really meant to be together anyway, and you need to question your real motives.



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    Oct 25, 2010 6:56 PM GMT
    Sage_Humour saidThe answer is simple, a lot of guys either want to (a)hook up only, or (b)are solely determined to jump into a long term relationship and settle down, and occassionally (c) friends with benefits. Other guys don't have a set agenda and are thus going to go on a case by case scenario with guys they may meet after starting a friendship and then making an informed decision as to which box they want to tick with the person involved.


    Many guys, such as myself, aren't always going to be so rash to jump into a relationship with somebody they hardly know, and are wise to assume a gradual friendship first. They haven't a set agenda.That way, they will be able to assess if they find somebody attractive, compatible and it allows time for deeper feelings to settle, if they ever will at all. If something does organically develop beyond a platonic relationship, great icon_biggrin.gif, if they don't, well, you have made a friend, and real friendship can be just as valueable to a person. It's a win win.

    There is a huge difference between somebody being a friend and somebody being a friend with benefits, not everybody uses those terms as interchangeable synonyms.

    I understand what you mean re post-relationship friendships, however, if the bond was a deep personal one, not just physical, or for the sake of filling the 'boyfriend void' in one's life, then surely it is a sign of maturity to be able to carry on as friends. Maybe not right away if one person feels the wound of seperation, but if you find that you don't ever want to be friends with them afterwards out of indifference to that person, as opposed to there being significant harm committed by the other person to you at any point, then you were never really meant to be together anyway, and you need to question your real motives.



    Okay finally a response that doesn't attack me for not wanting to be friends with every gay man in the world...LOL...

    I think that's my main problem, the agendas guys have...I can see if they wanted to be friends because of some similar interests or because we worked in the same field...

    But 100% of the gay people I'm talking about are guys that only want to be friends because we both happen to be gay...OR because they think I'm attractive and want to keep me around for later...

    If I strike up conversation with a straight guy while waiting in a line somewhere, we'd have our casual exchange and move on...but if this were a GAY guy, he'd be asking for my cell number and address and start picking out drapes for our future home....SMH
  • tajsreve

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    Oct 25, 2010 9:23 PM GMT
    I don't mean this to sound like an attack of any kind, but I don't really understand the issue.
    I don't ever have a conversation with someone, that I am not interested in being friends with, to last long enough for a request for a telephone number and address to be part of the conversation.
    I don't spend that kind of time interacting with someone whom I have nothing in common with or don't feel that it will go anywhere.
    If this would happen to me, that I wonder what someone's agenda is, then I would also begin to wonder what it was that I did or said to make him think that I would want to exchange phone numbers, let alone addresses.
    Does that make sense?
    I don't see gay men any different than anyone else in this respect. I have had this happen to me with women, but then I also know that I was being to casual and crossing the hetro/homo lines. Hard to explain, but I flirt with women alot and there are times that is dangerous even if they know you're gay.
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    Oct 25, 2010 10:57 PM GMT
    tajsreve saidI don't mean this to sound like an attack of any kind, but I don't really understand the issue.
    I don't ever have a conversation with someone, that I am not interested in being friends with, to last long enough for a request for a telephone number and address to be part of the conversation.
    I don't spend that kind of time interacting with someone whom I have nothing in common with or don't feel that it will go anywhere.
    If this would happen to me, that I wonder what someone's agenda is, then I would also begin to wonder what it was that I did or said to make him think that I would want to exchange phone numbers, let alone addresses.
    Does that make sense?
    I don't see gay men any different than anyone else in this respect. I have had this happen to me with women, but then I also know that I was being to casual and crossing the hetro/homo lines. Hard to explain, but I flirt with women alot and there are times that is dangerous even if they know you're gay.


    Well contrary to what I wrote in the Original Post, I'm a affable guy so striking up a superficial conversation with someone in public comes easy to me...Even in Gay places like bars, house parties, etc...But my thing is, every connection doesn't have to be a love connection or even a connection where I now have the telephone number of EVERY person I spoke to that evening...

    Whenever I'm at a Gay event, 100% of the time conversation seems like a formality to them asking for my number (wink, wink) [no seriously, one dude literally winked at me].

    Example Conversation:

    Him: How are you?
    Me: Great thanks, you?
    Him: Better now that I'm talking to you.
    Me: (Sigh) So this is a nice place isn't it? I've never been here before, you?
    Him: (ignores question) So who are you here with? Are you single?

    You can guess the rest...LOL..I'm exaggerating and I really do get flattered by this but it seems most gay mean don't understand the concept of a momentary casual exchange or acquaintance.

    Not to mention the quasi-stalkers who want to find out your name and phone number so they can Google you...One guy didn't even bother to ask my name to know what to refer to me as, he wanted it so he could add me on Facebook...SMH
  • DCEric

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    Oct 26, 2010 12:03 AM GMT
    I think I am missing something. I always like having more friends, and I am more than willing to have friends who think and act differently from me. That exposes me to new ideas and activities.

    /Also, I get to say, "some of my best friends are Republicans" with a straight face.
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    Oct 26, 2010 12:09 AM GMT
    I'm not quite sure what to make of emails from guys I've never talk to or communicated with that say "I really hope we can become friends". Really? You find it a sensible conclusion that you want to be friends with me based on my pictures and 3-4 sentences of pretty dry text?
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    Oct 26, 2010 12:11 AM GMT
    I know what you mean.
    There is a group of them here that want to be friends with me and my other two buddies. Why? Because we are, i quote, 'the straightest gays they have ever met'. So but not looking for more friends, especially, ones who dont even like sports... icon_mad.gif
  • MSUBioNerd

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    Oct 26, 2010 12:16 AM GMT
    I also don't get the antipathy toward being friends with someone you went on a few dates with. I get it if the relationship didn't work out for some obvious bad thing one of you did -- cheating (however your relationship defines cheating), leaving you for someone else, mistreatment, etc. But there are plenty of perfectly nice guys I've gone out with a handful of times, lack of any real chemistry but genuinely nice and interesting people. I've gotten the let's be friends speech a few times. And then in several cases I proceeded to confuse the heck out of them by actually treating them like a friend and inviting them to parties, etc.
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    Oct 26, 2010 12:20 AM GMT
    MSUBioNerd saidI also don't get the antipathy toward being friends with someone you went on a few dates with. I get it if the relationship didn't work out for some obvious bad thing one of you did -- cheating (however your relationship defines cheating), leaving you for someone else, mistreatment, etc. But there are plenty of perfectly nice guys I've gone out with a handful of times, lack of any real chemistry but genuinely nice and interesting people. I've gotten the let's be friends speech a few times. And then in several cases I proceeded to confuse the heck out of them by actually treating them like a friend and inviting them to parties, etc.


    Super standard and happens across the board. So many men notoriously build up this false sense of friendship while preparing to make a beeline for the sexual part. When that isn't what they expected, or wanted, or even if it was, their entire pre-friendship part reveals itself to be a sham.
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    Oct 26, 2010 12:23 AM GMT
    Do you expect people to be anymore with you when you only show your eyes and your torso? Man, get real and stop being fearful.
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    Oct 26, 2010 12:31 AM GMT
    i think we could be friends dude, no homo
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    Oct 26, 2010 12:32 AM GMT
    PrinceOfArya saidi think we could be friends dude, no homo

    No homo?
    Not even just a little?
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    Oct 26, 2010 12:34 AM GMT
    Ciarsolo saidI'm not quite sure what to make of emails from guys I've never talk to or communicated with that say "I really hope we can become friends". Really? You find it a sensible conclusion that you want to be friends with me based on my pictures and 3-4 sentences of pretty dry text?


    EXACTLY!!!! He summed it up more concisely than I did....
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    Oct 26, 2010 12:36 AM GMT
    Ciarsolo said
    MSUBioNerd saidI also don't get the antipathy toward being friends with someone you went on a few dates with. I get it if the relationship didn't work out for some obvious bad thing one of you did -- cheating (however your relationship defines cheating), leaving you for someone else, mistreatment, etc. But there are plenty of perfectly nice guys I've gone out with a handful of times, lack of any real chemistry but genuinely nice and interesting people. I've gotten the let's be friends speech a few times. And then in several cases I proceeded to confuse the heck out of them by actually treating them like a friend and inviting them to parties, etc.


    Super standard and happens across the board. So many men notoriously build up this false sense of friendship while preparing to make a beeline for the sexual part. When that isn't what they expected, or wanted, or even if it was, their entire pre-friendship part reveals itself to be a sham.


    UGH Ciarsolo you're the only one that gets what I was basically trying to say...LOL
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    Oct 26, 2010 12:40 AM GMT
    I get the feeling that the conflict here is semantic.

    "Friendship" means something different to everyone. In fact, it means many things to each individual, given differing contexts.

    To me, and apparently you, it usually means something more intimate & sacred than what it means to many others. Particularly, status-conscious gays.

    Try to understand the intent behind the usage. Maybe it'll ease your frustration.
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    Oct 26, 2010 12:54 AM GMT
    Indy404 saidIt seems like every gay guy I meet wants to be "friends"...

    I always like to have a friend around ... icon_wink.gif


    youre_a_great_friend_but_if_the_zombies_