Boyfriend doesn't go down...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 25, 2010 7:19 PM GMT
    So, I have been with my boyfriend for two years and several months. We are, for all intents and purposes, entirely happy with our relationship, we are 100% monogamous and seem to be doing just fine (I'm the one more likely to cheat, but haven't and have not been sorely tempted at all thus far. I feel like I should get a merit badge for it but, if you don't get one for not punching people either...)

    Anyway, there is a single issue in our relationship that bothers me, but apparently doesn't bother him much at all and that is this: my boyfriend is apparently not really into giving head, and specifically afraid to swallow. He says that he's afraid he'll gag, and that it's a crazy irrational fear that he just can't shake.

    Now, there's backstory. We dated several years ago, briefly, about 6 months, and then I broke up with him. I was 18, stupid, immature, and not ready for anything serious like what we were getting into, and I still wanted to travel and live in other places for a while, whereas he was in college and committed to finishing it. Still, it was really hard on him. But in that time, he went down on my and swallowed several times, and of course visa versa. In the time since, he says that he's given head to other guys, and swallowed with them as well, but that at some point in the past few years he just developed this weird phobia.

    The other part is that he has in the passed had TMJD, which (for those unfamiliar) is basically a jaw issue that can, but doesn't always, lead to lockjaw. I'm a massage therapist, and have treated dozens of people for TMJD and resolved this kind of issue entirely for them. I have treated my boyfriend for some time now, and from what I can tell it seems to be cleared up. But, he says that he's afraid that if he goes down on me too much it will come back. Although i've assured him that it doesn't work like that, he insists that he's just uncomfortable enough.

    I have asked him outright if he just didn't like giving head, and he's told me that he does enjoy it. I've asked him if it is specifically me, like some old baggage from our last round, and he says that it isn't that either.

    Now me, I give him head sometimes every day, sometimes twice a day! I just really love doing it. It can be quick before work, 5 minutes, or long at the end of a hard (hah, no pun...) day, upwards of a hour or more. Our sex life is otherwise pretty healthy, although he doesn't always reciprocate, which is sometimes fine and sometimes NOT fine, but i'm not shy about speaking up.

    So for 2+ years, I have not had a blowjob at all. The only way he ever gets me off, is with a hand job. He's a dedicated top, which is fine because I'm a total bottom. We do screw, but not all that often.

    At first I didn't make this much of an issue, but we have talked about it, and what I want, but it doesn't seem to have changed anything. My question is, given all this, how much of an issue should this really be for me? I mean, I'm not unhappy, but that little bit of irritation sometimes rears it's ugly head and i can be in a bad mood for a day, especially if we have morning sex and he goes down on me for like 30 seconds - no matter what I do or say, 30 seconds is about the most that I get, and that rarely. Oral sex is my absolute favorite way to climax, it tops bottoming (hah, 'nother pun...) handjobs, jack-off sleeves, etc., entirely and by a mile.

    Is there some secret to getting him to be comfortable with it above and beyond what I've been trying? I have told him that I won't leave him if I never get head again, because it is honestly a stupid thing to break up over, and I don't want him to like, cry while he does it because he feels like he's being forced. But, if I was around someone who said, "Hey, wanna bj?" I'm not entirely certain that I could say no and stay faithful.

    What do you say? Anyone with a similar story, +1 solution?

    peace
    Vagrantwonder
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Oct 25, 2010 7:52 PM GMT
    it's only in stupid, real world life removed gay porno movies that have guys goin' down on each other for what seems to me hours at a time.

    there ARE many other methods of foreplay!

    WHY would you insist on him doing something he is not comfortable with?
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    Oct 25, 2010 8:14 PM GMT
    So he has a mental hangup about head. That really is the issue here and he has a few legitimate reasons to not be comfortable with it.

    Tell him that it is very important to you that you receive a bit of oral play and that you want to work with him on learning to enjoy giving head. Simply, let him do all the work. Let him find out where his boundaries are and let him explore what his mouth and throat are capable of. Do not pressure him to just suck the whole thing down.

    This makes it less you forcing him to give head but letting him safely explore giving head. Your cock is a magic theme park and he can just romp around at his pleasure.

    But the first step is telling him how important it is to you that you get some oral sex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 25, 2010 11:17 PM GMT
    rnchit's only in stupid, real world life removed gay porno movies that have guys goin' down on each other for what seems to me hours at a time.

    there ARE many other methods of foreplay!

    WHY would you insist on him doing something he is not comfortable with?


    There are many other methods of foreplay. Of the list of things he absolutely will not do, giving head is the only one that I take an issue with. He doesn't like any kind of toys. The few we've tried out make him visibly uncomfortable. He wouldn't even discuss rimming. He doesn't like his nipples played with, so he won't play with mine. He doesn't bite or nibble, has little patience for light strokes or caressing type action. Those things, though I enjoy them, I can live without if it means he can get his mind out of the way during sex.

    If you've read closely, I have put next to no pressure on him about this. I have let him know where it stands on my scale of enjoyment, I have been beyond generous in my own engagement of the act, and I have assured him that his refusal and or inability to do this for me will not endanger our relationship. This is a question, ultimately, about how to try and enrich our sex life, because the rest of the relationship makes the effort worth it. But if you have suggestions of alternative kinds of foreplay you'd like to suggest, I am all ears.

    MunchingZombieSo he has a mental hangup about head. That really is the issue here and he has a few legitimate reasons to not be comfortable with it.

    Tell him that it is very important to you that you receive a bit of oral play and that you want to work with him on learning to enjoy giving head. Simply, let him do all the work. Let him find out where his boundaries are and let him explore what his mouth and throat are capable of. Do not pressure him to just suck the whole thing down.

    This makes it less you forcing him to give head but letting him safely explore giving head. Your cock is a magic theme park and he can just romp around at his pleasure.

    But the first step is telling him how important it is to you that you get some oral sex.


    We have had this conversation before, but I haven't approached it from that angle. Which isn't to say that I have bluntly said "Give me head", but, our conversation on the topic usually goes, "You know I really enjoy getting head." "Yeah, I know." "Do you think we could give it a try? If you get uncomfortable, we don't have to keep going." "Okay, I'll try." (three weeks later, mid-act) "What do you say we give it a try?" "Oh, er, I don't really feel like it right now." "Okay, it's alright." (we screw, he cums screaming, I get the handjob of disappointment.)

    I have considered the possibility of doing some kind of couples counseling before.... but in the scheme of things it's just a minor thing. We have never had a legitimate argument, we are entirely in sync virtually all of the time (same cravings at the same time, same ideas at the same time, same songs stuck in our heads, etc.) We're practically borg, and while most would find it monumentally boring, we're basically blissfully happy the vast majority of the time. And we're perfectly different, if that makes sense - our interests don't compete or step on one another's toes, but are familiar enough that we can each support the other and take an interest. It's sickening, really, if you think about it.

    But, for whatever reason, I cannot seem to dig out of his head where this hangup comes from. I am the kind of person that is entirely willing to explore sex in new and interesting angles if my partner wants to explore. I also think that understanding one another's sexual interests/needs/wants, etc., and working with your partner to have a healthy and fulfilling sex life is important to a relationship. For him it's a blindspot he seems to just want to ignore.

    I will try talking to him from that angle though, and see how he responds to the idea. Thank you for the suggestion.

    Anyone who has more to say, please do!

    peace
    Vagrantwonder
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Oct 25, 2010 11:27 PM GMT
    LOL .... a phobia about giving head

    wow .... what a gay handicap
    icon_confused.gif

    but really ..... tell BF dude ...... I really like having sex with you but you know what would really turn me on?
    If you'd try and play with me orally

    No pressure .... tell him that he might try kissing or licking first and gradually up the ante each time
    So he doesn't have some sort of penis freak-out scene icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 26, 2010 5:45 AM GMT
    Cut him off until he blows you. No head? No ass. See if he likes getting nothing but handjobs for a few months.

    My last boyfriend wouldn't let me top him for the first month or two of our relationship, though I told him I was neither total top nor total bottom. I decided to cut him off. I told him he could top me again after I topped him. He held out about a week before becoming versatile with me. Fuck handjobs. Tell him it's time to put out or get out. icon_wink.gif
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    Oct 26, 2010 7:36 AM GMT
    So why does oral sexy have to end with cum in his mouth? You can take that out of the equation. I definitely think you need cut him off until he at least agrees to try it with you occasionally. Is there something you can do for him that he likes you aren't doing?