friends with ex's?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2007 9:41 PM GMT
    i am just wondering how many people are friends with thier ex's. this is just a curiousity thing, i am not friends with my ex's as there are reason why i am not in a relationship with them. but i know some people are. how many though? and i am not talking abour being friendly with them, i am talking about these are your friends, ones you make plans with often and hang out on regular basis and talk about whats happeing in your life.
    also what do you think that says to your current relationship person, should they accept it, or if they don't like it move on. i thankfully do not have that issue to deal with anymore. LOL
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 12, 2007 2:26 AM GMT
    Well, I have 2 "ex's." I was in a cult with one, and we didn't talk anymore after they made him get married, and I left the cult (It's a pretty exciting story if you want to hear it).

    I kept in contact with the second one, but he was in counseling because he was trying to hook up with people on the internet when we were dating, (I'm so freaking thankful we never "went all the way"). Anyway, we kept in contact, but he was kind of dishonest about his reasons for staying in contact, i.e. he wanted to get back together. So I had to say 'we can't be in contact anymore because it isn't good for your mental health," so that was the end of that. And those are the only two people I would consider myself to have been in a relationship with. Sad, short list.
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    Jun 12, 2007 2:42 AM GMT
    I'm up for hearing your cult adventure.
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    Jun 12, 2007 2:55 AM GMT
    I was with my boyfriend for 10 years, and still am friends with him. I guess some people think it's odd, but I'm proud of the fact there wasn't any hostility. Granted, I waited until he was with someone before I agreed to hang out with him. I didn't want him thinking there were any feelings left. I talk to him maybe once a week. We were great friends, that shouldn't change just because we didn't work out as a couple.
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    Jun 12, 2007 3:04 AM GMT
    As with most things in life, I think that you have to take it on a case by case basis. For myself, the key issue would be ... Why is this person an ex? Was it a mutual decision due to distance issues or did someone cheat?

    I'm on decent terms with the guy that I dated for 5 years. Although our relationship ended badly, I want for him to be happy. However, I have little interest in hanging out for more than a cup of coffee and the occasional phone call that I'd have with a distant relative. If things would have ended differently, I could see us being friends because the qualities that attracted me to him as a partner are also qualities that I like in a friend.

    I think that, if my current bf/partner/*insert dating term here* were insecure about that friendship, I would tell my current guy why I broke up with said person and take things from there. If he's still insecure, it starts to become their issue that is tougher to deal with. I like to think that if you're honest and upfront about a friendship, the current guy wouldn't have issues.
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    Jun 12, 2007 3:13 AM GMT
    Ok, well my current boyfriend and I hang out with his ex all the time. It is quite odd I have to admit, but it isnt as bad as I expected it to be.

    I mean, we dont hang out all the time or anything. So we arent buddy buddy, but we do things.

    So dont think the worst will happen, because I am evidence it isnt.

    ---Maddy
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 12, 2007 3:14 AM GMT
    Ditto on the cult adventure!

    I try to be friendly with my exes, but I don't want to be friends with any of them. I'm not really sure why so many gay men want (even need) to remain friends with all exes. I can understand that it happens sometimes and that's cool, but I think we gays do it *far* more than the straights.

    In my experience, there's often tension between exes who are friends. I've run across the occasional pair where I believe the friendship is genuinely just that, a friendship. However, more often than not, there seems to be some sort of motivation behind keeping the friendship going. I've especially noticed that guys who cheat and are forgiven seem to have an extra strong need to remain friends. Same goes for guys who are really seeking acceptance. They seem to want to stay friends because not being friends somehow means they're enemies.

    I think it would help us to mature as a community, in some respects, if there was less of the "friends with all my exes" phenomenon. It seems a bit high school to me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 12, 2007 3:23 AM GMT
    I'm with you highsierra... I'm friendly with my ex's but not really friends with them anymore...

    It's always a weird dynamic...
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    Jun 12, 2007 3:30 AM GMT
    Geez, sickofthesame, in a "cult" with one? That sounds odd.

    I'm still, at my advanced age, trying to figure out why so many people end up with "boyfriends" with guys they wouldn't want to be friends with.

    In navigating through this, I am coming to the conclusion that many jump into relationships with guys with whom they share sexual attraction, and then that grows into something else.

    I, on the other hand, started out the slow way with both of my boyfriends (not meaning "fuck buddies", I mean boyfriends). We were friends first, and gravitated to sex after.

    The most longstanding of the two...is still my friend, but has moved to a different state...and has a partner. And, I have to say, though we maintain contact, the reasons why we are not boyfriends, is also the reason why we wouldn't be "hanging out" all the time.

    He ended up with a very dependent type, though a very nice person. I could never be that dependent. Again, this is no fundamental criticism of his partner, who is a wonderful guy.

    It's just a personality difference. That doesn't mean I dislike my former bf.

    I think, sterlingrider, that there would be a difference between a former bf who was first a friend, and a former bf who was a love at first sight kind of thing.
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    Jun 12, 2007 3:44 AM GMT
    There were a few guys I dated for a while who would still be friends if I were in contact with them. However, I moved back to Iowa and lost touch. I did have one serious relationship, born of lust and destroyed by alcohol, and he's the one ex I would not want to be friends with.
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    Jun 12, 2007 3:48 AM GMT
    I don't really call anyone an ex, but I am still close to the guy I lost my virginity to. He is in a relationship with a close friend of mine (I introduced them), and we double date with our boyfriends. I still love him, and both our boyfriends seem OK with us being close. I'm glad I waited so long for him, and so long for my first relationship, because they are both guys that were definitely worth the wait.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Jun 12, 2007 4:12 AM GMT
    Very interesting topic. I'm friends with my ex, he lives in LA, I'm in Chicago, that's how I want it!!! lol Seriously, I think it's a case by case thing. It took two long hard years to get over my ex, we were together for about 6yrs. I can't explain it but when your with someone for that length of time you have a bond with them that you will always share no matter if your friends or not. We talk from time to time and send emails here and there and things are probably as they should be. I have a great guy in my life that I try not to compare to my ex, or share too many stories about the ex, if you know what I mean.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 12, 2007 5:08 AM GMT
    well, I don't want to change the subject, so I'll start a new thread. Stay tuned!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 12, 2007 5:35 AM GMT
    okay, it's officially up, and it took me a full half hour to type. Feel honored...OR ELSE!
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    Jun 12, 2007 5:43 AM GMT
    Yeah, I think it totally depends on the circumstances surrounding the relationship.

    Granted, I'm friendly even towards someone that fucked me over and cheated after almost 3 years. Forgive, don't forget. So, he's not at the top of my list to call on when I need something, but I truly believe that harboring bad feelings about/towards someone can really drag you down. So, regardless of the circumstances, I'll always be friendly.

    Point being, you shared a portion of your life and yourself with this person. If you're really ready to dismiss them entirely and never speak again, you should've never been in the relationship from the start.
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    Jun 12, 2007 5:52 AM GMT
    yeah, and I felt it was pretty easy to be friendly towards the guy that cheated one me, proabably because i totally wrote him off and felt nothing for him. And i would be there if he needed something, but i wouldn't count on him for much, plus it was bad for him bc he couldnt move on.
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    Jun 12, 2007 6:27 AM GMT
    My most recent bf and I have remained extreemly close. We split about three yrs ago, and still talk on the phone on a regular basis, and hang out and all that. We are much better friends then we were lovers, but were hot and passionate as lovers. We were off and on again for about four years, and finally it just became friends and only friends. He is Itallian and has a big heart. I still love him, of course, but as a friend - not a bf. ok. That's all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 12, 2007 6:28 AM GMT
    btw... I HATE the term 'EX'. It has a negative ring to it.
  • OptimusMatt

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    Jun 12, 2007 6:55 AM GMT
    My ex and I split because we fell out of love with each other. He kinda said it best - "I wish I could hate you...but I can't. You've given me no reason to."

    I mean, I'll always care for him, but...the love disappeared, and all we had left was a friendship that we maintained was a relationship for months.

    I mean, he said some pretty harsh things when we broke up, but...they were kinda true.

    I'm still friends with him because I value his insight and truly respect the guy as a person - he still knows the most about me, and will always be upfront and honest with me...and I try my hardest to do the same for him. I dunno, I think Fastprof is right - what the hell are you doing in a relationship that you couldn't end in friendship?

    Mind you, I've had exes that I will never speak to again....but they were of the "fuck first, friends later kind"

    Which has actually made me realize some stuff.

    See, this is why I like these forums. They lead me to new understanding about topics I've been obsessing over.

    >
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 12, 2007 10:00 AM GMT
    My ex wanted to be friends, but I said no, way to many feelings for him to allow myself back into a relationship with him of any kind.
  • jc_online

    Posts: 487

    Jun 12, 2007 10:48 AM GMT
    I am friends with 2 of my 3 ex's; however, they live in other states and are more than 10 hours from me. One of them I communicate with every couple of months, catch up on work, dating, etc. He's a friend, but not that close anymore. The other one, I am still very close to. He could call me right now and say he needed me to be there and I would go. Without question. I think he and I should have just been friends from the start, rather than getting into a 7 year relationship that I knew wasn't going to work out at about 5 years. We both learned alot about ourselves and each other and are very much "soulmates" (although I kinda dislike that term). We understand each other in ways that only brothers usually do, but there is little/no sexual connectivity.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 12, 2007 10:57 AM GMT
    This is a difficult one...
    Usually I'd say it's hard to be friends with Ex's
    but one of mine happens to be one of my best friends
    ....another I haven't spoken to in over a year
    each case is different and depends on the dynamic you guys had and the breakup
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Jun 12, 2007 11:49 AM GMT
    Somtimes you really get to know your ex after the breakup too. Your never really know a person 100% do you? Hindsight is 20/20, sometmies you realize your better off being apart as some of you have stated.
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    Jun 12, 2007 12:17 PM GMT
    After ending a 12+ year partnership we worked hard to keep it 'friendly.'

    He will always have a place in my heart but the reality is that as life unfolded together, we grew apart.

    I value the fact that we do enjoy open, supportive communication a few times per year. Still, we have both moved on.

    He was my best friend for many years. No longer. And no regrets. I gave him the best I had to give when we were together.
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    Jun 12, 2007 7:12 PM GMT
    A 3yr Ex of mine and I tried to be friends, for a while, though there was always something unspoken between us. A while after we broke up we got into a disagreement about something trivial that quickly escalated into an argument and I was reminded that, "OH yes, this is why we're not BestBuds." LOL! So, if you can make it work, great, but it's tough.