FRIENDS FIRST = FRIEND ZONE: The Gay "Friend" Obsession Part 2

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 28, 2010 8:29 PM GMT
    I got a question for you guys:

    Guys keep saying "Friends First and maybe it'll lead to more..."

    When has that EVER genuinely happened?

    Once you are "just platonic friends" as he dates other guys, aren't you just in his FRIEND ZONE? That usually means no sex, no dating aka "I don't look at you in that way."

    Many guys are being put in that zone as we speak, thinking that ONE DAY, maybe years from now, the other guy will FINALLY realize just how perfect they are for each other...

    DOES IT EVER HAPPEN?

    Should you have to convince a guy that you meet his requirements for dating under the guise of a "platonic friend" or should you find someone who sees your worth early on?

    WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK ABOUT THE "FRIENDS FIRST" THING?
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    Oct 28, 2010 8:33 PM GMT
    I had the friend zone factor, he had the "I'm unhappy in my relationship" factor, that I didn't know about.

    So we actually missed out on official dating at first because I was under the impression that, "Hey! A gay friend!" and he was, "Hey! A potential love interest!"

    So I think if it truly is in both parties, it can happen, because it could've happened with me if he had the same mindset as me... but otherwise, it's usually shameless flirting that leads to the more than friends thoughts entertained in one's head, and even I'm guilty of that.
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    Oct 28, 2010 9:43 PM GMT
    ShinyToyTrev saidI had the friend zone factor, he had the "I'm unhappy in my relationship" factor, that I didn't know about.

    So we actually missed out on official dating at first because I was under the impression that, "Hey! A gay friend!" and he was, "Hey! A potential love interest!"

    So I think if it truly is in both parties, it can happen, because it could've happened with me if he had the same mindset as me... but otherwise, it's usually shameless flirting that leads to the more than friends thoughts entertained in one's head, and even I'm guilty of that.


    Yeah you're right...I'm waiting to see ONE solid example of this leading to a successful relationship...

    Even own my dad didn't meet my mom back in the day cause he wanted to be "friends first", nope he wanted to date her, LOL
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    Oct 29, 2010 2:15 AM GMT
    Indy404 said

    WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK ABOUT THE "FRIENDS FIRST" THING?


    Easy question and one that has a very logical explanation! whenever you hear a guy say "FRIEND'S FIRST" as you are getting to know him or he brings it up on the date; the translation is "I AM NOT LOOKING FOR SEX" or "I RATHER IF WE GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER FIRST" that simple, really!!!!


    Leandro ♥
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    Oct 29, 2010 2:18 AM GMT
    No no that'd be way too easy.

    I guess it's more a thing of keeping options open, like I want friends, and maybe, but only maybe, I will see something in you and develop a sexual interest.

    It seems like it's designed to have to avoid having to deal with having to brutally reject people. So that when it doesn't lead to romantic relations, they can say "I told you so, I wanted to be friends".

    If that makes any sense icon_confused.gif
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    Oct 29, 2010 2:39 AM GMT
    I think the friends first thing is great. A lot of times people do just want to be just friends and never once have the intentions of it being anymore then that. Granted with time things change but that's no one's fault. With time you either become closer or farther apart from that person. If they want to be friends first and have the intention of being more then that's cool too. It's genuine.

    If you aren't intimately interested in someone and just being a friend is all you want to then that should be the end of the story. This whole "convincing" thing sounds silly. I'm friends with many people, gay and straight, and I have no intentions of dating any of them. That simple really. I'm unaware of any of them liking me in a more personal way and I certainly don't tell them that they should change or try to convince me of my thoughts of them. Again that is just silly.
  • KnuxNole

    Posts: 219

    Oct 29, 2010 4:15 AM GMT
    I WANT platonic friends, and that is not a ruse or a sleazy act. Is it REALLY possible for a group of gay guys to just be FRIENDS and hang out, watch sports, catch a movie, play video games, etc. without sleeping with them. I want to meet gays, but I don't want to sleep with all of them. I feel bad if I have to tell someone "yeah, I don't want to date you or hookup, I just want to hang out and find buddies" and they won't talk to me because all they want is cheap dick. icon_sad.gif
  • nikolaki

    Posts: 9

    Oct 29, 2010 3:30 PM GMT
    I've had a few experiences where it has lead to more than just friends. I feel being friends first is the best option. But it is a rarity that I meet someone as a friend and then date them later. Usually it's because it develops into we are just better as friends cause we have been around each other enough to know whether or not we are compatible. But the ones that I do meet as friends and can see them as more it's always been a great experience.
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    Oct 29, 2010 3:32 PM GMT
    Perhaps those guys listened to the Spice Girls way too much!

    Spice GirlsIf you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends, Make it last forever friendship never ends,

    icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
  • Sk8Tex

    Posts: 738

    Oct 29, 2010 3:50 PM GMT
    I slept with a friend once...and then we quickly drifted apart and stopped talking and now I hear from him once or twice a year in random passings. icon_sad.gif I've been out of the dating scene for a while so I definitely have never heard this Friends First thing...but one of my golden rules now is, "Don't ever sleep with friends you want to keep, ..or anyone you work with."

    I would definitely have to say find someone who sees your worth early on, and not someone that makes you earn their attention. Real relationships move naturally with honesty and open-communication, and dont require real strained effort to "make them work."

    So if a guy comes to me under the guise of "Hey let's just be friends at first" they're gonna get exactly that... Just a friend.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Oct 29, 2010 3:50 PM GMT
    Yes. Absolutely had it happen.
    On multiple occasions. Turning into serious relationships.

    In one case the guy and I were friends and didn't even know the other was gay.
    In another we were just very close friends (part of a group of three musketeers). Things just naturally evolved to the point that our relationship became more romantic. We dated for three years before moving separate ways for a variety of reasons.
    And I can think of other successful examples.
    What's more the "unsuccessful" examples (from your standpoint of dating being the 'goal') still worked out quite well. Friendships that had romantic undertones that didn't develop, but grew into stronger friendships.
    I can only think of one (maaaaybe two) cases where things became complicated. But, fuck, life becomes complicated anyway.

    I like to be attracted to someone before I date them. That involves knowing and liking them as a person. That's not to say that I have official rules about "being friends first". But the first few dates are as much about finding out if there's just a general (platonic) chemistry as anything.


    You seem to have a strange obsession about this issue. I'm not really sure I understand where you're coming from. I suspect that for you "relationship" is strongly defined by sexual components though, which you wall off from your relationships with friends.
    For me, sex is very much a tertiary part of a relationship. It's just a natural expression of affection that sometimes comes to feel natural. Sometimes very quickly, sometime not, but either way, it's tied to a more general respect and admiration for a person.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2010 4:01 PM GMT
    neosyllogy saidYes. Absolutely had it happen.
    On multiple occasions. Turning into serious relationships.

    In one case the guy and I were friends and didn't even know the other was gay.
    In another we were just very close friends (part of a group of three musketeers). Things just naturally evolved to the point that our relationship became more romantic. We dated for three years before moving separate ways for a variety of reasons.
    And I can think of other successful examples.
    What's more the "unsuccessful" examples (from your standpoint of dating being the 'goal') still worked out quite well. Friendships that had romantic undertones that didn't develop, but grew into stronger friendships.
    I can only think of one (maaaaybe two) cases where things became complicated. But, fuck, life becomes complicated anyway.

    I like to be attracted to someone before I date them. That involves knowing and liking them as a person. That's not to say that I have official rules about "being friends first". But the first few dates are as much about finding out if there's just a general (platonic) chemistry as anything.


    You seem to have a strange obsession about this issue. I'm not really sure I understand where you're coming from. I suspect that for you "relationship" is strongly defined by sexual components though, which you wall off from your relationships with friends.
    For me, sex is very much a tertiary part of a relationship. It's just a natural expression of affection that sometimes comes to feel natural. Sometimes very quickly, sometime not, but either way, it's tied to a more general respect and admiration for a person.


    Thank you! that was a good response. As if saying 'friends first maybe more later' means there is no interest.... it's like you said "For me, sex is very much a tertiary part of a relationship. It's just a natural expression of affection that sometimes comes to feel natural. Sometimes very quickly, sometime not, but either way, it's tied to a more general respect and admiration for a person."
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    Oct 29, 2010 4:14 PM GMT
    My partner and I were acquaintances but not close friends for years before we dated. I think if we would have been close friends before we were both single, I would have been concerned about spoiling a close friendship by turning it into a romantic relationship. Maybe it can work with casual friendships but I don't think I'm the only one concerned about potentially ruining a close friendship by trying to pursue a romance.
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    Oct 29, 2010 4:31 PM GMT
    It's important to know each other on a basis deeper than sex for a relationship. Putting pressure on the friends issue is going to cause problems, but rushing into something will also. Let it happen, don't rush for labels.
  • acousticpunk

    Posts: 76

    Oct 29, 2010 4:39 PM GMT
    Tazo995 saidNo no that'd be way too easy.

    I guess it's more a thing of keeping options open, like I want friends, and maybe, but only maybe, I will see something in you and develop a sexual interest.

    It seems like it's designed to have to avoid having to deal with having to brutally reject people. So that when it doesn't lead to romantic relations, they can say "I told you so, I wanted to be friends".

    If that makes any sense icon_confused.gif


    I would have to agree with Tazo.

    "Friends First" is simply saying, "I'm willing to meet, and if there's chemistry we can fuck, and if not, I can string you along because I have no obligation to tell you I'm not interested in you sexually and hence forego feeling guilty."
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    Oct 29, 2010 4:49 PM GMT
    Tazo995 saidIt seems like it's designed to have to avoid having to deal with having to brutally reject people. So that when it doesn't lead to romantic relations, they can say "I told you so, I wanted to be friends".

    YEAH! This is how I take it when told to me and this is what I''ve meant when I've said it myself! This is spot on!
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    Oct 29, 2010 4:54 PM GMT
    acousticpunk said"Friends First" is simply saying, "I'm willing to meet, and if there's chemistry we can fuck, and if not, I can string you along because I have no obligation to tell you I'm not interested in you sexually and hence forego feeling guilty."


    Yeah, I agree...But it doesn't always have to mean sex...I can tell if I'm attracted to a guy mentally and physically after a couple meetings...I don't need years of "friendship" to tell me that I think he's a dating option...

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    Oct 29, 2010 5:01 PM GMT
    neosyllogy saidYou seem to have a strange obsession about this issue. I'm not really sure I understand where you're coming from. I suspect that for you "relationship" is strongly defined by sexual components though, which you wall off from your relationships with friends.
    For me, sex is very much a tertiary part of a relationship. It's just a natural expression of affection that sometimes comes to feel natural. Sometimes very quickly, sometime not, but either way, it's tied to a more general respect and admiration for a person.


    You may be right and wrong here...I'm not obsessed, other guys are....

    However I do separate the things I do with friends from the things I do with lovers...It amazes me how many guys are okay with even "cuddling" in their underwear with "just friends" and they don't see that as questionable...What exactly are they saving for that guy they DO have sexual feelings for? I don't kiss my friends in the mouth, I don't spoon as we watch True Blood together...To me, that is intimacy that I save for people I'm dating...

    If I meet a guy and we do relationship-type things together consistently, but we're "just friends", how does that not lead to confusion?
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    Oct 29, 2010 5:06 PM GMT
    What ever happened to the idea of meeting people and letting it evolve naturally?

    Everyone seems to have this pre-disposition to what they want when they meet people, and try to pigeon hole anyone they see into a specific category. Really, ask yourself, would you be opposed to having a friend with someone if you both felt there was no mutual attraction? How is it that one can go on dates with the expectation that friendship will evolve and not a relationship, or visa versa?

    I think this is part of why people are single, when they see someone, who may be cute, they immediately think "I want to date, hook up, be friends, etc." instead of walking up, introducing oneself, and seeing how the two mesh.

  • gumbosolo

    Posts: 382

    Oct 29, 2010 5:08 PM GMT
    I look at it as the ideal . . . I'd much rather start off with a guy on some other note than mutual physical attraction. And while it's never worked out for me, it's come close. A few years ago I met a guy who I dug just cause we made each other laugh; I didn't find him at all attractive at first. And after seeing him more and more often and connecting steadily deeper, one day we were talking and he playfully bopped me with one of his shoes; I grabbed it and ran, and he chased me and caught me and I suddenly realized he was really beautiful. We had some very romantic moments in our friendship after that. It never became anything else, cause he had a girlfriend he was very faithful to and I loved him too much to step on that, but it was the perfect beginning.
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    Oct 29, 2010 5:20 PM GMT
    My b.f. and I met here in Forums, and wrote back and forth a few times over a long space of time. Later we began talking by phone (Arizona to Connecticut) and finally we met. We realized one of us was destined to move across the country, so we decided who that would be. Being friends first worked out for us.

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    Oct 29, 2010 5:21 PM GMT
    gumbosolo saidIt never became anything else, cause he had a girlfriend he was very faithful to and I loved him too much to step on that, but it was the perfect beginning.


    There's so many things to SMH about with this final sentence alone...LOL
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    Oct 29, 2010 5:22 PM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidMy b.f. and I met here in Forums, and wrote back and forth a few times over a long space of time. Later we began talking by phone (Arizona to Connecticut) and finally we met. We realized one of us was destined to move across the country, so we decided who that would be. Being friends first worked out for us.

    icon_cool.gif



    I wouldn't really call that "friends first" though since you were not buddies hanging out for a long time, etc...
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    Oct 29, 2010 5:45 PM GMT
    Indy404 saidI got a question for you guys:

    Guys keep saying "Friends First and maybe it'll lead to more..."

    When has that EVER genuinely happened?
    Either via online friends that become FWB's once we meet in person, or via "straight" guys.
    Other than those two scenarios, it's lust at first sight and sex the first night.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Oct 29, 2010 6:05 PM GMT
    Indy404 saidI got a question for you guys:

    Guys keep saying "Friends First and maybe it'll lead to more..."

    When has that EVER genuinely happened?

    Once you are "just platonic friends" as he dates other guys, aren't you just in his FRIEND ZONE? That usually means no sex, no dating aka "I don't look at you in that way."

    Many guys are being put in that zone as we speak, thinking that ONE DAY, maybe years from now, the other guy will FINALLY realize just how perfect they are for each other...

    DOES IT EVER HAPPEN?

    Should you have to convince a guy that you meet his requirements for dating under the guise of a "platonic friend" or should you find someone who sees your worth early on?

    WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK ABOUT THE "FRIENDS FIRST" THING?
    ''

    It never happens guys use this line so they have an out when you get too serious...BUD