Gay sexless relationships....

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    Oct 29, 2010 8:30 AM GMT
    I have been in my relationship for 6 years now. My best friend & his partner together for 10 years, another friend in his relationship for a couple years.

    All of us get down due to having partners that say they arent interested in having sex hardly anymore for one reason or another while we are still raging to go at it!

    Ive heard of this so much in so many relationships. Why is it that one person never wants it & the other person is dying for it to happen?! Eventually feeling unwanted & looks for attention else where out of dispair & causes even more problems.

    Then when we get fed up with it & break up with them they drop it like its hot, fuck the hell out of us & you think, ok he does want me, only to wake up months later going through the same exact situation.

    Why is it some guys seem to lose interest in sex after being in a relationship? I just dont understand it. Ive always been the type that the more im with someone, & fall more in love with them the more I want them. I just dont understand it & it seems to happen alot in so many relationships, why?
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    Oct 29, 2010 12:25 PM GMT
    I'm in one of those right now. So much invested but not much in common anymore. Sorry I don't have any useful answers for you!
  • laxdude25

    Posts: 604

    Oct 29, 2010 12:33 PM GMT
    hey, i thought that only happened in male/female marriages. in gay relationships, the hot sex is forever! right, guys?
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    Oct 29, 2010 12:45 PM GMT


    I'#ve actually never heard of this happening, what i mean is whenever I hear it, it usually has ened the relationship.

    Ok a 'dry spell' is normal, and anyone whoo tells me that the sex should be hot and frequent forever is lying, but I'm telling you after max 1 month I'd be having a serious sit down.

  • bad_wolf

    Posts: 1002

    Oct 29, 2010 1:03 PM GMT
    I feel your pain. Although I don't know what's worse. When guys just loose interest, or only have selfish sex and leave me naked in the bedroom unsatisfied while he's in the bathroom sated and having a cigarette.

    Sorry to rant.
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    Oct 29, 2010 1:10 PM GMT
    relationships does need to evolve.

    Lust/Sex initially, then into Love that holds and keeps both together, and lastly into solid companionship even when you hate each other's guts.
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    Oct 29, 2010 1:13 PM GMT
    tcom saidI'm in one of those right now. So much invested but not much in common anymore. Sorry I don't have any useful answers for you!


    this is a common dynamic of relationship that does not evolve or just one person evolves, dissecting further, it is a selfish response to say "I'm not happy anymore, I'm not in love as I use to, or I've fallen out of love." One then would argue, that it can't just disappear like that, it's in there somewhere, you just have to find it harder.
  • bad_wolf

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    Oct 29, 2010 1:36 PM GMT
    What's people general opinion on the theory that sexual gratification promotes partners sexual attractiveness?
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    Oct 29, 2010 2:50 PM GMT
    redbull saidWhy is it some guys seem to lose interest in sex after being in a relationship?
    Monotony.
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    Oct 29, 2010 3:01 PM GMT
    Relationships change over time. Both gay and straight. If the foundation of the relationship was primarily sexual, then of course, a change in that dynamic will alter the general dynamics of the relationship. It's not only true for sex, but for any component of a relationship.

    Often times, celebrity actors fall for each other while working intensely with each other on a project. Day-in, day-out they are together, having to work on chemistry, connecting with each other, etc. They spend alot of time together, and it's easy to grow very intimate and close. It's no wonder that some take it to the next level and get married.

    However, once that project ends, they either have to find something else that "unites them" and carries them to the next stage of the relationship, or they break up. Most of the time, they break up. Very few are able to make the transition to accommodate the dynamic change in the relationship.

    The point is, depending what is the "glue" that holds partners together, if that glue changes, it doesn't mean that's bad, it just means they'd better find some other area of common interest upon which to continue to build their relationship. Of course, they can always revisit what brought them together in the first place. The key is being mindful of those shifting dynamics and going with the flow. Commitment to each other keeps you both working at it.
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    Oct 29, 2010 3:21 PM GMT
    Lack of excitement and intimacy.
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    Oct 29, 2010 3:53 PM GMT
    I have friends in relationships that have gone over ten years without sex. They seem happy - except for the nonsex part. I think with many, if not most relationships, sex tends to become less frequent over time.
  • UStriathlete

    Posts: 320

    Oct 29, 2010 4:17 PM GMT
    redbull saidI have been in my relationship for 6 years now. My best friend & his partner together for 10 years, another friend in his relationship for a couple years.

    All of us get down due to having partners that say they arent interested in having sex hardly anymore for one reason or another while we are still raging to go at it!

    Ive heard of this so much in so many relationships. Why is it that one person never wants it & the other person is dying for it to happen?! Eventually feeling unwanted & looks for attention else where out of dispair & causes even more problems.

    Then when we get fed up with it & break up with them they drop it like its hot, fuck the hell out of us & you think, ok he does want me, only to wake up months later going through the same exact situation.

    Why is it some guys seem to lose interest in sex after being in a relationship? I just dont understand it. Ive always been the type that the more im with someone, & fall more in love with them the more I want them. I just dont understand it & it seems to happen alot in so many relationships, why?


    it is also passive aggressive behavior to be with holding of affection/love, it's very sad, then you start thinking it's something about you, and it isn't. communication is the only way to work it out.

    good luck guy! i feel your pain... you're not alone
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    Oct 29, 2010 4:32 PM GMT
    Does a car last forever? Does anything last forever? Nope.
    Your thoughts about love are programmed by writer's fantasy . Books, plays,movies, tv etc. are convincing fiction not reality.
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    Oct 29, 2010 11:03 PM GMT
    laxdude25 saidhey, i thought that only happened in male/female marriages. in gay relationships, the hot sex is forever! right, guys?


    So lesbian relasionships are loveless then, as they to me seem to try to replicate a heterosexual relasionship, and they = no sex.

    But we are talking about two men, and not two gals big diffrence.

    Men are not innately wired to be monograms, thats a man made invention, via the rule of religion, men are visual, straight, gay, bisexual. This is albeit where many guys go wrong they build the foundations of their relationships, and mistake lust for love, and once the lust has gone, their relasionship may well just crumble. But if you build you foundations on friendship, you do still have something once all the lust is gone, and time changes everthing.

    I support plural marrage, as man was not made to be monogamous!
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    Oct 29, 2010 11:09 PM GMT
    You got to spice it up and not get into a monotony routine doing the exact same things the same way each time.
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Oct 29, 2010 11:24 PM GMT
    Consider activities you could both do together that may revive the relationship a little. Also consider seeking therapy for the relationship. Sometimes as people age their sexuality doesn't evolve. There are ways to deal with the problem. Adapting however you can to meet the other person's sexual needs may be necessary. Whatever the problem may be, it can most likely be helped with a therapy called SENSATE FOCUS. Look into that.
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Oct 29, 2010 11:32 PM GMT
    aunty_jack said
    laxdude25 saidhey, i thought that only happened in male/female marriages. in gay relationships, the hot sex is forever! right, guys?


    So lesbian relasionships are loveless then, as they to me seem to try to replicate a heterosexual relasionship, and they = no sex.

    But we are talking about two men, and not two gals big diffrence.

    Men are not innately wired to be monograms, thats a man made invention, via the rule of religion, men are visual, straight, gay, bisexual. This is albeit where many guys go wrong they build the foundations of their relationships, and mistake lust for love, and once the lust has gone, their relationship may well just crumble. But if you build you foundations on friendship, you do still have something once all the lust is gone, and time changes everything.

    I support plural marrage, as man was not made to be monogamous!


    Polygamy isn't for everyone and isn't as safe. Both men and woman exhibit a similar pattern of serial monogamy. Men are not more visual sexually. This is an individual basis, I'm personally more tactile. Studies done on Polygamy are not promising, mostly people know if they posses that sort of instinct.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Oct 29, 2010 11:38 PM GMT
    Somewhere I read that the physical part of a relationship settles down after about three years.It would be interesting to know how that correlates to [straight] divorce statistics. It may be that the real value of a relationship is sensual but not always sexual. In an ongoing way, the companionship counts. Got a friend? Keep him.

    Do some reading, thinking, counseling and all of that and let us know what you come up with. I doubt that there is a right or single answer.

    PS--If it gets really bad, come to my house.
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    Oct 30, 2010 12:18 AM GMT
    I'm not sure what you should do as I do not know what it is like to be with someone for that long. I must say though, this thread is quite timely. I was talking to someone at a party last weekend who was telling me how important his relationship is and how they have thought of ending it many times. I heard through other sources that they were no longer physically intimate. It was confirmed to some extend when I joked about the sign in the B&B that warned the walls are very thin so please be quiet after 10. "That means no wild sex guys." I joked. One of them says in a defeated voice, "that's not going to happen." So when two people are in a monogamous relationship and yet they no longer have sex it effectively means they have taken a vow of celibacy.

    Why not just be lifelong friends but not monogamous lovers? Then you can see other people or at least try and get your rocks off on occasion.
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    Oct 30, 2010 12:34 AM GMT
    In my opinion AND experience, being in a healthy and functional relationship requires specific skills. Falling in lust is easy and is mostly a biological process, but turning that into a long lasting relationship is more a matter of will and an exercise in personal growth. The lust will at times wane, but will always return in a well maintained relationship. However, in a poorly maintained one it can be snuffed out never to return.

    The biggest issue I see is people not having the skills or a realistic concept of what makes a healthy relationship work. BTW relationship skills are critical in any relationship, monogomous, open, romantic, familial, or professional.
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    Oct 30, 2010 12:41 AM GMT
    RudeMech saidIn my opinion AND experience, being in a healthy and functional relationship requires specific skills. Falling in lust is easy and is mostly a biological process, but turning that into a long lasting relationship is more a matter of will and an exercise in personal growth. The lust will at times wane, but will always return in a well maintained relationship. However, in a poorly maintained one it can be snuffed out never to return.

    The biggest issue I see is people not having the skills or a realistic concept of what makes a healthy relationship work. BTW relationship skills are critical in any relationship, monogomous, open, romantic, familial, or professional.



    These are good points, I think. One of the fastest killers of sexual pleasure in a relationship is pressure. Someone who likes it 3 times a day can kill off the desire of someone who only likes it once a week by being pushy.
    Negotiating skills and willingness of both parties to play a little when not necessarily in the mood, or to be willing to wait even when you feel like you'll explode is very important.

    -Doug
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    Oct 30, 2010 1:44 AM GMT
    These are good points, I think. One of the fastest killers of sexual pleasure in a relationship is pressure. Someone who likes it 3 times a day can kill off the desire of someone who only likes it once a week by being pushy.


    and the one the likes it 3 time a day can be put off by the one time only partner. The street goes both ways.
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    Oct 30, 2010 2:05 AM GMT
    A married for 6 years straight friend confided, “my wife just doesn’t want it anymore”. He said he was jealous of my relationship, saying “I bet you guys to it 24/7”.
    I jokingly replied it was the best thing about being gay.

    The idea is men think about sex all the time so two men together equals sex on demand.

    Like the OP I don’t get it either, as I also have met other gay men in LTR’s that aren’t doing it anymore.
    I used to think if you’re not having sex with a man, then why not just be with a woman.
    Of course, I changed my attitude on this; now, knowing the emotional attachment is as great as or greater than the sexual one.
    My partner and I still do it and do it a lot even after 10 years we are still hot for each other. I don’t think we have gone longer than a week.
    My recent discovery is the frustration of non-meshing schedules makes it so much hotter when it does happen.
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    Oct 30, 2010 2:42 AM GMT
    sfinboston saidThese are good points, I think. One of the fastest killers of sexual pleasure in a relationship is pressure. Someone who likes it 3 times a day can kill off the desire of someone who only likes it once a week by being pushy.


    and the one the likes it 3 time a day can be put off by the one time only partner. The street goes both ways.

    Absolutely, which is why the less frequent need to, as I said, consider playing when not necessarily in the mood. icon_wink.gif As well, the less frequent sometimes have issues with a relationship-type claustrophobia, which they have to get over.

    -Doug