Figuring out Gay dudes...too much, not enough?

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    Mar 10, 2008 4:26 AM GMT
    What is the deal with gay guys? Sometimes I think women are easier to figure out. Specifically things like; what's too aggressive, what's not aggressive enough, whats enough interest, and what's too much, and what's too little that it blows the opportunity? How soon do you call, is it too soon, too late, what the hell is the right time to make the call? We all know early adoration can be a turn off, but what is enough to keep the things moving? When is it too soon to ask them out, when is just right, when is waiting too long, and when do you wait and let them do the asking?

    Most things in life make sense to me, but this sort of baffles me. It seems like this should all be simple. Hey I like you, you like me, great let's try step 2. But it never seems to be that simple. Are guys really this finicky about timing details? Or is it all just a bunch of nonsense and gamesmanship?

    Any thoughts on this people?
  • Kevin82

    Posts: 273

    Mar 10, 2008 5:36 AM GMT
    I don't think you can look at guys and girls and say one is easier then the other because we are all individuals. Try not getting involved in all of that and let things happen. If you want to call someone then call them and people are going to call you when they want to. Breathe. Relax.
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    Mar 10, 2008 5:37 AM GMT
    You're a gay guy too! Elevate OUR profile out there above the "girls" with your mature demeanor and calm, assertive outlook. You'll make some guy very happy. For anyone who makes this a game, they are not serious, and will only be taking advantage of you and your situation.

    When it's the right guy, it's never too early, never moves too fast or slow, and everything goes the right way.

    If you're encountering stutters and starts, it's possible he's just not that into you. Move on, stud, and find that right guy.

    Your profile: you're sooooo cute! Great body, young and attractive. A lucky guy will get your attention, and it will be all over and you'll be giving advice to the next guy.
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    Mar 10, 2008 6:19 AM GMT
    I looked at your profile and gather you are a deep thinker. Maybe you are over-thinking this. The things that you want are going to be what most other people want. To not be alone. Someone to share your life experiences with. Someone who can help you when you need it and vice versa. A mutually supportive relationship.

    The problem when it comes to gay relationships is simple. Gay relationships have not been accepted or out in the open and most likely condemned. There are not many people to advise or provide examples of gay couples and if there are they are not in the lime-light. Insecurities abound with the idea of being gay itself. No one wants to "look gay" but that is what we are. It would be a wonder if gay relationships did not "seem" a little neurotic.

    The difference you can make is to be secure, and discerning yourself. Maybe get to know some older gay couples who seem to have a good long-lasting relationship. You have to be able to roll with the punches and adapt. More over start at how would you like people to treat you. You might have to go to the right or left a little because that is just being flexible. Everybody loves a person that is transparently confident, but at the same time harmless.

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    Mar 10, 2008 7:13 AM GMT
    Treading on eggshells. I worry a lot that something I said will be misinterpreted, that I may come off as something I'm not. etc.

    ActiveAndFit
    Insecurities abound with the idea of being gay itself. No one wants to "look gay" but that is what we are. It would be a wonder if gay relationships did not "seem" a little neurotic.


    I agree. Most of us have gone through the hiding bit. Most of us are still a bit reticent about our gayness, showing it in public, and accepting the fact that we are in a relationship/attracted to men. Some of us have one or two bad experiences stemming from the fact that we are gay. Etc. etc.

    Plus, no matter how 'masculine' we are we all harbor more than the heterosexual amount of the feminine in us.

    Th sniping, the bitchiness, the backstabbing, is one thing I really can't stand about us. icon_sad.gif

    It's no wonder we're all a bit psychotic.

    It's why we should be fighting to erase the stigma of homosexuality as wrong. Only then can we hope to achieve 'normalcy'. Heh.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Mar 10, 2008 7:30 AM GMT
    I stopped trying to figure it out...life is too short.
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    Mar 10, 2008 8:26 AM GMT
    All depends on what you are, how youare looking for it, and what youare willing to tolerate/accept once you find it.

    Guys and girls differ from one another (obviuosly)in many things including attitudes towards relationship goals. you have the "go getters" and then you have the "upsetters". What are you looking for?
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    Mar 10, 2008 8:42 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]mickeytopogigio said[/cite]For anyone who makes this a game, they are not serious, and will only be taking advantage of you and your situation.

    When it's the right guy, it's never too early, never moves too fast or slow, and everything goes the right way.

    If you're encountering stutters and starts, it's possible he's just not that into you. Move on, stud, and find that right guy.

    quote]

    now there's a piece of advice i need to remember!
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    Mar 10, 2008 9:55 AM GMT
    It seems to me that because there are no ubiquitous role models for relationships out there for us that we all create our own in our heads.
    Every guy that I know seems to have a different idea of what the standard is. The problem arises when each thinks that his standard is 'The Accepted Standard'. I've been told completely contrary statements by different individuals with the qualification that "Everyone knows that. It's common knowledge." So consider the fact that everyone has a different idea of what's "Standard".
    The best way around this is to state what your going to do and then do it. "I'll call you on Tuesday."
    If you leave it up to them, your at the mercy of those unknown standards. If he says, "I'll call you", there's nothing stopping you from saying 'when?' If he gives you a time, then he's into you. If he doesn't, he may not be and go on living you life in the meantime. If he's vague and then does call, maybe he was scared or perhaps something happened in his life. Be flexible here since he may not have the same view of the rules that you do.
    Every guy who thinks that he's met the perfect match is as often completely wrong because he's not paying attention to the fact that the other guy doesn't feel as strongly. It doesn't matter which side of the table your on. It can be scary on one side, but depressing on the other. A little balance and flexibility is all that's needed, but that can be a tall order when you've just had that first date.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Mar 10, 2008 10:37 AM GMT
    Gay guys are just guys ....

    what I would suggest is treat men in your life the way you'd like to be trreated
    about making calls ... make the call
    if a guy doesn't answer back >>>>> don't be callin again and again
    that's a pest
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    Mar 10, 2008 2:41 PM GMT
    In straight life, there's an established hierarchy: the man calls the shots. This is changing of course, but it's still the rule.

    In gay life, you're dealing with two men. Men tend to be competitive; at best, they become equals.

    The best approach is to ask what the guy wants and to maintain a playful approach, in my opinion.

    Lesbians have similiar issues as a result of gender roles getting reinforced by one another. I've seen a lot as clients and it is mind-boggling how much they disclose to one another in the first few dates, whereas men tend to be much more non-disclosing at first.

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    Mar 10, 2008 2:43 PM GMT
    date your right hand - i find it's much more convenient, although the left is beginning to get jealous, so nothing's perfect
  • SoDakGuy

    Posts: 1862

    Mar 10, 2008 2:49 PM GMT
    Straight guys are easier to figure out than gay guys.

    All you can basically do is roll w/ the punches and enjoy your time w/ gay guys.

    That's it.
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    Mar 10, 2008 6:49 PM GMT
    I don't think this is unique to gay guys. There are many straight guys and girls that are not easy to figure out. This is about individuals as Kevin82 alluded to in his post.

    You as an individual need to be the kind of guy you want to be with and do what feels right for you. If you don't get the right response, move on.

    Another problem may lie within your own dating skills. Despite what people may think, this is not something that is innate to everyone. You may want to pick up a book or seek some help with this.

    Also, you're young and have a lot of time ahead of you so have fun with these experiences. Don't put so much pressure on yourself when you're dating. Just enjoy the learning experience and it will all work itself out in the end.
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    Mar 10, 2008 7:00 PM GMT
    Just do what feels right or natural. As long as you're coming from a contained, organic place (that is to say, not compulsive, neurotic or trying to anticipate/manipulate what you *think* the other guy wants or is into), you're fine. If he's down with you, it will be fine. If he's not down with you, better to know now.
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    Mar 10, 2008 7:03 PM GMT
    all of those timing details are a bunch of crap. if i like you and you called me 2 minutes after i gave u my number, that would be totally fine with me. if i gave u my number and you didn't call after a while i would naturally think you weren't into me. but if you were you'd want to call soon. what im trying to say is do what you want. if they don't like it well then they arent for you. you dont need to adjust who you are or how you do things for anyone. if they really like you, they'll take you for who you are not who they want you to be.

    just my two cents ;)
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    Mar 10, 2008 7:04 PM GMT
    Each guy is different. Some guys lose interest really fast so you need to show that you like them quickly.

    I am shy so I warm up to people slowly. When I was single if I slept with a guy right away than that was usually it for a potential relationship. It was too much too soon.

    The more guys you interact with the better you will get at reading them.
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    Mar 10, 2008 7:08 PM GMT
    I agree with obscenewish's assessment of inherent gendered behavior differences and the complications they bring to gay relationships. It's a broad generalization, but I've found it to be generally accurate.
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    Mar 10, 2008 7:25 PM GMT
    I agree GQjock, "Gay guys are just guys ...."

    Gay guys come in all the shapes, sizes and flavors as straight guys, just gay or bi. I'd assume your ability to deal with women is like that of mine. I've met the most demanding, thick headed, dramatic girls, but usually let their gaurd down after they found out I was gay. It's like they have less to hide and feel they can just "be" when around gay guys. It's almost like a getting a free ticket to the side of show they're dying for a straight guy to get to, but never do; so they let us in.

    As for being gay, it's not easier than being straight. There are no simple answers as to why guys and the gay community are the way they are. They've just grown into their own diversity and have be experienced to be understood. But, if any one thing may have led you to believe being gay was going to be easy, it would have to be because it's easier to get laid. As long as two guys are horny and find each other attractive, it's almost a give in.

    The truth is to be yourself. You may be totally butch, or in the middle or feminine, and you not even like folk, techno, or foreign music, but that doens't matter so much as you're yourself. That way you'll attract someone whose also being themselves, and will have that much less drama when you meet. Well, at least it's always worked for me. Maybe the only downside will be not being in the know about what hots all the time, or whatever, but it's up to you decide.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2008 10:08 PM GMT
    too... much... psychoanalysis... must... (heart attack)

    for real: it's not that complicated. either there's chemistry or there's not. you'll know when there is. if there's doubt, there's not.
  • yoheee

    Posts: 22

    Mar 12, 2008 6:31 AM GMT
    In regards to feeling out a gay/bi guy, I've definitely been "that guy" who jumped the gun and pushed too much too fast. It cost me some potential friends or relationships that could have been fine if i played it more cool. But you're also afraid of the guy who makes little to no attempt at getting something started. Again, I've been there where the communication literally dissolves in a week or two of little contact.

    That being said, there is a balance between too much and too little, but nowadays I try to start out relatively cool and gauge from there the reaction i'm receiving. I've learned to chill out, and remember that it's not the end of the world if a guy i've been crushing on doesn't work out. Might take awhile to find another one, but until then there's plenty of stuff you can do (up your exercise/workouts, get in touch with old friends, clean the hell out of your place) in the meanwhile.

    When in doubt, ask what the other person is expecting from you, if anything. Friends, dating, fuck buddy, or nothing at all? Just don't ask several times, that's a good way to come off as clingy/desperate. It's often an awkward topic to approach, but knowing what he's thinking so far is good for putting a worried mind at ease. By their first answer, you should at least get an idea where things will lead.

    Best of luck man, and RELAX. If it's not what you want it to be, take a breath and move on.
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    Mar 12, 2008 7:58 AM GMT
    YngHungSFSD saidWhat is the deal with gay guys? Sometimes I think women are easier to figure out. Specifically things like; what's too aggressive, what's not aggressive enough, whats enough interest, and what's too much, and what's too little that it blows the opportunity? How soon do you call, is it too soon, too late, what the hell is the right time to make the call? We all know early adoration can be a turn off, but what is enough to keep the things moving? When is it too soon to ask them out, when is just right, when is waiting too long, and when do you wait and let them do the asking?

    Most things in life make sense to me, but this sort of baffles me. It seems like this should all be simple. Hey I like you, you like me, great let's try step 2. But it never seems to be that simple. Are guys really this finicky about timing details? Or is it all just a bunch of nonsense and gamesmanship?

    Any thoughts on this people?





    Dude, thanks so much for this topic
    I've been going through the same thing, and wondering the exact same stuff
    It's a balancing act, and it can be so frustrating...
    Specially if it's in your blood to be clingy (i know i am by nature)...

    I actually wrote something related to that not too long ago. Hope you guys don't think it's too tacky:

    Helios and Love

    When Helios falls in love, he suffers
    in Silence.
    And as the Chariot of Fire crosses the sky, he looks at you
    impatient.
    If he comes too close, too fast, you'll scorch
    and wither.
    And if he stays away, his feelings will waste
    and perish.
    Please help him, guide him.
    Little by little.

    Someday you will be able to stare at the Sun
    and with him, smile.

    2328736954_76bc80fa33.jpg?v=0
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2008 11:01 AM GMT
    I just fell in love with Andres. icon_redface.gif

    Now I have to suffer in silence... icon_wink.gif

    Somebody call Daedalus. *sigh*
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2008 4:14 PM GMT
    You're too cool Sedative icon_razz.gif

    And you get all my geeky metaphores icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2008 4:26 PM GMT
    i could not agree more...i go through the same thing....i wonder if its too soon to make a move or to step further..what if scare him off? what if hes not ready? but i found out that if u just act truthfully, say what is on ur mind, tell him what ur feeling, it makes things clearer. I am currently going through such a dilemma and its not fun...