Relationship Oriented vs Hookups: The Battle Within

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    Nov 01, 2010 6:06 PM GMT
    I know this is making a mountain out of a mole hill, but I wanna see if there are any guys that can relate...

    Are there any other "relationship oriented" guys out there who don't like to do hookups but feel tempted to do it when there is a lapse in time between meeting quality guys to date?

    I saw this thread and realized many guys go a long time without sex:
    "When is the longest you have been without sex?" http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/933819

    We all get horny sometimes and the "self love" thing gets old after awhile...LOL

    How do you get over the "hump"? Do you give in and "get it out of your system?"

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    Nov 01, 2010 6:39 PM GMT
    My advice, don't follow anybodies rules for how to live your life. There is no magic formula for finding the right relationship. If you are tired of wasting all your reproductive material than by all means share yourself with someone. Just make sure you keep it safe and are not looking to find something more than what is being offered.

    If you see it as an adventure and not as a search for love than you might find it to be quite fun. I've never like the internet as a means of hooking up so I am not the least bit tempted on that front. I find it neither fun nor adventurous. I can still relate to what you are saying. I find myself having an urge to travel because when I travel I have many sexcapades with exotic foreign men. And guess what? That last two passionate relationships I have enjoyed I found while just looking to get my rocks off. Unfortunately they were both distant relationships. I guess that's what happens when the only time I get laid is when I travel.

    Yes, many times it is just mutual pleasure seeking, but you'd be surprised how a hot sexual encounter can lead to much more. My last night in Sydney I spent holding an Aussie hunk in my arms who I had just dined with AFTER we got our rocks off. We spent most of the night having an intellectual conversation and when he finally fell asleep I decided I would just hold him and listen to him snore rather than sleep through my final minutes with him. I watched the sunset twice over the Mediterranean with two different men I met while in Sitges. One of them is now a friend on facebook. I learned to speak Spanish after picking up a very handsome local in the Canary Islands 17 years ago. He couldn't speak a word of English and I had never had a conversation in the language until that night. We are great friends to this day and thanks to him I'm now fluent in the language. He just sent me a couple of messages on facebook.

    So you see some sexcapades can turn out to be quite romantic and one hell of a fun adventure. I'm not sure what we gain from staying at home wanking off.

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    Nov 01, 2010 8:11 PM GMT
    Well, I would like a serious relationship... but when I want to get laid, I go out and do it without judging myself - it's just sex.
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    Nov 01, 2010 9:49 PM GMT
    Thanks for posting this thread. I was having this same conversation with a friend yesterday. I think even for a christian gay man, its even harder because we are looking for a relationship oriented guy, but that also has the same inherited values and respects who I am and I am the same way of him.

    However, the need to be with someone is definitely there, my inherit belief is that we were created for relationship, not inherit vacuums of isolation. When no relationship is to be found; however I am still having the battle 'within' when I found someone attractive and this other person feels the same way, but our values are inherently different.

    You pose a great question which I am still trying to figure out if, can I put aside my values of what I seeking for a hook-up because of the pressing physical need or just jump in the sack to scratch the need.
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    Nov 01, 2010 9:57 PM GMT
    I don't think there's any problem with a romp in the hay if you're not misleading someone by doing so. Men are sexual by nature and so finding someone to enjoy the pleasure is really pretty natural, I think more so then 'self love'.

    And for faith belief, I think that has to do with giving your heart and when you do that you share in the sexuality too. That then becomes an issue for two, not one. In the mean time, you shouldn't feel guilty or wrong by sharing what has been given you with someone else that's feeling those needs and desires. It's all perfectly natural.
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    Nov 01, 2010 9:58 PM GMT
    Actually going through a bit of this now. Not so long ago I ended up sleeping with a friend only because:
    a) He was constantly hinting at it
    b) I was just in need of it

    It's kind of ruined things between us mainly from my side. It was weird doing it and I can't really relate to him the same way.

    In some ways we both crossed a line (especially one I refuse to cross) and it's messed things up. He seems to think everything's fine and maybe I'm over-reacting, but the "experience" wasn't the best and I just find there is a side to him I just don't like.

    Is this something I should just over look?
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    Nov 01, 2010 10:06 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]sydney_cider said[/cite]Actually going through a bit of this now. Not so long ago I ended up sleeping with a friend only because:
    a) He was constantly hinting at it
    b) I was just in need of it

    It's kind of ruined things between us mainly from my side. It was weird doing it and I can't really relate to him the same way.

    In some ways we both crossed a line (especially one I refuse to cross) and it's messed things up. He seems to think everything's fine and maybe I'm over-reacting, but the "experience" wasn't the best and I just find there is a side to him I just don't like.

    Is this something I should just over look?
    [/quote

    Wow so I'm kinda curious about what happened to make you look at him differently? Did he try something a little too kinky for your tastes? Was he disrespectful or something? Or was it just animosity for you somewhat being pressured to cross the line with him?
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    Nov 01, 2010 10:22 PM GMT
    My all-too-frequent experience is that someone says they're relationship oriented and then very soon you find out they're anything but. Then there's the opposite extreme where someone's ready to go shopping for rings after the third date. Is it so difficult to find that happy medium?
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    Nov 01, 2010 10:27 PM GMT
    Im actually very relationship-oriented... but having failed at that, Ive switched to random hook-ups, simply because otherwise you just get too frustrated and tense
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    Nov 01, 2010 10:35 PM GMT
    amar_m saidIm actually very relationship-oriented... but having failed at that, Ive switched to random hook-ups, simply because otherwise you just get too frustrated and tense


    I am more in to relationship type of a guy but never been with a guy in my life so i want to have a BF i could had a bunch of sex dates and friends with benefits but i don't believe in that stuff i think there is so more emotions when you actually love that guy and he loves you he would give his best that his partner is good when having sex and he will want to fulfil his needs hehe so the other guy too. icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif
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    Nov 01, 2010 10:43 PM GMT
    To me it depends on the person, similar to any other type of relationship. There have been some guys that I enjoy being around and could care less about the physical nature that I would be open to a relationship with, whereas others I may find physically attractive but don't feel they have the capacity to be anything more than a "hookup," so that's what they remain if they don't completely turn me off mentally.

    Honesty is key (which includes being honest with yourself). Dealing with everything in a cookie cutter fashion (i.e. I'm only relationship-oriented vs only hookup-oriented) will result in a lot of lost opportunity while you are too busy trying to make a relationship out of a hookup or frustrating that someone special by treating them as you would a hookup.

    My 2 pennies.
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    Nov 01, 2010 10:52 PM GMT
    Vladimir01 said
    amar_m saidIm actually very relationship-oriented... but having failed at that, Ive switched to random hook-ups, simply because otherwise you just get too frustrated and tense


    I am more in to relationship type of a guy but never been with a guy in my life so i want to have a BF i could had a bunch of sex dates and friends with benefits but i don't believe in that stuff i think there is so more emotions when you actually love that guy and he loves you he would give his best that his partner is good when having sex and he will want to fulfil his needs hehe so the other guy too. icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif


    O yeah absolutely, but Im not one of the lucky ones who got that though.. so you kinda just are left with few other options
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    Nov 02, 2010 12:37 AM GMT
    eb925guy saidI don't think there's any problem with a romp in the hay if you're not misleading someone by doing so. Men are sexual by nature and so finding someone to enjoy the pleasure is really pretty natural, I think more so then 'self love'.

    And for faith belief, I think that has to do with giving your heart and when you do that you share in the sexuality too. That then becomes an issue for two, not one. In the mean time, you shouldn't feel guilty or wrong by sharing what has been given you with someone else that's feeling those needs and desires. It's all perfectly natural.


    Thanks Eb.
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    Nov 02, 2010 12:43 AM GMT
    cold saidMaybe you should look at or explain to us why you've chosen this path and maybe that will illuminate whether or not you should 'get it out of your system'.


    Well just speaking for myself and not the others in this thread...By hookup I mean the random stranger "I don't know you last name" we just met on the internet or a chatline or in a club type hookups...

    I did those sparingly when I was younger and just didn't like it...The anonymous of it and the fact that there was no "connection" to the other person made it feel like I was just going through the motions to purge a built up desire that was ready to explode...kinda like taking a morning dump...LOL

    But I also look at it like this, what would make sex with me unique if a random stranger could get it without any of the "work" involved through dating? Call me a prude, but I'm just not comfortable with sharing myself or my bed with numerous strangers. I at least have to know the guy a little before I stick a part of my body into him. *SHRUGS*
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    Nov 02, 2010 12:46 AM GMT
    I would love to find a guy to share my life with. Dating is great too. But if I can't find a guy who I really like, then sometimes hook-up work, esp if am feeling too lonely.
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    Nov 02, 2010 12:48 AM GMT
    Indy404 said[quote][cite]sydney_cider said[/cite]Actually going through a bit of this now. Not so long ago I ended up sleeping with a friend only because:
    a) He was constantly hinting at it
    b) I was just in need of it

    It's kind of ruined things between us mainly from my side. It was weird doing it and I can't really relate to him the same way.

    In some ways we both crossed a line (especially one I refuse to cross) and it's messed things up. He seems to think everything's fine and maybe I'm over-reacting, but the "experience" wasn't the best and I just find there is a side to him I just don't like.

    Is this something I should just over look?
    [/quote

    Wow so I'm kinda curious about what happened to make you look at him differently? Did he try something a little too kinky for your tastes? Was he disrespectful or something? Or was it just animosity for you somewhat being pressured to cross the line with him?


    It had felt like it was a bit or pressure, but it wasn't all that good either. He had invited me to dinner at his place and all my alarm bells went off saying "no sex, no sex, no sex"

    Being a studio apartment, his dinner table was right next to his bed and every 2-3 minutes he'd look over to the bed. I'm still going "no sex, no sex, no sex" and to be honest I wasn't attracted to him.

    But it got to a point and I asked him why do you keep looking at the bed (duh) and he just replied it would be nice to cuddle. Still in my head it's "no sex, no sex, PLEASE no sex" but next thing I know he's taking my clothes off and I just didn't intervene. Why? Cause I needed something I guess, but not that as I found out.

    It changed a friendship into a hookup. a hookup you normally walk away from. The friendship on my behalf felt tainted.

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    Nov 02, 2010 12:50 AM GMT
    Global_Citizen saidMy all-too-frequent experience is that someone says they're relationship oriented and then very soon you find out they're anything but. Then there's the opposite extreme where someone's ready to go shopping for rings after the third date. Is it so difficult to find that happy medium?


    That I can relate. A guy dated me 3 times just to make out with me. Never heard from him again after that. I should have gone with my gut feeling.

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    Nov 02, 2010 12:57 AM GMT
    I'm definitely one of those guys..

    Even when I do have a hookup, it's hard to stop part of my brain from buzzing with questions about the potential for a relationship. Because of annoying crap like that.. I tend to not seek out hookups, unless it seems like it might really be worth it. If the opportunity presents itself, then awesome. If not... oh well.
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    Nov 02, 2010 1:05 AM GMT
    KentuckyTuss saidI'm definitely one of those guys..

    Even when I do have a hookup, it's hard to stop part of my brain from buzzing with questions about the potential for a relationship. Because of annoying crap like that.. I tend to not seek out hookups, unless it seems like it might really be worth it. If the opportunity presents itself, then awesome. If not... oh well.


    All those voices saying "Is he the one?" "Is this my soul mate?" "When will we live together?" "How many <x> are we going to have?

    Man do I know that feeling....
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    Nov 02, 2010 1:18 AM GMT
    Yeah I've definitely had this inner fight and I'm glad I'm not alone. I really want something meaningful but it's hard when you want sex too. I've found that taking care of business on your own helps.
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    Nov 02, 2010 3:26 AM GMT
    Many gay men suffer from low self esteem and self loathing but instead of taking the long road out jump at quick validation in casual sex. The pressure to be promiscuous is extreme in our community. Very often you hear do what you like, build your own rules, men are men and want sex, it is only sex -so what! But where are the men who will stand up and say when you go from casual encounter to casual encounter chances are you you are cheapening yourself and allowing someone to judge you on physical attraction only which is not a good idea. The more you put yourself in the position of being judged on your looks only (which casual sex is really about) the more you are setting yourself up to eventually erode your confidence. Cruising is rough, people drop you on a dime for some little thing like a gesture or jacket or haircut, facial hair. Gay men are no exception to humanity stop treating each other like pieces of meat and advising this young man to just do what his libido wants. Sex is fun and we all need it but this devil may care attitude in the gay community just doesn't work. I've seen so many young people throw themselves away looking for that one guy to love but going from hookup to hookup and then end up not caring who the hell they fuck. It is worth the long haul to not only find the person who will love you but to love someone as deeply as you really want to.

    And work out for yourself and health I believe it will keep you in the gym in the long run. It is your body you should care about not what other people think about your body, which is often the sad case with gay boys. And it is sad to see the community not grow beyond this.
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    Nov 02, 2010 3:31 AM GMT
    Simsek saidMany gay men suffer from low self esteem and self loathing but instead of taking the long road out jump at quick validation in casual sex. The pressure to be promiscuous is extreme in our community. Very often you hear do what you like, build your own rules, men are men and want sex, it is only sex -so what! But where are the men who will stand up and say when you go from casual encounter to casual encounter chances are you you are cheapening yourself and allowing someone to judge you on physical attraction only which is not a good idea. The more you put yourself in the position of being judged on your looks only (which casual sex is really about) the more you are setting yourself up to eventually erode your confidence. Cruising is rough, people drop you on a dime for some little thing like a gesture or jacket or haircut, facial hair. Gay men are no exception to humanity stop treating each other like pieces of meat and advising this young man to just do what his libido wants. Sex is fun and we all need it but this devil may care attitude in the gay community just doesn't work. I've seen so many young people throw themselves away looking for that one guy to love but going from hookup to hookup and then end up not caring who the hell they fuck. It is worth the long haul to not only find the person who will love you but to love someone as deeply as you really want to.

    And work out for yourself and health I believe it will keep you in the gym in the long run. It is your body you should care about not what other people think about your body, which is often the sad case with gay boys. And it is sad to see the community not grow beyond this.


    Amen brother
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    Nov 02, 2010 3:49 AM GMT
    I think I know what you mean...especially since I have been celibate for the last 3 years. I think about hooking up sometimes but then I always go back to realizing that I'm not going to get what I want form a hook-up....and it would just leave me feeling even more unsatisfied. I'm sure that is not the answer you are looking for though. Personally, I think that I would probably get more out of having a spoon buddy than a hookup. But that is just a guess....have not really done that recently either.
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    Nov 02, 2010 3:59 AM GMT
    Simsek saidMany gay men suffer from low self esteem and self loathing but instead of taking the long road out jump at quick validation in casual sex. The pressure to be promiscuous is extreme in our community. Very often you hear do what you like, build your own rules, men are men and want sex, it is only sex -so what! But where are the men who will stand up and say when you go from casual encounter to casual encounter chances are you you are cheapening yourself and allowing someone to judge you on physical attraction only which is not a good idea. The more you put yourself in the position of being judged on your looks only (which casual sex is really about) the more you are setting yourself up to eventually erode your confidence. Cruising is rough, people drop you on a dime for some little thing like a gesture or jacket or haircut, facial hair. Gay men are no exception to humanity stop treating each other like pieces of meat and advising this young man to just do what his libido wants. Sex is fun and we all need it but this devil may care attitude in the gay community just doesn't work. I've seen so many young people throw themselves away looking for that one guy to love but going from hookup to hookup and then end up not caring who the hell they fuck. It is worth the long haul to not only find the person who will love you but to love someone as deeply as you really want to.

    And work out for yourself and health I believe it will keep you in the gym in the long run. It is your body you should care about not what other people think about your body, which is often the sad case with gay boys. And it is sad to see the community not grow beyond this.



    THIS!


    It is quite refreshing to read comments with much substance! beautiful and absolutely inspiring words of wisdom! thank you!


    Leandro ♥
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    Nov 02, 2010 4:04 AM GMT
    fulldelight saidWell, I would like a serious relationship... but when I want to get laid, I go out and do it without judging myself - it's just sex.


    This is my outlook