Jesus, Moses, and the old man

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 10, 2008 7:11 PM GMT
    Jesus and Moses were out playing golf on one beautiful Sunday afternoon. Both were doing pretty well, but were lamenting the water hazard that was coming up, as it was a particularly hard hole to hit par on.

    Moses went first on this difficult hole. He set his ball, swung, and sent his little golf ball right into the center of the water hazard. Sighing, trying to ignore Jesus's jokes and ribs, he walked over to the water hazard. He stuck the end of his club into the water, mumbled something to the heavans, and miraculously, the water's parted! He walked down the now dry water hole, picked up his golf ball, and sat it at the water's edge, waiting to see if Jesus faired any better.

    Jesus didn't do much better, however, hitting his ball into the water hazard as well. Moses had a little more respect than Jesus did for his fellow players, and said nothing. Jesus walked up to the water hole, walked across the water, and picked up his ball that was floating on the surface.

    Finally, the old man that had been following them set his golf ball and swung. His ball was heading for the water hazard as well, and Jesus and Moses both snickered. But just as it seemed the water was going to be the golf ball's final destination, a freak wind picked up and the ball hit a tree and rolled to the edge of the water. A frog that had been sitting on a lilly pad hopped over, and picked up the ball in his mouth. Then an eagle who had been watching the frog for quite some time, thinking Lunch, swooped down and picked up the frog and the golf ball. Momentarily startled, the frog hung onto the ball, but in it's death throes, dropped the ball a mere 5 feet from the flag. A chipmunk darted out from a nearby hole, ran to the ball, and mistaking it for a particularly large black walnut, pushed the golf ball right into the cup, making for a hole in one.

    Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "Damn, I hate it when your dad plays golf with us."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 10, 2008 7:43 PM GMT
    Yes, one of my favorites.

    I've always liked:

    Three nuns are involved in an accident and pass away. They of course arrive at the pearly gates of Heaven to see Saint Peter standing there. He approaches them and says, "Welcome, sisters, to eternal paradise. Unfortunately, Heaven has become quite crowded so I just need to verify each of you with a question. Answer it and you may enter."

    Peter asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first man on Earth?" Quickly, the nun says, "Oh, it was Adam!" The angels float out of the clouds trumpeting, the sun shines bright in the sky and the gates open. She walks inside.

    Peter asks the second nun, "What was the name of the first woman on Earth?" She says, "Eve!" The angels float out of the clouds trumpeting, the sun shines bright in the sky and the gates open. She walks inside.

    Peter asks the third nun, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She thought for quite a long time, until finally she blurted out, "Oh my! That's a hard one!"

    The angels float out of the clouds trumpeting...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 10, 2008 10:45 PM GMT
    (I can't remember whether I read this in an RJ thread already...)

    Through a twist of fate, Bill Clinton and Pope Benedict die at exactly the same time.

    In the confusion, Bill goes to Heaven and the Pope goes to Hell. St. Peter has to make a few calls and eventually everything is sorted out.

    As Benedict and Bill switch places, the pope stops the president and confesses "I'm so relieved. All my life I've waited for the day when I could meet the Virgin Mary."

    Bill just smiles...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 10, 2008 11:06 PM GMT
    MikeOnMain said(I can't remember whether I read this in an RJ thread already...)

    Through a twist of fate, Bill Clinton and Pope Benedict die at exactly the same time.

    In the confusion, Bill goes to Heaven and the Pope goes to Hell. St. Peter has to make a few calls and eventually everything is sorted out.

    As Benedict and Bill switch places, the pope stops the president and confesses "I'm so relieved. All my life I've waited for the day when I could meet the Virgin Mary."

    Bill just smiles...


    Verrrry sly. And funny.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 10, 2008 11:09 PM GMT
    The Pope has just finished a tour of Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, the Pope asks the chauffeur if he might drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have much choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

    The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red and blue lights of a CHP cruiser in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.

    The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

    The trooper calls in and asks for the Chief. He tells the Chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how to handle it.

    "It's not Ted Kennedy again, is it?" asks the Chief.

    "No Sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more important."

    "Is it the governor?"

    "No! Even more important!"

    "Is it the PRESIDENT?"

    "No! Even more important!"

    "Well, WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the Chief.

    "I don't know, Sir," replies the trooper, "But he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 10, 2008 11:12 PM GMT
    An older jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since he felt a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

    The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

    They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

    "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

    Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room shaking screaming orgasm.

    The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 11, 2008 12:03 AM GMT


    R O F L
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 11, 2008 12:55 AM GMT
    That's hilarious Caslon! I feel like I've died and gone to the Borscht Belt.