Unrequited Love

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2007 9:47 AM GMT
    In tears yesterday a friend confessed to me that in all his life everyone he had deeply fallen for never returned his interest. He felt worthless. At the same time he admitted to being on the other "end" quite a few times. He is a beautiful man, but is having a hard time seeing that he is capable of being loved by someone he loves.

    I'm wondering what experiences you may have with this on either "end." And what you think of it. I'm developing an idea, but want to hear more stories and thoughts.

    What do you think about your own experiences with this?
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Jun 12, 2007 10:50 AM GMT
    I'm assuming the other "end" is homosexuality?
    Unrequited love is just that...
    You or anyone else you delves into it and stays there need to ask why?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2007 1:03 PM GMT
    Sorry. I should be more clear.

    I meant the other "end" being the one who is not sending the love back, not reciprocating, the object of the unrequited love.

    I can be slow sometimes, and assume everyone is reading my mind.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2007 1:32 PM GMT
    I have been there and it hurts self-esteem despite tons of confidence and living a complete life.

    I am at a loss to figure out what the hell do I do so wrong. I look nice have my shit together and loads of love to give the person who comes in my life and yet here I am..........with no answers
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2007 2:54 PM GMT
    Since we're all human, I think it very normal for your friend to feel sad.

    The cool thing is he has a friend like you to go to. When I was younger (and single), I thought I had it together. I looked great physically, I had a secure job, my own place wore the latest fashion, had good friends, was outgoing, full of confidence, etc. But when it came to meeting guys and having one on one conversations with them, I sucked.

    I immediately fell deeply in love with the person. I called him too much, sent gifts and was basically smothering the guy. When we'd be together, I acted like a school girl being shy, quiet and totally not myself. I'm certainly not implying that that is what your friend is doing, but that's what I did. The result is that it turned the guy off and scared him away.

    Again, it's normal to feel sad and hurt like your friend does but when he's ready, he may want to look back and take a good look at how he acted when he was around this guy. Maybe he acts differently when he's with this guy, rather than being the guy you know when you guys are together.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2007 2:56 PM GMT
    Is he turning his attention to straight blokes?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2007 3:11 PM GMT
    Well, that's the way of the world. Many creatures exercise selectivity in mating. (Also see: several metric tons of romantic literature.)

    To some extent, it's what drives us to try to better ourselves. Self-improvement may be a path to finding a more desirable mate.

    Having grown up on a farm, I can't help but observing that among many animals, it's also what drives homosexuality. Rebuffed by the females (or repelled by the dominant males) the young males often engage in homosexual behavior.

    Certainly I've frequently experienced unrequited lust in both directions. Not sure if it's ever gotten to the point of love.

    Some people really seem to let these feeling stew inside them. They build up elaborate internal fantasies about the object of desire that have little to do with the actual person. It seems to be more of an internal problem than an external one. I've had experiences with that a couple of times.

    Once, a person who I knew casually from work, and once someone with whom I'd chatted casually on the internet (and happened to meet IRL) suddenly burst out with dramatic confessions of love. As far as I could tell, these people had nothing in common with me, and I was certainly not the least bit attracted to either of them. In both cases, I'd previously exchanged hardly more than a few dozen sentences with them, but they both had built up elaborate fantasies of our (future) lives together. They seemed to think that by spewing it all out, their fantasies would become true. It was more than a little creepy.

    I guess that's where stalkers, and worse, come from.
  • gymingit

    Posts: 156

    Jun 12, 2007 3:37 PM GMT
    Sometimes I think we're all just too picky.

    But yeah, same boat here -- Loving without that love being returned.

    Now to answer your question about being on the other end.... I've been there several times and still am at the moment. I have had and still have several friends that may have wanted to be with me sexually or in a relationship and still loves me from afar. That said, I'm not interested.

    I love them more than anything as my best friends and tell them everything, but the sexual attraction just isn't there.

    I learned long ago that a person can't help but feel the way they feel and you can't really hold it against them or yourself.

    That's the hardest thing, forgiving yourself and for being too picky...lol

    LANCE
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2007 4:14 PM GMT
    I have been on the receiving end of unrequited love many times. The first was when I was still in school - I must have been no more than 14 or 15 - and my best friend, a girl, totally tried to make out with me one night. I was so shocked when she turned around and just went after me! It was that moment I realized I had NO desire to be with a girl, so thanks Jen, wherever you are! I had an interesting situation with another girl at the same time: we were great friends and all her friends assumed I was after her. We had a long talk one evening and I told her I was dealing with the realization I was gay. She was SO relieved I just wanted to hang out as she didn't want a boyfriend boyfriend, just a boy friend. Once the air was clear, we had a blast together!
    I gave UL (Unrequited Love) twice: the first time was a guy I used to sail with. He spent A LOT of time with me, over being with his young wife. We'd sail to Catalina Island (26-odd miles off the coast of Southern California) and just be with each other. Nothing physical as I assumed he was straight. In the end, when he tried to tell me he was doubting his marriage, wanted me around, but was straight, I called the whole thing off. It was tough and I was heartbroken. Kicked his a** at single man sailing a few years later... The last time was an employee of mine, my front-of-house manager for my last restaurant, who I realized was just as toxic as my fellow "supposedly straight" sailor buddy. It is still hard to think about; you find yourself reading into everything and every little glance or eye contact burns like acid on a wound. It's a rough thing and I am much more attuned to the potential unrequitee towards me now; I've been there...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2007 7:00 PM GMT
    If you can't have something, you are going to want it even more. sometimes we want what we can't have because maybee we actually don't even really want it. We just think we want it. Love is all around us all the time. We fix on matter - we become that matter. The matter becomes stagnate and does not move or flow because the desire overwhelms and traps itself. Real love just, uh, HAPPENS.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2007 7:32 PM GMT
    One of the hardest things is hearing "I love you" and not being able to reply in the affirmative. Having been there I can only say the best way to remember the other person is a human being, just as you, and has feelings which at times can be like glass.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2007 9:00 PM GMT
    I have to admit I have been on both ends of this coin. I will talk more about the giving or not giving end as many of the guys have already wrote about the recieving end of things.

    It was in my frist relationship of 10 years. Things were not all that rosey from the beginning as I found the person a bit insecure at times and be young and foolish I over looked many things as the person had many good qualities as well.

    We dated for a year and a half, I travelled about an hour and a half each weekend to spend time together, we made the commitement to live together and purchased a small farm. My partner had a couple of horses and I was in full support of moving them and building a barn on the property.

    As I mentioned in one of the other posts, I give my all. Of myself and what I have. If I am having a good week in my private practice then everyone wins.

    Within a few months of living together things started to change. No matter what I did, it was never enough. My partner started to see what I did for others as an act of "reduced love". Insecurities surfaced more and more and it became difficult for me to deal with them. As we had just purchased the house it was not a good time to sell. However, looking back I should have gotten out then. I also thought that with time, things would change.

    We had a very active and intense sex life, so that was not the problem. Over time I was showing less public affection and not hugging or verbal about my love. With time we became abusive with each other and I needed to get out. My partner refused counselling and was will to stay at all costs. I knew for my own sanity that I needed to let go of the rope.

    After the break up I read some really good self help books ("Japolsky" is a really great author) and realized that subconsciously holding back this love and affection from my partner as payment for the way I was being treated. I came across a book call "his needs - her needs" and can't remember the author cause I sold the book in a garage sale a few years back. Basically, in a realtionship we either deposit or withdraw "love points" in our partners account. When our parnter meets our basic needs we add these love points in his account and also the other way around.

    Relationship require 2 people. I think the issue is, we need to work on ourselves first and be able to accept ourself the way we are. This is called self love. A whole person who is sound (mind, body and soul) with themselve will usually be ok within a partnership.

    Nobody is perfect and we all have some sort of fears or insecurities. I have always been a confident type of person however, I still have insecurities in different areas of my life. I think the difference between now and then is that I am aware of my insecurities and willing to work on them if I see that it affects future relationships.

    A great little book is "Love is letting go of fear" by Japolsky. He is based in California and does tremendous work with AIDS and cancer patients at his Center of Additudenal healing.

    So my answer to you Madapollo, is that you can't figure this out for your friend as he needs to figure this out for himself. Even if you try to help him he may not be reseptive. A great quote that I will never forget is, " When the student is ready the teacher will appear."
    His wesite:
    This guy is a great aspiration as he is totally non judgemental toward any human being.
    www.attitudinalhealing.org
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2007 9:06 PM GMT
    I believe this is based on an earlier Sinatra tune.

    GLad To Be Unhappy Lyrics
    Artist(Band):The Mamas & the Papas


    Fools rush in, so here I am
    Awfully glad to be unhappy.
    I can't win, but here I am
    More than glad to be unhappy.

    Unrequited love's a bore, yeah,
    And I've got it pretty bad.
    But for someone you adore,
    It's a pleasure to be sad.

    Like a straying baby lamb
    With no mama and no papa,
    I'm so unhappy, yeah.

    Unrequited love's a bore, yeah,
    And I've got it pretty bad.
    But for someone you adore,
    It's a pleasure to be sad.

    Like a straying baby lamb
    With no mama and no papa,
    I'm so unhappy, yeah...

    But oh so glad
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2007 9:45 PM GMT
    Oh. My. God.
    Obscenewish, quoting music lyrics? Words fail me...
    I made a mixtape for you!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2007 10:23 PM GMT
    Whaddya mean? I love music. I even make my clients listen to it. You haven't lived until you've seen a sexually repressed straight man thrusting his hips while Pussy Tourette sings "Fuck My Pussy" at high volume.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2007 11:29 PM GMT
    THAT IS HILARIOUS!!!
    I was jesting you in gentle fun; I love music as well and it is an important aspect of my life, even if I can't play an instrument.
    ...aside from that one of course...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 13, 2007 12:27 AM GMT
    Obscenewish,

    You are correct, I admit I was a real fool! That is why I thought is was important to share this story.

    I was hoping that you, as a therapist would have added some wisdom to this post but I see you are just throwing tunes around. I must say it made my day! Patsy Cline lyrics say the same thing just a bit more emotional. LOL.

    I think if one guy on this site gets something out of this post, it will be worth it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 13, 2007 2:13 AM GMT
    Now, now, RK, I wasn't calling you in particular a fool. But, you know, I feel another song of unrequited love coming on.

    Fine And Mellow

    (Billie Holiday)

    My man don't love me
    He treats me so mean
    My man don't love me
    He treats me so mean
    Well he's the lowest man
    That I've ever seen

    He wears high draped pants
    Stripes are really yellow
    Well he wears high draped pants
    Stripes are really yellow
    But when he starts to love me
    He's so fine and mellow

    Love will make you gamble
    And stay out all night long
    I say love will make you gamble
    And stay out all night long
    Love will make you do things
    You always thought was wrong

    But if you treat me right baby
    I'll stay home every day
    Said if you treat me right baby
    I'll stay home every day
    But you're so doggone mean
    I just know you're gonna drive me away

    But if you treat me right baby
    I'll stay home every day
    Said if you treat me right baby
    I'll stay home every day
    But you're so doggone mean
    I just know you're gonna drive me away

    Love is like a faucet
    It turns off and on
    I said love is like a faucet
    It turns off and on
    Just when you think it's on baby
    It's turned off and gone



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 13, 2007 3:47 AM GMT
    "...Love is like a faucet
    It turns off and on
    I said love is like a faucet
    It turns off and on
    Just when you think it's on baby
    It's turned off and gone
    ..."

    rksportswear...

    We've all been there....we've all been fools....

    :-)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 13, 2007 2:23 PM GMT
    OK-
    this gets me every time:

    Patty Griffin:

    "When It Don't Come Easy"

    Red lights are flashing on the highway
    I wonder if we're gonna ever get home
    I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight
    Everywhere the waters getting rough
    Your best intentions may not be enough
    I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight

    But if you break down
    I'll drive out and find you
    If you forget my love
    I'll try to remind you
    And stay by you when it don't come easy

    I don't know nothing except change will come
    Year after year what we do is undone
    Time keeps moving from a crawl to a run
    I wonder if we're gonna ever get home

    You're out there walking down a highway
    And all of the signs got blown away
    Sometimes you wonder if you're walking in the wrong direction

    But if you break down
    I'll drive out and find you
    If you forget my love
    I'll try to remind you
    And stay by you when it don't come easy

    So many things that I had before
    That don't matter to me now
    Tonight I cry for the love that I've lost
    And the love I've never found
    When the last bird falls
    And the last siren sounds
    Someone will say what's been said before
    Some love we were looking for

    But if you break down
    I'll drive out and find you
    If you forget my love
    I'll try to remind you
    And stay by you when it don't come easy


    ...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 13, 2007 2:39 PM GMT
    This is all getting a bit maudlin. C'mon guys. We're jocks not namby pampies. Just think what hunk of love Chuckystud would have to say about this!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 13, 2007 2:41 PM GMT
    I know, I know...

    "Love Stinks"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 13, 2007 3:02 PM GMT
    OK-
    Last quote from Matt Groening channeling Friedrich Nietzsche:

    "Love is a snowmobile speeding across the arctic tundra. Suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the snow weasels come."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 15, 2007 1:16 AM GMT
    Obscenewish, You are just too damn cute! I get some really good chuckles out of your resopnses.

    How about: "Why can't he be you?"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 15, 2007 2:24 AM GMT
    Personally I don't believe there is such a thing as unrequited love. Unrequited lust or unrequited infatuation, but love is reciprocal. I've been on both ends. The kind of love you can offer someone who's not returning it isn't the same kind as that which is integral to a relationship. I won't get into the idea's of agape, eros, and philia.

    Simply put, if I see a guy with abs of steel, shoulders for days, a wit that is both quick and still kind, a desire to progress spiritually and intellectually in his life, self-confident and self sufficient, treats others with respect, and isn't judgemental then I can say I'm in lust or infatuated. Unless he loves me too, I'm not 'in love' with him.

    Most guys to whom this happens want someone who is the person they want to be without the effort at being that kind of person. On the otherhand, they may simply choose unreachable targets so they never have to address the issues of a real relationship.

    One guy I dated seemed so great until I realized I could never compete with his 'unrequited love' of someone whom he'd never be with since the other guy wanted nothing to do with him.

    Life's too short to waste time shooting arrows at the moon.

    Love yourself without ego or judgement and you'll attract a truely great man!

    P.S. Sorry, but no pertinenet lyrics come to mind and I'm not going to start typing out "Brand New Key"