How hard is it to say "Look, I'm just not into you"

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 04, 2010 6:35 AM GMT
    Why is it so hard for men to simply say "I'm not into you" rather than claiming they want to hang out and be friends, but are always busy or cancel last minute?
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    Nov 04, 2010 6:40 AM GMT
    Probably because they don't want to hurt your feelings.
  • aiko14

    Posts: 332

    Nov 04, 2010 6:45 AM GMT
    maybe they are saying the truth
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    Nov 04, 2010 6:50 AM GMT
    DoomsDayAlpaca saidWhy is it so hard for men to simply say "I'm not into you" rather than claiming they want to hang out and be friends, but are always busy or cancel last minute?


    Or they actually like you but don't know how to go around it.


    I HAD a platonic friend I thought until he kept flaking out on me.
    Then told me, "It's like a hot guy I really like asking me to hang out and I just want to do more."

    I told him to talk to me when he grew a new pair. lmao.
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    Nov 04, 2010 9:04 AM GMT
    I hated it when a guy did this to me. I made the first move and we talked for quite a bit. He led me on and kept saying I was cute and we should go to a park or go get a dinner after he gets off work. He told me to come back the next day and the next and the next. He made excuses for for not being able to do something like he said. We even made out with me in the damn parking lot. He actually gave me his phone number and never answered my 2 calls or replied to my message. Bitch wasted my time. If he didn't want to do anything then he should have said so and not kissed me or gave me his phone number. Ugh.icon_mad.gif
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    Nov 04, 2010 11:05 AM GMT
    or better yet saying, "I'm into you."

    This just doesn't happen enough.

    I'm a very forward person, and I've been scoping out this young man on campus whom looks like a fun fuck. I think I may just ask him if he wants to get together next Monday when he follows me across campus.
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    Nov 04, 2010 1:46 PM GMT
    AvadaKedavra saidProbably because they don't want to hurt your feelings.


    So does that mean you do that to guys?

    I would consider that the kinder and less hurtful thing to do is to be honest with your feelings and not let the poor guy linger and wonder.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Nov 04, 2010 1:59 PM GMT
    It's as hard to say as it is to hear. It is hard.

    But, being a man is hard, period. So either be one, or get out of the game and go check your balls at the gate.

    But remember when you hear it, and we all have to hear it some time, swallow hard and accept it, then move on. Don't dwell. Your value, your worth, your place in the world is not determined by one guy. Or even ten for that matter.

    And when you have to say it, say it, don't procrastinate and fumble. Just be honest, and don't fake a "but we can be friends" when you're not really interested in that, either. Be kind, not cruel, but not patronizing either.

    It's hard as hell, but so is life.
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    Nov 04, 2010 2:00 PM GMT
    DoomsDayAlpaca saidWhy is it so hard for men to simply say "I'm not into you" rather than claiming they want to hang out and be friends, but are always busy or cancel last minute?



    That phrase means the guy doesn't like your personality, either. I can't see anyone NOT being hurt by that.

    -Doug

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    Nov 04, 2010 2:09 PM GMT
    Because men are weak.
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    Nov 04, 2010 2:20 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    DoomsDayAlpaca saidWhy is it so hard for men to simply say "I'm not into you" rather than claiming they want to hang out and be friends, but are always busy or cancel last minute?


    That phrase means the guy doesn't like your personality, either. I can't see anyone NOT being hurt by that.
    -Doug


    It stops the development of an unwanted relationship. An initial disappointment is better than nagging heart ache later. Better that than misleading the guy. Definitely more honest and realistic.
  • benarw

    Posts: 128

    Nov 04, 2010 2:25 PM GMT
    Because men are pigs?

    Personally, I'm very bold in these situations. If I'm not into you and you're hitting on me I have problem outright saying, "sorry dude, I'm just not interested". It makes life so much easier in the longrun. I hate guys who string you along!
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    Nov 04, 2010 2:39 PM GMT
    Personally I think that everyone just has a hard time just saying "No"... And it drive me crazy...

    "I'm not into you" I would think would fall into this category..

    So I hope people are more upfront with you DDA. =)
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    Nov 04, 2010 3:08 PM GMT
    lol, there are plenty of ways to be upfront and kind at the same time.

    Rejection hurts, how we go about mitigating that hurt says a lot about us.

    -Doug
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    Nov 04, 2010 3:10 PM GMT
    There are better ways to tell a guy you aren't into him rather than hurting his feelings and saying "I'm not into you".

    But usually the guy being told that will get defensive, nasty and hurt or he simply won't believe you and thinks you are playing games. The whole issue is messy no matter how you do it.

    The worst is when you realize that things won't work out and that clueless guy thinks the key to your heart is to argue about liking him and he pressures you even more and is oblivious to reality. Very irritating and exactly NOT the way to a man's heart.
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    Nov 04, 2010 3:12 PM GMT
    I use to have a really hard time telling people because I was afraid of hurting them. I know now its much better to be upfront. The last guy even told me he respected me for being so honest.
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    Nov 04, 2010 3:18 PM GMT
    I'd rather have someone tell me they're not into me, granted in a nice way, then to give me a wishy washy response. That way I won't feel like I'm being strung along and have hopes that something could still happen between us.
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    Nov 04, 2010 3:26 PM GMT
    How I've sometimes said it in the past:

    "I like you, but there's nothing romantic or sexual about it. It's just the way it is and will be" Then I gave the guy a hug.

    Then the remaining friendship either lasts or you drift apart.

    -Doug
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Nov 04, 2010 3:45 PM GMT
    That's true, Doug. But mitigating hurt with fluff that we don't really mean is quite cruel, I think.

    I had a great date with a very nice guy recently, he's sexy, smart, pretty together, and on first look things pinged big time. But during dinner he revealed some character traits that I found very off-putting. How he treated the waiter (he made a mistake on the bill, caught it, corrected it), made us move tables because there were kids sitting next to us (not noisy, just that there were kids...huh?), and he got very fussy suddenly. And he took six cel-phone calls, two during dinner. Six! Then I said "hey, if you have to go, that's cool, we can do dinner another time." "Oh, no, no, no! Sorry, here, I'll turn it off." So then I asked about how he occupied his time outside of work and family, and he pretty much talked about going to bars and drag shows. Nothing wrong with that, just not my scene. But he never asked what I did, or what I like or how I spend my time. And then the phone rings again. So I just said "hey, I understand, that's cool."

    Still, again, attractive, sexy, smart. Not a bad person, just not a match. There wasn't enough to constitute my taking it any further.

    It would have rocked to date him for a while and have hot sex (if I could hide the fucking cel phone) and he was very complimentary and sweet and totally into me and it was very nice. But I just could not see investing in something I knew was not really a good fit.

    I knew when we said goodnight that it was a no go for me. I didn't say so right there because I didn't want to close the night with "So, thanks, but this won't work." He said "will you call me?" and I said "Yes." I knew what he meant, but I would have called, regardless. It's the right thing to do.

    So I called him, not right away, I waited a day. And then I rang him up and said 'Hey, I just wanted to say thanks, for a nice night. I enjoyed it." True, I did. "You're a very handsome and hot guy, you know that? The trouble is, I don't think we're a match" And then he says "oh....so, what, is it the intellect, is that it?" "No, no, I think you're clearly a smart guy and obviously attractive, it's things that are not matches. I'm a quirky cat, and I think you can see that. I'm so sorry." "Oh....like what is it that you don't think matches?" UGH!!!!!!! So what should I say? "You're a rude fuck when it comes to how you treat waiters and you go to bars and I hate bars and you should learn to hang up your cel phone once in a while!" Who the fuck am I to criticize his life. It's just not a match. So, I say, "It's things that you don't have control over, that just don't sink up and it's not me rejecting you physically, or because of your intelligence or anything like that. I'm VERY flattered by you, but it's a simple lack of chemistry that I can't explain, I'm so sorry." (again, all true.) "Oh, well, if you don't want to tell me, fine."

    I should have just hung up. But no, I went that extra step that is deadly. I said "How about we stay in touch. We can have lunch and maybe get to be friends (and this is where I thought what, FWB? Why?) but I'll let that be your call."

    But that last part, it was wrong, and dishonest and did NOT mitigate anything, really. It just flubbed the truth. And he knew it. Who wouldn't? So I think it's FAR better to be direct and not couch shit. Which is where hurt feelings have to be dampered down long enough to hear and not push with shit like "well, why?" Don't ask why, just let it be! And don't lie and say "let's hang out" when you know full good and well you don't really want that.

    Sorry, some things can't be mitigated. It's like that old joke about the guy who goes on vacation and has his friend look after things for him while he's gone. So he calls home to check in and asks how things are and the friend says "Your cat died." And the guy yells and says "What?!!!! You couldn't soften the blow, like Kitty was up on the roof and saw a bird and reached out his little paw and lost his balance and fell off? Man, be more sensitive! So, how's Mom?" And the friend says "Well, uhm....she was up on the roof..."
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    Nov 04, 2010 4:00 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    That phrase means the guy doesn't like your personality, either. I can't see anyone NOT being hurt by that.

    -Doug



    Not in gay terms.... everyone asks "what are you into?" and it means sexually.... I have several ppl that I wasn't "into" but like them personally and are friends.
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    Nov 04, 2010 4:01 PM GMT
    "That's true, Doug. But mitigating hurt with fluff that we don't really mean is quite cruel, I think."

    Now why would you use fluff? (which you did in that interaction with that guy)icon_wink.gif

    In that instance, as soon as he said, "Will you call me?" I would have,"Yes, as a friend only, my romantic and sexual feelings have gone, we're just not compatible that way." I wouldn't go the 'you're handsome and hot' routine, because you're inferring that if handsome and hot is happening then the remaining problem is personality.

    -Doug




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    Nov 04, 2010 4:03 PM GMT
    sibim4fun said
    meninlove said

    That phrase means the guy doesn't like your personality, either. I can't see anyone NOT being hurt by that.

    -Doug



    Not in gay terms.... everyone asks "what are you into?" and it means sexually.... I have several ppl that I wasn't "into" but like them personally and are friends.


    That's in your particular social environment, what are you into refers to an activity or an object, not a person.

    More like "who are you into".

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    Nov 04, 2010 4:19 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    sibim4fun said
    meninlove said

    That phrase means the guy doesn't like your personality, either. I can't see anyone NOT being hurt by that.

    -Doug



    Not in gay terms.... everyone asks "what are you into?" and it means sexually.... I have several ppl that I wasn't "into" but like them personally and are friends.


    That's in your particular social environment, what are you into refers to an activity or an object, not a person.

    More like "who are you into".



    Ok activity too... but I'm talking about dating and saying "in not into you".... we are not talking about an activity at that point...

    And the point is that it doesn't necessarily say you don't like the personality.

    Whether or not I know its mutual or just that I don't think the guy is a match for me I usually say "hey it was awesome meeting you but I get the feeling we both feel the same way and we aren't a match romantically" usually the says yeah and we walk away amicably.
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    Nov 04, 2010 5:14 PM GMT
    RowBuddy saidYup. Even when you think a guy is "into you" they are just not that into you. I get mixed signals all the time from guys. ALL THE TIME. I am sure the gay gene is on the same allele as the flake gene.

    There should be rules about these kinda of things. If you meet a guy and at ANY point do not "feel it" with him. STOP. DO NOT LEAD HIM ON!

    us old and ugly people have better things to do then go through life thinking someone is into us. Better to be let down, again, and start from scratch then waste our time continually on someone who is sending mixed signals.

    1. If you are not into a guy, don't kiss him. Ever.
    2. Don't sleep over, cuddle, put your head on the other guy's shoulder, give him a back rub. NO TOUCHING.
    3. Don't offer to buy dinner
    4. Don't tell him he looks hot, cute, sexy.
    5. Don't ask for his number. Don't text him sweet nothings, Don't Sext him. Don't text him in the middle of the day to see how his day is going. Don't tezt him Friday night when you are bored seeing if he is around and wants to hang out. Don't Text PERIOD.
    6. Don't use the D word (date)
    7. Don't hang out with him and then tell him "i had a great time, lets do it again!)
    8. Don't send him dirty or shirtless pictures on the internet, Grindr or AIM.
    9. DON"T give him FALSE HOPE (this is the most important thing). Telling him you want to hang out, or do something, or meet, or making ANY plans, and then continually flaking out, letting things hang in the air, or make halfassed commitments. This just makes the seeker want to reschedule because they actually WANT to be with you and are willing to wait, and wait. and wait. and wait.



    If you do ANY combination of the above you are basically telling a guy "I am into you". If you are NOT into him, GIVE HIM A BREAK and just let him move on.

    Lets face it, when you are in "love", "lust", "adoration" or whatever level of hell you are in, the Object of Dis-Affection loses the ability to be rational and will believe anything the Object of Affection says. We will look for any sign of interest and hold onto it with a death grip. By the time we wake up and figure out we are wasting our time another year has gone by and we are STILL single.


    *disclaimer: Yup. I am having one of THOSE weeks.


    This, this I like.

    Wait....so you think I'm cute...and you want to hang out...but you're always busy. We finally hang out you tell me you had a great time, you talk about other stuff you'd like to go do with me...but again...you are busy...then when I try to talk to you its like you make me feel like I'm bothering you. At that point I feel like I should just keep contacting you to push your buttons.

    I hate mixed signals.
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    Nov 04, 2010 5:18 PM GMT
    DoomsDayAlpaca saidWhy is it so hard for men to simply say "I'm not into you" rather than claiming they want to hang out and be friends, but are always busy or cancel last minute?


    I wouldn't say those exact words because I know what rejection feels like and so wouldn't want to bluntly reject someone like that. Although I would politely suggest that we will only be friends if I didn't like them; I would never lead them on, that's even worse!