CHEAT:Zero Tolerance Policy or 2nd Chance?

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    Nov 05, 2010 2:02 PM GMT
    let me hear your thoughts icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 05, 2010 2:12 PM GMT
    I used to give cheaters second and even third chances - to my dismay I found out the cheating also entailed unsafe activities. By a sheer stroke of luck I never contracted HIV.

    -Doug
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    Nov 05, 2010 2:13 PM GMT
    Totally depends on the situation. I personally think that I could forgive a minor indiscretion but probably not a full-blown affair. But unless it happens to you I don't think you really know.

    I had a very on-off relationship with my last bf, and we had argued on the phone and I said I wanted some time alone for a few days, when we re-established contact he revealed he'd kissed another guy. I forgave that, because I knew where it came from and due to the situation (i.e. we were 'on a break' :rollicon_smile.gif

    If my current bf cheated on me, I would be really angry and disappointed, but have so much invested in the relationship I don't think I could just walk away without a fight.
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    Nov 05, 2010 2:46 PM GMT
    NickFit saidTotally depends on the situation. I personally think that I could forgive a minor indiscretion but probably not a full-blown affair. But unless it happens to you I don't think you really know.

    I had a very on-off relationship with my last bf, and we had argued on the phone and I said I wanted some time alone for a few days, when we re-established contact he revealed he'd kissed another guy. I forgave that, because I knew where it came from and due to the situation (i.e. we were 'on a break' :rollicon_smile.gif

    If my current bf cheated on me, I would be really angry and disappointed, but have so much invested in the relationship I don't think I could just walk away without a fight.


    agree, it really depends on the situation.

    A first time minor indiscretion may be forgiveable. Depending onm how long u've invested in the relationship.

    If its been a year or more and a drunken kiss with another guy could be forgiveable, but if it was a full blown affair with another man then hell no. I'd be so fuckin pissed. But yeah 2nd chances are very "case by case"
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    Nov 05, 2010 2:53 PM GMT
    so you're saying compromise your personal values for a tolerable and forgivable behavior?

    what about the other party? did they compromise their desires for your own values?

    it's the same notion that if love is strong and powerful to forgive, shouldn't it also be strong and powerful for someone to not cheat on their partners?
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    Nov 05, 2010 4:58 PM GMT
    When someone goes behind my back and sleeps with another person (I say 'when' because it's happened with 2 different boyfriends), there's no gaining my trust back. I don't mind if they kiss another guy, as long as they're not being all sneaky about it. And if a boyfriend wants to sleep with another guy, I'm cool with that, as long as I know about it, and I'd like to be there to watch at least.
  • southernT

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    Nov 06, 2010 3:59 AM GMT
    I don't know what about other people, but for me cheating is cheating. I rather my partner come up to me and say that he needs some time off. I am totally tolerate that. During that time, he can do whatever he wants and anything he wants. If some one I love cannot stand in front of me and tell me that he wants, I don't think that person is worth my love. I am not tolerate cheater and there is no way I will give a second chance. If you don't respect who you love, you don't respect yourself. And that person is not worth of my time. I will be sad for weeks, months, and even years, but I will never reconsider a cheater because that person will cheat again one day.
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    Nov 06, 2010 4:08 AM GMT
    RRButch saidit's the same notion that if love is strong and powerful to forgive, shouldn't it also be strong and powerful for someone to not cheat on their partners?

    Since when has love ever been enough to stop a cheater from cheating?
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    Nov 06, 2010 4:11 AM GMT
    Yeah once the trust is broken on that level, no going back. We could always be friends though. icon_cool.gif
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    Nov 06, 2010 2:11 PM GMT
    Zero tolerance now, when I was younger it was a different story. Cheating just tells me that "I'm gonna do my own thing regardless of any commitments or if it hurts you". Even if I was okay with opening up the relationship, I couldn't with a cheater. You'll never know if your boundaries are going to be respected.
  • Edgeman0101

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    Nov 06, 2010 2:12 PM GMT
    ZERO tolerance, once a cheat ALWAYS a cheat! I learned that the hard way.
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    Nov 06, 2010 2:13 PM GMT
    Honesty is mre important... so I wouldnt make a big deal about cheating.... I would make a big deal out of lying about it!
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    Nov 06, 2010 2:45 PM GMT


    Is it possible to have less than zero tolerance?

    If there is then that would be me.
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    Nov 06, 2010 2:55 PM GMT
    You can't put stipulations on love. By nature men need to breed and breed that's what gives us an insatiable appetite for sex. If I truly loved someone I would always love them no matter what they did. Now going into a relationship u need to make sure u know this person before u commit. If they are a committed type and they cheat it's something to get through together. However if ur in love with a player, and u get together with a player, then you can not be surprised when he goes out and plays. Were often blinded by good looks and sweet whispers in our ears that we ignore the signs ahEad of time that could give us a clue about what kind of guy were dating. icon_smile.gif that's my 2 cents for the day
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    Nov 06, 2010 2:57 PM GMT
    It probably depends on how long you been with them. For example if I just started to date someone and they cheat, I would have zero tolerance.
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    Nov 06, 2010 3:06 PM GMT
    amar_m saidHonesty is mre important... so I wouldnt make a big deal about cheating.... I would make a big deal out of lying about it!

    Amar, cheating is lying. Cheating is not referring to an open relationship where there is an understanding that trysts with others is OK. In an open relationship there is also cheating. I know this one all too well.

    I had an open relationship with a lovely man (another one that couldn't respect rules -like safe activities) who went barebacking even though it was agreed to be taboo. I asked him later why he lied to me by agreeing to it.

    His answer was that he was afraid he'd loose me. So by lying he did. icon_rolleyes.gif

    -Doug
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    Nov 06, 2010 3:10 PM GMT
    Oooo man i was always thinking about this i dont really know if my BF was to cheat me and be wherry sorry i dont really know still guys maybe i would give him a second chance this is really a tuf one for me.
  • DKnight

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    Nov 06, 2010 3:12 PM GMT
    I used to be zero tolerance regardless of the situation. However, after the relatioship with my ex, I started to loose the way thought. I used to think that "How dared you cheating on me? FUCK. Out of my sight now!" I won't even give a chance for him to explain. Because I believed what I saw. However, when I realized what was going on afterward, I regreated and also fucked up the realtionship with him.
    After the lesson of this, I would choose second chance! And let that be verdicted by my little angel in my heart!
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    Nov 06, 2010 3:15 PM GMT
    Zero. Don't think I can trust a cheater.

    Best advice ever:

    There's an old saying in Tennessee, I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee, that says, fool me once, shame on, shame on you. Fool me, You can't get fooled again.
  • CuriousJockAZ

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    Nov 06, 2010 3:15 PM GMT
    I think if you really truly love someone, you have to accept the fact that people make mistakes. I know several couples who have been together a very long time who had a rough road when they were younger and in the early years of the relationship due to that hormone-driven "Kid in a Candy Store" mentality. Had they thrown it all away over one's early infidelity, they would not have the LTR that they have to show for themselves today. It really depends on the situation, and the degree of the cheating, and what lead to that cheating. Why did the partner cheat? Was it because he was in love or attracted to someone else, or was it because he wasn't getting the love he needed from the one he cheated on? Sometimes something like that can actually bring a couple closer if they work through it. Most long-term relationships come with their own set of hurdles and stages that you have to get over if you're going to make it over the long haul.
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    Nov 06, 2010 3:16 PM GMT
    No second chance
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    Nov 06, 2010 3:16 PM GMT
    I don't get open relationships... If you still want to play around, don't commit. It's that simple.

    As far as cheating goes, I agree with several posters here. Once the trust is lost, there's no recovering. While I could forgive the indiscretion, I could never forget it. Without trust, there can be no relationship.
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    Nov 06, 2010 3:23 PM GMT
    ksig121 saidI don't get open relationships... If you still want to play around, don't commit. It's that simple.

    As far as cheating goes, I agree with several posters here. Once the trust is lost, there's no recovering. While I could forgive the indiscretion, I could never forget it. Without trust, there can be no relationship.


    ksig21, Open relationships are toxic to Bill and I . We suffered in them.
    BUT I wouldn't dream of criticizing what works for others. It's their love and happiness, not mine! I have no right, any more than they have a right to slap me for mine.

    -Doug
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    Nov 06, 2010 3:31 PM GMT
    AvadaKedavra saidZero. Don't think I can trust a cheater.

    Best advice ever:

    There's an old saying in Tennessee, I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee, that says, fool me once, shame on, shame on you. Fool me, You can't get fooled again.


    LOL
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    Nov 06, 2010 3:35 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    ksig121 saidI don't get open relationships... If you still want to play around, don't commit. It's that simple.

    As far as cheating goes, I agree with several posters here. Once the trust is lost, there's no recovering. While I could forgive the indiscretion, I could never forget it. Without trust, there can be no relationship.


    ksig21, Open relationships are toxic to Bill and I . We suffered in them.
    BUT I wouldn't dream of criticizing what works for others. It's their love and happiness, not mine! I have no right, any more than they have a right to slap me for mine.

    -Doug


    Doug, I absolutely agree. That's why I said, I don't get them. My thoughts on the subject are how I view them. If someone wants to do that, then that's their business. As long as everyone involved are consenting adults, then have a good time...

    I know that I can come across as judgmental. I am when it comes to what I spend my time doing. It's really none of my business if I'm not involved. I have several friends who are in open relationships and it seems to work for them. It's just not something that I could go in for.

    Thanks for pointing out the tone of my response, though. It's good to have a moral compass in forums like this. icon_smile.gif