Chronic broken heart

  • Leo123

    Posts: 126

    Nov 05, 2010 11:39 PM GMT
    I don't know what to do anymore. I have literally tried everything. It's been almost 2 years that I don't even see the guy but the lingering thoughts are still persistant.

    I've done therapy, seen other guys, got a better job, started many other activities in my life but at the end of the day.. I still love him and think of him.

    It doesn't matter what I do, it'll work for a couple of months or may even become permanent but when I hit status quo, I still suffer for this guy. I wake up in the morning and there, I think of him. Go to bed at night and there I think of him. I catch myself crying every once in a while when I hit a bad day at work or if anything goes wrong in my personal life.

    Sometimes I feel this will never go away. This is the most awful love story one can hear about. I fell in love with a supposedly straight guy who used me for attention for a long long time before he finally got to a better situation and simply left me. I went broke, lost my job, my plans, everything. I had to move back in with my parents and start over.

    Tables have turned and I got to a better situation, I told the guy what he did to me (he was in denial of how selfish he was), cursed the hell out of him, got "closure" a few months ago but I'm still so depressed. This guy simply broke my soul.. made me lose faith in life. No matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to move on.

    Will this ever go away? What do I do.. This is a cry for help please..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 06, 2010 1:23 AM GMT
    Here Leo, grab a chair, but first, here's a hug *hug*.

    Let's look at this part,

    "I fell in love with a supposedly straight guy who used me for attention for a long long time before he finally got to a better situation and simply left me. I went broke, lost my job, my plans, everything. I had to move back in with my parents and start over."


    ...and you did! You're back on your feet, so to speak, and that's potent stuff.

    That supposed straight man now controls your present and your future. Do you think he deserves that right? Do you think he deserves that love?

    I do not. Your heart is a powerful thing, and your ability to love in the face of adversity is wonderful, but in this case I think misapplied.

    Go to the bathroom. Look at that man in the mirror and say to him,
    "Boy, you sure know how to love deeply!" then say to him,
    "What about me, could you love me that way?" because you must. Give that guy in the mirror a virtual hug and some kleenex. Failure is a jagged little pill, but dissolves with love.

    -Doug


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 06, 2010 1:24 AM GMT
    PS don't bottle this up. You can email anytime.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 06, 2010 2:57 AM GMT
    Big hugs. icon_smile.gif
  • Leo123

    Posts: 126

    Nov 06, 2010 5:54 AM GMT
    Sometimes I wonder if this is normal. We all go through heart breaks but this is too much.

    There's a lot of meaning to my situation with this guy. First guy I ever loved, my best friend for a long time, all my trust and hope deposited on him and I came out of the closet after this happened.

    I've beaten myself up for too long and it's been 2 years, I know what's the right thing to do. I just don't find the energy and motivation to keep fighting through this. The point is, I lost faith.

    I'll battle but I won't go 100% with my objectives anymore. My concentration is gone, I used to be so focused in life.
    My love life is, naturally, a joke. And that's simply because I don't open up anymore.. I don't trust anyone fully, not even my close friends. I see life with a very bad perspective on people. I always expect the worst (and that's usually what I get).

    I'm not concerned with my looks, the way I was before. I just don't care, don't see the point.. Am burned out about it. Why bother?

    All these nasty words and moments keep coming back in my head. It's as if I had one of those war veteran vertigos.. Deep hurtful memories.
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    Nov 06, 2010 6:14 AM GMT
    Wow! Sorry bud. Sucks. This dude must have captured a lot of the essence of you.
    (Big inhale) My BF of 8 mo. kicked me to the curb in June. He was unstable w/his meds and stressed a LOT (bizz moving) but said his career (talented commercial photographer) and life had no room for me. Out of the blue. He always romanticized about the artist suffering for his art which is of course BS, but... that and his med.s being screwy and we are no more.
    I was ready to ask him to move in, pay for the vet/PT work on his yellow Lab and put him through grad school. Christ did I love this kid. Smart and artsy but a native kid and slim, hung, cute. Red/grey hair at 31 w/great pork chop side burns. We had soo much fun and then... his OCD/ADD and depression kicked in and he punted me w/o rational discourse.
    I worry about him.
  • Chunner

    Posts: 87

    Nov 06, 2010 6:31 AM GMT
    It's like when you have been in a bad accident and really been messed up, you heal but you still feel the pain from time to time. This goes away but it does take a LONG TIME and even then you will still feel it from time to time. You also feel so much pain because this person disrespected you and truly did you wrong. And its horrible and I feel your pain and it will go away.

    Good thoughts coming to you from Oregon

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    Nov 06, 2010 7:14 AM GMT
    . . . i felt like this in college . . . just beside myself . . . and then as the years (not months) passed, things got better . . . your misery will abate, and you will have not returned from hell empty handed . . .

    chin up . . .
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Nov 06, 2010 7:18 AM GMT
    You will get through this. It took me 2yrs to get over my first BF it was a very long and painful process. What got me through were my friends and lots of Sex And The City viewings!!! Good luck buddy.

    Doug
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Nov 06, 2010 11:54 AM GMT
    Hmm .... I am sorry that you're going through this
    but I think you're going to have to look past this guy to get through this

    Getting over a BF is sometimes hard and we grieve for the loss of our relationships
    But sometimes we need to look at WHY we chose these guys in the first place and WHY we can't move on from there

    You're sounding like your depressed first of all
    and in depression we wrap ourselves with negative thoughts and memories even when we don't need to anymore
    so start from there .... work on getting out of your depression
    I think the loss of the BF is more of a symptom rather than the ailment

    Best wishes .... hope you feel better
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    Nov 06, 2010 12:30 PM GMT
    noren said . . . i felt like this in college . . . just beside myself . . . and then as the years (not months) passed, things got better . . . your misery will abate, and you will have not returned from hell empty handed . . .

    chin up . . .


    True......in my case, years......you'll never really get over it....but the hurt will subside.....and, as Hemingway said, "If people bring so much courage to this world, the world has to break them, so of course, it kills them. The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good, and the very gentle, and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too, but there will be no special hurry."