Coming out timing


  • Nov 06, 2010 1:01 AM GMT
    Hey

    I'm planning on coming out sometime in the near future to my family, but I'm fairly certain that they have no idea that I am gay and I am expecting them to take it really badly since they are extremely conservative. I haven't even told a single one of my friends yet either. I guess I am curious about how others have dealt with a very negative reaction from friends and family. Is it better to spring the news during a somewhat normal or busy time so they are able to occupy themselves with other things, or is it better to let family know during a more calm time when they do not have a lot of other things on their minds? I should probably wait until after Christmas? I read through the thread archives for similar questions, but never saw anything specifically about timing.

    Thanks for any responses.
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    Nov 06, 2010 1:03 AM GMT
    There is no timetable or deadline. When the time and the opportunity combine with your comfort, then it will decide. I waited until I was 58, just over the past summer, so remember, make sure that you are pefectly out to yourself, love and accept who you are....the rest will come in time....Keithicon_cool.gif
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Nov 06, 2010 1:28 AM GMT
    Your friends will probably be understanding more quickly. Parents are weird though... you never know until you do it. My parents were very conservative people and learned to accept me very quickly. I wont say it wasn't difficult at first, but it got better. I've also heard of very "open-minded" parents who freaked out about their children coming out.. you know, the "as long as it's not my kid" kind of people.


    Just do it when you're ready. The negative reactions will help you figure out which of your friends are actually worth keeping anyways. Also, don't let any of the negative crap people say get to you... just show them that you're the same person as before you came out.


    Good luck

  • Nov 06, 2010 1:35 AM GMT
    vetteset saidThere is no timetable or deadline. When the time and the opportunity combine with your comfort, then it will decide. I waited until I was 58, just over the past summer, so remember, make sure that you are pefectly out to yourself, love and accept who you are....the rest will come in time....Keithicon_cool.gif


    Thanks for the response. I'm not so much curious about my own timing and whether I am ready (i've accepted it and been ready for a while)...I am curious regarding how I can explain this to my family. In some ways, I think they would rather find out that I'm dead than that I am gay. It is going to be a big shock to them, and even though I realize that everyone is different and reacts differently, I would love to hear if there are things I should avoid saying or times I should avoid breaking the news in order to soften the blow. I'll be mostly fine, but I don't think they will.

  • Nov 06, 2010 1:37 AM GMT
    mcwclewis said...
    Good luck


    Thanks!
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    Nov 06, 2010 1:50 AM GMT
    Don't overexplain yourself. You have to accept that they may not receive this news favourably and hope that they will. Remember, in some cases, they need to process this much more than you did so give them time and space. They are a part of the 'coming out' equation. I sent an email to my family and that took the 'in your face' issue out of the equation and gave them time to process.....it was all favourable in their replies....Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Nov 06, 2010 1:53 AM GMT
    Born_by_the_river saidHey

    I'm planning on coming out sometime in the near future to my family, but I'm fairly certain that they have no idea that I am gay and I am expecting them to take it really badly since they are extremely conservative. I haven't even told a single one of my friends yet either. I guess I am curious about how others have dealt with a very negative reaction from friends and family. Is it better to spring the news during a somewhat normal or busy time so they are able to occupy themselves with other things, or is it better to let family know during a more calm time when they do not have a lot of other things on their minds? I should probably wait until after Christmas? I read through the thread archives for similar questions, but never saw anything specifically about timing.

    Thanks for any responses.


    Well Ive told a couple of friends first since I think its easier to tell friends stuff sometimes cause they might be more understanding then your family but that depends. If you tell your friends first it might make the stress of telling your parents less painful since you had done it before. I say tell them when you feel ready, do not do it when times are stressful cause they might cause more problems. Let things ease down and tell them. Hmmm well if you think you should tell them after Christmas go for it icon_biggrin.gif!
  • hockeydude12

    Posts: 169

    Nov 06, 2010 4:46 AM GMT
    First off, good luck. They may respond great to it, or may not, but you will never know until you tell them! For me, I told my one buddy right before climbing Kilimanjaro, so he couldnt run! But my two best friends, the one I thought would hate me, has become an even closer friend, yet the one who I thought wouldnt care, still brings it up to this day. As for my parents, they were shocked. My mom cried, and my day was eerily silent. But two days later, things were fine. It took a while I think for everything to be ok. So your parents will shocked, and will have to alter their perception about you and your future (no wife, etc). Just give them time and space when you tell them.

    Good Luck!
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    Nov 06, 2010 5:00 AM GMT
    What ever the reaction may be, you will always end up feeling better with yourself so just go for it. It's like ripping a bandage of, it may look intimidating and be painful while you are doing it but that's it.
    3... 2... 1... GO!
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    Nov 06, 2010 8:17 AM GMT
    Start with your closest friends first but also with those who you feel have an open mind on the matter.

    And this is just my personal opinion so don't feel rushed but if I were in your situation I would do it before Christmas. Your average mom will not want her son missing out on the holidays so she'll be more open to having you around as opposed to other times of the year where she might shut you out.

    If that's too soon ,and it probably is, tell a few friends now and wait until next Christmas. It get's easier every time you say it.

  • Nov 06, 2010 6:30 PM GMT
    bolero_of_fire said Your average mom will not want her son missing out on the holidays so she'll be more open to having you around as opposed to other times of the year where she might shut you out.


    Wow, that is a really good point and a fairly clever strategy. I'll have to consider that a bit. I suppose the flip side is that it will just make Christmas super awkward.
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    Nov 07, 2010 4:28 AM GMT
    I would recomend waiting after christmas, but you know your family better, for me the process took about a year from conceiving the idea to actually do it, I told my brother first cause I feel more close to him and I fell closer now than ever, then some friends, so I woul recomend telling the more accepting friends you've got, it doesn;t mean the closest though, test the waters, I hope it goes well, you'll feel when its time, no need to rush, as long asyou know that is something you want to do icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 07, 2010 4:33 AM GMT
    I agree with most of the other posts. Tell your friends first. You need a support network there to support YOU. Then, if you have a sibling that you're close to, tell him/her. I told my mom a bit before Thanksgiving (quite a few years ago, though). It didn't go well. But, after a few years, her and my dad are fine.
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    Nov 07, 2010 4:38 AM GMT
    mcwclewis saidYour friends will probably be understanding more quickly. Parents are weird though... you never know until you do it. My parents were very conservative people and learned to accept me very quickly. I wont say it wasn't difficult at first, but it got better. I've also heard of very "open-minded" parents who freaked out about their children coming out.. you know, the "as long as it's not my kid" kind of people.


    Just do it when you're ready. The negative reactions will help you figure out which of your friends are actually worth keeping anyways. Also, don't let any of the negative crap people say get to you... just show them that you're the same person as before you came out.


    Good luck


    Well said.

    venky