is it possible to be openly gay and have str8 friends??

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2008 8:39 AM GMT
    I was wondering if those who are openly gay are able to have stable friendships with str8 guys?? What have your experiences been like and how did your friendships come about?
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Mar 12, 2008 9:35 AM GMT
    It's possible...
    but it's difficult
    first of all you're going to find out that
    you're going to gravitate to having more friendships with people like yourself who are gay
    on the other side your str8 friends will have to be accepting of you bein gay too
  • NickoftheNort...

    Posts: 1416

    Mar 12, 2008 10:02 AM GMT
    I have not had any noteworthy problems with maintaining friendships with straight guys (other than the ones created by my own insecurities, particularly related to my prior closetedness). My currently most active friendships (people I interact with regularly in-person) began in my early childhood.

    Then again, the majority of my straight friends knew that I was gay way before I synced up to it icon_razz.gif

    While I still have vestiges of that awkward sense when I bring up "hey, I'm gay" (such as mentioning that I was watching Small Town Gay Bar to one of my friends from early childhood), it's something you just get more comfortable with as you standardize it. The more comfortable you are with yourself, the more comfortable your friends will be with you.

    I may behave differently with different friends though (I generally reserve the "oh, that guy is so hot / dreamy" discussions for fellow gay friends).
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    Mar 12, 2008 10:08 AM GMT
    In real life... I've yet to find out this summer (March/April - Coming out to bestfriends).

    Online. Yep. Quiet fun actually.

    I belong to an online group of game development enthusiasts. Here's my coming out:

    (I previously came out to the rest of the team, I was saving him for last since he was the youngest and I thought he was the most homophobic since he was always cracking gay jokes and stuff)

    ME: :S
    ME: k. ummm.... i dunno where to start

    HIM: start from where you know i could undersant
    HIM: :d
    HIM: cmon tell it, why are you keepiong this tension

    ME: eh... ive told {the rest of the team}, i dunno if {a team member} or {another team member} were present or afk at the time
    HIM: what did you told them ?
    ME: well.. lol
    HIM: ..............
    HIM: TELL IT

    ME: ok this is shitty, lol
    ME: i dunno if now's the time

    HIM: hello
    ME: lmao
    HIM: just say it
    HIM: dont keep me on suspense, i hate that

    ME: lol ok
    ME: first of all you're the last one im telling for a reason

    ME: promise to listen first ok, lol
    HIM: icon_razz.gif
    HIM: yes.
    HIM: lemme put some rammstein

    ME: coz i dunno... ive kinda seen your past reaction and i felt guilty for it...
    ME: lol idiot

    HIM: just say it
    ME: but bah. ok can u guess where im getting at?
    ME: this is really serious. :S

    HIM: no
    HIM: continue
    HIM: its ok

    ME: ok. don't hate me,
    ME: if it makes you feel better, I haven't told anyone in real life yet
    ME: coz im scared of being disowned and all that stuff icon_sad.gif
    ME: im gay :S
    ME: crap, i feel crazy atm.

    HIM: so much for girl help
    ME: lol
    HIM: ok then
    ME: no, i actually know a lot about girls... :S
    ME: so?

    HIM: just lemme apologize if you ever felt insulted by my acusations againts gay
    HIM: never ment to offend my friends

    ME: so...?
    ME: it's seriously okay with u, man? :S

    HIM: i dunno
    ME: ok lemme explain it first
    ME: im gay, but im not effeminate

    HIM: ofcourse its ok with me icon_smile.gif
    ME: im a bit like {a gay friend} and {another gay friend}... tho a bit less bitchy lol
    ME: the umm 'masculine' type

    HIM: you wanted me to /ignore you ?
    HIM: icon_neutral.gif

    ME: i dont want to be a woman, and i dont act like a woman, but ive never been attracted to women
    HIM: i always wanted to be a girl icon_biggrin.gif
    ME: lol ik thanks
    ME: LMAO

    HIM: XD
    HIM: i know

    ME: LOL, i was really afraid of telling u, u know
    HIM: but ... after i... uhm lets say " studied" them i noticed that its much better being a boy
    ME: yes, they have mens, get pregnant, give birth, have PMS .. icon_razz.gif
    HIM: so excuse me if u see me sometimes of too much of myself
    HIM: ye icon_razz.gif
    HIM: and all the other complexes that all of em have

    ME: heh
    ME: like ur girl now


    He's a 17-year old romanian. icon_razz.gif The one I'm closest to in the team. He was having GURL problems when I came out to him. icon_rolleyes.gif Nothing's changed at all after I've come out to the group.
  • mrpandora

    Posts: 65

    Mar 12, 2008 12:17 PM GMT
    hmm I have never had to deal with any of these worries.
    Quite frankly, with me its the complete opposite. I have mainly straight friends, both male and female. and in that way i have difficulty friending up gay people.

    My best friends are all straight and all fine with that. I also don't like the 'scene' and as such always avoid those places.

    But my friendships are complete, respected and fullfulling. the gay thing is no issue, as it should be.

    so I guess my question is, is it hard to befriend gay men, if you want more than just the sex thing?
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    Mar 12, 2008 12:55 PM GMT
    i've discussed this with someone before. he said that he started off with alot of straight friends, but that as you get towards a certain age, 30ish, things change ALOT. for starters, straight people couple up a bit differently. thy save up money for their kids (which some gays do as well but on a much less frequent basis) and stop going out for drinks as often. my marketing prof loves the gay demographic because often there is more disp[osable income. this can lead to a bit of animosity from your straight friends when you can ur boyfriend can up and leave for a cruise 2 times a year and they start poppin out babies. it's a 2 way street though. they might be jealous, but you might be "unaccepting" of what their lifestyle has become. "coming out" as pregnant changes alot more for people than coming out as gay sometimes.

    and as nick said you probably will have to act differently around straight friends. this isn't being closeted or denying who you are (assuming you aren't). you don't need to talk about everything gay all the time to them. if my buddies are gonna sit around and talk about their sex lives, they'll hear about mine too. if we're just at dinner talkin about movies i'm gonna talk about movies. it's the same way i watch my mouth around my parents, or professors.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2008 2:15 PM GMT
    mrpandoraso I guess my question is, is it hard to befriend gay men, if you want more than just the sex thing?


    Good question.

    I don't know though. I've NEVER had a close gay friend. icon_sad.gif

    agree with jms84, the differences will sooner or later pull you apart. I do hope not. icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2008 2:20 PM GMT
    Most of my friends are straight. Not by choice, but by circumstance. I came into gay circles later in life (once I moved to a city,) even though I've known I was gay since age 5, and hence most of my friendships are with straight men and women. I have formed some sustainable gay friendships, particularly over the past 3 years. It's not something I think or worry about. If someone doesn't like you for whatever reason, it's often more to do with him/her than with you.
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    Mar 12, 2008 2:24 PM GMT
    Most of my friends are Straight!
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    Mar 12, 2008 2:32 PM GMT
    My best friend is female. I get on well with her husband, though. We spend time together golfing or going fishing or playing pool or darts. I have lots of other straight friends and we all get along great. There is an easygoing attitude among us and no one really cares that I'm gay. People that don't like or can't handle that fact don't usually come around again. I don't keep many gay friends, mostly cause there are not a lot of them around here. Or they are centered in Drama or the Scene or a scene or what ever. lol. Of course all my girlfriends are lined up waiting for me to try being with a woman. lol.
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    Mar 12, 2008 2:37 PM GMT
    Yes. It is. One of my oldest friends is straight - I've seen him through long-term girlfriends, 2 marriages... and while we don't see each other often, it's more because we now live about 90 minutes away from each other than anything else.
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    Mar 12, 2008 2:37 PM GMT
    NINETY-EIGHT per cent of my close friends are straight men and women, so that means 1 gay man for every 50 straight men and women combined.

    And THEY are the ones who initiated the friendship with me, as I always prefer to be alone and not be identified by a certain "group of friends" so to speak. Sometimes I feel I'm the one who is unconsciously avoiding to be close at the beginning of any friendship since I'm cynical by nature.

    But then I just realized that they don't feel threatened by me 'cos I don't judge, talk behind someone's back, take advantage of them drunk or sober, etc., etc. (which they would normally get treated the opposite by their peers), so the feeling grew to be mutually respectful.

    The funny part is when the guys feel comfortable around me and begin teasing. I'm just not interested with my friends that way. LOL! x
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Mar 12, 2008 2:49 PM GMT
    I'm in the group with many more straight friends than gay friends. It hasn't been an issue with any of them, as far as I know.
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    Mar 12, 2008 2:52 PM GMT
    Of course! At least for me it is. Some of my straight friends have a limitation on how much of my sex life they want to hear about, or won't discuss religion with me, but only for the sake of saving the friendship. But the rest of my straight/str8 friends find my sexuality, adventures and mishaps to be as worthy of conversation as any straight guy's or girl's tale. Maybe I'm one of the lucky few, but I think it has something to do with my way of handling things. I'm not a diva or a victim by some grand design. Those are major turn offs for my friends, and compared to other gays we were mutual friends with in the past, I was the more stable choice.
    More than half are women, but still it's still good that they respect me, no matter how many or few there are. But don't forget that it's important to keep good gay friends too. Someone you can relate to, shot the breeze with or just a drinking buddy. Never know when you'll need the advice of someone whose been there and done that!
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    Mar 12, 2008 2:54 PM GMT
    I have a GREAT mix of straight and Gay friends. However my long term friends are ALL straight; these are the same guys I went to High School and/or College and knew me prior to coming out and we're ALL still good friends! I still believe that THOSE guys know me BEST! My rapport with straight guys comes easier for me vs. Gay men, the bonding, the interaction, the 'talkin shit', the banter and what not comes more easily to me than with Gay men; it takes a bit for me.

    So it is VERY possible, as long as you're open to it and have no hang ups! I know Gay guys that are SO into being Gay that they almost refuse being around straight people if they don't have to, really ridiculous!!!
  • bigguysf

    Posts: 329

    Mar 12, 2008 2:56 PM GMT
    My best friends these days tend to be my straight friends (many of them married). I get them, they get me, and there's none of the sexual baggage to get in the way of enjoying each other's company.
    It actually feels like a safe relief at times. icon_smile.gif
  • NickoftheNort...

    Posts: 1416

    Mar 12, 2008 2:56 PM GMT
    I just want to clarify: you don't *have* to act differently in the company of your gay friends vis-a-vis the company of your straight friends; if you want, you can of course inform them with, for example, graphic details of your sex life or of your inclinations.

    However, if you begin telling your friends out-of-the-blue about the "tight hole you plowed through" or the "monster dick that ripped you a new one," be aware that graphic sex talk may not be their cups of tea and that your friends may gradually veer away from you if you press on with it (keep in mind that this can apply to straight persons and straight sex life as well). Then again, they might enjoy it icon_biggrin.gif

    [yes, yes, this is an extreme example and I am *certain* that most reading this would be absolutely appalled at such language; shame on me for even considering the possibility /slaps wrist]

    ***
    In general, be who you are comfortable being (within whatever degree of personal integrity you demand of yourself) and foster your friendships in ways that are socially organic and that give mutual joy to you and yours.
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    Mar 12, 2008 2:57 PM GMT
    Yes it is possible, but the dynamics I find are different then with gay friends. I find there is actually more peer pressure in gay society then straight society in some ways, especially when you are younger. There is a not so subtle expectation that you will:

    1. Think about sex with guys constantly;
    2. Like to do certain things like shop;
    3. Be catty or bitchy;
    4. Like to party.

    That of course maybe the generation I grew up in (the 1980's) and things could be quite different with young gays today since they are out so much earlier then my peers were.

    Gay society in big cities is geared towards youth, partying, bars, and once you reach a certain stage in your life (late 30's) you find you can no longer keep up with that lifestyle (some do with artifical means).

    With straight friends things change when they start marrying and having kids. It is harder to keep socializing with them since they are so busy.
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    Mar 12, 2008 2:57 PM GMT
    bigguysf saidMy best friends these days tend to be my straight friends (many of them married). I get them, they get me, and there's none of the sexual baggage to get in the way of enjoying each other's company.
    It actually feels like a safe relief at times. icon_smile.gif



    I TOTALLY agree!!!
  • NorthFl

    Posts: 98

    Mar 12, 2008 2:58 PM GMT
    Yes
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    Mar 12, 2008 3:02 PM GMT
    And when you don't call them or decline their invites, it's NO BIG DEAL TO THEM which is, a big deal for me!!!
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    Mar 12, 2008 3:04 PM GMT
    I don't find this to be a problem at all. I've had very close straight guy friends. I am out and it was not an issue.
    I think the problems come about if there's some sort of physical attraction and you're not mature enough to deal with it.
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    Mar 12, 2008 3:06 PM GMT
    My closest friends locally are 2 of my Academy classmates, straight. What is so awesome about them is they are totally supportive of me, and we frequently dine or hang out in the Castro. Most guys I know at the gym are straight. I find it easier to talk and hang out with them. I don't find gay guys in SF as easily approachable - the vibe I get is that many of them think there are ulterior motives (sex) or that the overture for friendship is not genuine. There was one guy who had been introduced to me last year, and we got along well, and I tried very hard to pursue a friendship with him, with no reciprocation onhis end. I finally gave up.

    Maybe its when I meet straight guys, since I have no expectation or ulterior motive, it is easier to strike up a conversation. Dunno.
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    Mar 12, 2008 3:08 PM GMT
    Indeed possible, and highly recommended. No straight friends=severe lack of perspective.
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    Mar 12, 2008 3:14 PM GMT
    I'm a little bit femme sometimes but i still have quite a few straight guy friends. And whenever anybody questions my guy friends sexuality i pretend to be the gay with the best gaydar and tell that person that i would have known if they were gay. icon_lol.gif