Gay men and their fathers

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 13, 2010 11:34 PM GMT
    As a small child me and my dad were really close, but all of that changed once I got older. Around middle school he started to treat me differently and even bullied me to get rid of his anger for everything else. Now our relationship is really strained and it's even worse since I moved back home after grad school. I haven't come out to him and I'm not fem, so he doesn't know that I'm gay. He may suspect, but I haven't came out and said anything to him. But I digress...

    Anywho, just wondering if other gay men have bad relationships with their fathers and how have you dealt with it. Or if you have any advice besides me moving out of the house. Trust me, I'm working on it...icon_cry.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 13, 2010 11:51 PM GMT
    Rocky father/son relationships are common amongst gay men. Not a generality, though, I have a fantastic relationship with my dad.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 13, 2010 11:53 PM GMT
    Glad to know there are some guys out there with great relationships with their dads. Does he know about your sexuality?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 13, 2010 11:56 PM GMT
    oduniceguy saidGlad to know there are some guys out there with great relationships with their dads. Does he know about your sexuality?


    Yes, but we don't really talk about it.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Nov 13, 2010 11:57 PM GMT
    I am lucky to also have a great relationship with my father.
    Yes, he knows I'm gay. I'm lucky that my dad is accepting of it and can still love me no matter what.

    I think it helps that I am completely independent and not living with him and he is no no way supporting me financially, so what does he have to complain about?

    But anyway, I love my Dad, he's cool as hell (not that hell is cool, but u know what I mean)

  • novemberfox1

    Posts: 32

    Nov 14, 2010 12:37 AM GMT
    This will shock some people, but my father was gay. I didn't find out until a few years before he died, but I always had my suspicions. He cheated on my mother hundreds of times, even in our own house while my mom and I were upstairs. You can only imagine how this changed the way I felt about him after I found out. When he found out that I was gay, he freaked out and tried to get me "help". I think he had many things wrong with him, so if you want more details, hit me up and I will disclose more. Its very ironic that I wished him dead so many times. Him and I used to get into fights very often. I was the one doing chest compressions and giving him CPR as he was dying.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2010 12:40 AM GMT
    novemberfox1 saidThis will shock some people, but my father was gay. I didn't find out until a few years before he died, but I always had my suspicions. He cheated on my mother hundreds of times, even in our own house while my mom and I were upstairs. You can only imagine how this changed the way I felt about him after I found out. When he found out that I was gay, he freaked out and tried to get me "help". I think he had many things wrong with him, so if you want more details, hit me up and I will disclose more. Its very ironic that I wished him dead so many times. Him and I used to get into fights very often. I was the one doing chest compressions and giving him CPR as he was dying.


    O man that is relly hard on you sorry to hear that,a big hug for you man icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2010 12:42 AM GMT
    oduniceguy said I haven't come out to him and I'm not fem, so he doesn't know that I'm gay. He may suspect, but I haven't came out and said anything to him. But I digress...

    any advice besides me moving out of the house. .icon_cry.gif


    My advice would be don't bring it up unless it comes up. Then let him know. The truth will set you free......

    My dad and I have always had a tough relationship, he use to beat me and at 18 kicked me out of the house. I very rarely talk to him, Some 40 years later and the pain is still there. He knows I'm gay and has some choice words. Being a dad of two sons, I love them......no matter what they do. We've grown from a dad-son relationship to friend-son relationship. It's great hearing from those RJ guys above who love their dads.

    Be strong and trust your instinct...
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Nov 14, 2010 12:45 AM GMT
    My father could not accept my being gay and blamed me for all of his problems ( imaginary and real) and became physically and verbally abusive. icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2010 12:50 AM GMT
    My father does not exist to me - and we live in the same house. I really cannot stand that man. I've never met anyone more ignorant in my life. I live my life exactly the opposite of his.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Nov 14, 2010 12:53 AM GMT
    My father was my best friend, and he's been gone fifteen years now. I miss him more than ever these days.

    If I'd moved back home after grad school, I'm sure things would have been strained between us, too. Simply because he'd have been frustrated that he couldn't help me out by doing more, and get me started on my own. I know how he thought and how he did and didn't express himself - both good and bad, so I suspect your Dad, OP, may be butting heads with you more out of frustration to see you emerge and fly on your own than on judging you or having any deep anger or resentment.

    That said, coming out to him will be a challenge for you, until you DO move out. It might be that you need to give him the assurance that in some ways he's "done his job" and modeled something for you that will help you go beyond what he achieved himself. There are some ways in which men express pride as a parent differently than women, some.

    So you may greatly improve your chances of having a mature, loving, friendly relationship with him once you've had a chance to stabilize and can afford to be truly independent of him. At which point, I suspect he'll still need to be "needed" but in an entirely different way. That could be where asking for his moral support and understanding and encouragement for claiming your full, whole, happy, open and out identity might give him the opportunity (or the challenge) to move to the next level of Fatherly love. But remember, that challenge is his, so don't have any particular expectations - hope is fine (fragile, but fine), but it's going to be as much a transition of understanding for him as anything else.

    Just a thought.
  • jedwood

    Posts: 7

    Nov 14, 2010 1:03 AM GMT
    Ciarsolo saidRocky father/son relationships are common amongst gay men. Not a generality, though, I have a fantastic relationship with my dad.


    As do I. But I know that we've been fortunate. Be comfortable with yourself first, then determine if you want to tell him. If you are still at home, have someplace to go just in case coming out to him does not go as well as you'd hoped.

    My parents and I never talked about the 'important' things in life while I was growing up: sex, drugs, politics, religion...we just didn't talk about them. They were never brought up, so when I graduated high school, I waited a week, got a backup plan, then came out to them. Hardest thing I've ever done. Turns out they both already knew. Especially Mom, she said "Is that all? I've known you were since you were 2 and a half and asked for a doll." (Stereotypes aside...I *did* ask for the doll, his name was Jamie and he was African-American.)


    ...woulda been nice of her to let ME know. Would have saved a bunch of worry on my part. The important thing was that I was ready and I felt SO much better after.

    (ps: Dad just asked me yesterday if there was 'anyone special' in my life. I am very lucky.)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2010 1:15 AM GMT
    well i dont really talk to my dad, its generally quiet between both of us. The only time we really talk is about general stuff besides that we dont really talk to each other. Also, he doesnt know im gay.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2010 1:25 AM GMT
    My dad was an alcoholic and abusive throughout my childhood to me and my two brothers, and verbally abusive to my mom on occasion. One time when things were especially rough, my dad threatened to stab me with a fork. I ran away from my house until almost midnight. I was about 11 at the time. When I finally came home, he was waiting, and said he wanted to talk. I ended up telling him the best thing he could do for his family would be to get a divorce and leave. To this day he tells me no one has ever said anything more hurtful to him in his life, and the sad thing is, I meant it.

    Anyways, long story short, things continued off and on until I was 17 in Gr. 12; the physical abuse was much less as he was more evenly matched, but the violent tantrums and verbal abuse persisted. About 4 months before my graduation he and I were making homemade burgers home alone, and he just broke down in the kitchen, bawling uncontrollably. I was speechless, and had no idea what to say. He told me he was a terrible father (I told him I agreed), and that he was sorry for ruining my childhood. He said I was his favourite ( I was his first of three kids) and that he loved me etc etc. We have never spoken of that night again ever, but things changed overnight.The drinking, the explosive temper, everything almost entirely subsided.

    When I came out to my family over a year ago in May 2009, not only was he tolerant, but he was accepting, although he admitted his discomfort with it. He treats me with respect and even inquires about my personal life. This is more than I ever expected to receive from a Catholic man who'd treated me like shit up until he realized he was about to lose me.

    Sorry for the rambling! It's the first time I've expressed this story in words. I hope it provides some insight and maybe even reassurance for your situation, proving that things really aren't always as they seem.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2010 1:30 AM GMT
    When I came out to my father in 2008 he told me that he would always love me and that I would never find happiness. Nothing like the person you are supposed to look up to tell you that your life is destined to be one in sadness. I've never told my dad that I've been haunted by his words for two years - and I know that one day I'll meet the right person and I can prove him wrong - after all he is divorced from my mother and doesn't seem all that happy himself. It's sad that he is so emotionally distant that he just can't have a real conversation with me. I wish I had a truly supportive and awesome family - if you have one - never take it for granted.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2010 1:33 AM GMT
    NYC_Filmguy saidWhen I came out to my father in 2008 he told me that he would always love me and that I would never find happiness. Nothing like the person you are supposed to look up to tell you that your life is destined to be one in sadness. I've never told my dad that I've been haunted by his words for two years - and I know that one day I'll meet the right person and I can prove him wrong - after all he is divorced from my mother and doesn't seem all that happy himself. It's sad that he is so emotionally distant that he just can't have a real conversation with me. I wish I had a truly supportive and awesome family - if you have one - never take it for granted.


    he probably does love you but that sure does sound like he's projecting on to you. i know it's hard to shake off but he's talking more about himself then you in those words.
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Nov 14, 2010 1:44 AM GMT
    novemberfox1 saidThis will shock some people, but my father was gay. I didn't find out until a few years before he died, but I always had my suspicions. He cheated on my mother hundreds of times, even in our own house while my mom and I were upstairs. You can only imagine how this changed the way I felt about him after I found out. When he found out that I was gay, he freaked out and tried to get me "help". I think he had many things wrong with him, so if you want more details, hit me up and I will disclose more. Its very ironic that I wished him dead so many times. Him and I used to get into fights very often. I was the one doing chest compressions and giving him CPR as he was dying.


    All I can say is WOW. I'm sorry you had to go through all that icon_neutral.gif
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Nov 14, 2010 1:49 AM GMT
    I have a good relationship with my father, but I think when I was younger he thought I needed to "toughen up" and be more manly. I think part of that was that he thought my idealistic tendencies would lead to epic disappoints (and he was right to a degree). He is very affectionate if that counts for anything haha - I think he could hug me and my siblings to death.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2010 1:52 AM GMT
    Not really, we're civil to each other but it's just cos we don't see each other often that our relationship isn't too strong. But deep down I know that he loves me, but sometimes I feel that I don't show him that I love him enough icon_sad.gif. Aw sad times lol icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2010 1:55 AM GMT
    I have the best dad in the world. Hes really young though compared to my age, hes 46 and im 27, he was always like a big brother to me more then a dad growing up haha. When I told him i was gay he just hugged me and that was the end of it. My mom was the problem but she's alright now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2010 1:57 AM GMT
    My dad is a bit of a pleasant nutcase (seems to run in the family) but he's awesome.

    We went through some very rough times together, had a great many fights, and he technically kicked me out of the house.

    In the 5 years following me taking off both him and me worked on getting our shit together (me trying to make my own way, him finally re-marrying after 17 years) and it's been only uphill from there.

    Both my dad and my step mom are totally awesome people. Interestingly enough my step mom dated a woman for 7 years before she met my dad. How awesome is that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2010 2:05 AM GMT
    novemberfox1 saidThis will shock some people, but my father was gay. I didn't find out until a few years before he died, but I always had my suspicions. He cheated on my mother hundreds of times, even in our own house while my mom and I were upstairs. You can only imagine how this changed the way I felt about him after I found out. When he found out that I was gay, he freaked out and tried to get me "help". I think he had many things wrong with him, so if you want more details, hit me up and I will disclose more. Its very ironic that I wished him dead so many times. Him and I used to get into fights very often. I was the one doing chest compressions and giving him CPR as he was dying.

    That is really a sad story. You can always think of RJ as an extended family. If you ever need to talk or get advice, you can always start thread, or email any number of us. You'll get a lot of support.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Nov 14, 2010 2:25 AM GMT
    Up until I was about 5 years old, I remember having a close relationship with my dad. But something caused my dad to become a terrible tyrant and bully toward me and my brothers, and it was only when we got to college that we were able to break away from that dynamic. The sad part is that now that my dad is elderly and has serious health issues, he wants to reach out, but he's been such a force for negativity in our lives for so long, that it's hard to muster anything beyond a sort of perfunctory response.
  • joncfernan

    Posts: 216

    Nov 14, 2010 2:51 AM GMT
    Came out to my parents at 18 and we've been closer since - especially with my dad. My dad actually found it very interesting - he asks me all the time about how gay men operate and the typical questions people have who haven't been exposed to this lifestyle. Its funny, we always talk more now and I can ask for advice about my dating with other guys - it was wierd at first but he was very comfortable with it and loved that I felt so comfortable to share things like that with him.

    I feel for you though. I hope you can better the relationship with him icon_smile.gif
  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Nov 14, 2010 2:53 AM GMT
    My pop's was actually the one who caught me having sex with football coach's son when i was 11 and the boy was 15.... The first words out of his mouth was ' I didnt know you liked guys''...He was more concerned about me keeping it from my mother, other than that he was cool about it...He knew lots of gay marines while he served....