• Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2008 3:41 PM GMT
    I had a very abusive relationship when I was .I was with this guy and everythng seemed like your typical relationship.I didnt even want a boyfriend at the time.He actually sat me down and asked me if i would be his boyfriend.Of course I had to think about it a little.(I SAID YES!)Anyway.Things were great.But then all of a sudden,he started name calling and being verbally abusive.("YOU AINT NOTHING WITHOUT ME"OR YOU WILL NEVER FIND ANOTHER GUY WHO IS GONNA WANNA BE WITH YOU")Of course there was the swearing ..but just to put it in a less agressive way.

    Then came the physical abuse.Punching of the arms and bitinmg of the arms also.(LEAVING BRUISES THE SIZE OF BASEBALLS ON MY POOR LITTLE ARMS.LOL.)To actually being thrown down the stairs and pushed into walls.(THROUGH THE WALL IT SEEMED LIKE.)

    Well I had the chance to meet a really nice guy after a little more then a year after.And now that was three months ago.But he wanted to move a little to fast for me.So that kind of bothered me a little.Well I did staart liking the guy but eventually I ened up pushing him away and letting him go.And its weird because after the last guy he is the only one I let get that close,only to end up hurting him.And that is absolutley not what I want.

    So my question is does this mean that I am getting over it and starting to date again?...Will I do this to all the guys I meet and be emotially effected?Or will I get over this with time and live a normal love and sex lifeicon_question.gificon_question.gif?(MAYBE I SHOULD QUIT BEING A BABY AND GET OVER IT.)
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    Mar 13, 2008 5:21 PM GMT
    i've been in several abusive relationships. my situation may not be like yours though: i kept falling into them because they were familiar, even though they weren't what i wanted. one of the reasons i don't date and have been single for over a year and a half is because i have to finally know who i am and what my expectations are.

    you're not being a baby. you're taking care of you, and that's your first job: be selfish enough not only to survive, but to thrive; however, balance your selfishness with enough generosity to be the man you would want to date. don't lower your standards. don't rush just to avoid hurting someone else's feelings. don't make counter-productive concessions.

    do what you need in your own time, and if someone is actually interested in the long haul they'll be patient. don't abuse their patience and lead them on just to get through your own processes. be good to you, be good to the people you date (when you're ready to start doing that again), and eventually you'll end up where you're supposed to be (whether that is with someone else or not won't be known til you get there).
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16308

    Mar 13, 2008 5:30 PM GMT
    Well I would agree with a portion of what DancerJack said, but...

    The first time the guy had started name calling, I'd have called him on the carpet. You are a talented, decent guy and name calling, besides juvenile, is wrong. If I had someone ever get physically abusive, I would do one of two things... walk away and never talk to him, or beat the shit out of him. Whichever, he would not be involved with me again.

    I would approach dating very carefully. Be friendly first, get to know the guy and do your homework....and never take abuse (nor hand it out)!

    Best wishes and good luck.
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    Mar 13, 2008 5:46 PM GMT
    It's sad when you hear of abusive people and I'm sorry that both of you had to experience it first hand (no pun intended!). I grew up with an abusive biological dad, my step-dad, aka "my dad", ROCKS! It's really interesting that the put downs bestowed upon you are actually things they realize about themselves; they know they'll never find a good guy or someone to love them. It's horrible that these "men" have those MAJOR insecurities & mental hang ups!

    Emman25, dancerjack is correct, you MUST take care of yourself first! Even when IN a relationship you are always YOUR #1 priority because at the end of the day you're the one that you have to answer to, you're then one that has to look at yourself in the mirror & love what you see! Just be careful of that fine line of taking care of yourself and shutting people out....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2008 6:13 PM GMT

    I am a year out of an abusive relationship myself, one that went on too long. I have not dated in the meantime, and I'm not exactly psyched about it yet. Point is: these feelings will go away, but you have to let yourself get over the anger you must feel at having been used that way. Until the anger is resolved, you WILL push people away.

    AMD THAT'S OKAY. It's part of healing.

    It will pass.
  • NickoftheNort...

    Posts: 1416

    Mar 13, 2008 8:10 PM GMT
    Establishing a secure sense of who you are and what you demand of your potential partners (primarily, that they're not abusive) is far more important than whether anyone thinks of you as "baby."

    Don't take abusive shit from any would-be partner, regardless of its origin (abusive background, lacking self-esteem / -confidence, et al.). If he starts with routine name-calling, put-downs, or other forms of non-physical abuse, nip it in the bud and confront the son-of-a-b*tch.

    Don't wait until he turns physically abusive; his first bout of physical abuse could very well be your last icon_mad.gif
  • SoDakGuy

    Posts: 1862

    Mar 13, 2008 9:07 PM GMT
    If you have a wonderful support group, then you will not push anyone away.

    I did since I didn't have the support I needed during my "fun" w/ a few of my ex-bfs. My first boyfriend was the worst.

    I still remember him telling me, "If I saw you laying in a gutter dying, I would laugh in your face ... and walk away."

    He's a keeper, isn't he, kids? icon_lol.gif

    Anyway ... I learned to keep everything inside of me (growing up) and eventually, it made me into someone I wasn't. I had to let everything out.

    I see a therapist and I take anti-depressants.

    Don't let what he did to you get the best of you. You seem like a doll and let people know when you are hurt or you need someone to talk to.

    I'm finally doing that now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2008 11:23 PM GMT
    consensus: you're gonna be fine as long as you don't allow people to bring you down.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Mar 13, 2008 11:47 PM GMT
    I dated a guy who was abused as a child, and I assume it's a similar dynamic. At some point you need to be open with the guy your with about your past. Not on the first or second date, but you will want to tell him sooner rather than later if you think it's going to go somewhere. An understanding guy will understand that you have some baggage and need a bit of patience.

    If it were as simple as you "getting over it," you would have by now. Hopefully you're working on it in therapy. But this wasn't your fault. Someone you had trust in and love for betrayed you. It's HIS fault.

    So, be open and trust where you can. Communication can go a long way.

    Good luck.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2008 2:46 AM GMT
    I agree with So Dak. guy. I have had some bad things happen that I haven't sought assistance in getting through, and I'm noticing it taking it's toll lately.

    My first and only relationship was on the border of abusive, it didn't last very long. However, I always look for signs and for me that's when a guy is TOO nice initially. Usually if they're over complimentary, in an overconfident way especially on physical aspects then they're viewing you as more of an object rather than a human being. That's my observation anyway. Also if a guy is about paying all the time for everything, it's sometimes more than generosity. I've noticed they're usually people who like to feel like they're in control all of the time. Not always the case I acknowledge that a person can be overgenerous, or overcomplimentary if they're smitten, nervous, and don't know how else to make a good first impression.

    I think the worst thing for me was when a guy I cared for deeply told me he loved me, but of course didn't mean it. That whole scenario will overplay itself through my head if someone catches my attention. I do tend to push people away, and I'm almost certain it's the impact of that night that's really haunted me though the perpitrator is long gone. I think whether or not you push people away will depend on you and your willingness to leave the past behind. Same with me.