If I could turn back time...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2008 6:06 PM GMT
    ...if I could find a way...

    So I was just re-reading this book I read like 5 years ago by Christopher Rice. It's called "A Density of Souls". It was a really good book when I read it a few years ago, so I thought I'd give it another go. I got to this scene in the book where the one of the main characters of our story is having his first sexual encounter with another guy. New Orleans, snow falling, backseat of a car overlooking the river. You know, that sort of thing. It made me wonder why my first time couldn't be a storybook first time like that.

    If you could go back and redo your first time, knowing then what you know now, what would it look like?

    Mine would be on a beach, at midnight, waves lapping up the calves. Full moon overhead, stars bright in the sky. You know, that sorta mushy romantic thing.

    Definitely not in my best friend at the time's bathroom.
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    Mar 13, 2008 6:37 PM GMT
    If I could go back in time I'd go back to my first big crush. I was 14 he was 13 when we first 'saw' each other. It was that "puppy love" at first sight. A few years later in science class, I told one girl honestly that I liked a certain boy and whom, cause her and her friends had been bugging/or hitting on me for about a few weeks before that. It was a big fiasco and everyone in the school system and some parents knew about me. It made it hard for him and me to connect in secret, or let alone be in a room together without the harsh judgement of the mostly our roman catholic peers.

    There was a short window when he was interested in me, in a shy kind of way that demanded that I act on my feelings, but it wasn't in my nature at the time. I thought I was going to be the butt of another gay joke, and didn't want to give anyone the benefit of my embarrassment.

    My life could have changed into something totally different. I could even feel it in the air that day. No kidding, not some literary device or story embellishment here; it was a real 'feeling', like intuition but it was everywhere and it was good. My friends had randomly decided to hang out in the halls for lunch in the stair wells outside between levels. We were talking about being out, finding "true love" and all that. I even managed to tell them about my gut telling me something... what it was then, I didn't know. Then, out of the blue the boy I had a crush on was dressed in a similar style I was, and had styled his bangs up the way I had. I took it as a sign of flattery, but also took it with caution. He walked quickly passed us, but than slowed down... He was nervous. I thought it was just me, than my friends asked me if I would ever ask him out. You wanna know what my genius reply was...

    I said that I would really love to, but I don't think I could ever ask out a guy so many people tell me is straight ((┬┐though noone could know for sure?)). And that I would probably do him more harm than good by involving myself in his life (I was a bad boy, he was an academic, athletic poster boy for the American way). I said with my big voice, faily loud without yelling, that I was going to have to let him go, and forget about all the feelings I felt for him at the time. It's the one regret none of my friends or best friends know about.

    If I had my chance again, I'd ask him out instead of coming out in front of everyone. I'd make those years we confused and under the microscope of the school, in private, in a closet noone even his twin could ever know about. Maybe we'd come out together, maybe we'd break up, but he'd be my best secret and I'd still cherish the same way I cherish last love of my life. Though I have to say, that the same small part of me that was confused, in love, crazy for him and everything else, is still holding a place for him. I have no reasons, false hopes for rekindling what could've been, but maybe it's human nature. My first love was my strongest and the most unforgetable, even if it never really became something more than a crush and single encounter with what could've been.
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    Mar 13, 2008 6:53 PM GMT
    I'd go back to 2005 to try and stop the factors that caused the relationship with my one great love to fall apart...
  • badtouch

    Posts: 67

    Mar 13, 2008 8:44 PM GMT
    i just finished reading the time traveller's wife last night. in it, the construct of it, time -- past, present, future, all intertwined -- flowed inextricably from the nature of things, the substance of its participants rather than their circumstances; as fate is fated by our own making and the design unfolds from within.

    i can envision more idyllic things, whirlpools of temptations and ineffible sensations. but these pageantries exist from means and measures, improvements on a crudely carved wheel. improvement, gentlemen, improvement; rome was not built in a day.

    so i figure that for all that is lacking, it is only that much more to be captured next time.






    as a footnote, i feel compelled to advise: the book to which i referred was extremely elegant but not for everyone. it wasn't as i probably made it seem.
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    Mar 13, 2008 9:37 PM GMT
    badtouch saidi just finished reading the time traveller's wife last night. in it, the construct of it, time -- past, present, future, all intertwined -- flowed inextricably from the nature of things, the substance of its participants rather than their circumstances; as fate is fated by our own making and the design unfolds from within.

    i can envision more idyllic things, whirlpools of temptations and ineffible sensations. but these pageantries exist from means and measures, improvements on a crudely carved wheel. improvement, gentlemen, improvement; rome was not built in a day.

    so i figure that for all that is lacking, it is only that much more to be captured next time.


    Footnote aside, that sounds like a completely awesome book. And a total headtrip. I'm gonna hafta look it up.

    boiwunderkid saidIf I had my chance again, I'd ask him out instead of coming out in front of everyone. I'd make those years we confused and under the microscope of the school, in private, in a closet noone even his twin could ever know about. Maybe we'd come out together, maybe we'd break up, but he'd be my best secret and I'd still cherish the same way I cherish last love of my life. Though I have to say, that the same small part of me that was confused, in love, crazy for him and everything else, is still holding a place for him. I have no reasons, false hopes for rekindling what could've been, but maybe it's human nature. My first love was my strongest and the most unforgetable, even if it never really became something more than a crush and single encounter with what could've been.


    I had a situation like this. I was infatuated with this guy allllll through high school. In my first year of university, one of my good friends came back from visiting our old home town and over coffee and cigarettes divulged that it wasn't a one way torch carrying that was going on and all I needed to do was ask. After getting very drunk and deciding that it wasn't going to bother me anymore, I decided to have a "go get 'em" attitude and decided not to let any petty insecurities get in my way anymore. Sometimes, it requires the application of copious amounts of alcohol to do so, I'm a much happier person due to it. Heh. You almost never forget your first crush, no matter how hard you try.


    On a side note, and in keeping with the theme...

    If I could turn back time...

    I would prevent one of my best friends ever (and my first love) from committing suicide. It'll be 10 years this summer since he killed himself and it still hurts to this day.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2008 10:44 PM GMT
    if i could find a way!

    i'd take back all the words that all hurt you...

    and you'd stay...


    i cannot express how disappointed i was when this didn't turn out to be a cher thread. what's the topic anyway? regret? none of that here.

    where's my cd player?
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    Mar 13, 2008 10:54 PM GMT
    Cliche entry:

    I wouldn't....

    becuase it wouldn't of lead me to where i am now, and that would truly blow


    You learn from making your own mistakes and recognising when to not make them again.


    Any regrets, none, if i stay wondering about the past and how making it different would change the future, i would miss today.


    Corny and cliched, but thats how it is
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    Mar 13, 2008 10:59 PM GMT
    Oh and my first times, gay virginity and straight virginity, were both awakard, crap and disasters, but if i hadn't off had the bad sex, i would never off gotten good enough to enjoy the great sex.
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    Mar 13, 2008 11:02 PM GMT
    Blah blah man I am today, etc, but I'd totally change my first time. It was not good. I was far too young and he was far too old. Not pretty
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    Mar 13, 2008 11:04 PM GMT
    12 years old when life was simple. Plus, be suck up some courage to being gay.

    I loved many, and kept few.
    Is that the way of gay life? Guess it is.
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    Mar 13, 2008 11:07 PM GMT
    Does a dick coming through a hole in my college restroom count as my first time?
    If so, I wouldn't change a thing.
    super romantic
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Mar 13, 2008 11:29 PM GMT
    Well, my life is probably filled with missed opportunities, but the one that I always think to is when I was 18 and my father, as a graduation gift, bought me a gym membership. We'd gone together one night, with him doing his thing (aerobics -- egad!), and me doing my thing (exploring the different machines). I finished up a bit early, and thought I'd sit in the co-ed hot tub. I remember thinking, as I was scanning the people in the tub, if any of the guys were gay and if so how I would even know. All of a sudden, my scanning eyes were met by a guy. Sexy as hell guy, probably in his 20s, maybe up to 30. He was nicely defined, dark haired. I looked away quickly. Then I looked at him again. He was still staring at me. So, I got a little brave and sort of stretched, and turned my back to him. I turned back a little while later. He was still checking me out. After a while he got up and headed to the showers. I waited till he was just out of sight and got up (probably trying to hide the excitement showing visibly in my swimsuit) and followed him. The showers were almost empty. I took the stall across from his. If there were any doubt whether he was interested or not, it was gone. He was visibly excited too, and gave me a bit of a show as he lathered himself up. I washed quickly and went to my towel. My head was racing at this point about what my next step would be. And then he came up to me, grabbed his towel, and in a confident and sexy voice, said "Hi." My brain completely short-circuited. I think I managed to say hi back, but I quickly went into the locker room, unsure of what to say next. It was pure flight-or-fight response (or the gay version: flirt-or-flight). We continued to make eye contact as I tried to figure out what to do about my father, still doing his aerobics. What could I tell him that could explain my going off with an older guy? Could I swallow my fear and go off with this total stranger -- who looked like a Greek god?

    In reality, I missed my chance. I tried waiting for the guy by the front door, but he must have gone out the back. I visited the gym off and on the next few weeks trying to find him again. No luck. It would be five years later, a couple of years after coming to study at UCLA, before I came out and finally had my first sexual experience. I think back to when I was 18 and how gorgeous that guy was and what fun I could have had and what that would have done for my confidence at the time (and probably today). But, the year was 1985. HIV/AIDS was still new to the scene. Friends that I have that are just a year or two older than I am have lost so many friends to HIV/AIDS, or have it themselves. Maybe putting things off saved my life. But, I still wonder about that Greek god. I still look for him when I go home to visit and workout at that same gym.
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Mar 14, 2008 12:11 AM GMT
    Every time I see the title of this thread, I start to sing,

    If I could turn back time
    If I could find a way I'd take back those words that hurt you and you'd stay

    I don't know why I did the things I did I don't know why I said the things I said
    Pride's like a knife it can cut deep inside
    Words are like weapons they wound sometimes.

    I didn't really mean to hurt you I didn't wanna see you go I know I made you cry, but baby

    [Chorus:]
    If I could turn back time
    If I could find a way
    I'd take back those words that hurt you
    And you'd stay
    If I could reach the stars
    I'd give them all to you
    Then you'd love me, love me
    Like you used to do

    If I could turn back time

    My world was shattered I was torn apart
    Like someone took a knife and drove it deep in my heart
    You walked out that door I swore that I didn't care
    But I lost everything darling then and there

    Too strong to tell you I was sorry
    Too proud to tell you I was wrong
    I know that I was blind, and ooh...

    [Chorus]

    Ooohh

    If I could turn back time
    If I could turn back time
    If I could turn back time
    ooh baby

    I didn't really mean to hurt you
    I didn't want to see you go
    I know I made you cry
    Ooohh

    [Chorus #2]
    If I could turn back time
    If I could find a way
    I'd take back those words that hurt you
    If I could reach the stars
    I'd give them all to you
    Then you'd love me, love me
    Like you used to do

    If I could turn back time (turn back time)
    If I could find a way (find a way)
    Then baby, maybe, maybe
    You'd stay


    Oooops, sorry, just ignore me icon_redface.gif
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 14, 2008 12:16 AM GMT
    I try not to think about what might have been
    'cause that was then
    and we have taken different roads
    We can't go back again
    There's no use giving in
    and there's no way to know
    what might have been
  • farfle

    Posts: 105

    Mar 14, 2008 1:08 AM GMT
    Surfwarrior saidCliche entry:

    I wouldn't....

    becuase it wouldn't of lead me to where i am now, and that would truly blow


    You learn from making your own mistakes and recognising when to not make them again.


    Any regrets, none, if i stay wondering about the past and how making it different would change the future, i would miss today.


    Corny and cliched, but thats how it is


    It may be corny and cliched, but you're right...that's how it is.

    Sometimes its fun to wonder "what if?", but there are so many variables in life, who knows what I would be today if any of those things changed? And this is coming from someone who is a lot older than I ever thought I'd be, or wanted to be, something I'm not always very happy about.

    As for the first sex...what wouldn't I change?! Holy crap, start with the guy and go from there! lol
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    Mar 14, 2008 1:15 AM GMT
    ugh...other than messing around with friends I would totally change everything about my first time with a man (not the first time with a girl...that was fun)...in fact, I would make it not happen at all.

    I was 16, he (in retrospect) was like 25..he picked me up at the mall after my football practice and took me to his place, where we got naked and did the frot/grind thing and then he got me off.

    Two days later, I noticed the crabs...

    Luckily my dad was totally cool. (though I told him I caught it from this girl who was a cheerleader from a different school). He never told my mom and had me cleaned up in a few days...

    Ya, I'd delete that whole scene...

    3e30e2ee727fd-69-1.jpg
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    Mar 14, 2008 1:29 AM GMT
    tommysguns2000 saidugh...other than messing around with friends I
    Tommy, in order to get over this horrible memory, I recommend you re-enact the scene as many times as possible without the cooties. eventually you will not even consider the first time.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Mar 14, 2008 1:09 PM GMT
    I wont get into that car with that stranger that sexually abuse me. But I learn from the lesson though. It could be worse , I mean I could end up death in some shallow grave
  • NickoftheNort...

    Posts: 1416

    Mar 14, 2008 2:56 PM GMT
    As part of the more generic "if I could turn back time" theme:
    ...if I could turn back time, I wouldn't spend it on some sexual do-over; I'd go back 2001 and be the feared gay hero (see Daily Show) who pre-empts a major terrorist attack.

    If you have the power to radically change reality (for something better) go for broke icon_cool.gif

    However, if my time-traveling bit was limited to the first time I had sex:
    I would not change the first time I experienced oral.
    I would change the first time I experienced anal and preempt myself from being raped and from getting all kinds of mentally screwed up following it.
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    Mar 14, 2008 3:59 PM GMT
    If I could turn back time I wouldn't of have let my ex wash that really cute Puma shirt and get bleach spots on it. Dammit, this thing fit me perfect! The light blue piping on navy really brought out my eyes and fluoresced really pretty under club lights. I really really really miss that shirt. icon_cry.gif
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    Mar 14, 2008 4:13 PM GMT
    I liked my first time....what I can remember about it. It was nice. He was nice.

    ...and a good time was had by all. ... icon_lol.gif
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    Mar 14, 2008 4:20 PM GMT
    my first time was a classic....literally under the boadwalk on a hot summer beach day with a man who obviously was good at what he did and caring....wouldn't change a thing.
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    Mar 14, 2008 4:21 PM GMT
    Caslon saidI liked my first time....what I can remember about it. It was nice. He was nice.

    ...and a good time was had by all. ... icon_lol.gif


    I have to agree, I wouldn't change anything about my first gay experience, maybe have more light? because, it was to dark in my room.
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    Mar 14, 2008 4:22 PM GMT
    ohmigosh! when i was in the process of losing my virginity to one of the two captains of the football team in the back seat of his car the other captain of the football team walked up and tapped on the window!

    icon_eek.gif

    "how are y'all?"
    "um, fine."
    ...
    ..
    .
    "okay, well i'll see y'all later then."
    "okay. bye."



    hahahahahaha

    wouldn't change a damned bit of it!
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    Mar 14, 2008 4:22 PM GMT
    RBY71 saidIf I could turn back time I wouldn't of have let my ex wash that really cute Puma shirt and get bleach spots on it. Dammit, this thing fit me perfect! The light blue piping on navy really brought out my eyes and fluoresced really pretty under club lights. I really really really miss that shirt. icon_cry.gif


    a word of advice.....find a support group to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered feelings and try to move on. I had to do the same thing when my boyfriend lost my favorite baseball glove.