Why is it difficult for gay men to be more cohesive in general?

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    Nov 19, 2010 5:22 AM GMT
    What do you think prevents men, particularly gay men, from being able to be cohesive? Straight guys stick together like bros. Women bond like sisters. Why is that gay friendships (and relationships) tend to be less common and usually short-lived?
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    Nov 19, 2010 9:07 AM GMT
    I think it depends on how people develop their friendships. If your social life revolves around the bars, the friendships tend to be more shallow and fleeting. Also, I have found that once you get in a relationship, certain "friends" will try to break it up or cause drama. Alcohol/drugs are a huge catalyst for dramatic situations.

    Lasting friendships and relationships take time (and work) to develop. You quickly find out who loves you when you are going through a difficult situation. As men (gay and straight), we're taught to keep things to ourselves, to be less emotional, and to be strong. We can be afraid to show emotion because we'll appear to be weak.

    I have made some great friends by dropping my guard and letting them know who I am, faults and all. I've also learned to ask for help when I need it. There are quite a few people I know I can count on now and they know they can count on me.
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    Nov 19, 2010 11:18 AM GMT
    Because we are also attracted to one another.
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    Nov 19, 2010 11:21 AM GMT
    myjeep saidBecause we are also attracted to one another.


    yes and always on wants to have something more then a friendship to the other guy,but its not impossible to be just friends.
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    Nov 19, 2010 11:23 AM GMT
    Cause we jealous, envious, spiteful, greedy bitches....
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    Nov 19, 2010 2:04 PM GMT
    cartesianJOCK saidWhat do you think prevents men, particularly gay men, from being able to be cohesive? Straight guys stick together like bros. Women bond like sisters. Why is that gay friendships (and relationships) tend to be less common and usually short-lived?


    Well I don't know what the dynamics of a gay buddy friendship is like because I've never seen/had one but, 'women bond like sisters'...I totally disagree with that. I've witnessed girls say to me how another girl is 'such a bitch' or a 'drama queen' etc...and then the next moment they're 'best friends'. I was recently also told by a friend that she only stuck by a girl because she was scared of her and didn't want to anger her. If you call that bonding 'like sisters'...
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    Nov 19, 2010 2:07 PM GMT
    Friendships and relationships, in general, take work and dedicated effort for ALL parties involved. It also helps to be real and be who you are; not some pretty little facade consisting of drugs, sex, alcohol, designer clothes, and shallowness. If you sow those things, that is what you will reap, in addition to dishonesty, back stabbing, and fighting.
  • MuscleComeBac...

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    Nov 19, 2010 2:09 PM GMT
    myjeep saidBecause we are also attracted to one another.


    Possibly. Although, I can honestly say that I've been very attracted to some of both my gay and my straight buddies now and then, but without ever acting on it and God knows we're better off as a result. The trouble only comes in when "hmmmm, maybe this could work" becomes more important than a reality check.
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    Nov 19, 2010 2:16 PM GMT
    Perhaps because gay men that are raised to not trust people with their true core also carry a value that other gay men are not to be trusted. I think the majority of gay men have issues surrounding trust and have grown accustom to living with deceit in order to survive.
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    Nov 19, 2010 2:17 PM GMT
    myjeep saidBecause we are also attracted to one another.



    SO..... are you saying that gay men can be better friends if they are not attracted to each other?
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    Nov 19, 2010 2:31 PM GMT
    Maybe it's like Billy Crystal said in "When Harry Met Sally"...

    (couldn't get the link to work...)

    Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
    Sally: Why not?
    Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
    Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
    Harry: No you don't.
    Sally: Yes I do.
    Harry: No you don't.
    Sally: Yes I do.
    Harry: You only think you do.
    Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
    Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
    Sally: They do not.
    Harry: Do too.
    Sally: They do not.
    Harry: Do too.
    Sally: How do you know?
    Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
    Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
    Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.
    Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
    Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
    Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
    Harry: Guess not.
    Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.
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    Nov 19, 2010 2:59 PM GMT
    moscowmikey saidMaybe it's like Billy Crystal said in "When Harry Met Sally"...

    (couldn't get the link to work...)

    Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
    Sally: Why not?
    Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
    Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
    Harry: No you don't.
    Sally: Yes I do.
    Harry: No you don't.
    Sally: Yes I do.
    Harry: You only think you do.
    Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
    Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
    Sally: They do not.
    Harry: Do too.
    Sally: They do not.
    Harry: Do too.
    Sally: How do you know?
    Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
    Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
    Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.
    Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
    Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
    Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
    Harry: Guess not.
    Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.



    LOL. That can easily be translated to gay male friendships. Except the part about wanting to nail friends they find unattractive. Gay men are MUCH more picky than straight men.
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    Nov 19, 2010 3:22 PM GMT
    cartesianJOCK saidWhat do you think prevents men, particularly gay men, from being able to be cohesive? Straight guys stick together like bros. Women bond like sisters. Why is that gay friendships (and relationships) tend to be less common and usually short-lived?


    I can't even think of what the answer to this question would be since I don't think the basis is accurate. I have gay friends that I've known for year and we stick together and are pretty damn close. I know my friends have other close friends that they've known for years and they have a pretty close relationship as well. When I say close I mean going out together regularly, going on vacations together, celebrating holidays together, etc.

    I compare the gay friendships with the friendships of my straight guys and girls friendship and they come out to be the same.

    Maybe its a personal issue?

    You profile does say "You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging." jus sayin..
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    Nov 19, 2010 3:51 PM GMT
    turbobilly saidCause we jealous, envious, spiteful, greedy bitches....


    lol this ^

    funny-pictures-you-are-jealous-of-tails.
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    Nov 19, 2010 4:48 PM GMT
    its because gay men value superficial elements within each other. They cannot maintain sustainable relationships, friendships. All of my best friends are straight men.
  • Vaughn

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    Nov 19, 2010 5:14 PM GMT
    myjeep saidBecause we are also attracted to one another.


    Often times someone will pretend to be my friend then come on to me. Later try try again. Then they give up and ignore me or try to make it seem like their is something wrong with me so they don't need to talk with me. Sometimes friends I've had for a while will make a pass at me then be upset afterwards. Otherwise competition for mates often ends it.
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Nov 19, 2010 5:17 PM GMT
    CaliBoySwag saidits because gay men value superficial elements within each other. They cannot maintain sustainable relationships, friendships. All of my best friends are straight men.


    It's true. I find it more with the gay's in the gay community (like WeHo) then the rest of us. I used to know this guy who told people he was hooking up with me to get invited to parties. icon_neutral.gif
  • bolero_of_fir...

    Posts: 551

    Nov 19, 2010 5:45 PM GMT
    3 of my closest friends are gay/bi. We've been friends for nearly 10 years now. If you find that you can't maintain a friendship consider the possibility that you may be doing something wrong on your end. If your profile says "friends with benefits are cool" don't act surprised when your friends would like some benefits.
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    Nov 19, 2010 5:59 PM GMT
    Sounds rather simple, It's the same thing that gets between heteros. Sex!!!
    Bro friendships will sometimes breakup if one looks at the other ones sex mate. Same thing with girls.

    Platonic relationships are hard all around unless there is a strong commonality. And the maintenance of it is the responsibility of both parties. You ever have that friend that is proactive in relationship management and if they weren't you would never be hanging with them.

    Take what you get and pursue what you want.

    I don't think has anything to do with being GAY but a confidence thing.
  • Anto

    Posts: 2035

    Nov 19, 2010 7:35 PM GMT
    cartesianJOCK saidWhat do you think prevents men, particularly gay men, from being able to be cohesive? Straight guys stick together like bros. Women bond like sisters. Why is that gay friendships (and relationships) tend to be less common and usually short-lived?


    I think one difference mentioned already is sexual attraction to each other. Also a lot of gay guys can come from difficult backgrounds for having to deal with being gay, their social support structure, how they are handling it, etc, so that kind of instability can carry over into how they develop, form and handle relationships with other people, especially other gay guys.
    Gay relationships also have a lot of stress put on them for not being straight.

    Our culture is innately supportive and nurturing of straight people and their relationships but not gay people and their own relationships, in fact our culture is negative towards gay relationships of any kind and being gay in and of itself. How healthy can that be a to a gay person from childhood on up to adulthood?
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    Nov 19, 2010 7:45 PM GMT
    Fascinating. I've studied philosophy and sociology in school for over 5 yrs and there is validity to everything mentioned here. Research shows that gay men are more likely to develop depression (I'm clinically bi-polar) not because of their own doing but mainly cuz of the circumstances. We also have more social issues which indirectly carries over into our personal lives and ultimately shapes our mindset. I live in Philadelphia where people are tougher and completely different from, let's say, mid westerners. I have friends out in Illinois where the mentality and culture are almost polar opposites to my region. Philosophically speaking, perhaps what we get is what we get, no matter how hard we try or how much we strive to be good people. In the end, we don't get to have much say in how we want things to be.
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    Nov 19, 2010 10:18 PM GMT
    It's not a gay thing at all! Many people have problems forming close and lasting friendships. My secret is to be the friend I want to have. Sometimes it takes being there for someone when you'd rather be watching your favorite show. True friends are able to put their friends needs above there own from time to time. Sure you'll come across users and flakes, but you move on and eventually meet kindred souls.
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    Nov 19, 2010 10:53 PM GMT
    myjeep saidBecause we are also attracted to one another.


    Yep, that usually is the problem.
  • KepaArg

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    Nov 19, 2010 11:11 PM GMT
    generalizing much?

    I myself have gay friends I have known for years, never anything sexual and never ever pondered getting in their pants.

    As avadakedavra said, maybe it's something personal with you!
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    Nov 19, 2010 11:15 PM GMT
    I dont want to generalize, but from my experiences with other gay men, heres what I have observed;
    alot of guys I was friends with before (and I didnt know why I didnt see this coming) talk shit about each other, theyre flaky, their self esteem relies on someones downfall, theyre only supportive if theres something in it for them, its like, a queer
    clique, much worse than 'The A List.'
    Now I could say I only have one gay friend left, and even then I dont trust him because hes exhibiting the same negative behavior as I have mentioned.
    My straight guy friends, on the other hand, treat me like im one of the bros, and I really appreciate that.
    So, again, im sure there are gay men out there who are much more positive and honest and loving than the bitches I knew, and hopefully I meet them and have them in my life.