Nov 19, 2010 4:14 PM GMT
1. Josh hates to go shopping!
I got this letter about his behavior when shopping with me.
1. February 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. March 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
3. April 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.
4. April 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away”. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from
her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. May 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. May 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. May 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. May 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
9. June 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.
10. June 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. June 20: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
12. June 28: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different size funnels.
13. July 6: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. July 13: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
And last, but not least:
15. July 16: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
2. All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
A TEST FOR OLD
I was picky who I sent this to. It had to be those
who might actually remember. So have some
fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a
test for us 'old kids'! The answers are
printed below, .
01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into
the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who
was that masked man? Invariably, someone
would answer, I don't know, but he left this
behind. What did he leave
02. When the Beatles first came to
the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The
03 'Get your kicks, __________________.'
04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names
have been changed to ___________________.'
05. 'In the jungle! the mighty jungle, ________________.'
06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we
'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low
as we could go in a dance called the '_____________.'
Nestle's makes the very best . . . . _______________.'
08. Satchmo was America's 'Ambassador of
Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz
trumpet player with us. His name was
09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?
10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________
11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so
by burning their______________.
12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and
the trunk in the front was called the VW What
other names did it go by? ____________ &
13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the
day the music died.' This was a tribute to
14 We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit.
The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.
15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's
was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist.
It was called the ________________.
01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God
11. Draft cards
(Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
Send this to your 'old' friends, better known as
Seniors. It will drive them crazy! And
keep them busy and let them forget their aches
and pains for a few minutes
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and two small children.
Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
raises the knife, and charges at you...
You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I wer