Guy suddenly starts canceling dates?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2010 1:15 AM GMT
    So, I'm kind of confused (and a little sad) and want to know what you guys think. I met a guy online a little over a month ago. After a week of talking he suggests we go out sometime. Since then, we have gone on 5 dates. One weekend, we hung out Friday, Saturday and Sunday night... so I was feeling good, thinking, he's definitely not dating anyone else, which is good for me. We then hung out that Thursday, went to see a movie, and had a great time. The thing is, I really thought he liked me- after every date he would text me (literally within 15 minutes of parting) that he had a great time. We still hadn't kissed though, but I will say most of the time it was wasn't a good place for a first kiss, especially since we are both somewhat shy guys.

    Anyway, on our last date, he asks me shyly if I was doing anything over the weekend and suggested maybe we should hang out. Here is where things just went downhill. I texted him Saturday to see if we were still on, that I was gonna take a short nap and then we should go out. He said he was going to do the same and for me to call him when I was up. So I did, but didn't hear from him for over 2 hours, so I texted him again asking if he was awake, and he texts back and said that he totally passed out, was feeling tired and was just gonna stay in, and maybe tomorrow? I was bummed but just figured, OK, tomorrow. Well, I texted him the next day and AGAIN, no response for 2 hours, then finally he messages me saying he was so sorry he missed my text, but a friend is in town and they are going to dinner, but that he wanted to see me soon. At that point I decided to stop contacting him, to let him call me if he really wanted to hang out. So he did, a couple days later asked if I wanted to grab a beer on Thursday, and I said yes. Last night comes, and I texted him to see if we were still on. AGAIN, no response for 2 hours, and then I get the same story about him falling asleep after work and another night would be better, and that he's sorry he's doing this again.

    I just don't get it. We hit it off so well, and nothing happened after our last date to have changed things... it's like a switch just flipped in his head. He acted so interested then out of nowhere, this. What do you all think? Could he really have been genuinely too tired/busy for 3 times in a row? I'm never too tired to hang out with a guy that I'm into, ya know? To me, it feels like he is still in love with an ex or something, and I'm kind of like the rebound/2nd guy. I've been in that situation before and this is how the guy acted. I've decided to not contact him any more but I can't get over the fact that I really believed he was into me. I'm also trying to not let this hurt my ego, but I'm feeling really depressed because I was excited about where this was heading.

    Sorry for the long rant, I really just wanted to explain the situation fully!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2010 3:11 AM GMT
    guys are assholes I always have 2-3 guys waiting in line.
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    Nov 20, 2010 3:41 AM GMT
    iGotsuprise saidguys are assholes I always have 2-3 guys waiting in line.


    Well, I really thought this guy wasn't an asshole. He's kind of nerdy in a way and just seemed really nice, not the kind of guy to keep guys waiting in line. But then again, we only went on 5 dates so who knows what he's really like...
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    Nov 20, 2010 3:47 AM GMT

    "guys are assholes".... when someone says that I immediately decide they're also speaking about themselves, too. Something to consider when making such an awful statement about men.

    Photosrus, guys are not assholes; some are, some aren't. This guy isn't interested and is ill equipped communicatively speaking. That's not a kind of guy I'd be interested in for very long. If he's this problematic now, imagine what kind of communication issues would surface if you two were happening.

    You're a sweetie and very very easy on the eyes. Patience, there's a lot more guys out there.

    a hug -Doug
  • TadPohl

    Posts: 259

    Nov 20, 2010 8:27 AM GMT
    Who knows what his reasons are for canceling on you? I hope sincerely that you don't take it personally.
    I could be a multiple of reasons that have nothing to do with you... or it could be that he had a sudden change of heart and is afraid of professing his newly discoveries to you.
    I understand that you must feel bewildered by his sudden 180, but trying to analyze something that was out of your hands is maddening and not worth your time.
    It's my opinion that you should take those five days with him as an awesome memory and move on.
    Perhaps he might come back to you, perhaps not. In either scenario it is out of your control.
    You're a fantastic human being who will find a better match for your personality, with whom you will have a better relationship. It's the nature of life and love.
    Let it be, brother.
  • MusicMan87

    Posts: 305

    Nov 20, 2010 3:52 PM GMT
    Yea let him come to you. if hes feeling the same as you, he'll call or text you, then you can respond icon_smile.gif
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Nov 20, 2010 3:58 PM GMT
    Time To cut your losses and.....MOVE ON!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2010 4:09 PM GMT

    Even if he wasn't lying with all of those excuses, would you still want to date him? He seems kind of flaky.
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    Nov 20, 2010 4:19 PM GMT
    If you feel like contacting him again (I wouldn't), try calling instead of texting. That way the phone continues to make noise which he'll be more likely to hear. icon_wink.gif

    And yes, I've had this happen to me. A lot. It's a sign that the guy isn't very interested.
  • SpikeJock

    Posts: 51

    Nov 20, 2010 4:22 PM GMT
    A lot of guys don't know how to man-up and be honest with someone, to communicate with them.

    I've heard over and over from my friends, as well as guys I've dated, that when something changes during dating the standard way to deal with it is to blow the guy off and "he'll get the message." The theory (they say) is they don't want to hurt your feelings, and when I point out that blowing someone off hurts more than a simple "sorry, but ..." no one has an answer.

    Whatever happened with the guy is his own deal, not you. While it's frustrating and hurts, let yourself feel the disappointment then pick yourself up and move on. At times it may feel like they're pretty rare, but there are a few good guys out there ;)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2010 4:23 PM GMT
    My first thought is he does like you, but like many people got distracted by something shinny and went wandering in a different direction. And by the time his mind came back to you, his interest had subsided just enough to lower your priority in his mental list of things to do and people to see. And spending three nights in a row together likely made him worried about "instant boyfriend" and those accompanying issues.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2010 5:28 PM GMT
    His boyfriend came back home.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2010 10:54 PM GMT
    Excuses after excuses. Guys are assholes just move on to the next. They never know what they want.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2010 11:11 PM GMT
    sorry for the disappointment, but there's a lesson here. Don't put any expectations on men you've just met.

    Men don't seem to be able to be honest, they take the pussy way out and make excuses, or string you along as an option rather than a choice.

    You might have been backup guy # 2 or #3 or he may have met someone else.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2010 11:31 PM GMT
    Have no expectations and you'll have no disappointments.

    It's when you get all misty about what might come of this, he might be the one, etc. that you're bound to be disappointed. Take things as they come, let something develop if it develops. If not, things ran their course after five dates and it's time to move on.
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    Nov 20, 2010 11:33 PM GMT
    SpikeJock saidA lot of guys don't know how to man-up and be honest with someone, to communicate with them.

    I've heard over and over from my friends, as well as guys I've dated, that when something changes during dating the standard way to deal with it is to blow the guy off and "he'll get the message." The theory (they say) is they don't want to hurt your feelings, and when I point out that blowing someone off hurts more than a simple "sorry, but ..." no one has an answer.

    I would say exactly this if you hadn't said it already. So entirely true.
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    Nov 20, 2010 11:34 PM GMT
    I don't have patience for bullshitters. Open communication is the only way I go and what I suggest for others. If someone expresses interest in me, but it's not mutual, I just tell them... thank you, am flattered with your interest but i'm not interested. This stops the build-up of false hopes. Yeah, may feel cold and insensitive at the time, but it's for the best. If a guy starts canceling dates on me, I call them out on it. Ask them what has changed, has interest changed, try to understand why, explore potential interest to fix the situation, and if there is an opportunity to better myself and our relationship, then great. If not, then accept it, be sad for a bit, brush myself off and move on. Wasting time and energy agonizing over disappointments carries no value. Life is short. When one door closes, another door opens not too far in the future.
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    Nov 20, 2010 11:39 PM GMT
    I would say he has found someone else and keeping you as a back-up for now. He doesn't want to loose you in case other thing doesn't happen. Sorry man, but you deserve better, just tell him next time, you are going to so and so place and if he wants to meet you he can come over there. If he really likes you he will make an effort else you will get one more excuse.
  • Abc123456

    Posts: 336

    Nov 21, 2010 12:07 AM GMT
    He lost interest. Text him one more time...passively suggest you do something next week. If he doesn't reply, stop messaging him. If he sets something up and bails, ditch him. If he waffles around the issue, "yeah, well, I donno when--i'm pretty busy next week" cut'm loose.

    When you do drop the twit, don't make a production out of it...think about it this way, he's flaky and he's done you a favour...because a guy who can't tell you he's not interested in you, or can't commit to a date isn't worth your time anyway.

    Cheers & good luck
  • Abc123456

    Posts: 336

    Nov 21, 2010 12:09 AM GMT
    iGotsuprise saidguys are assholes I always have 2-3 guys waiting in line.


    And dude -- that is why guys are assholes. You are what you eat.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 21, 2010 12:41 AM GMT
    All of the above
    "something shiny"...lol
    Question is: when he realizes, in a few weeks, he has made a mistake and contacts you; what will you do?
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    Nov 21, 2010 12:43 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the feedback guys. I feel much better already. I definitely am not going to contact him again, that's for sure! If he asks me to go out again, I'll go (if he doesn't cancel icon_smile.gif), and if I never hear from him, then that's the end of it and I'm OK with that. It's not that I don't have other options too, I just felt our 5 dates had good momentum and am just caught off guard. I agree that he probably just met someone else, and I also really like what someone said about expecting nothing. I will definitely take things as they come in the future.....
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    Nov 21, 2010 3:48 AM GMT
    photosrus said
    iGotsuprise saidguys are assholes I always have 2-3 guys waiting in line.


    Well, I really thought this guy wasn't an asshole. He's kind of nerdy in a way and just seemed really nice, not the kind of guy to keep guys waiting in line. But then again, we only went on 5 dates so who knows what he's really like...


    That's where you went wrong...assuming he was a nice guy.
    It's always guilty until proven innocent with me.
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    Nov 22, 2010 3:43 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    "guys are assholes".... when someone says that I immediately decide they're also speaking about themselves, too. Something to consider when making such an awful statement about men.

    Photosrus, guys are not assholes; some are, some aren't. This guy isn't interested and is ill equipped communicatively speaking. That's not a kind of guy I'd be interested in for very long. If he's this problematic now, imagine what kind of communication issues would surface if you two were happening.

    You're a sweetie and very very easy on the eyes. Patience, there's a lot more guys out there.

    a hug -Doug


    Amen!